It's time for a little honesty

I hate high school. I am really, really ready to leave this mindset.

I feel like a kid sleeping in a bed that's too small. I feel so above all of the dumb drama that happens, from stupid flirty boys to fights in sectionals. But I listen to my friends when they deal with these things (from flirty boys to sectional fights) and I hold them when the cry and comfort them best I can...but I don't understand how they get into this stuff. I know that I was there once, and I'm not quite sure when I left. I guess part of me was always above things...and part of me fit right in (I am a theatre person, I suppose.)

Here's something I can't quite understand: Today I was truly insulted by someone trying to play the "my life is worse than yours" game. Games games games, that's all high school is and I seriously could puke. I simply told her that I didn't want to have that argument and that I would appreciate it if she would stop talking about it. She persisted. She pulled the, "C'mon Lauren, you're not dealing with nearly as much as I am" card (after admitting her full knowledge to my aunts death), at which point I stood up and left Government class to fume and cry and hurt in the bathroom. Wiemer walked me around the halls several times and helped me compose myself. I appreciate everything he does. I should thank him somehow.
Funny thing about the whole incident is that I knew this girl was having a bad day and I told her "hey, I know you're having a bad day, but I hope things get better. You don't deserve the stress." She thanked me, and then five minutes later she was accusing me of not having my own problems.

I've come to realize just how many people rely on me and my problem solving skillz (must be spelled with a z, it's mandatory) and I feel like this is the only place (along with my personal thought book) that I'm really taking time for me. Speaking of, here's something for me-

I don't understand the "you're immature" and "you only think about yourself" comment. I really don't.
Perhaps my desire for a shoulder to cry on was too much.

Nearly two months ago I said, "I guess you're right." I accepted it without question in the moment and now I see that that was wrong. I should have had strength enough in myself to stick up for myself and say, "you know, I don't really see that in me," and talk about it...but instead I let my fear conquer everything and I lied. I said I didn't like myself...and that wasn't really the truth. I do like myself and I am not going to stop respecting my values and morals. As I step into the college world in the upcoming months, I'll try my hardest to stay strongly Lauren at heart and soul (but still be flexible!) and continue to love myself...I don't want to "make myself different" to make friends- they'll be lots of people in college. I'm going somewhere where I'm sure to find friends.

I've wanted to say that for a long time, but felt inhibited about what I say on this page because of whose eyes may see it...but really, I can't keep censoring myself. I was worried about looking melodramatic or immature...when really, I can't worry about that. I can't change myself so other people will like me...I just have to accept who I am, accept the path Jesus Christ chooses for me and let that be enough. And if people choose to not take a chance on me or choose to through our relationships away, I'll accept it and know that it's not fault.

I see things a lot clearer now. I know some really wise people who have great advice, and I think asking questions while I get the chance is better than dwelling in self pity. The next thing I'll have to ask is how to help people I love without taking all of their problems.

An Elegy to a Goddess

An Elegy to a Goddess

With naked feet and flowing hair like smoke,

She walks through the world, my goddess of Spring.

Each tender finger caresses, sprouting green

Shoots upon the earth. She is the master of life,

And indeed she has mastered it. You can smell

No fear upon her as she reaches the clearing at the end of the path.

Oh and what of this twisting, turning path?

To most it seems uncertain, covered by fog and smoke,

But she chooses to see only beauty, touch only wisdom and smell

Only wonder- she is my wonder, my goddess of Spring

Who caught all my dreams in her work-worn hands, showed me green

Leaves, yellow buds, blue birds and all nature, all life.

From my rose colored view, I know no life can match her life,

No strength pass her strength. She led us all down the path

Of all paths. If I could only hear her voice again, I’d spring

At the chance to ask her everything: How to see beyond the green

Poisons of jealousy, how to mend a broken heart, how to douse the smoke

Of angry words and celebrate each day? How to smell

The medley of the seasons and know each distinct smell?

How to know if I must take hold of my own life,

Or let the wind take it instead? Ah, but as smoke

Trails from an extinguished candle, so her path

Trailed away from mine. My muse, my goddess of Spring,

My heart feels winter and I can see no green!

Yet all the time you were with me, it seemed only green

Woods and blue skies. I hope to catch your smell

Upon the wind after an April shower. I hope the path

I walk in life is half as fulfilling as yours, and when the smoke

Clears and I see the way, I hope that the life

Waiting for me is one that will make you proud. Spring

Is the memory I will keep of you: The freshwater spring

In your woods laps down tiny pebbles as green

Bursts of shade make dark patterns on the grass. Life

Shone from you like the beaming sun, the world’s smell

Clung to every thread of your white cotton skirt as you stood on the path,

Beckoning me to follow. Dearest Diana, you are more than memory, more than smoke.

You are the tallest, greenest tree of spring.

You are the smell of excitement lining all our paths.

The thought of you is all I need when my life clouds with smoke.

I wrote this today- I'm surprised my first sestina ended up being so inspired and emotional.
I would appreciate comments- anything, from anyone. I've been feeling really alone in all this, even with my family around. Just knowing you're there reading this will help.

Things that break your heart

DP died this morning.

I felt it coming- I was arguing with myself whilst making chai this morning, saying "no, it's not time yet. She's got time left." I found out second hour.
My mom told me she felt a similar thing while driving to school this morning.

Right now we're at home paging through photo albums for the memorial video. The service is this Sunday.

I feel crazy right now. There are so many things running through my body, and I know I'm just going to have to let it all hurt.

I don't need to hear "she's in a better place" or "she's not suffering anymore"- I am happy, knowing that she is.
What I need is a hug, love, family, friends and an understanding that this hurts and that I'm not going to be my cheery self for awhile.

http://kevin-and-diana.blogspot.com/2008/04/dianas-next-great-adventure.html

Some things you never realize

Today has been a really busy, cool day, but tonight has been best of all.

I love my family with all my heart, but if you know me, you'll understand that the four of us can't always be happy at the same time. Really, it's most often that we're not happy at the same time. I used to look at other families and say, "why don't we act like that?"
It's not that we aren't close- it's a closeness between individuals rather than a closeness when all four of us try to do something together because there's almost always fighting.

Today (although she says "I love you" all the time) my mom went beyond the usual motherly doting and really made me feel awesome about our closeness. Tonight we had a nice family dinner, and of course, as we do, not by "normal" standards. Patrick was screaming Dane Cook jokes from across the table, but my mother and father were laughing. So was I. We will never be like other families and that is ok. They love me and I love them and despite the bickering and bad moods, we'll always catch each other when we start to stumble.

I am beginning to realize there are parts of my parents I am a complete stranger too. Yes, I've heard the "your father and I met here..." story a thousand times, but until now, I haven't been acquainted with that part of their lives. The 'across the country' long distance relationship and the young love. I guess now that I am "of age", I am starting to see beyond the childhood, Hamlet-esque vision of my parent's marriage...and yet not. I see now more than ever just how much they love each other and I respect that love so, so much.

Whilst looking for an old music program in the basement, I found a file folder called "misc. CA stuff" that my dad put. It started with finding his old graduation picture (which I giggled at) then found a purple envelope with his California address with my mother's handwriting. perhaps I shouldn't have, but I read the letter my mom wrote to him, telling him that things were "too serious and that he should date other girls". She ended the letter with something along the lines of "well, I better hit the books, I've got a lot of studying to do", topped in awkwardness only by Carole Gerber's "I've got to go make a salad" in Stephen King's Hearts in Atlantis. I felt awkward just reading those words...I can't even imagine my father's feelings. Yet there is something so strong about my mother, so independent that I really admire. She was living for herself, and that is awesome. There was also a card in there from my mother thanking my father for being such a big part of her life, saying that she loves "staying up all night talking about nothing". It felt really cool to have that connection with my parents, even if they don't know I have it. Knowing that feeling of gratitude and immense luck, the comfort in really getting to Know another person.
God did amazing things in there life, as I'm sure He will do (and is doing) in my life. I know He has plans for me someday, and even though I'm not exactly sure where He'll point me for now, one day it will involve a family of my own, I am sure.

The other thing I found in there was two old pieces of paper with a poem (or song?) written in blue calligraphy. I don't know if my father wrote it, my aunt (his sister, who writes some amazing poetry) or a classmate, but it was clearly important to him. It basically sums up all of my feelings of friends and my love for them in this short time right before we are scattered to the winds. I'll put it up soon, when I get the chance to go back downstairs and look it over again.

So tonight I am at ease and happy. This really makes me want to get to know my parents more- how much else is there, tucked inside their memories? Bunches and bunches of things, I bet.

Any thoughts, readers?

With love,

Lauren Elizabeth

By the way

They are my heroes: http://kevin-and-diana.blogspot.com/

There's Something Pretty Cool...

about being a senior. There's also something weird about it.

After 3 years of watching the senior slide show at Band Variety show, it sure is weird to see your face & baby pictures up there. And being recognized for my age? I've been playing French Horn for 7 years. Geez.

I also found out some exciting news about someone I really look up to having a baby- yay babies!
Man, I want to babysit. If you are at all curious, you should shoot me an email or something. You may or may not know this person, depending on who you are, mystery reader.

I have really great friends- and I'm glad that they'll always be around for me. Despite the literal distance, they're around. Although I'm strong as an individual (I Know it) they brace me when things get windy. I got to hang with some college folken tonight, people that I haven't hung out with in a long time. And it made me realize how crazily I miss Laura and Yassie and Scotty. It's insane, how do I live without them around? You get settled into your new routine as a senior I guess. But not for long : O

Last night I talked with some Mormons on a missionary for a good hour and a half, learning about their religion. It's really interesting, hearing what other people believe. And I guess I can't say that what they believe isn't truth- I'm still waiting for my own answers to questions I've had. I love being Catholic, I just need to make sure it's the Truth, and I will continue to pray. It makes me feel comforted though, when others tell me they were 1) once in my shoes or 2) are still in my shoes. I'm not alone in searching.


I'm listening to Brand New and it is awesome.

Tomorrow's the MYC concert & believe it or not, I'm pumped. Despite the fact that my costume is full out brown, the overall effect is amazing. So worth it. It's not about you as an individual - it's about the BIG PICTURE. Literally. We make a giant chariot and in now way shape or form can you see my face- but it's about the chariot, not my face, and my parents are gonna have to live without seeing it for five seconds. If you arn't doing anything tomorrow, live near/in Madison and want to go so something like you'll never see again, go see Greek to Me at the Capitol Theatre in the Overture Center at either 1 or 4
It's worth it, I swear.

Peace, Love and Understanding,

Lauren

Some Frustration

Not much time right now to elaborate because Divine will be at my house in 30 minutes, but let's just say that the college search ended in a really dumb way.

Tuition for Luther is 3x our house payment. So...yeah. Kind of out of the question as of now. I know there's loans and grants, etc. etc. but I'll have just enough between myself and my parents that way. And that's only freshman year. I'll have to pay for sophomore, junior and senior and work full time every summer I come home (Sara predicts at a good job that would make me about $2,000 a summer...which still isn't enough)
Max suggests I should sell my body for college money.

Luther is calling on Monday with a final offer and if not, Eau Claire, here I come.
I like both schools, I just wish it didn't come down to this.

I hate money. Anyone else hate money?

I want someone to talk to, to help me, but yet I feel like I need to do this on my own. This is a big decision and I need to make it (although it's practically being made for me). It's that safety blanket feeling again- without someone to make it "feel all better" it's kind of scary, but i've got to do it, right?

oy vey.

Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments will hum about mine ears

Today was good- I said yesterday that today was going to be shiny & new and it was.

Here's is a few things that made today awesome:

-> We sing awesome music in Concert Choir and Vocal Jazz. Just singing through our repetiore reminded me that Casey totally spoils us (I forget, whomever may be reading may not know Casey. Mr. Casey is my choir teacher) and has given us some really awesome songs this year. My Soul's Been Anchored (duh), Heart We Will Forget Him, Farewell Overture, Flight of the Bumblebee, Alright Ok You Win, and Lullaby of Birdland to name a few. I don't think I'll ever be able to give up choral music.
I am confident that Sacred Concert (*cough Lakeview Church, Stoughton WI, May 15th 7:00 pm cough*) is going to be awesome.

-> I finished a really great book. Song of Susannah it's called and all I have left is a final corner until I reach the clearing...meaning I have one last book to complete until I am finished reading the series. I do need to take a little bit of a sabbatical from Stephen King books though, only shortly. My AP tests are coming up very shortly and I need to reread some books of Literary Merit before I am asked to write an essay on them. If I can manage it, I think I'll reread Catcher and the Rye and Pride and Prejudice. Good options, I think. Usually I can balance my pleasure reading with my work reading...but I couldn't put Song of Susannah down when I got it and I'm afraid if I start the last one now, my AP Lit outcome will be a 2....seriously. But as soon as AP tests are done, I am so starting again. It's hard to put those characters aside- there's so much to talk about!

-> Mike Ross, artistic director of Madison Youth Choir, is silly and makes me laugh. I'm actually, dare I say it, starting to get excited about this show this weekend? ooh! I am, however, more excited about the Cantabile/Ragazzi "end of the year/senior" concert- We're having a concert with only our groups on May 18th at 7 pm. It's so we can "say goodbye" to seniors and sing ALL of our personal repitoire from this year- I am so excited!!! I want ALL of my friends to come to this- I am really, really proud of the work Cantabile and Ragazzi has been doing and I want to show all of my other friends how awesome we are. S0 you'd best ask me about it!

-> I have great friends. 'nuff said. I like being there for them, because i know they'll always be there for me (they have been the greatest over the last month or so). Today I got to be the listener and the comforter, which I haven't been lately due to extenuating circumstances. Helping others makes me feel so so good. Seeing my friends smile makes my life that much brighter and the days that much more worth living. When I have problems (like now) I like to help others, because I feel like I'm being the person I would like to have around. It feels nice to give.

-> Working on "Hair" makes me happy. I believe that this musical will be totally cool if everyone puts their heart in it. My friend Anna, the head honcho, has put her love, thought and even money (almost $1,000 of her own money) into this show & I will do everything I can to help it pay off. I have some really awesome songs I get to sing in. My solo, "Frank Mills" is great- I get to sing it on stage by myself. I can picture singing to the audience in the night so vividly...I"m really glad I'm doing this instead of my regular community theater show (although I miss the people terribly!)

-> I wrote something really really important today- I wrote down the truth. I have a page and a half or so of everything I need to say & do to help stand up for myself and make Lauren a better person. I'll admit, on a lot of levels, I'm not ok right now. There's a lot that hurts and I need to take care of it. I've been letting it sit without thinking of what to do with it. I'm not quite ready to pour Hydrogen Peroxide on the wound yet, but someday I will, for better or worse, to clean out the germs. (Metaphorically, I hope this works. I think it does). I have faith that I'm going to be ok...I just have to be patient and in the words of the lovely Jon McLaughlin (GO LISTEN TO HIS MUSIC) I need to "just give it time".

With deepest love-

Lauren

post script- now that I have readers (hooray!) Here's another challenge- can you put this blog's title (sometimes a thousand twangling instruments will hum about mine ears) in context without looking it up on the internet? I'll give you a clue: it's from a play :D

Today

Today I discovered that I can do anything...seriously.

I may not have had a very troubled life thus far, but I know that I can weather any storm because my roots grow deep.
I haven't been giving myself enough credit lately & this evening I gave myself a great big hug that I really, really deserved.

Today, despite everything else, I really love and am proud of who I am- I know that I am a living, breathing, thinking, feeling person. I am a real person & I am strong. Being afraid of things doesn't make me any less brave: I'm brave enough to be myself.
I really know that I am going places and tomorrow is going to be a bright and shining day.

Tomorrow, I'm going to work even harder to become a better person.

Julia Stiles Makes a Bad Ophelia...and Ethan Hawke is Frightening

I'm watching a "modern day" Hamlet (Shakespearean text though) & I'm thinking Julia Stiles should not be Ophelia. Just saying.

I looked back at my first entry today and have decided to "update" what it is I have been doing to achieve things. I already had a full post on college, so I guess I don't have to go into that one.
But as for the others, here is some progress:

demo recording - I've talked to Casey, who has a full recording studio in his house. He said that he would be completely happy to allow me to record this summer & even hire in some people to play. I'll have to put some money up, but I think its worth it. This IS something important. I've been writing more and more- I'm almost on complete song number 4, and I've started writing accompaniment to a piece I wrote as a sophomore. (I called it Playing Atlas. Lyrics are here. )
I'm also doing a senior recital (July 21st, you all should show up) at which I will be performing some new written music that, in guessing, all of you have never heard. My music is something so dear to me, and it's been growing and growing...I never thought I'd write like this.

becoming more independent - I don't think I ever really "lost" myself. I've always been there (perhaps silently sitting in the control room, occasionally putting in two cents) but I allowed myself large changes. Sure parts of me feel like I've taken a step backwards in who I am (some old feelings or habits come back- I've been writing like I used to) yet I know that it is all forward motion. Over the last few weeks, people having been saying, "you're so strong! You're one of the strongest people I know!" and I didn't understand- I mean, I cry all the time and can be over dramatic. I've always thought myself weak for not being able to hide my pains, for having them on my face instead of keeping them secret and bearing them. But today I began to see the strength - I am beginning to see what other people see & am beginning to realize how and when people rely on me...and how much strength that requires. I am aware that I have faults and I plan on working on them, but I do love myself and accept who I am at this moment. I know I have some really great qualities and that I have some really great, true friends. I don't have to question my belonging with my friends- we all click and understand each other. There is nothing shallow about it. I know some day I will again make someone very happy, but for now, I am content to be Lauren. I am in no hurry to form relationships- I have to figure out how to wear my armor first.

serving God - I have been thinking a lot lately about following Jesus Christ & how I go about doing it. I have been thinking that saying "hey, I'm only human" doesn't always work. I mean, arn't we always trying to be more Christlike? Therefore, we should always be striving higher than what we are? As I perhaps vaguely touched on last night, I believe that teaching is the best way for me to serve Jesus right now- it is the thing I feel he's calling me to do. It's something I feel strongly about and I want to follow that. After all, Jesus himself was a teacher. :)
After all that has been happening in my life, my faith has been strengthened. It is very often that you hear of people losing faith when a family member is touched by illness like Cancer. They ask, with reason, "why is someone I love so much suffering so? no God would do this so He must not exist." I too have asked why Diana has suffered...but I do not believe God does this out of punishment or that suffering is all His will. I believe we all have crosses to bear- and the way we bear them is part of following Jesus. For someone who does not attend an organized church, Diana has carried this as Christ would hope. Instead of losing my faith, I feel I have grown deeper into it- knowing that part of following Christ is suffering, because we want to be like Christ, and suffer as he suffered, in whatever form it takes.
These are just some thoughts I've had about it lately. I have a lot of praying to do and I think I will discover more of it over time.

(There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose, so I'm thinking over the things that you said)<- more great song lyrics

Love + Peace = Information

-Lauren

post-script: I am overjoyed to have not one but TWO commenters! Perhaps my idea of commune is not dead yet! Could you do me a favor though? So I know which of "you" is saying what, could you put a screen name/letter/number/symbol at the bottom so I know who has said what in the past? I'm trying to figure out who said what and who gets pizza ;) I think maybe I should let that joke go...

The Search Ensues

So it's coming close, Ladies and Gentleman - I need to pick a college.

If you recall (or perhaps you can go back a few pages) in my first entry I made a list of things I want to do. Somewhere down that list was pick a college

Yeah, it's about time. I am between two very good schools:

Luther College in Decorah, Iowa and University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire.
Wherever I go, it will be for music education. That I am sure of - my desire to teach is strengthening every time I lead sectionals and every time I go to work on Saturday. I know that as far as careers are concerned, that is the path that is calling me.

The question is what I want to be at College.

I have heard that Luther, due to size, is somewhat like High School. A slight worry, but I need an environment where I feel comfortable asking my teachers questions, and I know that's something I can do there. Eau Claire is bigger, but still small enough that class sizes are about as big as my high school's (disregarding gen. eds) So there's question number one: The Environment, Public or Private?

Here's question two: My faith. Both Decorah and Eau Claire have opportunities for me to attend Catholic mass regularly. I'm sure there are religious clubs and people at Eau Claire, but I'm sure there are more at Luther. But will I get crap for being Catholic? I don't want to clash over the Protestant Reformation, although I have my own thoughts about Martin Luther that some people may not appreciate, I guess. I don't know if I will have a better opportunity to grow in faith in a community not based on faith, or a community that is. I certainly don't want to be in a position where people have a "holier than thou" attitude about it- My faith is private, precious and personal. I don't want to be around people who expect me to prove it by doing things, know what I mean? I live my faith, but the only One I must prove my faith to is the Father Almighty- and He sees. He knows my heart already- so I will do as He asks, but only as He asks. Father Healy once told me not to let anyone get in the way of my relationship with Jesus- and I don't want people to make me feel like I'm not doing enough.

Question three is this: In Music Education, which is more important: the music or the education? I know that Eau Claire has some fine instructors and nice choirs....but Luther is, frankly, world renowned and the best. THE best. Nordic is the best choir I've heard in my life, and I want to be a part of that.
Eau Claire is considered to be "more prestigious" than Luther in Education - it takes a higher GPA and ACT score to get in, and I don't want to be not challenged at Luther. I think I know where I stand on this one though- I want to have the best musical influence I can, because in the end, that is what I am teaching.

And here's the dumbest issue of all : Money. Money Money Money. I don't have any and Luther is expensive. Eau Claire would be very easy to get through as far as loans...as a music teacher, I don't think I'll get out of paying loans at Luther for a while. I don't want to make my parents spend soooo much money on me- I would be content at Eau Claire, so why not pick it? But isn't Luther worth it, for all that it is?

I have been sitting on this issue not making any decisions because I've been expecting some kind of divine revelation. Yet somehow, I don't know if it's going to be spelled out for me - maybe I have to make the decision. My heart takes preference in Luther- so I should go for it...
I don't know what I'm waiting for.

And here's a tangent for the day, for those of you who enjoy them: The more I take Biology classes, the stronger I feel in faith. It just seems to me that there is too much proof in the world, too much order to be random. There MUST be divinity, because every living thing speaks His glory- seriously, the periodic table of elements? Too much organization to be a random combustion. Faith does not contradict reason and I am so happy I see that.

Peace, Love and Rebirth (it is spring, after all) -

-Lauren Elizabeth


post script: Thank you to my anonymous commenter (I'm assuming you are one person?) I very much appreciate your comments and encouragement. I owe you a pizza. In answer to your comment, its not that I am questioning all love, just parts of love. Things like the differences between romantic love and other love. I'm sure I will write about it sooner or later.
You should all follow his/her example and perhaps you will all receive pizza someday.

Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight

is a GREAT song by Amos Lee, if you haven't heard it already. I've been receiving/finding some pretty cool music lately and it makes me want to make a mixtape. If you're interested I'd be happy to make an exchange- sharing music with others is one of my favorite things ever.

Oh I'm quite tangent today.

I used to write about this character years ago: I called her Lola (I believe her real name was Maria...) and she was a gunslinger of sorts. She was some sort of bum kicking, armored, chip-on-your-shoulder with a heck of a lot of steel kind of character. She had an obsession with her hair- the closer it was to her head, the more cut off she got from human emotion. She trusted less and less, shut herself away more and more and her hair went from hanging down, to braids to a ponytail to a bun kept tight against her head.
I forgot, until yesterday, how much of that character came from myself. I had forgotten about my steel, because I started trusting more. I didn't used to trust people as much as I do now- I was more cynical, more calculating. I was so, so much more independent than who I am now.
And I feel parts of Lola slipping back into my life and I'm not sure I like it. Granted, I enjoy feeling independent and self-sufficient...but I don't like cynicism. Not anymore. I have seen beauty and love- I know it exists and I hope I don't go back to hating things like I did before.
I was looking through an old purse the other day and I found a button inside that said "Valentines Day is for Losers" and I had to laugh. I used to wonder if love existed and that one couldn't find it in high school. I can't say I'm in the best place right now, but at least I know that there was truth in there somewhere.

Hamlet pisses me off, I've discovered whilst reading. I mean, I love him & empathize through all of his journeying. I don't understand his treatment of Ophelia and today when Keeney asked, "now why is Hamlet doing this? Why is he sitting next to Ophelia making sexual jokes when he just abused her physically and mentally?", I exclaimed, "because he's a stupid little bitch!" (Keeney found it very amusing).

Because I enjoy quoting songs, I will speak in the words of John Meyer to emphasize my feelings of the moment: I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.
I mean, I'm a silly, silly person. I enjoy having fun and sometimes can be downright weird (something I am most certainly learning to embrace). But...sometimes I feel that high schoolers, in general, have the maturity level of 8 year old girls. "He said she said" is gross, especially when my teachers are doing it even. Adults should be able to confront things without rumors. I don't feel the least bit intimidated by all those 4.0 kids anymore- I take heart in knowing I'm smart enough not to drink on the weekends. I know I'm not in college yet (as much as I want to be) but I feel like I know a lot about life- I'm at the top of the high school totem pole, and I should be able to be proud of my maturity. I have a good, solid foundation in Jesus Christ, morals, I good head on my shoulders (most of the time) and a big, big heart.
I am a good person and I deserve to be happy.

I am bigger than my body, and others, give me credit for.

(Tell me where's the challenge if you never try? So watch me fly: I'm not afraid!)

Wanting Memories

My mother went down to her parents house on Saturday to get Family Albums- My mother is very good with I-movies and has made several of them for various occasions.
The one she is planning on making now is for Diana's memorial- which she wants to be a celebration not a mourning. So when the time comes we'll celebrate with a montage of song and photographs of DP and how she has affected our lives.

Looking through those albums fills me with something good. It makes me want to grab someone by the hand, show them the pictures and say "look! look, it's my family! They're so AWESOME!" then promptly shake them and say, "no, you still don't get it! They're awesome!"
I could go through every photo and fondly recall what happened that day. The CFV albums are the greatest- it's the best week of my summer, every summer.
Very few people in my life have ventured into my giant family, but I think that after they do, they understand me a lot better.

I was reminded of a song the other day, written by Y.M. Barnwell. It speaks truth about change, life and family. It's called "Wanting Memories" and it's beautiful:

And Here's A Recording

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

You said you'd rock me in the cradle of your arms.
You said you'd hold me ‘til the storms of life were gone.
You said you'd comfort me in times like these and now I need you.
Now I need you...
And you are -
gone.

So, I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you've gone and left me, there's been so little beauty,
but I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.

Now the world outside is such a cold and bitter place.
Here inside I have few things that will console.
And when I try to hear your voice above the storms of life,
then i remember all the things that I was told.

I think on the things that made me feel so wonderful when I was young.
I think on the things that made me laugh , made me dance, made me sing.
I think on the things that made me grow into a being full of pride.
I think on these things, for they are true.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I thought that you were gone, but now I know you're with me.
You are the voice that whispers all I need to hear.

I know a "Please", a "Thank you", and a smile will take me far.
I know that I am you and you are me, and we are one.
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand.
I know that I am blessed,
again, and again, and again, and again,
and, again.

I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.

Love and Peace,

Lauren

The Problem With Word Slinging

Man, when I want to be bitter, it's really hard to bite my tongue. But maybe I do it too often- I so often censor what I say, people don't know how I really feel.
I think I'd shock some people if I told them how I felt.

Today is a day that I hate labels and expectations-I really don't want to be the person everyone expects because it gets really tiresome sometimes. Not the whole "being a good person" part (I think I'll always strive for that) but the "well Lauren should act like this..." I have been going to school with the same people for 12 years and as much as I love some of them, I really want to get the hell out of here.
One thing I've learned is that when friends go off to college you really learn about who cares- the people who care keep in touch. The people who don't fade away like morning dew.
Yet I don't want to rush it- what's the point of that? If I spend every day wishing to be out, I'll never appreciate the good things. Good things like discussing literature with Keeney, or laughing at every single thing that Wiemer says. If I'm wishing to be out of here, I won't appreciate Casey's pit stains (ugh), Mullen's typos or Conner's never ending argument of whether bagel is pronounced "bay-gull" or "bag-ull"

Do you know what the problem of being a writer is? Things fade away when you don't want them to, and you have to deal with it. Fires go out and then that's it. All the work you did on that piece, whatever it was, doesn't matter anymore and a part of you always wishes it does.

Real life doesn't play out the way you write. Things are so much better in your head when you're a writer. Things are more exciting in my head. Writers have overactive imaginations. So often I plan out how conversations are going to go in my head, and when they don't turn out that way...
My life, for over a year and a half, was soooo Hollywood-esque...and now that it's not I don't know how to regain footing. Those lines, those wonderful things that would sound SO GREAT are never said because I don't have balls. There's no soundtrack, no climatic moment, no passionate love scene, no montage. There's just life and it's messy. And I am ok with that, I think. It just makes me bad at life...or something?

I figured out why I haven't been writing White Houses- it's because I'm intimidated. I'm scared to tell a story that's not really mine. I feel like it's accumulated from all sorts of places, all sorts of people and I don't feel like a writer or a narrator. Just a compiler of details asked to sort and sort and sort. I'll do it- I'll do my task...it's just really difficult to have something so daunting. I don't know quite why it feels so big, but it does.

Oh God, God. How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world.
(Name it, I'll buy you a pizza)

I don't want to live for anyone but God. I don't want to do anything for anyone but God. My life should be about that- not about all the crap it's currently about. I can take myself out- you don't need to clear me out like phlegm caught in your throat.

I know I'm crabby, but I guess growing isn't all optimism and happiness. Tomorrow I'll look back and smile softly, I think.

-Lauren

post script- Y'know all you invisible readers, it really wouldn't take so much to leave a little comment here or there, just so I know I'm not alone in all of this. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself.

Further Thoughts

I once read a great book with great advice- It takes steel for a man to fight naked (or something along those lines. Sorry, Stephen King for mussing your words)

I feel naked.

Not physically naked, you can all stop that train of thought right where it's at. It don't need to go no further, partner.

Rather, I feel like all of my clothes, my comforts have been shed over the past few weeks. It takes a lot of courage to be naked. Why? I don't know, but it does. Something about humanity.
But having all of my extra layers stripped and being torn down to the very essence of me has made me realize that I have more power than I ever realized.
I had someone tell me that I was frighteningly powerful - I never understood what she meant, until now. I'm about to step forward into something huge, completely and shamelessly naked.
That is powerful.

I've also been told that crisis is the greatest time for growth- boy do I know that's true. My level of 'drama queen' has regressed exponentially in a period of 5 weeks. I guess nativity makes it easy to be over dramatic, when you don't realize what's really a big deal and what's not.
Now I know what a big deal is, and that's powerful.

Jesus Christ is a powerful ally, ladies and gentlemen, and I am so happy to have His love.

Every time I open my bible, I feel like the words speak volumes of my life. Every story, every message tells me something about my life. When I hear that I should not judge, I realize a) who I've been judging and b) how I can stop. When it's about choosing to love God instead of piting yourself, I stand up and yell, "Hallelujah" (well, almost)
Volumes, Ladies and Gentlemen. He speaks to all of us.
Somehow. :)

And when I think of this, I am very, very happy.

Bitches Ain't Shit

Liz suggested the title for today's blog posting. Couldn't think of one myself.

I've been thinking a TON lately and have wanted to write it here, in my book, on the walls but I've been super busy lately. Like...really busy. I thought it would be bad to be doing this instead of the work I needed to do - after all, isn't this blog about trying to improve myself? Getting off my butt and doing my work is an improvement, believe me.

So.

Visiting DP was good. But more than good...there aren't enough words. She was incredibly lucid the day we went to visit and Kevin said that she ate more that day than she did the entire week before. When we were talking she asked for a Rootbeer float, so my cousins and I went out and got rootbeer floats for everyone. It was bittersweet- there was a real comfort in being with DP, knowing that she was the same (despite the fact that she was trapped in her own body) yet seeing her so sick was difficult. She has such vivacity that it seems wrong to see her stuck in one spot. She gave me some advice that I will never forget. As we were leaving, she pointed at me and said, "don't let that guy get you down." At first I was confused and that she was telling my cousins that and referring to me as "that guy". But after a few seconds, I realized what she was talking about and began to cry. She Knows me so, so well. We haven't spoken in quite some time until then...and yet she can read me like a book. As my eyes watered she said, "I see that he already has. Don't let it get you down anymore." The other thing she said to me as I left was, "Love yourself."
That is a promise I intend to keep to her- if that's one small thing I can do for her, I will. If being happy is what she wants, then I will try my hardest.

I realized, when i was there (on April 7th) that I turned 18 1/2 that day. DP was the one who got me into celebrating half birthdays and I felt bad that I had forgotten that it was a "special day". She asked us if we celebrated quarters - quarter birthdays. Then she asked, "how many times can you split it? How many days are you allowed to celebrate?" She meant celebrate every day. And I intend to- after all, she did (and still is)

Among thoughts of DP, school, friends and family have been thoughts of my interaction with other people. I said before that I have problems between the border of "being tactful and nice" and "being too nice and getting stepped on". I don't plan on straddling that border anymore. So, for those of you reading this that I do see, I may say "no" to a request some time. I plan on sticking up for myself more. I'm not going to be confrontational and argument starting by saying mean but true things- I just plan to be a better friend by being honest when my friends need it. I know that sometimes all my friends want to hear is "boy that sucks. I'm sorry about your guy problems" but how much does that help them, really? When I have some advice I really think would help, I should give it, even if it hurts...right?
In any case, I need to allow myself happiness. I haven't been lately, for the ease of others. I think it needs to stop a bit. I can't carry the world on my shoulders- I chose to do it for so long, and it's not healthy for me. I need to take care of myself now.

So today is full of cross dressers- oh what Stoughton drama. If you are curious as to what I'm talking about, in case you haven't heard it on the radio or seen it all over Facebook, go ahead and ask me. It's certianly a story, but too long of one to post during a Bio Lab.

We're watching plants breathe :)

Love yourself today!

It's Funny

That when I WANT to write, NEED to write something (say, scholarships or papers) and need to be linguistic, I can't.

The eloquence I somehow manage to pull off at times isn't cooperating and I am so angry. I feel so intimidated by a stupid scholarship, because I haven't gotten any yet. I don't want to hit my peak now and then fall flat for the rest of my life. I'm scared of my golden age being over already.

That's all I wanted to say. Anger's out now.

I have much to say and write about my visit with dp (oh, like you're all on the edge of your seats, mystery readers) and I will share it. It will just take some time to figure out how to tell the story...

Sharing Thoughts is more fun than Calculus

Tru fax. (I must check with Sara on the spelling of that...)

I've been crabby all day, which is an unpleasant feeling. If you know me at all, you will have noticed at some time that I enjoy being happy. I once had someone tell me that they see the happiness in me even when I'm sad. And that is truth. But today, I've skipped by sadness and gone right to crabby. I haven't wanted to deal with anyone or anything today. I've just wanted to escape things. I'm having a hard time admitting that I'm not happy right now, with a lot of things. And I don't want to be that way, but I feel like some things are out of my hands. We can control our attitudes, but I'm combating some things that are really making me sad.

Tomorrow I am going down to visit DP in Iowa. I'm nervous. I'm afraid I'll start mindlessly crying and it won't help anything. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to say...perhaps nothing. In any case, I don't think this is something my head will be able to sort out. I am bringing her the last three Harry Potter books. Kevin reads to her all through the night. I love them so much. They are the strongest people I know, and I hope that someday I can have a tenth of their steel.

Tonight, I had a 3 hour rehearsal for Madison Youth Choir (plus the 2 hour one we had yesterday). I feel bad for not appreciating this GIANT project our director has set out. I know he really wants it to be a success, so shouldn't I put my heart in it? The difficult thing about it is forcing yourself to care- it's just a lot of work and we aren't appreciated for doing it. I LOVE the ensemble, but this project is a little more than I can take right now. I really need my Saturdays for homework. The directors are usually cranky with us and don't thank us for working so hard (which we are). I have very little time left in this ensemble, so I should be loving these rehearsals...I guess I just have to try a little harder.

Here is my thought of today: The line between tactfulness and mask wearing is very thin. There are just some things, common courtesy, that you shouldn't say in front of people. But the more you watch what you say, the more you start to say things you think they want to hear. At least, I straddle that border- and I don't want to anymore. I want to find the definition of that line, respect it, but don't cross it. I don't want to be fake- I want to be real. I, as of right now, know who I am. I know what and who I love. I'm trying to figure out who I want to be, and the only person I want to be out to please is God. All those other people will just have to accept the whole package: I am who I am.
This morning during mass, Father quoted St. Catherine of Siena (the name I took upon confirmation): If we become who we are called to be, we can set the world ablaze.

Doesn't that make you want to figure things out too?

Thoughts in Volume

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings

It speaks volumes of my life right now. dp is doing much better now that she is at home- she is happier there...she hasn't been downstairs in 5 months, and now she's there until the very end. That makes her happy, I think. She is being optimistic- it is hard to be sad when she is happy to be moving forward to something better. I know, somehow, she will continue to touch my life. I think fondly on the many ways she has touched my life, and it hurts to think that she will not be around me, physically, anymore. I pray that she is in the least amount of pain possible, in her last moments.

To address happier thoughts, I love my job. Working with kids reminds me of how badly I want to be a mom someday (SOMEDAY. not soon...dear goodness. swimming lessons are good enough for now.)
Along with working Mallard's Games (I hope), I'll definitely be doing a lot of teaching this summer. Gotsta pay for college, you know.

My head is a washing machine of thoughts that I mull over and over, thoughts that don't fit anywhere in this kind of entry. Perhaps tomorrow I will write more.

love,

Lauren

Lord, I'm anchored!

An awesome song to live by, ladies and gentlemen. And I can't even tell you all how excited I am to sing My Soul's Been Anchored at Sacred this year. It's like all the awesome pieces I never got to sing when I was a freshman all decided to give me another shot.
Talk about living dreams.

Speaking of, New York brought me some pretty awesome ones. I was sooo incredibly jealous of Concert Choir when they went on tour freshman year- that they 1.) got to sing My Soul's Been Anchored, 2.) that they sang at that little Presbyterian church everyone talked about and 3.) that they got to eat breakfast with Mickey (whenever I mention Carnegie or Europe, members of the former concert choir like to remind me of this)
This trip, I got to sing at the First Presbyterian Church in Richmond, MI as well as something bigger that I never imagined. Part of my heart belongs to performing- I really did want to be famous when I was a kid. Carnegie was one of those things that I never imagined would happen to me...and it happened in high school. Although the music wasn't awesome (ask anyone in Concert Choir about "Clap Yo Hands"...) the experience most certainly was. People have been really negative about the whole thing (thinking that the other choirs weren't as good as us & being disappointed) but for me personally, I think that would spoil the whole thing. So what? I got to sing in Carnegie hall. Better yet, I got to sing in a chamber group of 16 at Carnegie hall. And I won't let one person's vowels ruin that for me.

At the suggestion of a dear friend (here you go, just for you) I think I will begin to talk about significant changes and achievements in my life. I have begun to take on certain fears of mine- I mean, why not challenge myself? I find that a lot of my ridiculous anxious fears (when I was younger the doctor told me I was borderlining anxiety) come from experiences that don't go over so well.
For example....the last time I dissected anything, Liz was my lab partner and she threw up. Thus, I thought from 6 grade and on "eww, dissection. I'm never taking Bio again!" Yet here I am in AP Bio, and today I dissected a fetal pig. I did whimper over the poor pig a bit (it's tongue was sticking out :'( sad sad sad) but I did it. I started the beginning of this year thinking I never would. But I did, so I'm proud. I challenged myself, and I learned a LOT about body systems. I also learned how to tell the difference between a female and male pig by lifting up its tail.

I also have a silly fear of heights. Not all the time- when I climb hills or mountains (like Devil's Lake) I am fine, it's mostly just elevators. I never really liked flying and the heights thing came in the time my cousin talked me into riding one of those rides at the fair that takes you up really high really slow and then drops you (a tower of terror like thing)
So I wasn't too keen on going up to the top of Rockafeller Center in NYC- but I did. I was scared to go up 850 feet (especially after Casey said "it only takes seven seconds") but I did it. I said, "you know what? I'm strong. I've dealt with a LOT of stuff tougher than this- let's be brave Lauren."

I hope to continue this trend. Maybe I'll go get my second HPV shot soon. I really want to give blood someday. If you know me at ALL, you'll know that I hate needles with a serious passion. But giving blood is SO important...I really want to put my fears aside and help someone. :)

So there we are. I'm trying to be open to a lot of things these days. I've been contemplating, despite the fear of needles, getting a tattoo in remembrance of DP. In the past I haven't really liked tattoos, but this seems really important...my dad was not happy. He suggested jewelry. I didn't even mention it to my mother. She would like it less than dad. Perhaps I'll start with Henna.

With love-

Lauren

P.S. the picture at the top of the page is a view of NYC from Rockefeller. That's the kind of treasure that was waiting at the top :D

Who Do You Save When Your House Is On Fire?

In search of truth- how does one find oneself? It's hard to be authentic in an inauthentic world. There is so much in modern day, so many influences that can cloud our mind and vision.

How does one find truth?

Is it in our hearts? Minds? Can we really find truth within ourselves, or do we have to seek it outside? Or do we wait?

I want to be authentic. I want to be honest and truthful and not be fake to tell people what they want to hear.

Today, I want to admit that I am hurting, after what I learned late this afternoon: My aunt is dying from Cancer and has little time left to live- few months at most. She has tumors on her spinal chord and she can't move her legs. Surgery would give her less time- radiation is the only way we can try to get rid of them and we don't even know how much that will do.

At least I can say that here, with no one reading. I don't know why I don't write this in a book and hide it, if no one is reading- I guess I want someone to read & at least KNOW what is happening in my life right now. Is that being fake?

What I don't want is the flood of people that feel awkward and don't really care- they just feel like they have to say something. I don't want over amounts of kisses and hugs and pity. I hate pity. This is not here for a sob story - this is here because it is my life and saying it is going to help my family get through it, right?

I mean, there are people I want to tell, but honestly HOW do you tell someone? I can't just call someone up and say "uh, yeah, just wanted to tell you..." That FEELS like wanting pity. And that's not what I want...I don't know in words what I want. Understanding, I guess. I want someone to hold my hand. Is THAT being fake?

I'm afraid of dissapointment. I'm afraid that if I tell people, I won't get a response and I'll end up feeling worse.

I'm lost. I don't know how to help my family through this. I don't know how to help my uncle, who so dutifully loves his dying wife. I don't know how to comfort my other aunts and uncles, my grandparents...and especially my mother.
I remember watching her cousin's cancer consume my good friend Julia. I guess I never thought that could happen in my family.

With all that has been happening, it would be so easy to lose faith. It would be so easy to say "God obviously doesn't exist if he's causing all this pain." But it is not the case- Job lost a lot more than this and he still believed in the Lord. All of this will strengthen my faith, I pray.

I know that feeling is real- there is no right or wrong way in feeling. Feeling is honesty. There is truth in my pain in all of this. And what matters is that what I'm saying now is honesty.

Patience is a Virtue

I really don't want this blog to be "all about me". That's not what it's for. True, it was my idea, but it would be really, really awesome if someone contacted me with even the mildest of interest.

Even if it starts with comments of ideas, it's a start. Anything is a start.

I'll admit, it's a little frustrating, but I'm willing to wait.

-Lauren