So winter break begins. I'm at home, feeling crummy, mentally and physically. This might be one post oozing with pity points, but at least I'm aware of it.
I find myself a larger person trying to fit into the same old shoes. I haven't been in a relationship in about a year and a half, and I've changed a lot since then. What is supposed to be different? What is supposed to feel the same?
It's been about a month that Eric and I have been dating and we're long distance till break is over. I'm ok. I remember what this feels like, and I'm alright living the day to day. What's harder, I remember, is not having the opportunities to express love in whatever way we want. Pretty much left to phone calls, email and skype. I'm trying to be easy going. Concentrate on stuff here. Know that I'm important rather than thinking, "I THINK I'm important...c'mon Lauren, you're important..."
I know I'm being ridiculous, I just don't know WHY or how to stop it. It bothers me.
I feel like I've been run over by a truck today. I got three immunizations yesterday at the doctor- 3rd HPV (FINALLY), Seasonal Flu and H1N1, which is a live virus. I bet you anything I've got a small taste of it and that's what's got me feeling so crummy. I've got the chills and a sore throat and a bit of an aching body. Then again, the aching body might be me bumping into things and having needle poked arms. They're still sore from yesterday.
In addition to boosting my immunity to a bunch of stuff I could potentially get, the doctor heard a mid-systolic click when listening to my heart yesterday. I've never had heart problems. Today I went in for lab work and had to fast 12 hours while they check my cholesterol. My dad kept covering my eyes when they were about to stick in the needle. not helpful. I put on music and let it happen, but apparently I need to stop being scared, according to dad. "It's all in your head," he said. Well duh. That's why it's a phobia. They're irrational fears. I'm already embarassed that I act like a five year old every time the word "shot" comes up.
I might have to go in next week sometime to get another lab test done, this time on my thyroid gland. Most likely, I have a heart disease called mitral valve prolapse, which is when you have excessive tissue in the Mitral valve, which weakens the leaflets preventing backflow. It shouldn't be a big deal...if it's even what I have.
Still I am unsettled to think of myself as "not healthy." I have always been healthy. I take care of my body, minus the not sleeping the last month or so. I don't put harmful substances in my body, I don't make continual poor choices in my diet...I don't understand why this is happening to me, and at the age of 20. I am only two decades old! My body and I have always been a team- the mind, the body, the spirit, all together. A mix of old, young and somewhere in the middle. And now I feel like I'm working against myself. It makes me uncomfortable.
If it's mild, it shouldn't be a big deal. There isn't even treatment. It's just something that is. However, I hate to think that years down the line this is what's going to bring me down at an earlier age.
I want answers now. I don't want to wait two weeks for a cardiogram echo. I just want to figure things out.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Where the road leads.
I have never been happier that things happen for a reason.
All the confusion, heartache, pain, joy, surprise, suspense...it all leads somewhere, and that leads somewhere else, and that leads somewhere else....
And I know that if the things that are happening to me now aren't permanent, I will be alright too. There isn't anything too strong to knock me over for long. I do not go down for the count.
All the confusion, heartache, pain, joy, surprise, suspense...it all leads somewhere, and that leads somewhere else, and that leads somewhere else....
And I know that if the things that are happening to me now aren't permanent, I will be alright too. There isn't anything too strong to knock me over for long. I do not go down for the count.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
A Little Sufjan to Brighten Your Day
Thought I'd share a piece of concert magic with you. It became a sing along of epic proportions. It was such an intimate show- enjoy
This is not my video. Someone else at the concert uploaded it. But this is at the 400 Bar in Minneapolis, the same night.
This is not my video. Someone else at the concert uploaded it. But this is at the 400 Bar in Minneapolis, the same night.
Monday, September 14, 2009
It's Never The Way We Plan It. Understatement of the Year.
Wow. I can't even...yeah.
I knew my job would be hard. I understood that sometimes things happen and I was nervous. I came, I made friends, I went through training. I relaxed. I kind of forgot what I was here for.
I am way too hard on myself, I told them that in my interview. I have always been a perfectionist. But I really feel like I haven't done much right, even though I know I have. Or, I've taken half the steps there, but not all. And I'm mad at myself. And I want to think I was doing the right thing.
The other RAs told me, "you'll screw up. You'll make mistakes on the job." And I knew I probably would. I don't like feeling like I'm still shooting in the dark.
I'm exhausted and scared and want to be the person they expect me to be. I want to live to their expectations as a leader.
I went with a resident to detox and had a resident sexually assaulted in two days time. I cried about the latter today. I couldn't take it anymore, I was just crying for her. It's been a long, long weekend.
I knew my job would be hard. I understood that sometimes things happen and I was nervous. I came, I made friends, I went through training. I relaxed. I kind of forgot what I was here for.
I am way too hard on myself, I told them that in my interview. I have always been a perfectionist. But I really feel like I haven't done much right, even though I know I have. Or, I've taken half the steps there, but not all. And I'm mad at myself. And I want to think I was doing the right thing.
The other RAs told me, "you'll screw up. You'll make mistakes on the job." And I knew I probably would. I don't like feeling like I'm still shooting in the dark.
I'm exhausted and scared and want to be the person they expect me to be. I want to live to their expectations as a leader.
I went with a resident to detox and had a resident sexually assaulted in two days time. I cried about the latter today. I couldn't take it anymore, I was just crying for her. It's been a long, long weekend.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Two Roads Diverged In a Yellow Wood
and sorry I could not travel both...
School is quickly approaching and I cannot decide if I'm happy or not to go back. Mostly, I feel like I'm not. And that bothers me. I was SO happy there. I didn't want to come back to Stoughton. I didn't want to be with these friends here. And here I am, several months later pondering the same things.
I cannot decide whether or not to leave the music department.
I need to just write this all out. I have not yet found a person to spew this at, so why not just put it all over the web, shall we?
First off, I feel like there's a ton of pressure, both time wise and money wise. I have a scholarship from high school that I worked SO hard to get that says I need to stay an education major. So that's that. I am constantly told that it is not a waste of time and money to switch, that all education is valuable. But honestly, for as much as we talk about money and graduating in 4 years and all that, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
I think about having music only as a hobby, something I do outside of work and not every day...every once in awhile. And it's unfathomable.
But I hate my major. I hate it. Every morning I wake up hating it. Hating theory class, hating piano, hating practicing, hating being forced to go to concerts rather than on my own will, hating having NO free time. And I think, "ok, why? Is it because you're not a genius at it? Not the best anymore? That you actually have to work hard now?" Nothing we feel is perfect...but the only music class I enjoyed last semester was WOCO.
When we were in Soweto, we performed at the University of Johannesburg. And right away, from the first song, I cried. Not little tears but the big, gigantic river of tears. I sat there realizing that I couldn't do this anymore. And that should be the end of it.
But I fought it. I've been fighting it.
And I have no idea. I have two very, very different paths in front of me. One is...normal, you know? A job in education. Teaching high school choir. Making music every day with people old enough to understand and appreciate it.
And then there's another one that is a LOT less clear. It involves me going back to Africa, that's for sure. And doing work there- humanitarian work, I think. Something. I don't have a picture yet...only a really blurry, vague one. And I can't tell if I would really enjoy it or if I'm just imagining I would. And I am scared shitless because the world is waiting. So what am I doing? Why can't I decide?
Lord help me. I have been praying for an answer. And I feel like I'm really needing one.
School is quickly approaching and I cannot decide if I'm happy or not to go back. Mostly, I feel like I'm not. And that bothers me. I was SO happy there. I didn't want to come back to Stoughton. I didn't want to be with these friends here. And here I am, several months later pondering the same things.
I cannot decide whether or not to leave the music department.
I need to just write this all out. I have not yet found a person to spew this at, so why not just put it all over the web, shall we?
First off, I feel like there's a ton of pressure, both time wise and money wise. I have a scholarship from high school that I worked SO hard to get that says I need to stay an education major. So that's that. I am constantly told that it is not a waste of time and money to switch, that all education is valuable. But honestly, for as much as we talk about money and graduating in 4 years and all that, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
I think about having music only as a hobby, something I do outside of work and not every day...every once in awhile. And it's unfathomable.
But I hate my major. I hate it. Every morning I wake up hating it. Hating theory class, hating piano, hating practicing, hating being forced to go to concerts rather than on my own will, hating having NO free time. And I think, "ok, why? Is it because you're not a genius at it? Not the best anymore? That you actually have to work hard now?" Nothing we feel is perfect...but the only music class I enjoyed last semester was WOCO.
When we were in Soweto, we performed at the University of Johannesburg. And right away, from the first song, I cried. Not little tears but the big, gigantic river of tears. I sat there realizing that I couldn't do this anymore. And that should be the end of it.
But I fought it. I've been fighting it.
And I have no idea. I have two very, very different paths in front of me. One is...normal, you know? A job in education. Teaching high school choir. Making music every day with people old enough to understand and appreciate it.
And then there's another one that is a LOT less clear. It involves me going back to Africa, that's for sure. And doing work there- humanitarian work, I think. Something. I don't have a picture yet...only a really blurry, vague one. And I can't tell if I would really enjoy it or if I'm just imagining I would. And I am scared shitless because the world is waiting. So what am I doing? Why can't I decide?
Lord help me. I have been praying for an answer. And I feel like I'm really needing one.
Monday, July 6, 2009
I Hate Disclaimers
It's been awhile since I've stepped up on my soap box, but I need to say a few words. It's something that's been bothering me for a couple days, and I think saying this out in the open will make me feel a bit better.
Upon observation, I think I'm giving people the impression that I am critical and judgmental of my friends, and the choices they make. It makes me sad to hear,
"I was afraid to tell you because I thought you'd be mad/disappointed."
I can understand why some of my friends that I made earlier in our high school years would feel this way. There was a time, when I had less clarity, that I would get mad about the things my friends did. I was upset that they were doing things I wasn't, I wanted to fit in, and I didn't know how else to express it but with anger. I didn't want to accept it. But I have long since come to terms with that. I realized that I couldn't make people choose the same thing as me. Since then, I had hoped to make people see that I was comfortable with their decisions. However, since this same old song and dance of "let's not tell Lauren" has carried into college, I feel like I need to say this:
Yeah, it's true that I don't drink. It's a personal decision that has proved to work for me and my lifestyle thus far. But it's not a big deal, I can still have fun and so can you. I like to hang out with you, whether you're drinking or not. You don't need to act awkward around me because I'm not drinking, you don't need to ask if I'm ok or having fun. Just treat me like you treat everyone else around. I don't know how else to tell you- I don't look down on anyone for making different choices. Our lives are our own, and we should make our own decisions. I'll worry about me, you worry about you.
The other day I was told, "you brought this on yourself." Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But I feel like this is such a minuscule thing. My choice regarding alcohol isn't the core of my personality- there's so much more to me than that.
Ok, I'm done.
Upon observation, I think I'm giving people the impression that I am critical and judgmental of my friends, and the choices they make. It makes me sad to hear,
"I was afraid to tell you because I thought you'd be mad/disappointed."
I can understand why some of my friends that I made earlier in our high school years would feel this way. There was a time, when I had less clarity, that I would get mad about the things my friends did. I was upset that they were doing things I wasn't, I wanted to fit in, and I didn't know how else to express it but with anger. I didn't want to accept it. But I have long since come to terms with that. I realized that I couldn't make people choose the same thing as me. Since then, I had hoped to make people see that I was comfortable with their decisions. However, since this same old song and dance of "let's not tell Lauren" has carried into college, I feel like I need to say this:
Yeah, it's true that I don't drink. It's a personal decision that has proved to work for me and my lifestyle thus far. But it's not a big deal, I can still have fun and so can you. I like to hang out with you, whether you're drinking or not. You don't need to act awkward around me because I'm not drinking, you don't need to ask if I'm ok or having fun. Just treat me like you treat everyone else around. I don't know how else to tell you- I don't look down on anyone for making different choices. Our lives are our own, and we should make our own decisions. I'll worry about me, you worry about you.
The other day I was told, "you brought this on yourself." Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But I feel like this is such a minuscule thing. My choice regarding alcohol isn't the core of my personality- there's so much more to me than that.
Ok, I'm done.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Before You Hear It Throught the Grape Vine
you should probably get it form the source.
My childhood companion and consolation, my 13 year old dog Riley, died sometime in the night. I am so sad to loose him. Every day, I feel a bit older and wiser, but never have I felt so old and worn.
When our old dog Spencer died when I was 5, my dad was very sad. It was, up until last year, the only time I'd ever seen him cry. We got Riley as a puppy the summer after Spencer died. Spencer had been an old dog as long as I'd known him. I held Riley before his eyes had even opened. I whispered to him that I couldn't wait for him to open his eyes and see me. He scratched me as a newborn, and our rough start began.
He chewed up my dolls. He knocked me over in the backyard. He ate my mittens. He pooped in the house when he was a puppy (and as an old man) but I loved him, so so much. He was so naughty. He'd run away and roll in dead animals, swim in the Yahara River and get stuck. I'd cry every time I thought dad was going to give him away.
I have known for years how difficult this would be when he died. I had no idea.
I miss him so much.
My childhood companion and consolation, my 13 year old dog Riley, died sometime in the night. I am so sad to loose him. Every day, I feel a bit older and wiser, but never have I felt so old and worn.
When our old dog Spencer died when I was 5, my dad was very sad. It was, up until last year, the only time I'd ever seen him cry. We got Riley as a puppy the summer after Spencer died. Spencer had been an old dog as long as I'd known him. I held Riley before his eyes had even opened. I whispered to him that I couldn't wait for him to open his eyes and see me. He scratched me as a newborn, and our rough start began.
He chewed up my dolls. He knocked me over in the backyard. He ate my mittens. He pooped in the house when he was a puppy (and as an old man) but I loved him, so so much. He was so naughty. He'd run away and roll in dead animals, swim in the Yahara River and get stuck. I'd cry every time I thought dad was going to give him away.
I have known for years how difficult this would be when he died. I had no idea.
I miss him so much.
Friday, June 26, 2009
To See the Beauty in the World Through My Own Eyes
Unlike last summer, I find myself short of things to post here. Perhaps it is because I'm lacking an audience? ;)
Last summer I knew of a few readers that I kept updated through this blog that have since disappeared. And without being in the fair, white North (as Mr. Schneider calls UWEC) I doubt I have my relatives & mother checking in all the time. They can just ask me how I'm doing in person. Which is really great. I see at least some part of my extended family every two weeks or so. Tonight we'll be going to the annual Brewer Game with the Gerners, Posers and Dybs. It's fantastic to be this close to my family. (Author's Note: At the game last night Ann informed me that she just read this yesterday. So, I do still have readers. Ha!)
We just got back from camping about an hour or so ago. Although, it was pretty wimpy camping. We stayed in the pop-up (for Pat's convienience) and were less than five minutes away from any "polite society" (in other words, a shopping mall. I got myself my very first pair of running shoes and am so excited to be joining the great number of runners on my mom's side of the family. Hopefully they'll wait for me when I start lagging behind!)
It's been uncharacteristically hot the last few days here. I've felt like my skin is going to melt off my body (and imagine, I want so badly to go back to Africa...) So among the beach searching and kayaking we did, we stopped for a nice ice cream treat at the place we used to vacation every year for CFV. When we left after 2002, I was so, so sad to be finding someplace else. Now we've been at Sandy Bay Shores for 5 years (this year will be the sixth) and we're outgrowing our space. So we did a little checking in on the space we left behind when I was twelve.
It was much smaller than I remembered it to be. The lawn that held us so many years ago could never do so now. I kept saying, between ice cream cone licks, "How did we fit here?!" (with a family of 33, it's hard to imagine. the last time we were there, there were only 30 of us...ha!)
It amazed me how much the Rivers Edge made me think of DP. The second I looked to the far end of the cabins we stayed in, I almost expected to see her there with a book and her camera. Another blow to remember that she's no longer with us. She wasn't much with us in person at Sandy Bay Shores, so I understand why Rivers Edge embodies her more. It was one of the last places I saw her in consistently good health.
Even though she left us over a year ago, I do not feel bad for still missing her this much. This blog is a place of comfort for me, where I can talk about it as freely as I want. (Not that I can't say it to my family, but it would be done so with someone's tears, I am sure. And it's just awkward for my friends that never knew her) I write a lot about her here, and I am glad for it. I believe she would approve of indulging in reflection. :)
I'm starting to be less hard on myself, I think. Sometimes it's difficult to tell when that's appropriate. But I should let myself feel the way I feel without guilt. Feelings are natural. It is when they turn to action that we must be cautious.
So what else is new? I'm spending my time engulfed in the works of Shakespeare and Austen. I've given myself the goal of reading all of Jane Austen's novels this summer and have (almost) conquered 2 with 4 remaining. Guildenstern and I are becoming quite friendly as I find myself adopting the selfish, backstabbing ways of a conartist. We're performing in July. The line, "Denmark is a prison" has never been more true as we are setting it in a modern maximum security prison. And, 3 weeks form opening, I still have no clue why I'm in prison. Did I blow up a building, do some hard drugs, or embezzle money? I can't decide. It's difficult, getting so in touch with a dark side of myself I don't know. There's a beast in all of us. I haven't seen mine in a very long time, and I can't say I'm ready to make my scenes that real. But anything else is cheating.
The mind wanders.
Peace & Love,
Lauren
Last summer I knew of a few readers that I kept updated through this blog that have since disappeared. And without being in the fair, white North (as Mr. Schneider calls UWEC) I doubt I have my relatives & mother checking in all the time. They can just ask me how I'm doing in person. Which is really great. I see at least some part of my extended family every two weeks or so. Tonight we'll be going to the annual Brewer Game with the Gerners, Posers and Dybs. It's fantastic to be this close to my family. (Author's Note: At the game last night Ann informed me that she just read this yesterday. So, I do still have readers. Ha!)
We just got back from camping about an hour or so ago. Although, it was pretty wimpy camping. We stayed in the pop-up (for Pat's convienience) and were less than five minutes away from any "polite society" (in other words, a shopping mall. I got myself my very first pair of running shoes and am so excited to be joining the great number of runners on my mom's side of the family. Hopefully they'll wait for me when I start lagging behind!)
It's been uncharacteristically hot the last few days here. I've felt like my skin is going to melt off my body (and imagine, I want so badly to go back to Africa...) So among the beach searching and kayaking we did, we stopped for a nice ice cream treat at the place we used to vacation every year for CFV. When we left after 2002, I was so, so sad to be finding someplace else. Now we've been at Sandy Bay Shores for 5 years (this year will be the sixth) and we're outgrowing our space. So we did a little checking in on the space we left behind when I was twelve.
It was much smaller than I remembered it to be. The lawn that held us so many years ago could never do so now. I kept saying, between ice cream cone licks, "How did we fit here?!" (with a family of 33, it's hard to imagine. the last time we were there, there were only 30 of us...ha!)
It amazed me how much the Rivers Edge made me think of DP. The second I looked to the far end of the cabins we stayed in, I almost expected to see her there with a book and her camera. Another blow to remember that she's no longer with us. She wasn't much with us in person at Sandy Bay Shores, so I understand why Rivers Edge embodies her more. It was one of the last places I saw her in consistently good health.
Even though she left us over a year ago, I do not feel bad for still missing her this much. This blog is a place of comfort for me, where I can talk about it as freely as I want. (Not that I can't say it to my family, but it would be done so with someone's tears, I am sure. And it's just awkward for my friends that never knew her) I write a lot about her here, and I am glad for it. I believe she would approve of indulging in reflection. :)
I'm starting to be less hard on myself, I think. Sometimes it's difficult to tell when that's appropriate. But I should let myself feel the way I feel without guilt. Feelings are natural. It is when they turn to action that we must be cautious.
So what else is new? I'm spending my time engulfed in the works of Shakespeare and Austen. I've given myself the goal of reading all of Jane Austen's novels this summer and have (almost) conquered 2 with 4 remaining. Guildenstern and I are becoming quite friendly as I find myself adopting the selfish, backstabbing ways of a conartist. We're performing in July. The line, "Denmark is a prison" has never been more true as we are setting it in a modern maximum security prison. And, 3 weeks form opening, I still have no clue why I'm in prison. Did I blow up a building, do some hard drugs, or embezzle money? I can't decide. It's difficult, getting so in touch with a dark side of myself I don't know. There's a beast in all of us. I haven't seen mine in a very long time, and I can't say I'm ready to make my scenes that real. But anything else is cheating.
The mind wanders.
Peace & Love,
Lauren
Friday, June 12, 2009
Process of Thought
I wish I could observe my true nature from afar, rather than guess at what I know about myself verses what I'd hope to believe.
Thinking back to DP's failing health last spring, my family was doing a lot of hurting. And rather than turning in for support, I turned out to find someone outside of the situation. My outburst was rejected and my lesson was learned. Family is the greatest source of strength I have- when friends fail. The bonds of love and commitment are much stronger in my family than in any friendships I have, even those I judged to be the strongest.
So again I find myself at a breaking point, at a family problem that we seem to be unable to solve. And I have the insane desire to turn out, to talk to whoever I can about this. But this all feels like a cry for attention, a "oh, pity me and my messed up situation!" And I can't judge if it is or not. I'm not sure if I'm being honest for the sake of honesty, or hoping someone somewhere will read this and be able to fix things. Because I know that the latter won't be happening.
The place I should be turning is up, yet I never find as much time for God as I should. How silly I am that I type all this melancholy up just to realize that at the end of it.
-God Bless-
Thinking back to DP's failing health last spring, my family was doing a lot of hurting. And rather than turning in for support, I turned out to find someone outside of the situation. My outburst was rejected and my lesson was learned. Family is the greatest source of strength I have- when friends fail. The bonds of love and commitment are much stronger in my family than in any friendships I have, even those I judged to be the strongest.
So again I find myself at a breaking point, at a family problem that we seem to be unable to solve. And I have the insane desire to turn out, to talk to whoever I can about this. But this all feels like a cry for attention, a "oh, pity me and my messed up situation!" And I can't judge if it is or not. I'm not sure if I'm being honest for the sake of honesty, or hoping someone somewhere will read this and be able to fix things. Because I know that the latter won't be happening.
The place I should be turning is up, yet I never find as much time for God as I should. How silly I am that I type all this melancholy up just to realize that at the end of it.
-God Bless-
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Things I Did My Freshman Year of College
In review...
- Wrote Grade A papers the night before they were due
- Worked on both President Barack Obama and 93rd Assemblymen Jeff Smith's campaigns...and succeeded
-Kept my values
-Purchased Something Completely Ridiculous
-Lived well with an awesome randomly assigned Roomie & never fought once.
-Went Certifiably Nuts
-Recorded a demo
-Got hired as a Resident Assistant
-Painted Two Murals
- Done a Paid Gig, Open Mic and Karaoke on the Campus Mall 3 minutes before Math Class
- Found a new a capella group
- Found Paradise
- Saw the cutest guys ever (in Paradise!)
- Saw Elephants, Baboons AND Penguins having sex (in Paradise!)
- Went to a dance better than any High School Prom...twice! (The Viennese Ball)
- Made lasting friendships
- Found a better idea of who and what I want to be...
;)
- Wrote Grade A papers the night before they were due
- Worked on both President Barack Obama and 93rd Assemblymen Jeff Smith's campaigns...and succeeded
-Kept my values
-Purchased Something Completely Ridiculous
-Lived well with an awesome randomly assigned Roomie & never fought once.
-Went Certifiably Nuts
-Recorded a demo
-Got hired as a Resident Assistant
-Painted Two Murals
- Done a Paid Gig, Open Mic and Karaoke on the Campus Mall 3 minutes before Math Class
- Found a new a capella group
- Found Paradise
- Saw the cutest guys ever (in Paradise!)
- Saw Elephants, Baboons AND Penguins having sex (in Paradise!)
- Went to a dance better than any High School Prom...twice! (The Viennese Ball)
- Made lasting friendships
- Found a better idea of who and what I want to be...
;)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Nothing I Need to Say But Will Say Anyway
I think there is a reason that you cut off old ties after awhile. It's just not who I am anymore. I sat around tonight playing Apples to Apples with old friends, having a good time with everyone but myself. I continued talking, joke making doing and saying things I would have done a year ago. But that it is not who I am.
Shamelessly mentioning random things about South Africa just so, on some level of my consciousness, I want someone to ask me about it, so I can share it. So I can tell people how much it's changed me. But having no way to do it but randomly mentioning it. And it gives the appearance of not having appreciated the trip on any level but as a tourist. And it was so much more than that. I have to give my experiences, and God, more credit than that. I need to give myself, or who I am becoming, more credit. Because I really like that girl. She's smart, caring, strong, willful, wise(r) and even a little random (haha) And I feel like that girl, that woman, has a much better shot at making things work than the person I was. Because who I was is a stepping stone to who I am becoming.
But it's so easy to slip into who I was! It's like only my toes peek out at the end of the covers, but it's uncomfortable enough to know I need a new bed. A few years back, when auditioning for one of many musicals, I saw myself like Jo March- loud, obnoxious but incredibly determined. Now I'm starting to see more admirable qualities into the role I was put in, the role of Beth - caring, selfless, reasonable. A Quiet Riot (like one of my role models back at school)
However, I do feel like things are starting to come full circle in a very nice fashion. I've grown enough that I can handle things I couldn't before. I've gone through a ridiculous maze of emotions and come out the other side feeling the same ease and comfort I started with. And I really want to keep it that way. Some of the things I used to view as so wrong are turning out the be right (at least, I hope they are. They feel right, now that I'm older). My "clay" method is becoming more and more defined and fulfilling in my life. Today, as I was worrying myself away over a Hamlet audition I was offered at 10:53 pm last night, I turned (as I always do) to my bible to see what the man upstairs has to offer. And I turned to a random page, ended up concentrating on a verse that read, "Yet O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hands" (Isaiah 64:8) and it just solidified my earlier thinking. That things are put in my path by His design for only reason He knows.
And I think Him :)
I've been given so many chances at happiness. I am so, so lucky.
Peace & Love,
Lauren
Shamelessly mentioning random things about South Africa just so, on some level of my consciousness, I want someone to ask me about it, so I can share it. So I can tell people how much it's changed me. But having no way to do it but randomly mentioning it. And it gives the appearance of not having appreciated the trip on any level but as a tourist. And it was so much more than that. I have to give my experiences, and God, more credit than that. I need to give myself, or who I am becoming, more credit. Because I really like that girl. She's smart, caring, strong, willful, wise(r) and even a little random (haha) And I feel like that girl, that woman, has a much better shot at making things work than the person I was. Because who I was is a stepping stone to who I am becoming.
But it's so easy to slip into who I was! It's like only my toes peek out at the end of the covers, but it's uncomfortable enough to know I need a new bed. A few years back, when auditioning for one of many musicals, I saw myself like Jo March- loud, obnoxious but incredibly determined. Now I'm starting to see more admirable qualities into the role I was put in, the role of Beth - caring, selfless, reasonable. A Quiet Riot (like one of my role models back at school)
However, I do feel like things are starting to come full circle in a very nice fashion. I've grown enough that I can handle things I couldn't before. I've gone through a ridiculous maze of emotions and come out the other side feeling the same ease and comfort I started with. And I really want to keep it that way. Some of the things I used to view as so wrong are turning out the be right (at least, I hope they are. They feel right, now that I'm older). My "clay" method is becoming more and more defined and fulfilling in my life. Today, as I was worrying myself away over a Hamlet audition I was offered at 10:53 pm last night, I turned (as I always do) to my bible to see what the man upstairs has to offer. And I turned to a random page, ended up concentrating on a verse that read, "Yet O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hands" (Isaiah 64:8) and it just solidified my earlier thinking. That things are put in my path by His design for only reason He knows.
And I think Him :)
I've been given so many chances at happiness. I am so, so lucky.
Peace & Love,
Lauren
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Home
So I'm back in my hometown (where memories are fresh) <-- too much Adele
and things are weird, as I imagined them to be.
Time goes so much faster with nothing to do at home than it does at school. It's already Memorial Day weekend, and this weekend felt like AGES after Syttende Mai weekend. And that was a blink of an eye ago.
This week has been a huge up and down of emotions. Funeral, awesome concert in Chicago (GO CHECK OUT MAE at www.whatismae.com NOW!) Bike ride that makes my muscles ache, lots of lifeguarding...yeah. I feel out of place.
I'm not quite a stranger, not quite a member. How odd.
Is this what a quarter life crisis feels like? I've been having a hard couple of days dwelling on the prospects of the afterlife. As Jesse Lacey rights, "Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after." That about sums it up and I am really done being alone inside my head freaking out about it.
Because it's been on my mind most of the time the last few days. Talk about wasting time with things you can't control.
What's more of a waste of time? Thinking about that, or not thinking about it? Oy.
My relatives are on the way as a pit stop to our final destination for my cousin's grad party tomorrow. Lots of cleaning. Oy again.
and things are weird, as I imagined them to be.
Time goes so much faster with nothing to do at home than it does at school. It's already Memorial Day weekend, and this weekend felt like AGES after Syttende Mai weekend. And that was a blink of an eye ago.
This week has been a huge up and down of emotions. Funeral, awesome concert in Chicago (GO CHECK OUT MAE at www.whatismae.com NOW!) Bike ride that makes my muscles ache, lots of lifeguarding...yeah. I feel out of place.
I'm not quite a stranger, not quite a member. How odd.
Is this what a quarter life crisis feels like? I've been having a hard couple of days dwelling on the prospects of the afterlife. As Jesse Lacey rights, "Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after." That about sums it up and I am really done being alone inside my head freaking out about it.
Because it's been on my mind most of the time the last few days. Talk about wasting time with things you can't control.
What's more of a waste of time? Thinking about that, or not thinking about it? Oy.
My relatives are on the way as a pit stop to our final destination for my cousin's grad party tomorrow. Lots of cleaning. Oy again.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Suddenly I See (This is Who I Want to Be)
I'm about to go to bed. I was doing the "what can I check online to procrastinate sleeping?" (because I'm tired but not) when I realized I haven't been here in quite some time.
I haven't written in my journal in an even longer time- since I came back from Africa.
I suppose that's a testament to how busy I have been, between 15 page papers, Environmental projects for Earth Algebra, watching all 240 episodes of Friends in a year and general music major stuff.
Today was the last Monday of my Freshman year of college. What an amazing, whirlwind year it's been. I understand so, so much now. There are things one can't fathom until they get here. I remember someone talking about having a hard time being outgoing in college, that they really had to muster up courage to ask a stranger, "do you mind if I sit at this table?" And I thought, "That won't be me. I won't ever need to do that."
And then I was here, and I was the shyest I've ever been (save for summer camp at age 13, perhaps?)in my life. It took me an entire semester to show the music department who I was, and now I have friends, an a capella ensemble, a small act in Cabaret next winter, a spot in both Concert Choir and Chamber Choir and respect.
But those are small things in comparison to the rest.
My trip to Africa was, at this moment, the greatest and most fulfilling experience of my life. I learned so much about God, the world, and myself when I was there. I felt like I was the best person I've ever been when I was there. Like the people I met and the places I saw made me open myself more, made me want to give more. The feeling is settling, I'm becoming comfortable in Wisconsin again, and it's frightening me. I don't want it this way. I need to feel the fire again, that itching at the tip of my fingers.
I can honestly say I know myself better now, and I like who I'm becoming. I add the "ing" because I'm not there yet. I have no idea who He wants me to be, but I keep hoping it works.
I have some really fantastic friends. We sat down the other day and planned our summers. We are meeting up this summer at each other's houses once. Kayla's in June (to visit the Waterpark she works at) Caitlin's for Summerfest for July, My house for camping and Shauna's for "hick-ish debauchery" in August. Along with CFV, those weekends are the highlights of my summer.
I re-wrote the ending to my song "Enough" the other day, and it felt great. I sang it as a "small act" for the Audacious concert (female A-Capella, my own piece of Divine at UWEC) and felt the need to change it. While the ever changing words have reflected the journey I've gone through as a person, they needed to make one final shift. And I think they'll stay as they are.
(Ann, I'm sure you're reading this, so I'll jog you're memory. It's the sad one I sang at the end of my recital last July)
The end, before talked about forgiveness, patience and continuing love.
("This can't be the end, there's so much left to say that I can't ignore. Just show me who you are and you'll always be enough for me, so now, though I don't want to be, I'm always by your side if you need me, love")
And while these are good qualities, they don't reflect what the song means to me anymore. It needed to be about the strength I have developed as a person. It makes me think of DP.
The ending, with no hard feelings meant, now goes like this:
This can be the end, there's nothing left to say that I can't ignore
You can't help what doesn't fit, and I have had enough of you and me
So now I'm where I want to be, I don't need you by my side to feel loved.
Ain't it the truth? :)
(FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Celia, my French roomie-to-be; Caitlin, Shauna, Kayla and Me (with a Djembe that I played!)
I haven't written in my journal in an even longer time- since I came back from Africa.
I suppose that's a testament to how busy I have been, between 15 page papers, Environmental projects for Earth Algebra, watching all 240 episodes of Friends in a year and general music major stuff.
Today was the last Monday of my Freshman year of college. What an amazing, whirlwind year it's been. I understand so, so much now. There are things one can't fathom until they get here. I remember someone talking about having a hard time being outgoing in college, that they really had to muster up courage to ask a stranger, "do you mind if I sit at this table?" And I thought, "That won't be me. I won't ever need to do that."
And then I was here, and I was the shyest I've ever been (save for summer camp at age 13, perhaps?)in my life. It took me an entire semester to show the music department who I was, and now I have friends, an a capella ensemble, a small act in Cabaret next winter, a spot in both Concert Choir and Chamber Choir and respect.
But those are small things in comparison to the rest.
My trip to Africa was, at this moment, the greatest and most fulfilling experience of my life. I learned so much about God, the world, and myself when I was there. I felt like I was the best person I've ever been when I was there. Like the people I met and the places I saw made me open myself more, made me want to give more. The feeling is settling, I'm becoming comfortable in Wisconsin again, and it's frightening me. I don't want it this way. I need to feel the fire again, that itching at the tip of my fingers.
I can honestly say I know myself better now, and I like who I'm becoming. I add the "ing" because I'm not there yet. I have no idea who He wants me to be, but I keep hoping it works.
I have some really fantastic friends. We sat down the other day and planned our summers. We are meeting up this summer at each other's houses once. Kayla's in June (to visit the Waterpark she works at) Caitlin's for Summerfest for July, My house for camping and Shauna's for "hick-ish debauchery" in August. Along with CFV, those weekends are the highlights of my summer.
I re-wrote the ending to my song "Enough" the other day, and it felt great. I sang it as a "small act" for the Audacious concert (female A-Capella, my own piece of Divine at UWEC) and felt the need to change it. While the ever changing words have reflected the journey I've gone through as a person, they needed to make one final shift. And I think they'll stay as they are.
(Ann, I'm sure you're reading this, so I'll jog you're memory. It's the sad one I sang at the end of my recital last July)
The end, before talked about forgiveness, patience and continuing love.
("This can't be the end, there's so much left to say that I can't ignore. Just show me who you are and you'll always be enough for me, so now, though I don't want to be, I'm always by your side if you need me, love")
And while these are good qualities, they don't reflect what the song means to me anymore. It needed to be about the strength I have developed as a person. It makes me think of DP.
The ending, with no hard feelings meant, now goes like this:
This can be the end, there's nothing left to say that I can't ignore
You can't help what doesn't fit, and I have had enough of you and me
So now I'm where I want to be, I don't need you by my side to feel loved.
Ain't it the truth? :)
(FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Celia, my French roomie-to-be; Caitlin, Shauna, Kayla and Me (with a Djembe that I played!)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
All the tension and the terror
Oh a year ago.
Today is my half birthday. This day is special not because I am nineteen and a half, but because it was Diana that constantly encouraged me to celebrate it. I remember her telling me on CFV one time that when she went to get check ups at the doctor, she still calculated her age in half years.
I was reminded of that a year ago today, when I last saw her. We were chatting with her, she was proving her lucidity by impressively listing every one of our family member's birthday's and anniversaries. And I said, "oh! I forgot, it's my half birthday today."
she smiled and asked me if I celebrated quarters. I nodded. and she said, "how many times can you split it up?" And I answered, "every day."
I'm losing my mind these days, there's so much to do, I'm going through everything like a zombie. Since living in someone else's world for a little over a week, I've wanted nothing more but to go back and live so carefreely - who cares if you're a little late? "This is Africa" was the saying. Relax. take it easy.
I don't want to stop celebrating every single day of life. She did. I miss her, so much. Every day. And I ache to think that it was a year ago today that I had to leave da woods knowing I'd never see her again in this life.
But she has given me new life, or new purpose in life. She has given me so much strength as a woman and as an individual. And now, a year later, I feel so much stronger from the gifts that she gave me. She would be proud, I think. I don't know if I ever told her how much I appreciated and looked up to her the 18 years I knew her. I hope she knows now. I feel her, everywhere I go. She is in everything, smiling down on me. I know she is a part of this great world, this great vision of love. And I am so thankful she found it.
I've been meditating lately on her last few words, and I remembered Kevin telling us this one - "wow."
I don't think any of us can say what it was she was referring to, but I think I have an idea.
Today is my half birthday. This day is special not because I am nineteen and a half, but because it was Diana that constantly encouraged me to celebrate it. I remember her telling me on CFV one time that when she went to get check ups at the doctor, she still calculated her age in half years.
I was reminded of that a year ago today, when I last saw her. We were chatting with her, she was proving her lucidity by impressively listing every one of our family member's birthday's and anniversaries. And I said, "oh! I forgot, it's my half birthday today."
she smiled and asked me if I celebrated quarters. I nodded. and she said, "how many times can you split it up?" And I answered, "every day."
I'm losing my mind these days, there's so much to do, I'm going through everything like a zombie. Since living in someone else's world for a little over a week, I've wanted nothing more but to go back and live so carefreely - who cares if you're a little late? "This is Africa" was the saying. Relax. take it easy.
I don't want to stop celebrating every single day of life. She did. I miss her, so much. Every day. And I ache to think that it was a year ago today that I had to leave da woods knowing I'd never see her again in this life.
But she has given me new life, or new purpose in life. She has given me so much strength as a woman and as an individual. And now, a year later, I feel so much stronger from the gifts that she gave me. She would be proud, I think. I don't know if I ever told her how much I appreciated and looked up to her the 18 years I knew her. I hope she knows now. I feel her, everywhere I go. She is in everything, smiling down on me. I know she is a part of this great world, this great vision of love. And I am so thankful she found it.
I've been meditating lately on her last few words, and I remembered Kevin telling us this one - "wow."
I don't think any of us can say what it was she was referring to, but I think I have an idea.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
A Predicament
As I practically beg for time to start running so that I can have summer, I've made a realization:
I like "College Lauren" better than "At Home in Stougton Lauren". And it's a bit of a strange thing. I don't want to go back and be the same person in order to fit the mold of a familiar friendship. I want to stay friends with those people, but I want to be the same person I am here. I don't want to divert back to who I was in high school. I've changed so much here.
And although I'm not going to give up on my friendships from high school, I'm not going to be so incredibly hurt if things fall apart...or so I tell myself now.
I don't want the things that controlled my life for so long to control it anymore.
So, I'm excited for summer, excited to go home, excited to see people, and hopefully I won't be shoved back into being who I was a year ago. I've seen it happen before - I've seen college students come home different, and then gradually, in hanging out with their old friends, start acting the exact same way. And sometimes they don't notice it, and sometimes it's definite acting.
And I would really not like to be either of those, thank you very much.
I like "College Lauren" better than "At Home in Stougton Lauren". And it's a bit of a strange thing. I don't want to go back and be the same person in order to fit the mold of a familiar friendship. I want to stay friends with those people, but I want to be the same person I am here. I don't want to divert back to who I was in high school. I've changed so much here.
And although I'm not going to give up on my friendships from high school, I'm not going to be so incredibly hurt if things fall apart...or so I tell myself now.
I don't want the things that controlled my life for so long to control it anymore.
So, I'm excited for summer, excited to go home, excited to see people, and hopefully I won't be shoved back into being who I was a year ago. I've seen it happen before - I've seen college students come home different, and then gradually, in hanging out with their old friends, start acting the exact same way. And sometimes they don't notice it, and sometimes it's definite acting.
And I would really not like to be either of those, thank you very much.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Greetings from Joburg!
So, it's 9:17pm here, and I'm using what little internet time I've got to keep everyone at home posted.
Tonight is my night to blog on the WOCO blog, but I completely forgot the username and don't know who has that information at the moment. So, lucky I've got my own blog, I guess.
I'll try to be brief, since I only have 9 minutes left before this thing kicks me off :)
This trip has changed me in so many ways. I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity. I think you find out a lot about yourself when you step out of your comfort zone. And this trip has definitely been that. I've tried a variety of things I've never eaten before (including mussles, squid, ostrich and as of today, crocodile) and I've learned a ton about the many different cultures here.
They aren't kidding when they call this the Rainbow Nation. There is so much variety here - they have 11 different official languages. I can speak one of them (English) understand bits and pieces of another (Afrikaans)and enjoy sitting back and listening to the others. I feel like my eyes have been opened to so much more in the past few days than they were from years of living in my own country.
So, today's agenda:
We got up at 4:45 (ugh) to a stormy sky for a morning safari. The thunder last night was so loud! It sounded like the sky would rip in two. I got up and went to the door and listened to the animals outside. The frogs were making music.
It rained on our safari and most of us got wet. The seats were pretty soaked, and so were our butts :)
But we did see Giraffes today, among other things. It basically completed everything I wanted to see. (I'll give you a full list when I have more time!) Some girls were lucky enough to see two male Lions snacking on a Wildebeast, but I was not one of them.
Luckily, the weather cleared up. We were treated to an awesome breakfast after the Safari, and then we headed out. We drove about 1 1/2 hours to a cultural village called Lesidi (which means light) They had walk through villages of the Zulu, Bashoto, Xhosa and Pedi tribes. Everyone was in authentic clothes and we were taught several phrases for each language. After walking through, we watched a number of traditional dances done by the people there. During the Zulu dance, they all kicked so high that they touched their foreheads. Wowza.
We were given plenty of shopping time, and then we were driven to Petoria for a quick photo op at the spot where Nelson Mandela was was inaugerated. Amazing.
Since then, we've had time at our hotel. It's a nice way to relax after a long couple of days. Tomorrow we visit the Soweto district (South Western Townships) of Johannesburg. It should be really eye opening.
Love to all!
Lauren
Tonight is my night to blog on the WOCO blog, but I completely forgot the username and don't know who has that information at the moment. So, lucky I've got my own blog, I guess.
I'll try to be brief, since I only have 9 minutes left before this thing kicks me off :)
This trip has changed me in so many ways. I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity. I think you find out a lot about yourself when you step out of your comfort zone. And this trip has definitely been that. I've tried a variety of things I've never eaten before (including mussles, squid, ostrich and as of today, crocodile) and I've learned a ton about the many different cultures here.
They aren't kidding when they call this the Rainbow Nation. There is so much variety here - they have 11 different official languages. I can speak one of them (English) understand bits and pieces of another (Afrikaans)and enjoy sitting back and listening to the others. I feel like my eyes have been opened to so much more in the past few days than they were from years of living in my own country.
So, today's agenda:
We got up at 4:45 (ugh) to a stormy sky for a morning safari. The thunder last night was so loud! It sounded like the sky would rip in two. I got up and went to the door and listened to the animals outside. The frogs were making music.
It rained on our safari and most of us got wet. The seats were pretty soaked, and so were our butts :)
But we did see Giraffes today, among other things. It basically completed everything I wanted to see. (I'll give you a full list when I have more time!) Some girls were lucky enough to see two male Lions snacking on a Wildebeast, but I was not one of them.
Luckily, the weather cleared up. We were treated to an awesome breakfast after the Safari, and then we headed out. We drove about 1 1/2 hours to a cultural village called Lesidi (which means light) They had walk through villages of the Zulu, Bashoto, Xhosa and Pedi tribes. Everyone was in authentic clothes and we were taught several phrases for each language. After walking through, we watched a number of traditional dances done by the people there. During the Zulu dance, they all kicked so high that they touched their foreheads. Wowza.
We were given plenty of shopping time, and then we were driven to Petoria for a quick photo op at the spot where Nelson Mandela was was inaugerated. Amazing.
Since then, we've had time at our hotel. It's a nice way to relax after a long couple of days. Tomorrow we visit the Soweto district (South Western Townships) of Johannesburg. It should be really eye opening.
Love to all!
Lauren
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Africa, Here I Come!
I will be leaving for Africa in 8 hours. HOLY CRAP.
I've got so much to think about, my head is going to explode. I cannot get out a single sentence that makes sense.
I'm listening to "Africa" by Toto. People keep asking me if I'm excited. I'm too nervous about flying to know. Some things don't change, I suppose.
If you want to follow the trip, the blog address of WOCO is
http://wocosouthafrica.blogspot.com/
I'll put it on the side toolbar. Hopefully I'll be able to write here too, but don't hold your breath... but I'll be posting on the WOCO blog for sure, at least twice. :)
Just to remind you, guess where I'll be by 9:30 tomorrow night?
I've got so much to think about, my head is going to explode. I cannot get out a single sentence that makes sense.
I'm listening to "Africa" by Toto. People keep asking me if I'm excited. I'm too nervous about flying to know. Some things don't change, I suppose.
If you want to follow the trip, the blog address of WOCO is
http://wocosouthafrica.blogspot.com/
I'll put it on the side toolbar. Hopefully I'll be able to write here too, but don't hold your breath... but I'll be posting on the WOCO blog for sure, at least twice. :)
Just to remind you, guess where I'll be by 9:30 tomorrow night?
Friday, March 6, 2009
A Year
Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.
Bernard Berenson
I realize I'm coming up on the "year" marker of this page. How strange. This page has been anything but constant in the almost year it's been around.
I began it with the hope of finding other people to share goals with. I'm glad that that project has been started with Lessons, but that left me wondering, "what is THIS page for?"
I have a journal that I write in for reflection or importance. So what is this? I've thought about shutting it down many times, especially throughout the summer. But when I left for school, my mom gave out the address to my family. And this is an easier way of keeping people updated when you've been blessed with such a large family :) It's unnerving though, sometimes, not knowing who exactly is reading this. There are people I would definitely prefer not to read this, but I suppose that's the risk you run putting your thoughts on the internet.
I ask myself though, why I felt the need to start this in the first place. I suppose I felt the need for growth and change when I started this page. Which was stupid of me, looking back. Self-induced growth is never for the right reasons, I think. It would be nice if you could look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Grow!" and it happened. I think if it did, my brother would be much bigger than he is. :P (He called me last night, by the way. He never calls, so it was really exciting that he wanted to talk to me. I miss him like crazy. There's no one like him around here)
Jokes aside, we're always growing. And it was an unfortunate decision of mine to try to stay "fixed" as I was my Senior year, because second semester I decided I had to catch up on growth and boom, here this page is. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit that this started for a stupid reason. I felt the need to be more mature and changed, since one of the most important people in my life told me I wasn't good enough.
And as I approach THAT year marker, I've had a lot to think about as well. It's amazing how much we change in a year, isn't it?
And yet how the same we feel...
As Jason Robert Brown so perfectly captures, one minute you think you've got everything, and in the next, you're a complete stranger to yourself.
I leave for Africa in 2 days. I don't think I will come back the same person.
A new world calls across the ocean....
Bernard Berenson
I realize I'm coming up on the "year" marker of this page. How strange. This page has been anything but constant in the almost year it's been around.
I began it with the hope of finding other people to share goals with. I'm glad that that project has been started with Lessons, but that left me wondering, "what is THIS page for?"
I have a journal that I write in for reflection or importance. So what is this? I've thought about shutting it down many times, especially throughout the summer. But when I left for school, my mom gave out the address to my family. And this is an easier way of keeping people updated when you've been blessed with such a large family :) It's unnerving though, sometimes, not knowing who exactly is reading this. There are people I would definitely prefer not to read this, but I suppose that's the risk you run putting your thoughts on the internet.
I ask myself though, why I felt the need to start this in the first place. I suppose I felt the need for growth and change when I started this page. Which was stupid of me, looking back. Self-induced growth is never for the right reasons, I think. It would be nice if you could look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Grow!" and it happened. I think if it did, my brother would be much bigger than he is. :P (He called me last night, by the way. He never calls, so it was really exciting that he wanted to talk to me. I miss him like crazy. There's no one like him around here)
Jokes aside, we're always growing. And it was an unfortunate decision of mine to try to stay "fixed" as I was my Senior year, because second semester I decided I had to catch up on growth and boom, here this page is. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit that this started for a stupid reason. I felt the need to be more mature and changed, since one of the most important people in my life told me I wasn't good enough.
And as I approach THAT year marker, I've had a lot to think about as well. It's amazing how much we change in a year, isn't it?
And yet how the same we feel...
As Jason Robert Brown so perfectly captures, one minute you think you've got everything, and in the next, you're a complete stranger to yourself.
I leave for Africa in 2 days. I don't think I will come back the same person.
A new world calls across the ocean....
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Results Are In
Sorry to keep you waiting Ann! I told my mom she could call you :)
To my most pleasant surprise, I am now officially 1 of 11 women working as an RA in the Towers North staff. I cannot begin to express my excitement, along with my nervousness.
I am excited that I succeeded, that the committee could see I would be good for the job, and that I no longer have to pay room & board. But it's so much more than that. It's a lot of responsibility and commitment, which I am ready for. I hope that I can be a positive role model for the girls living on my floor next year. I'll need to be ready to handle anything. I hope I can form a real connection with them, and help them with problems when needed. It's soooo different to think of myself as an RA. I'm 19 years old, and a sophomore (by status). Next year I'll be a sophomore/junior, but that's so different than having Lia, my current RA, around. She's been an RA for a couple years and she definitely knows what she's doing.
Hopefully after all my training and prep this summer, I'll know exactly what I'm doing.
I like knowing that I'm taking a more active part in my community in EC! :)
To my most pleasant surprise, I am now officially 1 of 11 women working as an RA in the Towers North staff. I cannot begin to express my excitement, along with my nervousness.
I am excited that I succeeded, that the committee could see I would be good for the job, and that I no longer have to pay room & board. But it's so much more than that. It's a lot of responsibility and commitment, which I am ready for. I hope that I can be a positive role model for the girls living on my floor next year. I'll need to be ready to handle anything. I hope I can form a real connection with them, and help them with problems when needed. It's soooo different to think of myself as an RA. I'm 19 years old, and a sophomore (by status). Next year I'll be a sophomore/junior, but that's so different than having Lia, my current RA, around. She's been an RA for a couple years and she definitely knows what she's doing.
Hopefully after all my training and prep this summer, I'll know exactly what I'm doing.
I like knowing that I'm taking a more active part in my community in EC! :)
Monday, March 2, 2009
Waiting for the Results
I wonder, how do people running for public office feel?
I have 4 hours to wait until I find out whether I have been hired as a resident assistant or not.
The letter is sitting in my mailbox back in the dorms, waiting for me. But I happen to have night class until 7:30, so the letter and I will not be aquainted until then.
I am trying to be calm about this. This is so different than any play I've ever auditioned for. This is not about glory, or lead roles or anything. It's about a role of leadership and responsibility. And whether I am cut out for it.
I have to believe that God has a plan, whatever way this goes. And it's not a blow to swiftly fleeting self esteem.
If they don't hire me, it's ok. Either way, I win. I'll be happy either way next year. There is a plan.
But man, it is ridiculously nerve-wrecking to sit here waiting. AAGH. So how was the election for you, President Obama?
heh.
Where did my readers go? Not that there were many to begin with, and I know my life's not so interesting. But, I don't hear much from you these days. I'd love to hear your stories. :)
With love,
Lauren
Chariot, give me your strength. ~ Gavin DeGraw
I have 4 hours to wait until I find out whether I have been hired as a resident assistant or not.
The letter is sitting in my mailbox back in the dorms, waiting for me. But I happen to have night class until 7:30, so the letter and I will not be aquainted until then.
I am trying to be calm about this. This is so different than any play I've ever auditioned for. This is not about glory, or lead roles or anything. It's about a role of leadership and responsibility. And whether I am cut out for it.
I have to believe that God has a plan, whatever way this goes. And it's not a blow to swiftly fleeting self esteem.
If they don't hire me, it's ok. Either way, I win. I'll be happy either way next year. There is a plan.
But man, it is ridiculously nerve-wrecking to sit here waiting. AAGH. So how was the election for you, President Obama?
heh.
Where did my readers go? Not that there were many to begin with, and I know my life's not so interesting. But, I don't hear much from you these days. I'd love to hear your stories. :)
With love,
Lauren
Chariot, give me your strength. ~ Gavin DeGraw
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I've Decided.
I've made my goals for Lent. And every lent, I start out saying, "This is going to be the best lent ever!" and even though it started with my professor calling me an "Ash head" in a derogatory manner, I won't let it ruin it. And although I keep my relationship with God to myself, I think that there is some interesting information I have received that can be shared with everyone.
Plus, if I'm calling this "Project, What I Want to Be" I might as well keep track of my goals. :)
So, basically my goals of Lent are:
- To follow the three basic guides of lent (Fasting, Prayer and Alms)
- Relentlessly following what I've given up. (Swearing two years in a row. I need to stop swearing in front of my mom...)
- Putting money in the swear jar when I do slip up, and donating it when Lent is over (it's a communal jar. Kayla already put $5 in, hahahaha)
- Concentrating on Jesus and not other people (This especially applies today, when I had to realize that it didn't matter how many people criticized me for the ashes I wore on my forehead. What I am in His eyes is the only thing that counts)
At mass today, Father George gave me a lovely little Lent Companion called "The Little Black Book". It's a Vademecum (or "Travel with me" in Latin) and is a book you carry around for Lent. It's full of scripture, history and ideas to concentrate on for the next few weeks. It's excellent. Part of the little black book is a "Lectio Divina" which is one of my favorite things EVER. It's basically a way to concentrate on scripture. I won't include that on the blog, but if you want to see it/know what it's based on, shoot me a comment and I'll hook you up :)
Here's some information I liked on Ash Wednesday:
The use of ashes as a sign of penitence and remorse is rooted in Jewish tradition and carried over into Christianity. In some early churches, those who had committed serious sin would present themselves to their bishop on Ash Wednesday and he sprinkled Ashes on their hair shirts. They would then wear the shirt for the rest of lent as a public display of penitence. The custom of Ashes on the forehead became custom in the 11th Century. The 12th century brought the practice of burning the Palm Sunday branches of the previous year to make the ash. After the Reformation in the 16th century, many protestant churches discontinued the practice. But in recent decades, some Lutheran, Presbyterian, Methodist and Episcopal churches have reinstated the tradition.
Fasting also comes from Jewish practice. Jewish Law required fasting on Yom Kippur. However, some public fasts were held in the face of disaster (Famine, etc.) Some Jewish people fasted more often in private- some every Tuesday and Thursday.
For Christians, fasting can be seen as a way to ask God for what is needed or to do penitence for sins. But most importantly, it is done as a form of prayer. It helps us experience 1) our hunger for God 2) Our dependence on God (Food, like everything else, comes from Him) 3) Our weakness and frailty and 4) Our willingness to change some patterns in our life.
I think this will help make for a good lent. A better lent than last year. Last year, Suffering had an entirely different meaning, and although I felt close to Jesus in that suffering, I knew I was concentrating more on my own problems than I was on the sacrifice that Jesus made for me.
I'll try to update this a lot. If not every day, every few days. It's such interesting information...
Happy Lent,
Lauren
Plus, if I'm calling this "Project, What I Want to Be" I might as well keep track of my goals. :)
So, basically my goals of Lent are:
- To follow the three basic guides of lent (Fasting, Prayer and Alms)
- Relentlessly following what I've given up. (Swearing two years in a row. I need to stop swearing in front of my mom...)
- Putting money in the swear jar when I do slip up, and donating it when Lent is over (it's a communal jar. Kayla already put $5 in, hahahaha)
- Concentrating on Jesus and not other people (This especially applies today, when I had to realize that it didn't matter how many people criticized me for the ashes I wore on my forehead. What I am in His eyes is the only thing that counts)
At mass today, Father George gave me a lovely little Lent Companion called "The Little Black Book". It's a Vademecum (or "Travel with me" in Latin) and is a book you carry around for Lent. It's full of scripture, history and ideas to concentrate on for the next few weeks. It's excellent. Part of the little black book is a "Lectio Divina" which is one of my favorite things EVER. It's basically a way to concentrate on scripture. I won't include that on the blog, but if you want to see it/know what it's based on, shoot me a comment and I'll hook you up :)
Here's some information I liked on Ash Wednesday:
The use of ashes as a sign of penitence and remorse is rooted in Jewish tradition and carried over into Christianity. In some early churches, those who had committed serious sin would present themselves to their bishop on Ash Wednesday and he sprinkled Ashes on their hair shirts. They would then wear the shirt for the rest of lent as a public display of penitence. The custom of Ashes on the forehead became custom in the 11th Century. The 12th century brought the practice of burning the Palm Sunday branches of the previous year to make the ash. After the Reformation in the 16th century, many protestant churches discontinued the practice. But in recent decades, some Lutheran, Presbyterian, Methodist and Episcopal churches have reinstated the tradition.
Fasting also comes from Jewish practice. Jewish Law required fasting on Yom Kippur. However, some public fasts were held in the face of disaster (Famine, etc.) Some Jewish people fasted more often in private- some every Tuesday and Thursday.
For Christians, fasting can be seen as a way to ask God for what is needed or to do penitence for sins. But most importantly, it is done as a form of prayer. It helps us experience 1) our hunger for God 2) Our dependence on God (Food, like everything else, comes from Him) 3) Our weakness and frailty and 4) Our willingness to change some patterns in our life.
I think this will help make for a good lent. A better lent than last year. Last year, Suffering had an entirely different meaning, and although I felt close to Jesus in that suffering, I knew I was concentrating more on my own problems than I was on the sacrifice that Jesus made for me.
I'll try to update this a lot. If not every day, every few days. It's such interesting information...
Happy Lent,
Lauren
I am frustrated.
Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18
Jesus said to his disciples:
"Take care not to perform righteous deeds
in order that people may see them;
otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father.
When you give alms,
do not blow a trumpet before you,
as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets
to win the praise of others.
Amen, I say to you,
they have received their reward.
But when you give alms,
do not let your left hand know what your right is doing,
so that your almsgiving may be secret.
And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.
"When you pray,
do not be like the hypocrites,
who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners
so that others may see them.
Amen, I say to you,
they have received their reward.
But when you pray, go to your inner room,
close the door, and pray to your Father in secret.
And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.
"When you fast,
do not look gloomy like the hypocrites.
They neglect their appearance,
so that they may appear to others to be fasting.
Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward.
But when you fast,
anoint your head and wash your face,
so that you may not appear to be fasting,
except to your Father who is hidden.
And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you."
I am frustated today.
I take my religion seriously. And although I have my qualms with the church, today, Ash Wednesday, is a very important day for me. It's a day when I feel especially connected to the Catholic Church and its memebers. The reading above was our gospel reading. It is my favorite reading, and the one that defines some of my key beliefs. My relationship with God is mine alone. It is no one else's business. And yet today, I am called to repent, called to wear the ashes as a sign of humility.
And although this is more a church tradition than a command made by Jesus, it is a way to connect to others in faith. So I wear them as a sign of my humilty, not to brag about my faith or push it on others. And yet my cousin, my own kin sees me and laughs, "oh no, not you too."
I am frustrated by this. I thought liberals were supposed to be openminded. To me, being a liberal is about accpeting ideas other than your own as valid. It's about not being closed to other ways of life. And guess what? That's what being a christian should be about too. Sometimes I really see the difference between the term "Christian" and the term "Follower of Christ" even though they're supposed to be synonomus.
Want to see the birth of liberal politics?
Jesus said to his disciples:
"Take care not to perform righteous deeds
in order that people may see them;
otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father.
When you give alms,
do not blow a trumpet before you,
as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets
to win the praise of others.
Amen, I say to you,
they have received their reward.
But when you give alms,
do not let your left hand know what your right is doing,
so that your almsgiving may be secret.
And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.
"When you pray,
do not be like the hypocrites,
who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners
so that others may see them.
Amen, I say to you,
they have received their reward.
But when you pray, go to your inner room,
close the door, and pray to your Father in secret.
And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.
"When you fast,
do not look gloomy like the hypocrites.
They neglect their appearance,
so that they may appear to others to be fasting.
Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward.
But when you fast,
anoint your head and wash your face,
so that you may not appear to be fasting,
except to your Father who is hidden.
And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you."
I am frustated today.
I take my religion seriously. And although I have my qualms with the church, today, Ash Wednesday, is a very important day for me. It's a day when I feel especially connected to the Catholic Church and its memebers. The reading above was our gospel reading. It is my favorite reading, and the one that defines some of my key beliefs. My relationship with God is mine alone. It is no one else's business. And yet today, I am called to repent, called to wear the ashes as a sign of humility.
And although this is more a church tradition than a command made by Jesus, it is a way to connect to others in faith. So I wear them as a sign of my humilty, not to brag about my faith or push it on others. And yet my cousin, my own kin sees me and laughs, "oh no, not you too."
I am frustrated by this. I thought liberals were supposed to be openminded. To me, being a liberal is about accpeting ideas other than your own as valid. It's about not being closed to other ways of life. And guess what? That's what being a christian should be about too. Sometimes I really see the difference between the term "Christian" and the term "Follower of Christ" even though they're supposed to be synonomus.
Want to see the birth of liberal politics?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sometimes...
I get jealous because my friends from home are closer to each other than they are to me. They send each other little valentines and visit and whatnot and it makes me sad that no one wants to see me the way they do each other.
But then I remember I have bigger things to do, and I feel better.
But then I remember I have bigger things to do, and I feel better.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
On the Bridge
This evening I felt like I was walking through a painting.
(If I was as clever as Sam, I'd have several pictures to back this up...)
It's pretty warm for winter right now, and the snow is starting to look delicate. There are patches of grass and puddles everywhere.
When I finished work, I walked across the bridge listening to an old song by Jars of Clay that I swore I took off my ipod months ago. Regardless, I listened to it as I walked, feeling the never failing gust of wind sweep my hair every which way. (Ah the ever faithful, ever chilly footbridge)
My thoughts were concentrated on the Chippewa river beneath the bridge, (looking sooo much deeper than it actually is) the deep cracks in the ice, the deep pools of water that seem to get bigger and bigger with every raise of a degree. It was a little past five and the sun was beginning to set, casting a red and pink hue to the clouds that swept past Towers. And I saw God in every movement. And I saw reason in every movement.
And despite being on the freezing cold bridge (although it wasn't completely cold out, the bridge acts as a wind tunnel. It's enough to make you shiver) I stopped and just stared. And I thought about how lucky I was to be there. And how lucky I was to be alive and well and whole again. I'm steadily approaching the one year marker where the perfectly planned fabric of my life unwound from so many angles that it pulled apart completely. It's unnerving to think that I was ever that vulnerable, or rather, that I ever so affected by so many things at once. Even though I feel self-conscious and awkward now, I feel much stronger, tougher. I feel, in retrospect, that I learned a lot from my Senior year of high school (and I can't believe I cried THAT MUCH. Holy crap.)
And even as tonight took a ridiculous turn for the worst, I tried my best to keep a cool head through my anger. The only thing I wished for was for one person to just get me. To just understand what I was feeling, know exactly what and why I was thinking it, and know where I was coming from. My mom is the closest thing I have to that now, and she wasn't around tonight (which sucks). And yet, even in wishing that, dealing with it by myself makes me stronger, I suppose.
(If I was as clever as Sam, I'd have several pictures to back this up...)
It's pretty warm for winter right now, and the snow is starting to look delicate. There are patches of grass and puddles everywhere.
When I finished work, I walked across the bridge listening to an old song by Jars of Clay that I swore I took off my ipod months ago. Regardless, I listened to it as I walked, feeling the never failing gust of wind sweep my hair every which way. (Ah the ever faithful, ever chilly footbridge)
My thoughts were concentrated on the Chippewa river beneath the bridge, (looking sooo much deeper than it actually is) the deep cracks in the ice, the deep pools of water that seem to get bigger and bigger with every raise of a degree. It was a little past five and the sun was beginning to set, casting a red and pink hue to the clouds that swept past Towers. And I saw God in every movement. And I saw reason in every movement.
And despite being on the freezing cold bridge (although it wasn't completely cold out, the bridge acts as a wind tunnel. It's enough to make you shiver) I stopped and just stared. And I thought about how lucky I was to be there. And how lucky I was to be alive and well and whole again. I'm steadily approaching the one year marker where the perfectly planned fabric of my life unwound from so many angles that it pulled apart completely. It's unnerving to think that I was ever that vulnerable, or rather, that I ever so affected by so many things at once. Even though I feel self-conscious and awkward now, I feel much stronger, tougher. I feel, in retrospect, that I learned a lot from my Senior year of high school (and I can't believe I cried THAT MUCH. Holy crap.)
And even as tonight took a ridiculous turn for the worst, I tried my best to keep a cool head through my anger. The only thing I wished for was for one person to just get me. To just understand what I was feeling, know exactly what and why I was thinking it, and know where I was coming from. My mom is the closest thing I have to that now, and she wasn't around tonight (which sucks). And yet, even in wishing that, dealing with it by myself makes me stronger, I suppose.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
This always happens.
And why?
Why, when I need the help most (and I'd like to think of myself as mostly self-sufficient) do people decide they don't have time.
I don't want to think that I ask people to drop whatever they're doing to help me because I'm so self-involved. But I'm really stuck, stressed out, out of time and without help from the person who promised.
AGH!
Why, when I need the help most (and I'd like to think of myself as mostly self-sufficient) do people decide they don't have time.
I don't want to think that I ask people to drop whatever they're doing to help me because I'm so self-involved. But I'm really stuck, stressed out, out of time and without help from the person who promised.
AGH!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Fools Like Me
Beware the danger, it lurks for those who get swept away
The dreamers get punished most by the truth they say
It's all in the little ways one reveals their love's gone away
love's gone away
When my hand was in your hand my heart was pure
And now I see a different man
Rewriting memories
The dogs run down the beach
And all I'm left with is sand in my shoes
Sand in my shoes
'Cause fools like me
Oh we love blindly
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me
Now I recall the time at the cafe,
The thunderstorm outside
Words you could never say
they hold the loudest tones
They say you're right
But it's ink on a page
just ink on a page
But fools like me
Oh we love blindly
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me
Tick-tock the time
Distant look grows in your eyes
And fools never ask
Afraid what lurks in your eyes
I always knew, somehow always knew
I always knew the truth.
Cause fools like me
Oh we never see
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me
And it's breaking
It's breaking
It's gotta break for me to see
At least I can say I was not afraid
I loved you all the way
And I'd pick the fool any day.
- Vanessa Carlton
Um, yeah. Truth.
The dreamers get punished most by the truth they say
It's all in the little ways one reveals their love's gone away
love's gone away
When my hand was in your hand my heart was pure
And now I see a different man
Rewriting memories
The dogs run down the beach
And all I'm left with is sand in my shoes
Sand in my shoes
'Cause fools like me
Oh we love blindly
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me
Now I recall the time at the cafe,
The thunderstorm outside
Words you could never say
they hold the loudest tones
They say you're right
But it's ink on a page
just ink on a page
But fools like me
Oh we love blindly
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me
Tick-tock the time
Distant look grows in your eyes
And fools never ask
Afraid what lurks in your eyes
I always knew, somehow always knew
I always knew the truth.
Cause fools like me
Oh we never see
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me
And it's breaking
It's breaking
It's gotta break for me to see
At least I can say I was not afraid
I loved you all the way
And I'd pick the fool any day.
- Vanessa Carlton
Um, yeah. Truth.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Do I Dare?
I could say yes and settle. I could do as my uncle Steve once said, "just give it a try because you never know until you give it a chance."
But I believe that there is a difference between being happy and being content. Maybe I read too many dramatic love stories about true love, ka (fate) , attraction as strong as gravitational pull and perfect virgin vampires. But it's what I want. (...by that I mean really strong love, not a vampire...)
I said no to a lot of guys before my last relationship. And it was worth it in the end, although I questioned my sanity at the time. Sure when I said "no" before, I wanted to be loved and I wanted love, but some intuitive force inside me knew I wasn't going to find it with any of those guys. And I don't regret waiting.
And now that I've dusted myself off after my first attempt at a serious relationship, I know I can do it again, with some minor changes in how things are going to go from now on. *smiles* And other than those minor things, I don't regret anything there either.
(Although I guess I wonder about timing, and how different I would be if I'd ended up with someone else as my first boyfriend. Still no regrets though.)
(The only thing I really regret where boys are concerned is when I put my own selfish desire to be with a guy over one of my friend's feelings. That is the shittiest thing to do to someone you love.)
But after all that, after all the growth, wonder, joy, love and heartache, I find myself in the same boat as I did when boys I didn't like "that way" were asking for me. I have to trust that God has some plan for me, that I will find the love I dream about. I don't think he'd place such a desire in me to be a mother and a wife if it wasn't supposed to happen.
I can't, I won't force myself to be with someone who I don't feel strongly for.
I'd rather take my chances on finding someone who'll give me the moon.
But I believe that there is a difference between being happy and being content. Maybe I read too many dramatic love stories about true love, ka (fate) , attraction as strong as gravitational pull and perfect virgin vampires. But it's what I want. (...by that I mean really strong love, not a vampire...)
I said no to a lot of guys before my last relationship. And it was worth it in the end, although I questioned my sanity at the time. Sure when I said "no" before, I wanted to be loved and I wanted love, but some intuitive force inside me knew I wasn't going to find it with any of those guys. And I don't regret waiting.
And now that I've dusted myself off after my first attempt at a serious relationship, I know I can do it again, with some minor changes in how things are going to go from now on. *smiles* And other than those minor things, I don't regret anything there either.
(Although I guess I wonder about timing, and how different I would be if I'd ended up with someone else as my first boyfriend. Still no regrets though.)
(The only thing I really regret where boys are concerned is when I put my own selfish desire to be with a guy over one of my friend's feelings. That is the shittiest thing to do to someone you love.)
But after all that, after all the growth, wonder, joy, love and heartache, I find myself in the same boat as I did when boys I didn't like "that way" were asking for me. I have to trust that God has some plan for me, that I will find the love I dream about. I don't think he'd place such a desire in me to be a mother and a wife if it wasn't supposed to happen.
I can't, I won't force myself to be with someone who I don't feel strongly for.
I'd rather take my chances on finding someone who'll give me the moon.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Some Things Don't Change
For Instance, I still don't have much to do at work.
And I still feel a million times better after listening to Michelle Branch (particularly "Breathe" from Hotel Paper)
The smell of Maybelline Coverup still makes me think of being in Annie, and the smell of Old Navy's Citrus Spray brings me back to 8th grade and listening to Good Charlotte.
And as much as I've changed, I'm the same. I've tried to push and pull myself in so many ways in the last few months and some things won't change. I won't be drinking or having sex any time soon. I can't date someone I don't have intense feels for. In fact, I can't date. I am a relationship person. I keep coming back to it.
And as much as I'm the same, I've changed so much. When I went home over break, there were small changes, but a lot was the same. Same setting, same pretences. So I went along with it. I was shoved back into the mold of who I was several months ago. My relationships, for the most part, went back to the way the were when I left. Like my bedroom was, it was all untouched while I was gone. And I feel I've outgrown a lot in odd places. Like an oddly fitting shirt, just things are too short there, or too long there, etc. I don't know how to bring the things I like about Home-Lauren to school, and the School-Lauren home. They are two very different girls at times, and I'd like them to meet the other side of my life sometime.
There are so many things that I want to be all at the same time and I feel like I can't be all of them. I want to be wise and calm and sensible, yet I would love to stay passionate and driven by my heart. I want to be a spitfire. Yet I don't want to be immature. But I don't want to lose the child in me. See what I mean?
I think this is why I write. The women that I write about are strong. They have qualities I appreciate in myself and things I wish I had. And of course, the flaws too... I usually have heroines, although occasionally I write about heroes. (I just feel men have always had their day. Let's appreciate women once in awhile)
I'm not sure if I've ever said anything about my "clay" theory here, but if I have, bear with me (ha! like you're reading this. Well, anyone except Ann and mom. So, Ann and Mom, bear with me if I've told you this before)
I believe that when we began, we are all like balls of clay, ready to be molded by our life experiences. And so, with our interactions with individuals, situations, feelings, dreams and of course, the influence of God (or maybe those things are all under that category) we are molded into what we become, (and hopefully what He plans us to become) As far as our interactions with others are concerned, sometimes we match up with other people, as friends or as lovers. Their experiences match them to ours in someway, and things fit effortlessly (or at least, if they're good relationships, they should) And then, sometimes things change, some person or thing reaches us and we mold again and things no longer fit. And even though things were perfect and genuine at one time, they can't always be. I suppose if we're lucky (or something to the extent) we find someone who grows with us. When we're at a time when we are willing (and sure) to exchange a "my" life for "our". I can't believe I didn't realize just how big that is only a year ago.
So I guess I shouldn't be so hard on people who break promises. although if people know me, they should know I cling to that stuff. So don't promise something you can't keep. ("O, swear not on the moon that monthly changes in her circled orb...do not swear at all," as William Shakespeare put it )
I don't know how I manage to stay so earthbound yet be so high up in the clouds all the time. I suppose I have very long legs.
And I still feel a million times better after listening to Michelle Branch (particularly "Breathe" from Hotel Paper)
The smell of Maybelline Coverup still makes me think of being in Annie, and the smell of Old Navy's Citrus Spray brings me back to 8th grade and listening to Good Charlotte.
And as much as I've changed, I'm the same. I've tried to push and pull myself in so many ways in the last few months and some things won't change. I won't be drinking or having sex any time soon. I can't date someone I don't have intense feels for. In fact, I can't date. I am a relationship person. I keep coming back to it.
And as much as I'm the same, I've changed so much. When I went home over break, there were small changes, but a lot was the same. Same setting, same pretences. So I went along with it. I was shoved back into the mold of who I was several months ago. My relationships, for the most part, went back to the way the were when I left. Like my bedroom was, it was all untouched while I was gone. And I feel I've outgrown a lot in odd places. Like an oddly fitting shirt, just things are too short there, or too long there, etc. I don't know how to bring the things I like about Home-Lauren to school, and the School-Lauren home. They are two very different girls at times, and I'd like them to meet the other side of my life sometime.
There are so many things that I want to be all at the same time and I feel like I can't be all of them. I want to be wise and calm and sensible, yet I would love to stay passionate and driven by my heart. I want to be a spitfire. Yet I don't want to be immature. But I don't want to lose the child in me. See what I mean?
I think this is why I write. The women that I write about are strong. They have qualities I appreciate in myself and things I wish I had. And of course, the flaws too... I usually have heroines, although occasionally I write about heroes. (I just feel men have always had their day. Let's appreciate women once in awhile)
I'm not sure if I've ever said anything about my "clay" theory here, but if I have, bear with me (ha! like you're reading this. Well, anyone except Ann and mom. So, Ann and Mom, bear with me if I've told you this before)
I believe that when we began, we are all like balls of clay, ready to be molded by our life experiences. And so, with our interactions with individuals, situations, feelings, dreams and of course, the influence of God (or maybe those things are all under that category) we are molded into what we become, (and hopefully what He plans us to become) As far as our interactions with others are concerned, sometimes we match up with other people, as friends or as lovers. Their experiences match them to ours in someway, and things fit effortlessly (or at least, if they're good relationships, they should) And then, sometimes things change, some person or thing reaches us and we mold again and things no longer fit. And even though things were perfect and genuine at one time, they can't always be. I suppose if we're lucky (or something to the extent) we find someone who grows with us. When we're at a time when we are willing (and sure) to exchange a "my" life for "our". I can't believe I didn't realize just how big that is only a year ago.
So I guess I shouldn't be so hard on people who break promises. although if people know me, they should know I cling to that stuff. So don't promise something you can't keep. ("O, swear not on the moon that monthly changes in her circled orb...do not swear at all," as William Shakespeare put it )
I don't know how I manage to stay so earthbound yet be so high up in the clouds all the time. I suppose I have very long legs.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Resolution
Ok, so maybe it's a little late for a post like this. Whatever.
It may be the 21st of January, but I should probably think about this a little more now that my original plan hasn't worked out. I initially planned on doing what I deemed the "Ben Franklin test." Basically, in a chapter of his autobiography, Benjamin Franklin talks about a process he goes through to better himself. He concentrates on 13 virtues for 13 weeks, one virtue per week, and marks down every time he slips up in each week on a chart he keeps with him.
I kind of lost track by the second virtue (which was Silence. HA!) I never did make myself a chart either, so I suppose I wasn't taking it too seriously to begin with. I still plan on doing it some time, I just have to do a better job organizing it.
If you want more information about the test, feel free to leave me a contact and ask. I'll post the "directions" - direct quotes from Franklin's autobiography explaining it all. He's a really awesome guy.
So, back to me failing at it. Yeah, ok. So I'm trying to figure out what I want to do to better myself this year. (What is our obsession as American's with this?) I'm going to start with a couple goals:
1. Move past the point of "Awareness" into "Active Involvement"
As Christian Lander not so kindly points out in his book Stuff White People Like we as a culture like to talk about things like we know what we're talking about without doing anything about it. We can say "Save Darfur!" all we want, but we don't do shit to make it happen. It's all about passing the torch- "I told you about it, now you fix it. My part is done." Nope. Not for me. I'm going to work on not just telling people, but setting an example as a participant in being part of the solution.
2. Explore things I was too bitter to explore last year
Among these are three movies (P.S. I Love You, Once and Into the Wild) I couldn't bring myself to see in 2008 for stupid, raw nerve reasons. The first being that I couldn't stand gooey love stories, the second being that it reminded me too much of someone I lost and the third because I would argue the living hell out of Christopher McCandless' logic. Sorry, Emile Hirsch. I'm going to try to view your acting without bias here. To extend this goal, I guess what I'm trying to do is continue to desensitize myself from stuff that used to bother me. There's lots of stuff that goes in that pile.
3. Stop being such a little liar.
Being honest seems to be the best policy. No more dumb excuses/little white lies for not doing things I don't want to do. It's exhausting and really, really stupid.
4. Just like everyone else: Health
Participating in my first swim meet in 3 years last week really opened my eyes up to how little I exercised before this month. The giant hill at school isn't enough. I need to make time for this.
5. Being More Assertive
Because I am a doormat, end of story. When a Catholic priest tells you you need to stop being a doormat, then you really need to stop.
So there we have it. Some new goals for 2009. And now I've written them down so I won't forget them. :)
Peace!
- Lauren
It may be the 21st of January, but I should probably think about this a little more now that my original plan hasn't worked out. I initially planned on doing what I deemed the "Ben Franklin test." Basically, in a chapter of his autobiography, Benjamin Franklin talks about a process he goes through to better himself. He concentrates on 13 virtues for 13 weeks, one virtue per week, and marks down every time he slips up in each week on a chart he keeps with him.
I kind of lost track by the second virtue (which was Silence. HA!) I never did make myself a chart either, so I suppose I wasn't taking it too seriously to begin with. I still plan on doing it some time, I just have to do a better job organizing it.
If you want more information about the test, feel free to leave me a contact and ask. I'll post the "directions" - direct quotes from Franklin's autobiography explaining it all. He's a really awesome guy.
So, back to me failing at it. Yeah, ok. So I'm trying to figure out what I want to do to better myself this year. (What is our obsession as American's with this?) I'm going to start with a couple goals:
1. Move past the point of "Awareness" into "Active Involvement"
As Christian Lander not so kindly points out in his book Stuff White People Like we as a culture like to talk about things like we know what we're talking about without doing anything about it. We can say "Save Darfur!" all we want, but we don't do shit to make it happen. It's all about passing the torch- "I told you about it, now you fix it. My part is done." Nope. Not for me. I'm going to work on not just telling people, but setting an example as a participant in being part of the solution.
2. Explore things I was too bitter to explore last year
Among these are three movies (P.S. I Love You, Once and Into the Wild) I couldn't bring myself to see in 2008 for stupid, raw nerve reasons. The first being that I couldn't stand gooey love stories, the second being that it reminded me too much of someone I lost and the third because I would argue the living hell out of Christopher McCandless' logic. Sorry, Emile Hirsch. I'm going to try to view your acting without bias here. To extend this goal, I guess what I'm trying to do is continue to desensitize myself from stuff that used to bother me. There's lots of stuff that goes in that pile.
3. Stop being such a little liar.
Being honest seems to be the best policy. No more dumb excuses/little white lies for not doing things I don't want to do. It's exhausting and really, really stupid.
4. Just like everyone else: Health
Participating in my first swim meet in 3 years last week really opened my eyes up to how little I exercised before this month. The giant hill at school isn't enough. I need to make time for this.
5. Being More Assertive
Because I am a doormat, end of story. When a Catholic priest tells you you need to stop being a doormat, then you really need to stop.
So there we have it. Some new goals for 2009. And now I've written them down so I won't forget them. :)
Peace!
- Lauren
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)