And as much as I've been questioning all of my beliefs this week, this one still stands.
I've been questioning how I feel about love, marriage, dating, relationships, boys, girls, all of that stuff. I've been having a difficult time picking my brain apart. There's a lot of different things I want right now.
But one thing occurred to me.
I wanted a boyfriend in middle school. I wanted to know what it was like. Freshman year, two of my close friends started dating. I don't know if I've ever really told them, but their relationship was really cool. They were really close friends. Physical wasn't as big of an issue as emotions and thoughts and feelings.
And I saw their relationship and told myself that I would settle for no less than that kind of love. Not that I wanted to put my blinders on, but I knew I wouldn't take the initial dive into a relationship unless I knew I could grow close to that person.
I waited, turned people down and finally found it. The waiting paid off and I experienced something so great and so worth it. I'm in the transition period right now, and I hate to admit, I've been bitter. I've been thinking things like, "was it worth it? was it worth the shitty way I feel now? Was it worth feeling that way to lose it?" and I go back and forth. I think the answer is yes, and then the heartache kicks in and I hate myself for changing so much for him.
On Saturday, someone told me that they admired my relationship with Caleb while we were in high school, and my mind floated to how I felt about Claire & Kevin's relationship. And I Know that what I experienced was worth it.
Maybe that's how love works. It weaves its way from person to person, touching people you don't even know. Inspiring people to be who they are and be confident that they will find someone who fits them, who gets them, who makes them stronger.
I was thinking about dating this summer for the hell of it. Or at least to prove to myself that I could move on. I don't need to do that. All I need is to love myself, and that will always be enough.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
A New World Calls Across the Ocean
a New World calls across the sky...
Great man, Jason Robert Brown. Go see the musical "Songs For a New World."
College really is a New World, and today I got my first true glance into next year. I had registration today and it was utterly gratifying and utterly confusing all at once. My mother and I drove up last night after my lifeguard class (I'm almost certified now!) and got to Eau Claire around 10:00 at night. We stayed in the same dorm building I will be in next year (but not my exact room). I discovered that there is plenty of space for my stuff there next year, so I don't have to worry too much. My roommate informed me the other day that she may be switching rooms, so there's a possibility I could have a new roommate or none at all. Either way, the room was not as small as I set it to be in my mind.
We had to get up early this morning for registration. I was reminded of the time I spent in the Whitewater dorms before going to Europe. My mom is more used to dorm like than I was. She had the whole public bathroom thing down. Orientation covered a lot of stuff. We were busy all day, from taking pictures for student ids to a student testimonial video to asking questions with orientation staff in our specific area. They threw a lot of information at us, then handed us a packet of open classes. Today also happened to be the last day of registration, so our list was even smaller than people who registered weeks before.
More than anyone else I met today, I had a huge decision thrown at me. Dr. Alan Rieck, one of the choir directors at the University (as well as my orientation advisor) said to me, "did you get my email earlier this summer?" I told him I didn't. He quickly explained to me that my audition for the music department in January sufficed as a choir placement audition, and they already placed me in an ensemble. As a music ed major, I need to have 1 credit of a female choir and 2 of a mixed choir. They placed me in the top women's choir who is going on tour next spring break. I needed to make the decision today whether or not my family could afford to make the trip: Otherwise, I would be placed in a non-auditioned choir that only meets once a week. It was a terrible thing to spring on my mother, a $3,500 trip my first year of college. She called my dad. I expected them to say I'd have to do it all on my own, which means no. I didn't want to give up being in a good ensemble because of money. I gave up Luther because of money. I didn't want to give up the reason I came to Eau Claire for money too.
My dad brought this up in conversation, and my parents agreed to paying $1,500 of it.
So next spring, I will be going to Africa. I have never been more excited in my life.
I had to build my entire schedule around this ensemble, but it worked out alright. I have a lot of requirements as a Music Ed. Major: written & aural music theory, piano, private voice lessons...
Good news is, my AP scores paid off. I haven't received my scores back from senior year yet, but I have inklings. IF I am lucky enough to get a 3 on Calc, I will not have to take any math ever again. Bitchin'. If I get a 4 or 5 on my lit exam, I will be exempt from English101 (if it's a 3, then I will still get English credit). I am confident that I got a 4 or 5 on my Bio exam, which will exempt me from a lab science class (pain in the ass!) and biology, which I would have had to take as an Education major. What's more, my 4 on my AP U.S. History exam Junior year, I get 6 credits in Social studies. AND I tested out of all 4 sessions of German. I don't even know how that happened.
So my schedule is as follows: As an honors student, I have an honors seminar class every Thursday from 8-9. I have music theory (alternating between the two types) from 9-10 Monday through Thursday. I have an hour break at 10 before Intermediate Swimming Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 11-12 (which I hear they base your grade off solely on the number of laps you swim. I'm so glad I was on the swim team?) Then it's straight to a lit class (American lit from pre-colonial to civil war) on M,W,F till one. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have Piano at 1. Monday-Thursday I have Women's Concert Chorale at 2. And on Tuesdays & Thursdays, I have an Introduction to World Politics class from 3:15-4:45. Voice lessons will fit where they can.
So basically, I have all music classes except for a gym class and two gen eds. On fridays I have two classes, with the first one beginning at 11:00. My schedule totally rocks.
I am optimistic and excited for this upcoming year. I wasn't always today, but now that it's all planned, I feel better (funny how that works). I care a lot about my future. If I am going to be spending money on college, I want to do well and succeed. As much as I dislike money & how it determines so many things in life, I have to be realistic. I can't afford in any way to take this for granted. I've already started eating healthier and coming up with plans to be a good student next year. There's some work habits I should fix before I go.
I am so excited for the fall! Hooray!
Great man, Jason Robert Brown. Go see the musical "Songs For a New World."
College really is a New World, and today I got my first true glance into next year. I had registration today and it was utterly gratifying and utterly confusing all at once. My mother and I drove up last night after my lifeguard class (I'm almost certified now!) and got to Eau Claire around 10:00 at night. We stayed in the same dorm building I will be in next year (but not my exact room). I discovered that there is plenty of space for my stuff there next year, so I don't have to worry too much. My roommate informed me the other day that she may be switching rooms, so there's a possibility I could have a new roommate or none at all. Either way, the room was not as small as I set it to be in my mind.
We had to get up early this morning for registration. I was reminded of the time I spent in the Whitewater dorms before going to Europe. My mom is more used to dorm like than I was. She had the whole public bathroom thing down. Orientation covered a lot of stuff. We were busy all day, from taking pictures for student ids to a student testimonial video to asking questions with orientation staff in our specific area. They threw a lot of information at us, then handed us a packet of open classes. Today also happened to be the last day of registration, so our list was even smaller than people who registered weeks before.
More than anyone else I met today, I had a huge decision thrown at me. Dr. Alan Rieck, one of the choir directors at the University (as well as my orientation advisor) said to me, "did you get my email earlier this summer?" I told him I didn't. He quickly explained to me that my audition for the music department in January sufficed as a choir placement audition, and they already placed me in an ensemble. As a music ed major, I need to have 1 credit of a female choir and 2 of a mixed choir. They placed me in the top women's choir who is going on tour next spring break. I needed to make the decision today whether or not my family could afford to make the trip: Otherwise, I would be placed in a non-auditioned choir that only meets once a week. It was a terrible thing to spring on my mother, a $3,500 trip my first year of college. She called my dad. I expected them to say I'd have to do it all on my own, which means no. I didn't want to give up being in a good ensemble because of money. I gave up Luther because of money. I didn't want to give up the reason I came to Eau Claire for money too.
My dad brought this up in conversation, and my parents agreed to paying $1,500 of it.
So next spring, I will be going to Africa. I have never been more excited in my life.
I had to build my entire schedule around this ensemble, but it worked out alright. I have a lot of requirements as a Music Ed. Major: written & aural music theory, piano, private voice lessons...
Good news is, my AP scores paid off. I haven't received my scores back from senior year yet, but I have inklings. IF I am lucky enough to get a 3 on Calc, I will not have to take any math ever again. Bitchin'. If I get a 4 or 5 on my lit exam, I will be exempt from English101 (if it's a 3, then I will still get English credit). I am confident that I got a 4 or 5 on my Bio exam, which will exempt me from a lab science class (pain in the ass!) and biology, which I would have had to take as an Education major. What's more, my 4 on my AP U.S. History exam Junior year, I get 6 credits in Social studies. AND I tested out of all 4 sessions of German. I don't even know how that happened.
So my schedule is as follows: As an honors student, I have an honors seminar class every Thursday from 8-9. I have music theory (alternating between the two types) from 9-10 Monday through Thursday. I have an hour break at 10 before Intermediate Swimming Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 11-12 (which I hear they base your grade off solely on the number of laps you swim. I'm so glad I was on the swim team?) Then it's straight to a lit class (American lit from pre-colonial to civil war) on M,W,F till one. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have Piano at 1. Monday-Thursday I have Women's Concert Chorale at 2. And on Tuesdays & Thursdays, I have an Introduction to World Politics class from 3:15-4:45. Voice lessons will fit where they can.
So basically, I have all music classes except for a gym class and two gen eds. On fridays I have two classes, with the first one beginning at 11:00. My schedule totally rocks.
I am optimistic and excited for this upcoming year. I wasn't always today, but now that it's all planned, I feel better (funny how that works). I care a lot about my future. If I am going to be spending money on college, I want to do well and succeed. As much as I dislike money & how it determines so many things in life, I have to be realistic. I can't afford in any way to take this for granted. I've already started eating healthier and coming up with plans to be a good student next year. There's some work habits I should fix before I go.
I am so excited for the fall! Hooray!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Either way, I've lost my arm.
These last three months have been like losing an arm. The question is how to get rid of it: Do I cut the whole damn thing off and deal with the blood NOW, or do I ease it off slow and deal with the bleeding in steady streams?
Either way, I've lost my arm and it hurts like hell.
I think the reason I write like this here instead of in my book of thoughts is because I can at least keep some obscure hope that somehow I can do something about it when its published on the internet. So so stupid, but somehow easier to deal with.
Each time I try ripping off my metaphorical arm, I chicken out. Or get talked out of it. And things get better for awhile. But I have this sinking feeling that they will never stay better.
Because there are days like this when I think that keeping my arm on leaves me nothing but disappointment. I am so disappointed in what my arm has become. I guess you could say I am upset at the loss of potential, the loss of feeling and the loss of the possibility of ever having it again.
So what do I do?
The closest I've ever come to ripping it off was a month of no contact. And it sucked. Did it suck because of Diana's death, or was it because I really felt like I needed that arm still? Do I still want it?
It alters with the day.
I need to get out of here. I feel like I'm stuck in the backseat of a car stuck in a traffic jam. My legs are cramped because the front seat is too far back and I need fresh air and to NOT listen to that dumb song that keeps replaying on the radio. I need to get away from these people that I see all the time, I need to forget my stupid arm and I need to go to college. Yet I am scared as hell to go to college because all I know is that it changes people and that I will not have my family there. I'm terrified. Will I find people like me? Will I find people to appreciate me and love me?
Because the person I trusted most bailed. How do you deal after that?
They mean it when they say a part of you dies with your first love.
Jo, if you're around, you should send me an email.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I guess you can't get invited to everything...
but really, I'm started to feel paranoid and frustrated.
I make choices for myself. I don't drink because I don't want to. I don't smoke because I don't want to. I don't do drugs because I don't want to. I think the use of substances to have a good time can be fake and I'd rather be sober. There are plenty of reasons I don't do these things, including family experiences. That's been my choice all of high school, and unless my opinion changes for some reason, I plan on sticking to it.
I wish people would just respect it and leave it alone.
And even though I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, I have plenty of friends that do. I'm not going to boss them around. A long time ago, over two years ago, I used to try to stop my friends from experimenting because I was always told it was wrong. I wanted to stop them before it started so it didn't get hurt. But I realized people do what they do and that's it. I sure don't like it when people push their hobbies on me, so I don't push mine on them. What I'm going to do is stay true to my beliefs and perhaps I'll be a role model to others who feel the same way. But I do this for myself. I've only got one shot with this body God gave me, and I want to keep it right, because I want to leave a long, full healthy life.
Yet even though my friends know that I am ok with them making their own choices, I'm left out of things sometimes. I had a friend try to "break it to me easy" on Friday that there would be drinking at a close friend's grad party. Big deal. Like I've never seen a keg of beer before. I wish people would stop ostracizing me for my beliefs. I'm not going to invite myself places. But it's not like I yell at people or look down on them because of their choices. No one is protecting me by leaving me out of things.
When I do hang out with my friends when they're getting drunk or high, it's not awkward. I don't feel uncomfortable not doing things, and I don't think they do either. I guess I'm just extra sensitive to not being invited places because I think it has something to do with my choices.
It's just hard to deal with not being invited sometimes.
I make choices for myself. I don't drink because I don't want to. I don't smoke because I don't want to. I don't do drugs because I don't want to. I think the use of substances to have a good time can be fake and I'd rather be sober. There are plenty of reasons I don't do these things, including family experiences. That's been my choice all of high school, and unless my opinion changes for some reason, I plan on sticking to it.
I wish people would just respect it and leave it alone.
And even though I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, I have plenty of friends that do. I'm not going to boss them around. A long time ago, over two years ago, I used to try to stop my friends from experimenting because I was always told it was wrong. I wanted to stop them before it started so it didn't get hurt. But I realized people do what they do and that's it. I sure don't like it when people push their hobbies on me, so I don't push mine on them. What I'm going to do is stay true to my beliefs and perhaps I'll be a role model to others who feel the same way. But I do this for myself. I've only got one shot with this body God gave me, and I want to keep it right, because I want to leave a long, full healthy life.
Yet even though my friends know that I am ok with them making their own choices, I'm left out of things sometimes. I had a friend try to "break it to me easy" on Friday that there would be drinking at a close friend's grad party. Big deal. Like I've never seen a keg of beer before. I wish people would stop ostracizing me for my beliefs. I'm not going to invite myself places. But it's not like I yell at people or look down on them because of their choices. No one is protecting me by leaving me out of things.
When I do hang out with my friends when they're getting drunk or high, it's not awkward. I don't feel uncomfortable not doing things, and I don't think they do either. I guess I'm just extra sensitive to not being invited places because I think it has something to do with my choices.
It's just hard to deal with not being invited sometimes.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Counting Blessings
Down the Line on a brand new Ipod really does make for a good mood.
Sometimes I wake up from my Hamlet-esque teenage melancholy to see that I'm on the right track with some things. I'm not going to sit here and list all of the amazing stuff I have in my life: to do that would take days. I have so many good things that are great blessings. But that's not what I'm talking about right now.
What I'm talking about is recognizing steps in making myself a better person. This blog is called Project: What I Want to Be for a reason. I'm trying to work through all the things I am and all the things I aspire to be.
Ultimately, my aspiration is to be the best servant of God that I can be, and do as He wishes me to do. I want to serve people and do good.
How to get there is still in question, but I think I'm piecing it together. I don't think "who am I?" is the right question to ask. I mean, what makes a personality?
Your temporal lobe? The people you surround yourself with? What you eat, read or wear? What you love? All of them? Or then there's "They say that what doesn't kill us makes us who we are", thank you Justin Pierre.
I just don't think that's the right question for me because I'm not sure if there is a huge discovery point I'm going to find. I don't really know if I'll wake up one day in college and say "Eureka! I AM me! I've found myself!"
I know a lot of people are affected by their peers in high school and whatnot, so that in college most people "find themselves" because they are more independent. I can honestly say that I am strong enough to be myself even with peer pressure. I think you could ask either of my parents, and they will tell you that I've been an individual since age 2. I don't feel the need to be "found", unless I'm lost without knowing it *grins*
I've never been too fond of society & rules & all that rot. I remember when I was nine years old, I got paint all over my very stylish windpants painting for a class project. My mom was really upset with me because I had to go to voice lessons right after school & I didn't have time to change my clothes. She cared what people thought of me if they saw me show up in Drums & Moore in dirty windpants. I remember I kept asking her, "what's the big deal? so what if I have a little gray paint on my pants? I thought you told me not to care what other people thought of how I looked!"
The point of that story is this: To hell with society! To hell with impressions based on appearance! I don't think that my individuality and "finding myself" has to start in college. I'm sure a lot of stuff will change when I'm on my own and in a new environment, but hear me well:
I love myself. I think I have good morals and a good head on my shoulders. I don't do things unless I want to. I don't need one or many people to like me for me to like myself. I am confident that my big heart will take me places. I may not be in college yet, but that does not make me any less of a force to be reckoned with. I know what I am today, and one day at a time is good enough for me.
Granted, there are things I'm not completely happy with, but feeling bad about them or rejecting them is a step in the wrong direction. Whilst blog hopping the other day, I read something on the subject that really stuck:
"perhaps the only way we can ever move past our darkness is to embrace it, admit it, bring light to it. in doing so, don't we change ourselves? accepting others and ourselves for who we are allows us to become something new, allows us to come into the light."
Kudos and thanks to Jeremy
And that's exactly what I'm talking about. So often we all think of our flaws as something ugly. We are not perfect- we can find perfection only in imperfection in this world. For a long, long time, I thought I hated parts of me because they weren't good enough. But how can I ever love and accept myself if there are things I'm "trying to fix"? I will not let this acceptance of flaws act as an excuse for not doing well on something, but I know now that I can never work as a whole unit of a person if I don't love every part of me. Even the "bad stuff" that other people don't like.
So here's the lesson of the day kids: Please don't demand change out of other people. Change will come on its own accord. When someone you love tells you to change, it's the worst feeling ever. Believe me. Acceptance is the FIRST step of change. Just be patient.
Peace and Love to you all! And for goodness sakes, say a little something! Comment whore or not, I want to hear other people's opinions!
Sometimes I wake up from my Hamlet-esque teenage melancholy to see that I'm on the right track with some things. I'm not going to sit here and list all of the amazing stuff I have in my life: to do that would take days. I have so many good things that are great blessings. But that's not what I'm talking about right now.
What I'm talking about is recognizing steps in making myself a better person. This blog is called Project: What I Want to Be for a reason. I'm trying to work through all the things I am and all the things I aspire to be.
Ultimately, my aspiration is to be the best servant of God that I can be, and do as He wishes me to do. I want to serve people and do good.
How to get there is still in question, but I think I'm piecing it together. I don't think "who am I?" is the right question to ask. I mean, what makes a personality?
Your temporal lobe? The people you surround yourself with? What you eat, read or wear? What you love? All of them? Or then there's "They say that what doesn't kill us makes us who we are", thank you Justin Pierre.
I just don't think that's the right question for me because I'm not sure if there is a huge discovery point I'm going to find. I don't really know if I'll wake up one day in college and say "Eureka! I AM me! I've found myself!"
I know a lot of people are affected by their peers in high school and whatnot, so that in college most people "find themselves" because they are more independent. I can honestly say that I am strong enough to be myself even with peer pressure. I think you could ask either of my parents, and they will tell you that I've been an individual since age 2. I don't feel the need to be "found", unless I'm lost without knowing it *grins*
I've never been too fond of society & rules & all that rot. I remember when I was nine years old, I got paint all over my very stylish windpants painting for a class project. My mom was really upset with me because I had to go to voice lessons right after school & I didn't have time to change my clothes. She cared what people thought of me if they saw me show up in Drums & Moore in dirty windpants. I remember I kept asking her, "what's the big deal? so what if I have a little gray paint on my pants? I thought you told me not to care what other people thought of how I looked!"
The point of that story is this: To hell with society! To hell with impressions based on appearance! I don't think that my individuality and "finding myself" has to start in college. I'm sure a lot of stuff will change when I'm on my own and in a new environment, but hear me well:
I love myself. I think I have good morals and a good head on my shoulders. I don't do things unless I want to. I don't need one or many people to like me for me to like myself. I am confident that my big heart will take me places. I may not be in college yet, but that does not make me any less of a force to be reckoned with. I know what I am today, and one day at a time is good enough for me.
Granted, there are things I'm not completely happy with, but feeling bad about them or rejecting them is a step in the wrong direction. Whilst blog hopping the other day, I read something on the subject that really stuck:
"perhaps the only way we can ever move past our darkness is to embrace it, admit it, bring light to it. in doing so, don't we change ourselves? accepting others and ourselves for who we are allows us to become something new, allows us to come into the light."
Kudos and thanks to Jeremy
And that's exactly what I'm talking about. So often we all think of our flaws as something ugly. We are not perfect- we can find perfection only in imperfection in this world. For a long, long time, I thought I hated parts of me because they weren't good enough. But how can I ever love and accept myself if there are things I'm "trying to fix"? I will not let this acceptance of flaws act as an excuse for not doing well on something, but I know now that I can never work as a whole unit of a person if I don't love every part of me. Even the "bad stuff" that other people don't like.
So here's the lesson of the day kids: Please don't demand change out of other people. Change will come on its own accord. When someone you love tells you to change, it's the worst feeling ever. Believe me. Acceptance is the FIRST step of change. Just be patient.
Peace and Love to you all! And for goodness sakes, say a little something! Comment whore or not, I want to hear other people's opinions!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
When the water runs dry
What a shame it is when something you fought for is no longer worth it, especially when it's something that meant the world. What makes things no longer worth it?
I wish I could understand why we (all of us, you know) give up on things that meant SO much. I gave up too.
Maybe these things come back, these things you devote yourself to. For example, I used to draw. A lot. Back in middle school and early high school I would spend hours on one sketch, shading and coloring and inking, etc. I gave it up for awhile, when I got busy sometime Junior year. I still doodled, but I just didn't give it the time I used to. A week ago (or so) I got out my old sketch pad and spent several hours drawing. I don't know what it was that made me do it, but it was nice re-exploring a part of myself.
I just hate to see my love (or other people's love) for that kind of stuff die, you know? I hope I never lose music that way. What a sorry life that would be.
That's it, folks.
By the way, do you like my new layout?
Tell me something.
I wish I could understand why we (all of us, you know) give up on things that meant SO much. I gave up too.
Maybe these things come back, these things you devote yourself to. For example, I used to draw. A lot. Back in middle school and early high school I would spend hours on one sketch, shading and coloring and inking, etc. I gave it up for awhile, when I got busy sometime Junior year. I still doodled, but I just didn't give it the time I used to. A week ago (or so) I got out my old sketch pad and spent several hours drawing. I don't know what it was that made me do it, but it was nice re-exploring a part of myself.
I just hate to see my love (or other people's love) for that kind of stuff die, you know? I hope I never lose music that way. What a sorry life that would be.
That's it, folks.
By the way, do you like my new layout?
Tell me something.
Monday, June 16, 2008
What's the Big Deal?
I need to stop worrying about little things.
I just spent a good ten minutes typing about my thoughts/wonders at why some people don't like me. That was 10 minutes I could have been doing something else, but instead I spent it worrying.
I guess some people just can't like you, and that's it. That's something I should be concentrating on- letting go of small things, because the bigger things are going to be harder to give up. So if I can just get over the fact that so-and-so's parents never really liked me, or what's-her-face has hated me since Freshman year, that would be good.
Project: Recalibrate and refocus your energy, Lauren. Work on things you can actually control and let go of the things you can't. I'm thinking it will make life better.
I just spent a good ten minutes typing about my thoughts/wonders at why some people don't like me. That was 10 minutes I could have been doing something else, but instead I spent it worrying.
I guess some people just can't like you, and that's it. That's something I should be concentrating on- letting go of small things, because the bigger things are going to be harder to give up. So if I can just get over the fact that so-and-so's parents never really liked me, or what's-her-face has hated me since Freshman year, that would be good.
Project: Recalibrate and refocus your energy, Lauren. Work on things you can actually control and let go of the things you can't. I'm thinking it will make life better.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
The Truths Within Our Hearts
I had a nice conversation with my mom tonight. She told me she believes that we all have Truths within our hearts that help to tell us who we are. They are the things that call out to us, that make us put our foot down and stand up for what we believe in. She also said some people ignore them.
I hope I'm following mine. I question my beliefs sometimes. Why I do the things I do. Why I choose to stand alone on some issues (my stance on drugs, alcohol, sex) rather than give into peer pressure. I hate to think that people find me boring or uncool because of the choices I make regarding those things. I think I am following these Truths within my heart. They may be different than other people's...but I want to follow mine.
And even though I feel alone now, on all of those stances, I hope that one day I will find some one or some many who understand. I think college will show how important these stances are to me.
I want to be open minded and understanding about and of other people's decisions. I want to be more ok with change than I have been. But I don't want to make decisions to be like others just because I'm different. I don't want to choose to do something just to jump on the bandwagon and do it because "everyone else is doing that". The change needs to come from me and not from others.
A lot has been changing around me lately, but none of it has been initiated by me. I think I'll start with little changes in my life and see if I can't loosen myself and try not to stay so grounded.
I hope I'm following mine. I question my beliefs sometimes. Why I do the things I do. Why I choose to stand alone on some issues (my stance on drugs, alcohol, sex) rather than give into peer pressure. I hate to think that people find me boring or uncool because of the choices I make regarding those things. I think I am following these Truths within my heart. They may be different than other people's...but I want to follow mine.
And even though I feel alone now, on all of those stances, I hope that one day I will find some one or some many who understand. I think college will show how important these stances are to me.
I want to be open minded and understanding about and of other people's decisions. I want to be more ok with change than I have been. But I don't want to make decisions to be like others just because I'm different. I don't want to choose to do something just to jump on the bandwagon and do it because "everyone else is doing that". The change needs to come from me and not from others.
A lot has been changing around me lately, but none of it has been initiated by me. I think I'll start with little changes in my life and see if I can't loosen myself and try not to stay so grounded.
I couldn't think of a more exciting title than "GRADUATION"
S0 I stuck with that.
I figured I'd write a little something about it, since it is a pretty big change.
I'll be honest: Over the last 12 years, I have said some stuff I really didn't mean. I have bitched and complained about my graduating class. I've called people shallow, gotten into numerous political squabbles, cried over dumb things people said in middle school, been called "weird" more times than I can count, but in the end...the Class of 2008 was a pretty cool class, and I am going to miss people.
Not an incredible amount, but a little. These people I have shared the elementary, middle and high school with have shaped my life. Maybe not an immense amount in comparison to what's going to happen in the next few years, but for now they have.
The actual ceremony lasted about an hour, which is good for a class our size. It was a hot, stuffy night and we all got warm and uncomfortable. That aside, it was a good night for reminiscing , aspiring and glorifying the move between required public education and whatever we chose to do next. It sunk in that evening (among other times) just how close our class is. From "Ugly Sweater Day" to "Toga Day" to the cross-dressing fiasco, we have stuck together as a team. After one of our classmates finished her speech, regarding the present and how close our class was, all 321 of us began to chant "Friends, Friends Friends Friends!" over and over, louder and louder until we were screaming at the top of our lungs. And in that moment, it didn't matter that I had been picked on in 5th grade music class or that so-and-so called his girlfriend a whore two years ago. What mattered was our success and our hope that it would continue in higher education.
My friend Blake gave a phenomenal speech about the future and what is to come. (Kristjan and Greta, our other speakers did a fabulous job as well, let's not forget). Instead of the fluffy, warm-and-fuzzy stuff Blake could have said (like, "the world is our Oyster" and "the world better be ready for us!") he took an honest approach: He admitted that things in this country weren't ideal, and that we wouldn't be stepping into a future that was safe & sound. But that we were a talented class, a gifted and smart class that could work with other people to make our futures better. He said we have the power to do awesome things- and we do. We do and we also have the responsibility, if we want to make this world a better place.
He also thanked the "possibly underpaid" teachers, while shooting a glance at the School Board President behind him (who is fighting the teachers on their demand for a contract, which they have gone 200+ days without)
And as selfish as it seems, that moment of time, that hour, was about us. Nothing else mattered but our success and our joy to be getting out of the high school.
Walking across the stage (without tripping! yay me!) was great...surreal, really. The principal shook my hand and said, "well, it's been a long ride. Thanks for everything you've done to contribute, especially with music." (or something near that. I wasn't really listening, i wanted my freaking diploma) and dear, wise Mr. Keeney called my name. I did the tassel switching thing and then sat down. It seemed so anticlimactic, switching tassel from one side of my head to the other...but I felt awesome. I was tickled to have graduated. (These days I don't know what to do with my sorry butt. I've been wasting away watching tv, cleaning, and filing music for my high school music teacher. Good use of time, I assure you).
Sadly enough, after that moment passed, the world stopped caring again. The photography companies have already sent out pictures of next year's seniors and we're chopped liver. Funny how things go.
Now I've got next year to look forward to.
As much as I talk about being excited for college and say "I can't wait to get out of this town!", I am scared to leave life as I know it. Things are going to change next year and to be honest, it scares the living crap out of me. For those of you who have known me for awhile, or even those of you who are just getting to know me, you'll realize that most of the time, I'm stuck on my ways. I am happy with life as it is, and change isn't always something I welcome. I want that to be different. I would like to look at change as a great thing, and I'm trying. I think I'll have to conquer the fear first. Once I do not fear change, it will not be painful. I've got to be willing to take risks.
I figured I'd write a little something about it, since it is a pretty big change.
I'll be honest: Over the last 12 years, I have said some stuff I really didn't mean. I have bitched and complained about my graduating class. I've called people shallow, gotten into numerous political squabbles, cried over dumb things people said in middle school, been called "weird" more times than I can count, but in the end...the Class of 2008 was a pretty cool class, and I am going to miss people.
Not an incredible amount, but a little. These people I have shared the elementary, middle and high school with have shaped my life. Maybe not an immense amount in comparison to what's going to happen in the next few years, but for now they have.
The actual ceremony lasted about an hour, which is good for a class our size. It was a hot, stuffy night and we all got warm and uncomfortable. That aside, it was a good night for reminiscing , aspiring and glorifying the move between required public education and whatever we chose to do next. It sunk in that evening (among other times) just how close our class is. From "Ugly Sweater Day" to "Toga Day" to the cross-dressing fiasco, we have stuck together as a team. After one of our classmates finished her speech, regarding the present and how close our class was, all 321 of us began to chant "Friends, Friends Friends Friends!" over and over, louder and louder until we were screaming at the top of our lungs. And in that moment, it didn't matter that I had been picked on in 5th grade music class or that so-and-so called his girlfriend a whore two years ago. What mattered was our success and our hope that it would continue in higher education.
My friend Blake gave a phenomenal speech about the future and what is to come. (Kristjan and Greta, our other speakers did a fabulous job as well, let's not forget). Instead of the fluffy, warm-and-fuzzy stuff Blake could have said (like, "the world is our Oyster" and "the world better be ready for us!") he took an honest approach: He admitted that things in this country weren't ideal, and that we wouldn't be stepping into a future that was safe & sound. But that we were a talented class, a gifted and smart class that could work with other people to make our futures better. He said we have the power to do awesome things- and we do. We do and we also have the responsibility, if we want to make this world a better place.
He also thanked the "possibly underpaid" teachers, while shooting a glance at the School Board President behind him (who is fighting the teachers on their demand for a contract, which they have gone 200+ days without)
And as selfish as it seems, that moment of time, that hour, was about us. Nothing else mattered but our success and our joy to be getting out of the high school.
Walking across the stage (without tripping! yay me!) was great...surreal, really. The principal shook my hand and said, "well, it's been a long ride. Thanks for everything you've done to contribute, especially with music." (or something near that. I wasn't really listening, i wanted my freaking diploma) and dear, wise Mr. Keeney called my name. I did the tassel switching thing and then sat down. It seemed so anticlimactic, switching tassel from one side of my head to the other...but I felt awesome. I was tickled to have graduated. (These days I don't know what to do with my sorry butt. I've been wasting away watching tv, cleaning, and filing music for my high school music teacher. Good use of time, I assure you).
Sadly enough, after that moment passed, the world stopped caring again. The photography companies have already sent out pictures of next year's seniors and we're chopped liver. Funny how things go.
Now I've got next year to look forward to.
As much as I talk about being excited for college and say "I can't wait to get out of this town!", I am scared to leave life as I know it. Things are going to change next year and to be honest, it scares the living crap out of me. For those of you who have known me for awhile, or even those of you who are just getting to know me, you'll realize that most of the time, I'm stuck on my ways. I am happy with life as it is, and change isn't always something I welcome. I want that to be different. I would like to look at change as a great thing, and I'm trying. I think I'll have to conquer the fear first. Once I do not fear change, it will not be painful. I've got to be willing to take risks.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Two Days In
As promised, here are my thoughts of two days of truth telling.
I never realized how much I fib about things. Not big giant lies, but little ones just...because. It's strange. Just to make situations easier.
For example, today I spent some time cleaning my house for my relatives. But before Dad & I took care of a lot of stuff, but I had to go to a voice lessons. I was in my pajamas all the way up until five minutes before I had to leave, and ended up leaving my house about 10 minutes later than the time needed to get there punctually. I thought, 'I'll just tell Kassy I was cleaning.' Thing was, I wasn't cleaning, I had been taking a shower & I took too long.
It alarmed me that I had thought up some dumb story that quickly. What I really wanted was to not disappoint someone. This really tells me something about myself- that I'm used to making people happy, I WANT to make people happy, and I'm willing to sacrifice some things to make it happen. Honesty can't be something I sacrifice. It's healthy (not only for me but for others) to be honest.
Good news is, my honesty proves to be a good thing, and it is helping. One of my friends was texting me today, distressed about her ex-boyfriend. She was upset that he made other plans than to go to her recital tomorrow, and she is having a hard time getting over him. I asked her if she wanted my opinion (which she did) and I told her she needed to give herself a chance to take space. I told her that from what I saw, he wasn't putting her on his priority list, so she shouldn't put him on hers. I told her she should concentrate on other things that will make her life good. And rather than being upset like I thought she might be, she was happy to have received the advice (I think).
So good, I guess. I also see that in general, I'm a pretty honest person. I guess this week is the week to ask me silly questions like "when was the last time you peed your pants?" because I will tell you the truth :P
p.s. Yes, I graduated from high school tonight (ROCK!) and I'll be sure to write about that in a later post, once I figure out what it is I need to say. That needs to go in my thought book first. :)
I never realized how much I fib about things. Not big giant lies, but little ones just...because. It's strange. Just to make situations easier.
For example, today I spent some time cleaning my house for my relatives. But before Dad & I took care of a lot of stuff, but I had to go to a voice lessons. I was in my pajamas all the way up until five minutes before I had to leave, and ended up leaving my house about 10 minutes later than the time needed to get there punctually. I thought, 'I'll just tell Kassy I was cleaning.' Thing was, I wasn't cleaning, I had been taking a shower & I took too long.
It alarmed me that I had thought up some dumb story that quickly. What I really wanted was to not disappoint someone. This really tells me something about myself- that I'm used to making people happy, I WANT to make people happy, and I'm willing to sacrifice some things to make it happen. Honesty can't be something I sacrifice. It's healthy (not only for me but for others) to be honest.
Good news is, my honesty proves to be a good thing, and it is helping. One of my friends was texting me today, distressed about her ex-boyfriend. She was upset that he made other plans than to go to her recital tomorrow, and she is having a hard time getting over him. I asked her if she wanted my opinion (which she did) and I told her she needed to give herself a chance to take space. I told her that from what I saw, he wasn't putting her on his priority list, so she shouldn't put him on hers. I told her she should concentrate on other things that will make her life good. And rather than being upset like I thought she might be, she was happy to have received the advice (I think).
So good, I guess. I also see that in general, I'm a pretty honest person. I guess this week is the week to ask me silly questions like "when was the last time you peed your pants?" because I will tell you the truth :P
p.s. Yes, I graduated from high school tonight (ROCK!) and I'll be sure to write about that in a later post, once I figure out what it is I need to say. That needs to go in my thought book first. :)
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Truth
I was inadvertently given a challenge the other day. It came from this post of a family friend. It was a challenge to look for truth- or to be honest. I really recommend you check out the link to the entry- she says a lot of great stuff.
It made me think about my experience with truth and honesty with others. It made me realize how often I dance around things as to not hurt others, or to avoid conflict. They may be little white lies, but I think they hurt things in the end, because every one builds a mask.
I think back to my relationship with Caleb and remember how honest I was. That relationship had an amazing amount of honesty. I seldom lied- and when I did, it was usually over things that bothered me that I didn't want to make waves about. But it still caused problems. I was afraid of a lack of compatibility, or an inability to "work things out"
And we all see how well that worked. One of us ended up with a mask anyway.
So if he was the person I was most honest with, what does that tell you about my relations with other people? I don't want to hurt feelings, so sometimes I won't tell my friends things they probably need to hear (but then again, who am I to judge?) I should give my honest advice when they ask, even if it's bitter for them to swallow.
So starting tomorrow, as dd suggested, I will be honest (a.k.a. "tell it as I see things") for an entire week and see where it gets me. I think it will be good for me. It may hurt, frustrate or anger people, but...maybe it will be good for me. We'll see how the experiement goes.
I'm not saying I'm going to release every little thing I think and feel (not like the movie "Liar, Liar") but rather, when I am asked something or put in a situation where I would usually fib, I will try to be straightforward and honest.
I'll be sure to let you know how things go.
It made me think about my experience with truth and honesty with others. It made me realize how often I dance around things as to not hurt others, or to avoid conflict. They may be little white lies, but I think they hurt things in the end, because every one builds a mask.
I think back to my relationship with Caleb and remember how honest I was. That relationship had an amazing amount of honesty. I seldom lied- and when I did, it was usually over things that bothered me that I didn't want to make waves about. But it still caused problems. I was afraid of a lack of compatibility, or an inability to "work things out"
And we all see how well that worked. One of us ended up with a mask anyway.
So if he was the person I was most honest with, what does that tell you about my relations with other people? I don't want to hurt feelings, so sometimes I won't tell my friends things they probably need to hear (but then again, who am I to judge?) I should give my honest advice when they ask, even if it's bitter for them to swallow.
So starting tomorrow, as dd suggested, I will be honest (a.k.a. "tell it as I see things") for an entire week and see where it gets me. I think it will be good for me. It may hurt, frustrate or anger people, but...maybe it will be good for me. We'll see how the experiement goes.
I'm not saying I'm going to release every little thing I think and feel (not like the movie "Liar, Liar") but rather, when I am asked something or put in a situation where I would usually fib, I will try to be straightforward and honest.
I'll be sure to let you know how things go.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The games we play
and I'm not talking about Monopoly and Scrabble.
When you're on the outside looking in, you see things much clearer than you'd sometimes like to. I am seeing so many of my friends being taken advantage of, being played, being led unter false pretences and there's nothing I can do about it. I can warn them or inform them of what I'm seeing, but it does nothing if they don't see it too.
The most aggrivating of these games that I'm seeing right now is the "I'm using you for sex" game, and the "I am waiting until you take me back" game.
And it's especially bad when I see girls play games: I am a girl, I know how we're wired, and I know how to play those games.
But I'm not the referee. I just have to sit here and shut up and watch people get hurt (they've got to make their own mistakes) or be led on (I guess they'll figure it out eventually)
It just bothers me because I feel like I'm not being a good enough friend. I feel like I could prevent this pain, I can help them...but I can't.
So here's to 3 of my friends: You know I love you. You know I'm always here for you, and I'm just worried about the way you're being treated right now. I don't wantn to see you hurt and I don't want to see you played.
Yes, he's using you for sex.
Yes, she's been doing stuff with her ex-boyfriend for the last few months and isn't "just with you".
Yes, she has expectations to be more than just you friend.
I'm certainly not omniscient, but I am observant. And that is what I gathered. I just wish I had the guts to tell you these things for real, even if you hated me.
When you're on the outside looking in, you see things much clearer than you'd sometimes like to. I am seeing so many of my friends being taken advantage of, being played, being led unter false pretences and there's nothing I can do about it. I can warn them or inform them of what I'm seeing, but it does nothing if they don't see it too.
The most aggrivating of these games that I'm seeing right now is the "I'm using you for sex" game, and the "I am waiting until you take me back" game.
And it's especially bad when I see girls play games: I am a girl, I know how we're wired, and I know how to play those games.
But I'm not the referee. I just have to sit here and shut up and watch people get hurt (they've got to make their own mistakes) or be led on (I guess they'll figure it out eventually)
It just bothers me because I feel like I'm not being a good enough friend. I feel like I could prevent this pain, I can help them...but I can't.
So here's to 3 of my friends: You know I love you. You know I'm always here for you, and I'm just worried about the way you're being treated right now. I don't wantn to see you hurt and I don't want to see you played.
Yes, he's using you for sex.
Yes, she's been doing stuff with her ex-boyfriend for the last few months and isn't "just with you".
Yes, she has expectations to be more than just you friend.
I'm certainly not omniscient, but I am observant. And that is what I gathered. I just wish I had the guts to tell you these things for real, even if you hated me.
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