you should probably get it form the source.
My childhood companion and consolation, my 13 year old dog Riley, died sometime in the night. I am so sad to loose him. Every day, I feel a bit older and wiser, but never have I felt so old and worn.
When our old dog Spencer died when I was 5, my dad was very sad. It was, up until last year, the only time I'd ever seen him cry. We got Riley as a puppy the summer after Spencer died. Spencer had been an old dog as long as I'd known him. I held Riley before his eyes had even opened. I whispered to him that I couldn't wait for him to open his eyes and see me. He scratched me as a newborn, and our rough start began.
He chewed up my dolls. He knocked me over in the backyard. He ate my mittens. He pooped in the house when he was a puppy (and as an old man) but I loved him, so so much. He was so naughty. He'd run away and roll in dead animals, swim in the Yahara River and get stuck. I'd cry every time I thought dad was going to give him away.
I have known for years how difficult this would be when he died. I had no idea.
I miss him so much.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
To See the Beauty in the World Through My Own Eyes
Unlike last summer, I find myself short of things to post here. Perhaps it is because I'm lacking an audience? ;)
Last summer I knew of a few readers that I kept updated through this blog that have since disappeared. And without being in the fair, white North (as Mr. Schneider calls UWEC) I doubt I have my relatives & mother checking in all the time. They can just ask me how I'm doing in person. Which is really great. I see at least some part of my extended family every two weeks or so. Tonight we'll be going to the annual Brewer Game with the Gerners, Posers and Dybs. It's fantastic to be this close to my family. (Author's Note: At the game last night Ann informed me that she just read this yesterday. So, I do still have readers. Ha!)
We just got back from camping about an hour or so ago. Although, it was pretty wimpy camping. We stayed in the pop-up (for Pat's convienience) and were less than five minutes away from any "polite society" (in other words, a shopping mall. I got myself my very first pair of running shoes and am so excited to be joining the great number of runners on my mom's side of the family. Hopefully they'll wait for me when I start lagging behind!)
It's been uncharacteristically hot the last few days here. I've felt like my skin is going to melt off my body (and imagine, I want so badly to go back to Africa...) So among the beach searching and kayaking we did, we stopped for a nice ice cream treat at the place we used to vacation every year for CFV. When we left after 2002, I was so, so sad to be finding someplace else. Now we've been at Sandy Bay Shores for 5 years (this year will be the sixth) and we're outgrowing our space. So we did a little checking in on the space we left behind when I was twelve.
It was much smaller than I remembered it to be. The lawn that held us so many years ago could never do so now. I kept saying, between ice cream cone licks, "How did we fit here?!" (with a family of 33, it's hard to imagine. the last time we were there, there were only 30 of us...ha!)
It amazed me how much the Rivers Edge made me think of DP. The second I looked to the far end of the cabins we stayed in, I almost expected to see her there with a book and her camera. Another blow to remember that she's no longer with us. She wasn't much with us in person at Sandy Bay Shores, so I understand why Rivers Edge embodies her more. It was one of the last places I saw her in consistently good health.
Even though she left us over a year ago, I do not feel bad for still missing her this much. This blog is a place of comfort for me, where I can talk about it as freely as I want. (Not that I can't say it to my family, but it would be done so with someone's tears, I am sure. And it's just awkward for my friends that never knew her) I write a lot about her here, and I am glad for it. I believe she would approve of indulging in reflection. :)
I'm starting to be less hard on myself, I think. Sometimes it's difficult to tell when that's appropriate. But I should let myself feel the way I feel without guilt. Feelings are natural. It is when they turn to action that we must be cautious.
So what else is new? I'm spending my time engulfed in the works of Shakespeare and Austen. I've given myself the goal of reading all of Jane Austen's novels this summer and have (almost) conquered 2 with 4 remaining. Guildenstern and I are becoming quite friendly as I find myself adopting the selfish, backstabbing ways of a conartist. We're performing in July. The line, "Denmark is a prison" has never been more true as we are setting it in a modern maximum security prison. And, 3 weeks form opening, I still have no clue why I'm in prison. Did I blow up a building, do some hard drugs, or embezzle money? I can't decide. It's difficult, getting so in touch with a dark side of myself I don't know. There's a beast in all of us. I haven't seen mine in a very long time, and I can't say I'm ready to make my scenes that real. But anything else is cheating.
The mind wanders.
Peace & Love,
Lauren
Last summer I knew of a few readers that I kept updated through this blog that have since disappeared. And without being in the fair, white North (as Mr. Schneider calls UWEC) I doubt I have my relatives & mother checking in all the time. They can just ask me how I'm doing in person. Which is really great. I see at least some part of my extended family every two weeks or so. Tonight we'll be going to the annual Brewer Game with the Gerners, Posers and Dybs. It's fantastic to be this close to my family. (Author's Note: At the game last night Ann informed me that she just read this yesterday. So, I do still have readers. Ha!)
We just got back from camping about an hour or so ago. Although, it was pretty wimpy camping. We stayed in the pop-up (for Pat's convienience) and were less than five minutes away from any "polite society" (in other words, a shopping mall. I got myself my very first pair of running shoes and am so excited to be joining the great number of runners on my mom's side of the family. Hopefully they'll wait for me when I start lagging behind!)
It's been uncharacteristically hot the last few days here. I've felt like my skin is going to melt off my body (and imagine, I want so badly to go back to Africa...) So among the beach searching and kayaking we did, we stopped for a nice ice cream treat at the place we used to vacation every year for CFV. When we left after 2002, I was so, so sad to be finding someplace else. Now we've been at Sandy Bay Shores for 5 years (this year will be the sixth) and we're outgrowing our space. So we did a little checking in on the space we left behind when I was twelve.
It was much smaller than I remembered it to be. The lawn that held us so many years ago could never do so now. I kept saying, between ice cream cone licks, "How did we fit here?!" (with a family of 33, it's hard to imagine. the last time we were there, there were only 30 of us...ha!)
It amazed me how much the Rivers Edge made me think of DP. The second I looked to the far end of the cabins we stayed in, I almost expected to see her there with a book and her camera. Another blow to remember that she's no longer with us. She wasn't much with us in person at Sandy Bay Shores, so I understand why Rivers Edge embodies her more. It was one of the last places I saw her in consistently good health.
Even though she left us over a year ago, I do not feel bad for still missing her this much. This blog is a place of comfort for me, where I can talk about it as freely as I want. (Not that I can't say it to my family, but it would be done so with someone's tears, I am sure. And it's just awkward for my friends that never knew her) I write a lot about her here, and I am glad for it. I believe she would approve of indulging in reflection. :)
I'm starting to be less hard on myself, I think. Sometimes it's difficult to tell when that's appropriate. But I should let myself feel the way I feel without guilt. Feelings are natural. It is when they turn to action that we must be cautious.
So what else is new? I'm spending my time engulfed in the works of Shakespeare and Austen. I've given myself the goal of reading all of Jane Austen's novels this summer and have (almost) conquered 2 with 4 remaining. Guildenstern and I are becoming quite friendly as I find myself adopting the selfish, backstabbing ways of a conartist. We're performing in July. The line, "Denmark is a prison" has never been more true as we are setting it in a modern maximum security prison. And, 3 weeks form opening, I still have no clue why I'm in prison. Did I blow up a building, do some hard drugs, or embezzle money? I can't decide. It's difficult, getting so in touch with a dark side of myself I don't know. There's a beast in all of us. I haven't seen mine in a very long time, and I can't say I'm ready to make my scenes that real. But anything else is cheating.
The mind wanders.
Peace & Love,
Lauren
Friday, June 12, 2009
Process of Thought
I wish I could observe my true nature from afar, rather than guess at what I know about myself verses what I'd hope to believe.
Thinking back to DP's failing health last spring, my family was doing a lot of hurting. And rather than turning in for support, I turned out to find someone outside of the situation. My outburst was rejected and my lesson was learned. Family is the greatest source of strength I have- when friends fail. The bonds of love and commitment are much stronger in my family than in any friendships I have, even those I judged to be the strongest.
So again I find myself at a breaking point, at a family problem that we seem to be unable to solve. And I have the insane desire to turn out, to talk to whoever I can about this. But this all feels like a cry for attention, a "oh, pity me and my messed up situation!" And I can't judge if it is or not. I'm not sure if I'm being honest for the sake of honesty, or hoping someone somewhere will read this and be able to fix things. Because I know that the latter won't be happening.
The place I should be turning is up, yet I never find as much time for God as I should. How silly I am that I type all this melancholy up just to realize that at the end of it.
-God Bless-
Thinking back to DP's failing health last spring, my family was doing a lot of hurting. And rather than turning in for support, I turned out to find someone outside of the situation. My outburst was rejected and my lesson was learned. Family is the greatest source of strength I have- when friends fail. The bonds of love and commitment are much stronger in my family than in any friendships I have, even those I judged to be the strongest.
So again I find myself at a breaking point, at a family problem that we seem to be unable to solve. And I have the insane desire to turn out, to talk to whoever I can about this. But this all feels like a cry for attention, a "oh, pity me and my messed up situation!" And I can't judge if it is or not. I'm not sure if I'm being honest for the sake of honesty, or hoping someone somewhere will read this and be able to fix things. Because I know that the latter won't be happening.
The place I should be turning is up, yet I never find as much time for God as I should. How silly I am that I type all this melancholy up just to realize that at the end of it.
-God Bless-
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