Greetings from Montreal

where everyone speaks French and I don't.

But hey, it's going great here. People are bilingual here, so we haven't had any problems thus far. It just makes me feel lazy and uneducated, living in America where you don't start foreign language until middle school at the earliest. Being here has made me more prone to thinking in German, however. Whenever I want to say something to someone here, my mind translates it into German for no good reason.

Things are beautiful here. The weather has been pretty cooperative. The natives have told us that they get a lot of rain- but it doesn't last long. We've found it true- it pours for maybe 30 minutes then is gone for the rest of the day. Otherwise, it's been actually quite humid. Boys and girls where the same kind of pants here, and everyone wears Chuck Taylors or Vans. A lot of people have tattoos and many many many people smoke. As far as I've seen, they've got equal food portions to the States. Sure, they don't have the weight problem we have in the US, but pick your poison, you know. There are Hookah bars all over the place. Overall, this country is far more left than my own and I like it.

We're staying in a gorgeous penthouse apartment right over a park. The woman we rent from is very very funny. My family & I have been doing a lot of great stuff- lots of walking, eating and shopping. Today we visited a bio dome and ate lunch in a gay bar. I think it freaked my dad out.
It's trips like this, though, that i get along with my mother best. We're good travelers- we don't complain about walking, food or things being different from back home. Both my father and brother can come off as xenophobic...really. The best I can do is ignore it and enjoy this city while I'm here.

Every time I visit a new city, I wonder what it would be like to live there. It makes me want to travel more and settle a bunch of different places, call a lot of cities, states and country "home".
A girl can dream, can't she?

Thinking Outrageously,

(I write in cursive, I hide in my bed with the lights on the floor) <- I'm crazy about Sufjan Stevens right now, as well as crazy in general. It's almost 1 in the morning and I just curled my hair for fun. After posting this I'm going to bed.

I just had a really great conversation with one of my friends a little less than an hour ago. She had had a lot to drink, but we had a really honest, awesome conversation. She told me that she really respects me going to parties and just hanging out, even though I don't drink. We talked awhile about why I used to be so scared of my friends drinking, and she told me her perspective that had never occurred before. I told her the reason I used to be scared was that I was afraid they wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore because I didn't want to drink. I figured the reason they never told me when they partied is because having me there would be no fun and I would be upset. She told me that she thought I wouldn't be friends with them if they drank, so they didn't tell me to stay friends with me. I could tell she was being honest.

I guess I'd never thought that my friendship was so important that they wouldn't tell me. I thought it was because I was a cop's daughter and I could tell on them. I feel great to be accepted for who I am and what I choose to and not to do. Sure, I still get jokes like "spike her drink" and "miss morally conservative" but they don't mean as much as the affection, advice and friendship I get from this people. Situations like tonight are only awkward if you make them so. I didn't feel awkward and neither did they.

College is approaching so rapidly, I can't even believe it. I will restate, this summer has been awesome. I have had so much more fun than I ever thought I would. And now I'm heading off to school, which will be more fun. I'll be independent. Self sufficient. Man that feels great!

And since this is a blog about bettering one's self, I made a list of things I want to change in college:

-No more procrastination
-Stronger will power (ties into procrastinating. when i say 'I need to exercise', I need to. When I say 'I need to finish that project' I've got to do it!)
-Better study skills
-No more awkward/shy meeting people. Confidence!
-Find new ways to connect with people
-Either stick to my guns or change things up (stay strong if it's something I care about, but otherwise be easy going and try new things!)
-Be openminded
-Don't worry SO MUCH
-Less drama overall.

I'll tell you all how I do on this. I hope to continue blogging at school even though I'm busy. Perhaps not as frequent, but this would be a let down without a few college updates :P

I'm starting to get sleepy, so I will take my curled hair to bed now.

Love!

-Lauren

p.s. In case you were all wondering, the rest of CFV was awesome, as usual. We saw The Dark Night at a drive in theatre, ran a few laps in the pouring rain and I had an amazing walk/talk wiht my aunt Sara. Perhaps a picture montage will do next post?

The Chocolate Chicken

I write to you from a nice little place called the Chocolate Chicken in Egg Harbor, Door County. This town has 250 people in it. I am drinking an Italian soda and I am sore all over from all of the physical activity (kayaking, skiing, triathlons and sun bathing among them)

This week has been completely and 100% awesome. I don't have any complaints. I can't tell you how much I love my family. This has always been my favorite week in summer, and I can't see that changing anytime soon. These people know me best of all, and they know what's best for me. They always have my back, always. It's like having an Irish Mafia.

Last night we took our pick of things that belonged to DP. It's so easy to deny the truth and go with everything logical in my head- that she's alive and well and has way too much energy, vivacity and life in her to possibly die. And going through her things and picking something to keep was a real slap in the face. But it's something we all share and carry together, which makes it easier.
I chose a really great necklace that everyone says suits me. I hope so. I want to honor her in every way I can. It took me a long time to even follow what she told me on her death bed, but now that I can, it makes the healing process easier.

So for the rest of the week, we've got a drive in movie theatre trip planned, some more lounging (I am ridiculously tan), hopefully some shopping and more chatting with my family. Grandpa wants to teach me Euchre as well...

In other news, I got a new roommate (my other one switched out, but I think that's for the better) and I got a job on campus for the first semester of college labeling and filing audio cds for the college's music ensembles.

I'll be home for a few days, when I'll probably write more, then I'm off to Canada, after which I will definitely write more.

This summer is turning out to be totally awesome.

Open Eyes

I said not too long ago that I am now "wide awake". I believe this to be true. Sure, there are nights like last night (post kept up for growth comparison) but they've been far and few between. It has been a long time since I have felt like I felt last night, and my mom said that I would have good days and bad days on the road to recovery. She said even in being over it, there would still be bad days where things sting. I don't expect them to stop stinging for awhile.

I can look with a more open eye than before. I can see what would have upset me before and silently congratulate myself on it no longer being a big deal. I have become unbelievably laissaz-faire lately.
I remember crying to my mother in late May, distressed that I could never stand up for myself when I needed to. I could write it all down, but it could never come out right when I needed to say it. I was never strong enough.
"It's because you're talking with your heart and not your head," she said, "and your head is awfully strong, but your heart takes precedence in this matter. One day, your heart is going to be just as strong, and then he'd better watch out." I didn't believe her, but she was right. I still speak with my heart, but it's agreeing with my head these days. Bravo, heart, bravo.

This feeling of awareness is something so great, so needed and so refreshing. The closest thing I can describe it to is when medication that has been making you drowsy finally wears off. Sometimes, at little moments, I wish I could go back under to a more simple time and look at things the way I used to. But I guess in the end I never will because I know this is better for me.

Tonight I went to a baseball game with a friend of mine, his family and my family. It was a really great time-better than I thought it would be, for sure. My parents were really mad at each other & were fighting before hand. It made me real real glad I'm single, because it's nice to having to argue with anybody and just worry about myself. It was nice to go to a baseball game, hang out with my friend and not have to worry about attraction and relationships and the he said she said stuff in high school. It's refreshing to have a conversation with a guy that is actually back and forth and not just all him talking about himself, or all me talking about myself. I would love to spend the rest of the summer this way: hanging out with people that make me happy, and enjoying the time I have left with them before I leave for school.

Tomorrow I leave for the infamous CFV, where I live with over 30 members of my family for a week. It is my favorite part of summer. Internet access, as always, is questionable, but I think I'll bring my laptop anyway. It'll be nice to see everybody, especially my uncle Kevin, who I haven't seen since the Memorial.

Much love, everyone. It is almost 2 am and I am going to bed.

-Lauren

For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

A song by Paramore that you should listen to. Really puts things in perspective.

I'm learning to follow "Hakuna Matata" and put the past behind me. I'm learning to realize that we all make mistakes and we learn from them. But it is very, very upsetting when you find yourself wondering why the hell you put so much effort, care and love into something that was going to die.

One of my closest friends tried to make a show happen this summer. The rest of the cast (including me) didn't put into it what she put into it. And it died. It died because we didn't put in the love and effort and care that she did. And she suffered.

Now I know how she feels.


This entire time, I thought it just didn't work, even though we tried. Now I'm starting to think that I was the only one trying for a while. I was the one willing to make it work, trying to make it work. If it's any different, it sure would come as a suprise to me.

Man, I swear I was over the hill of this. I am moving forward, moving on, but I guess little stuff still hurts like hell when you pour salt in it. I put all that stuff away...but I didn't throw it away. I am almost to the point where I don't care about any of it anymore...yet it still hurts to think of all of my things as gone, thrown away or burned up. I've seen it happen before, and I guess I wouldn't be suprised if it happened to me.

I thought I said everything I needed to say. I thought I knew everything I needed to know.
But I don't know anything anymore.

And in the words of Avenue Q, there's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.

And then in dreaming...

The above is a picture of me and my cousins Robin and Elizabeth. We're choreographing some awesome song, by the way. When I look at this picture, my first thought is what was I wearing? (I am the one in the purple)
I find myself feeling that way a lot lately. I had a very difficult and trying senior voice recital on Sunday that took a lot of preparation and practice. Saturday night, I was plagued with a dream of no audience, forgetting gifts, not warming up, coming late, not knowing songs, etc. etc. When I woke up I realized how incredibly stupid it was to think things could go that wrong.


My point and comparison is this: I'm wide awake now, and I see things a whole lot clearer than I used to. And it's causing me to look at things with more scrutiny and ask "what the hell was I thinking?"

Back in 8th grade, we wrote ourselves letters we'd receive as seniors in high school. When I opened mine, I saw that I had written "welcome to yesterday" on it. Why did I feel the need to be so...thoughtful and philosophical? It just comes out looking like ridiculous. Oh yes, I was so thought provoking as a 14 year old girl who was "misunderstood".
And I'll probably look back on my 18 year old self with a sneer and think, "oh that girl was dumb. She didn't know what the hell she was doing."

But will I ever? I don't think we ever know.

At least I am starting to recognize dumb decisions, now that the stars are no longer circling my head. It just alarms me to think I was that dumb once, to say and do the things I did. Even last week, you know?
It's weird, growing up.

Forward

My new motto as well as my State's.

As this is a blog charting growth, I just want to acknowledge that I stepped outside my box tonight. Details aren't important: What is important is that I took a change I wouldn't usually and it paid off. That's good enough for me.

Looking back on the last few months I have written on this site, I am amazed at the progress I have made. I have been growing so much & didn't even realize it. I didn't see how stagnant I was before all of this change occurred in my life. I've got a lot of people to thank, for helping me through the transition. But I believe I am doing alright without the training wheels now. I'm ready to get back on the metaphorical big kid's bike.

The ability to love immensely is a double edged sword. Things hurt worse, when you're emotional. But I've found that my ability to love has helped me recover as well. I can love myself, and I'll never be afraid to love others. So even after being burned (perhaps its what one needs to wake up once in a while), I know I'll get back in eventually. Because I'm ok now, and that's exactly where I want to be.

I can finally do what Diana asked of me, and that feels best of all.

Thank you, to all of you readers for every single comment, word of encouragement and message. You are the ones that make me want to continue this blog (and the journey, I guess. You help me see that change is good)

Something Brewing

I've been restless lately. That's the best way I can think to describe it. I feel the need to write, create, do. I've got energy and I want to use it in a positive way. I feel like I am wasting my summer away. It has gotten a little better, now that I've started working more.
(Oh, and I had my final tests in lifeguarding today, and I am now certified to guard people's lives.)

I've been having really deep discussions with a friend of mine lately, who continues to encourage me to step out of my box and do something exciting. I have always been a rule following, "think of the consequences" kind of person. I always dip my toes in before jumping.

Am I enjoying life? Am I living the way I'm supposed to?

I'm not saying I want to put myself in a dumb, dangerous situation. I need to start thinking for myself. I make so many decisions to avoid conflict and make other people happy. In one of my long conversations with my friend I asked, "what is it you want most right at this moment?"
The question was then turned on me. I said, "I want to stay happy." What I meant by it was, 'I'm happy now, and I want to stay this way for awhile'

I got, "you can't always be happy" in reply. So I turned the question in its original direction and then got, "something unexpected" in reply.

Maybe I should be wishing for that too. It could be what I need. There's a lull in the way I've been living. I think I need to start making moves I wouldn't normally make, to explore and to learn. I've always been cautious. And in 50 years, what will I have to show for it?

I like battle scars.

p.s. I'm starting to feel alive again. Parts of me that were lost are coming back, and I am not as scared as I used to be. I think that deserves honorable mention.