Two Roads Diverged In a Yellow Wood

and sorry I could not travel both...

School is quickly approaching and I cannot decide if I'm happy or not to go back. Mostly, I feel like I'm not. And that bothers me. I was SO happy there. I didn't want to come back to Stoughton. I didn't want to be with these friends here. And here I am, several months later pondering the same things.

I cannot decide whether or not to leave the music department.

I need to just write this all out. I have not yet found a person to spew this at, so why not just put it all over the web, shall we?

First off, I feel like there's a ton of pressure, both time wise and money wise. I have a scholarship from high school that I worked SO hard to get that says I need to stay an education major. So that's that. I am constantly told that it is not a waste of time and money to switch, that all education is valuable. But honestly, for as much as we talk about money and graduating in 4 years and all that, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

I think about having music only as a hobby, something I do outside of work and not every day...every once in awhile. And it's unfathomable.
But I hate my major. I hate it. Every morning I wake up hating it. Hating theory class, hating piano, hating practicing, hating being forced to go to concerts rather than on my own will, hating having NO free time. And I think, "ok, why? Is it because you're not a genius at it? Not the best anymore? That you actually have to work hard now?" Nothing we feel is perfect...but the only music class I enjoyed last semester was WOCO.

When we were in Soweto, we performed at the University of Johannesburg. And right away, from the first song, I cried. Not little tears but the big, gigantic river of tears. I sat there realizing that I couldn't do this anymore. And that should be the end of it.
But I fought it. I've been fighting it.

And I have no idea. I have two very, very different paths in front of me. One is...normal, you know? A job in education. Teaching high school choir. Making music every day with people old enough to understand and appreciate it.

And then there's another one that is a LOT less clear. It involves me going back to Africa, that's for sure. And doing work there- humanitarian work, I think. Something. I don't have a picture yet...only a really blurry, vague one. And I can't tell if I would really enjoy it or if I'm just imagining I would. And I am scared shitless because the world is waiting. So what am I doing? Why can't I decide?

Lord help me. I have been praying for an answer. And I feel like I'm really needing one.

I Hate Disclaimers

It's been awhile since I've stepped up on my soap box, but I need to say a few words. It's something that's been bothering me for a couple days, and I think saying this out in the open will make me feel a bit better.

Upon observation, I think I'm giving people the impression that I am critical and judgmental of my friends, and the choices they make. It makes me sad to hear,
"I was afraid to tell you because I thought you'd be mad/disappointed."

I can understand why some of my friends that I made earlier in our high school years would feel this way. There was a time, when I had less clarity, that I would get mad about the things my friends did. I was upset that they were doing things I wasn't, I wanted to fit in, and I didn't know how else to express it but with anger. I didn't want to accept it. But I have long since come to terms with that. I realized that I couldn't make people choose the same thing as me. Since then, I had hoped to make people see that I was comfortable with their decisions. However, since this same old song and dance of "let's not tell Lauren" has carried into college, I feel like I need to say this:

Yeah, it's true that I don't drink. It's a personal decision that has proved to work for me and my lifestyle thus far. But it's not a big deal, I can still have fun and so can you. I like to hang out with you, whether you're drinking or not. You don't need to act awkward around me because I'm not drinking, you don't need to ask if I'm ok or having fun. Just treat me like you treat everyone else around. I don't know how else to tell you- I don't look down on anyone for making different choices. Our lives are our own, and we should make our own decisions. I'll worry about me, you worry about you.

The other day I was told, "you brought this on yourself." Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But I feel like this is such a minuscule thing. My choice regarding alcohol isn't the core of my personality- there's so much more to me than that.


Ok, I'm done.