Things I Did My Freshman Year of College

In review...


- Wrote Grade A papers the night before they were due

- Worked on both President Barack Obama and 93rd Assemblymen Jeff Smith's campaigns...and succeeded



-Kept my values

-Purchased Something Completely Ridiculous



-Lived well with an awesome randomly assigned Roomie & never fought once.

-Went Certifiably Nuts





-Recorded a demo

-Got hired as a Resident Assistant

-Painted Two Murals





- Done a Paid Gig, Open Mic and Karaoke on the Campus Mall 3 minutes before Math Class

- Found a new a capella group

- Found Paradise



- Saw the cutest guys ever (in Paradise!)

- Saw Elephants, Baboons AND Penguins having sex (in Paradise!)


- Went to a dance better than any High School Prom...twice! (The Viennese Ball)

- Made lasting friendships

- Found a better idea of who and what I want to be...




;)

Nothing I Need to Say But Will Say Anyway

I think there is a reason that you cut off old ties after awhile. It's just not who I am anymore. I sat around tonight playing Apples to Apples with old friends, having a good time with everyone but myself. I continued talking, joke making doing and saying things I would have done a year ago. But that it is not who I am.

Shamelessly mentioning random things about South Africa just so, on some level of my consciousness, I want someone to ask me about it, so I can share it. So I can tell people how much it's changed me. But having no way to do it but randomly mentioning it. And it gives the appearance of not having appreciated the trip on any level but as a tourist. And it was so much more than that. I have to give my experiences, and God, more credit than that. I need to give myself, or who I am becoming, more credit. Because I really like that girl. She's smart, caring, strong, willful, wise(r) and even a little random (haha) And I feel like that girl, that woman, has a much better shot at making things work than the person I was. Because who I was is a stepping stone to who I am becoming.

But it's so easy to slip into who I was! It's like only my toes peek out at the end of the covers, but it's uncomfortable enough to know I need a new bed. A few years back, when auditioning for one of many musicals, I saw myself like Jo March- loud, obnoxious but incredibly determined. Now I'm starting to see more admirable qualities into the role I was put in, the role of Beth - caring, selfless, reasonable. A Quiet Riot (like one of my role models back at school)

However, I do feel like things are starting to come full circle in a very nice fashion. I've grown enough that I can handle things I couldn't before. I've gone through a ridiculous maze of emotions and come out the other side feeling the same ease and comfort I started with. And I really want to keep it that way. Some of the things I used to view as so wrong are turning out the be right (at least, I hope they are. They feel right, now that I'm older). My "clay" method is becoming more and more defined and fulfilling in my life. Today, as I was worrying myself away over a Hamlet audition I was offered at 10:53 pm last night, I turned (as I always do) to my bible to see what the man upstairs has to offer. And I turned to a random page, ended up concentrating on a verse that read, "Yet O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hands" (Isaiah 64:8) and it just solidified my earlier thinking. That things are put in my path by His design for only reason He knows.

And I think Him :)

I've been given so many chances at happiness. I am so, so lucky.


Peace & Love,

Lauren

Home

So I'm back in my hometown (where memories are fresh) <-- too much Adele
and things are weird, as I imagined them to be.

Time goes so much faster with nothing to do at home than it does at school. It's already Memorial Day weekend, and this weekend felt like AGES after Syttende Mai weekend. And that was a blink of an eye ago.

This week has been a huge up and down of emotions. Funeral, awesome concert in Chicago (GO CHECK OUT MAE at www.whatismae.com NOW!) Bike ride that makes my muscles ache, lots of lifeguarding...yeah. I feel out of place.
I'm not quite a stranger, not quite a member. How odd.

Is this what a quarter life crisis feels like? I've been having a hard couple of days dwelling on the prospects of the afterlife. As Jesse Lacey rights, "Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after." That about sums it up and I am really done being alone inside my head freaking out about it.
Because it's been on my mind most of the time the last few days. Talk about wasting time with things you can't control.

What's more of a waste of time? Thinking about that, or not thinking about it? Oy.


My relatives are on the way as a pit stop to our final destination for my cousin's grad party tomorrow. Lots of cleaning. Oy again.

Suddenly I See (This is Who I Want to Be)

I'm about to go to bed. I was doing the "what can I check online to procrastinate sleeping?" (because I'm tired but not) when I realized I haven't been here in quite some time.

I haven't written in my journal in an even longer time- since I came back from Africa.
I suppose that's a testament to how busy I have been, between 15 page papers, Environmental projects for Earth Algebra, watching all 240 episodes of Friends in a year and general music major stuff.

Today was the last Monday of my Freshman year of college. What an amazing, whirlwind year it's been. I understand so, so much now. There are things one can't fathom until they get here. I remember someone talking about having a hard time being outgoing in college, that they really had to muster up courage to ask a stranger, "do you mind if I sit at this table?" And I thought, "That won't be me. I won't ever need to do that."
And then I was here, and I was the shyest I've ever been (save for summer camp at age 13, perhaps?)in my life. It took me an entire semester to show the music department who I was, and now I have friends, an a capella ensemble, a small act in Cabaret next winter, a spot in both Concert Choir and Chamber Choir and respect.
But those are small things in comparison to the rest.

My trip to Africa was, at this moment, the greatest and most fulfilling experience of my life. I learned so much about God, the world, and myself when I was there. I felt like I was the best person I've ever been when I was there. Like the people I met and the places I saw made me open myself more, made me want to give more. The feeling is settling, I'm becoming comfortable in Wisconsin again, and it's frightening me. I don't want it this way. I need to feel the fire again, that itching at the tip of my fingers.

I can honestly say I know myself better now, and I like who I'm becoming. I add the "ing" because I'm not there yet. I have no idea who He wants me to be, but I keep hoping it works.

I have some really fantastic friends. We sat down the other day and planned our summers. We are meeting up this summer at each other's houses once. Kayla's in June (to visit the Waterpark she works at) Caitlin's for Summerfest for July, My house for camping and Shauna's for "hick-ish debauchery" in August. Along with CFV, those weekends are the highlights of my summer.

I re-wrote the ending to my song "Enough" the other day, and it felt great. I sang it as a "small act" for the Audacious concert (female A-Capella, my own piece of Divine at UWEC) and felt the need to change it. While the ever changing words have reflected the journey I've gone through as a person, they needed to make one final shift. And I think they'll stay as they are.

(Ann, I'm sure you're reading this, so I'll jog you're memory. It's the sad one I sang at the end of my recital last July)
The end, before talked about forgiveness, patience and continuing love.

("This can't be the end, there's so much left to say that I can't ignore. Just show me who you are and you'll always be enough for me, so now, though I don't want to be, I'm always by your side if you need me, love")
And while these are good qualities, they don't reflect what the song means to me anymore. It needed to be about the strength I have developed as a person. It makes me think of DP.

The ending, with no hard feelings meant, now goes like this:

This can be the end, there's nothing left to say that I can't ignore
You can't help what doesn't fit, and I have had enough of you and me
So now I'm where I want to be, I don't need you by my side to feel loved.

Ain't it the truth? :)



(FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Celia, my French roomie-to-be; Caitlin, Shauna, Kayla and Me (with a Djembe that I played!)