I am such an idiot.

Really though. Stop pining Lauren.
All the same, this is how I feel.

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way

'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong, be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails

Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
That I could have sworn I'd heard him say it
Ten thousand times, oh, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sara-bareilles-lyrics/between-the-lines-lyrics.html ]
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
Stand in the center of it all

Too late, two choices, to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready when he meant let go

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always be
You and me always between the lines
Between the lines, between the lines

~

On another note, my roommate is incredibly caring, perceptive and awesome. I love Bobo. She knows me, and it is amazing.

One Art

How is it that this place, such a public place, can be so quiet and private? I think it's the idea that I'm not keeping things to myself- what i need to say is sent out into the universe, where maybe, just maybe, it will end up in front of the right pair of eyes. Cryptic things I need to say to a few people:

- You are my rock. Even if I can't tell you everything all the time, you keep me sane. You have given me everything I've ever needed, even if I haven't wanted it.

- Ditto goes for you, but in a more literal and less spiritual sense.

- I'm worried about you. I hope I didn't fail you. I want the world for you.

- I've wanted to apologize to you for a long time now. To tell you that I took the amount you cared for me, and the patience you had, for granted. We haven't talked in such a long time, and everything is ok. But I feel like I owe you an apology.

- I miss you everyday. I should never have gambled what I couldn't stand to lose and I am so sorry it was you I gambled. I love you, but not in the way you think. And I want to believe in you, very badly. This makes me think of you:

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

What I Want To Be

"To be alone with me, you went up on a tree. I've never known a man who loves me."

It occurs to me, I care way too much about what people think. And really, none of it matters, because someday, they will be gone. And only He remains.
What a powerful thought.

So there are a tons of things that I make SO important that really aren't. For example, who cares about my stupid Facebook profile picture? or my clothes? or any of it?
I shouldn't.

Concentrating on what's important, on resting safely in God's hands, is the most important thing. Oh, how I wish my faith would not waiver so much. Will I feel this way tomorrow? I hope so.

I will hold what I can dear to my heart, and let the rest go by as it will. I have no control over anything but my own heart. And I will sing praises until my dying day, alleluia.

In this moment, God is very real to me. I see it in the strength of others, in the love my roommate shows me by praying for me when she should be sleeping before work.

And now, I am not scared of any of the things I have to face these days. A paper is just a paper. In the end, it will be inconsequential. I've forgotten my covenant with God- serve him, he'll take care of the rest.

There is so much love inside of me, and it is all Him.

Today, I needed a reminder.

My friend had this posted on his facebook. I needed to apply it to my life today. As good as I have been doing lately (I "woke up" from my zombie like state in late February) I still need some reminders that I am desirable, I am worth loving and I will find it again.

I think after experiencing a relationship that meant a lot, that budded beautifully for a long time, I expected all of them to be that way. And while the most recent was snuffed out rather quickly, I accepted the fact that while he said "I love you" he wasn't really telling the truth. He thought he was...but he wasn't ready to say it, and I can acknowledge that without it hurting. Until I remember that I've only been loved once, and it didn't work out very well. Then I feel bad. because I can't honestly say, "I'll happen again." It didn't this time. So, here's what I need to be reminded of. Something my friend James titled "Someday, you will be loved":

I once knew a girl,
In the years of my youth.
With eyes like the summer,
All beauty and truth.
And in the moment I fled,
I left a note and it read:
"Someday, you will be loved."

You'll be loved, You'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
And the memories of me,
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday, you will be loved.

I cannot pretend,
That I felt any regret.
'Cause each broken heart,
Will eventually mend.
And as the blood runs red,
down the needle and thread,
Someday, you will be loved.

You'll be loved You'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
And the memories of me,
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday, you will be loved.

Proactivity

I need to concentrate more on giving love than recieving it. I'm not nearly patient enough with "the plan".

And it feels wrong to me that the one thing I want more than anything in my life is the love of a life partner. Why do I NEED someone to be simply amazed by me? Because that's what I want: That look in his eye that says, "I love you, and I cannot lose you. You have changed me, and you amaze me."
We come into the world alone, we die alone. We are alone in our heads and in our hearts- so why do I keep seeking myself in other people?
It's no good.

But how do I stop it? How do I rely more on a higher power I'm mad at half the time? (not really mad at...just frustrated with, not understanding of. I don't want to push God away)

I don't want my life's greatest fear to be not finding someone to love me. That is ridiculous. I need to know on my own.

I've been thinking about DP a lot lately. 2 years doesn't make any difference when it comes to her advice.
"don't let that boy get you down" <-- very solid advice
"love yourself" <-- the best advice

I've decided to be proactive. I will not learn anything from this internal struggle if I don't do something to change the pattern I'm beginning to see. Overall, my anxiety is becoming WAY to much to handle. It's affecting my appetite, my daily activities. And I am making a choice- I want to be healthy, even if it means putting myself on medication. I don't like it, but this is my life, and I WILL live it.

I feel like I'm 18 all over again

For the exact same reasons.

"You're selfish and all you talk about is yourself". I worked so hard to overcome those words and now, 2 years and a lot of growth later, they are thrown back in my face. And I don't know how to feel anymore. About any of it.

What if I never escape this?
What if everyone that gets that close sees it and runs away? Runs away with disgust...not just from a relationship, but from friendship...

I am so sorry for things I don't even know I've done. So so sorry I cannot be what people need. Sorry that I am not enough as me.

(One thing that haunts and hurts, too much, too much to mention. Was I really seeking good, or just seeking attention?)

How Romantic

There is something to be said about Romanticism. For the first time since the Baroque (1600-1750), Europe once again saw a sweeping movement of emotion in music, art and architecture. Gone (yet again...) were the days of logic! The heart ruled supreme!
There is something great about Mozart's simple cadences, ebbing and flowing. They bring excitement, joy, surprise, sadness...but I am starting to truly appreciate romanticism (and gosh and golly gee, we aren't even going to cover it 'till after Spring Break!)

I was just listening to Fanny Mendelssohn's String Quartet in E Flat Major. The woman was a genius. Now it's onto Gabriel Faure's Piano Quartet No. 1 in C Minor. Thank you Pandora.

I never expected to, but I am loving my major more and more each day. There is so much to discover, so much to create! So much to learn about my art form... I'm still scared, but I will no longer let those fears stop me. And I know I can be successful in what I do. Breaking up with Eric has allowed me to find solace in my music- well, at least the opportunity is there. Over the last few days, I've consistently chosen to mope instead of focusing. But even the thought of digging into my music, something greater than me, is such a release. To be lost in something that has healed so many broken hearts...

On that note (no pun intended) this experience has been very different from the last one...and at the same time, not. It allows me to see how much I've grown. I am much more confident in myself this time around. I have a lot of self-understanding I lacked last time. I'm a lot more easy going on my heart. It's doing everything it can...and I've learned to be understanding and patient. That's all part of the "taking care of myself" thing that everyone keeps telling me to do. I cannot help how important he is to me at this point. My heart is not letting go and my brain telling it to stop isn't going to do anything. I can only physically remove myself, which I am trying to do as much as I am able. And over all, I don't have any negative feelings towards Eric- I can't. We knew things weren't working and we stopped things while things were still salvageable. I still have great fears: being replaced, being unimportant to him, having to start over again...so I'm trying not to think about men so much. I'm still in the part where I can't picture myself with anyone else. And that will change, or we will somehow gravitate towards each other again. Either or, I know I will be fine. In the meantime, my music will become my life. It needs to be if I want to be a successful music major.

...And now I've got Beethoven filling my ears and I wonder how logic could ever have been the dominant thought in his head when he composed this. Such excitement!

So, this weeks Project: What I want to be-

I want to be a student, artist and friend. I want to put my studies before play and GET SLEEP. Take care of myself. Let's hope I stick to this.

Purgatorio

I am in between a forbidden past and the terror of moving forward.


" The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals, and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights me not"

"What a rouge and peasant slave am I!"

"To be or not to be? That is the question- whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them"

Am I really back to the predicament of sawing off my arm? Is it that bad of an infection that I have to go through the pain of cutting an exboyfriend out of my life? Or is this free of the poison? I can't tell, I'm in too deep. I keep thinking it shouldn't feel this bad. It shouldn't feel this bad, it's only been 2 months...not 19. Nowhere near the length and strength of the last one. But at the same time, that is so, so untrue.

I'm supposed to be patient. Wait until he's ready to talk. He needs it. I don't know if I can or if I should sit around. The back and forth hurts. Sometimes he feels like himself, like we could just go back to friendship. And sometimes not. I am so, so lost. I hate this. I don't want to live in a world where he doesn't matter anymore. The last one nearly drove me mad, cutting it all away.
I don't want to think I'm unable to be friends.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

A Girl's Pledge

This is my resolution for 2010. I will be strong and whole and me. I am a woman, and a beautiful soul and I have so much to give.


A Girl's Pledge

I am a girl.
I am an expression of beauty, joy and love.
I have the right, the power and the ability, to
create a beautiful, joyful and peaceful world
for myself and others.
I have a body, but I am not my body.
I have a face, but I am not my face.
I am the most important thing in the world to me.
I am love in motion.
I am the light of the world!
I can create!
I can make a mistake!
I can create something beautiful in all that I do.
I deserve the best.
I give my best.
I do my best to always take care of me!
I am a girl!
I am growing into a woman!
I AM IT!
I am the joy the world is waiting for!

- Iyanla Vanzant, Don't Give It Away!