Proactivity

I need to concentrate more on giving love than recieving it. I'm not nearly patient enough with "the plan".

And it feels wrong to me that the one thing I want more than anything in my life is the love of a life partner. Why do I NEED someone to be simply amazed by me? Because that's what I want: That look in his eye that says, "I love you, and I cannot lose you. You have changed me, and you amaze me."
We come into the world alone, we die alone. We are alone in our heads and in our hearts- so why do I keep seeking myself in other people?
It's no good.

But how do I stop it? How do I rely more on a higher power I'm mad at half the time? (not really mad at...just frustrated with, not understanding of. I don't want to push God away)

I don't want my life's greatest fear to be not finding someone to love me. That is ridiculous. I need to know on my own.

I've been thinking about DP a lot lately. 2 years doesn't make any difference when it comes to her advice.
"don't let that boy get you down" <-- very solid advice
"love yourself" <-- the best advice

I've decided to be proactive. I will not learn anything from this internal struggle if I don't do something to change the pattern I'm beginning to see. Overall, my anxiety is becoming WAY to much to handle. It's affecting my appetite, my daily activities. And I am making a choice- I want to be healthy, even if it means putting myself on medication. I don't like it, but this is my life, and I WILL live it.