On My Sleeve

And here's some more soul vomiting.

I've started taking some ownership over this blog, since it's original purpose seems like it's not working so well.

So I guess this is where I get to share some ideas, feelings and inklings and (with hope) get some feedback.

So here's some more thoughts about virginity, sex, love and the whatnot.

A friend of mine told me she lost hers earlier this week. She waited to tell me until now, Friday, because she was worried I would be upset/angry/etc. etc.

That itself wounds more than the actual information she withheld. For being a "best friend" I was completely left out of a huge thing in her life. It's sad to feel like my personality/convictions are getting in the way of our friendship & that she doesn't know me well enough to know that I wouldn't hold her choices against her.

So even though she lost it to someone she told me she isn't in love with, I'm not mad or upset or anything. She's a young woman who can make her own decisions. I don't know how she'll feel down the road, but I'll be there for her when things get rough.

I'm just starting to realize I chose a socially difficult path. Which is ok with me, and very much so worth it.
Yet it makes me feel numb sometimes. And scared.

When I first started dating I assumed a lot of people were waiting and that my decision wasn't out of the ordinary. I had no problem telling my boyfriend "I'm waiting until marriage" because I know he felt that way too.
When the next guy comes along, I don't know what he'll think. He may believe the same, he may not.

No matter what, my decision is on my sleeve. When you are in a relationship with someone (or even just dating someone, these days) sex comes up in conversation eventually. It's going to be on the table- I'm going to have to bring up my choice eventually. And hopefully, whoever I date will be cool with it.
I just don't want them to feel obligated, you know? As in "I can't get in Lauren's pants unless I give her a ring. And I want to have sex, so I guess I'll tell her I want to be with her for a long time."

I know this won't happen with the right guy- the right guy will understand and (I imagine) will feel the same way. I'm just scared to go through all the heartache of the wrong guy(s) that could hold it against me. Saying that they felt "pushed" into marriage, when really all I've been trying to do is hold onto my morals.

My mom told me when I was younger that there are two types of girls: girls you date and girls you marry. Mom says I'm the marrying type. That's just who I am. I'm a Jackie, not a Marilyn. And I'm ok with that, I just don't want guys to push me off as a frigid bitch for not being easier.

It's all worth putting up with for a guy who will understand. Yet, even guys that understand will probably feel pressure, even though I'm not pushing it. It's aggrivating. I want to keep my morals (I will) because I think it's romantic and right to share sexual intercourse with only one person. I plan on it...I'm just worried about the pain my decision might cause.

It's worth it, though.


p.s. "Even if it Kills Me" is an awesome album. I could post lyrics on this blog all day, i swear.

Intimidation Factor

What makes a person intimidating? Why should anyone feel lesser to anyone else if we are all the same in God's eyes?
Why the hierarchy of power?

This isn't random, I am coming from somewhere.

Here's the story: Yesterday I was contemplating on some things I was displeased with. To make a long story short, interactions between my ex-boyfriend and I have go back and forth between "awesome" and "awkward" and it's frustrating not knowing why.

I finally resolved myself to "perhaps there needs to be more time before friendship" and dialed the number- only to find that I can never be as assertive as I need to be.

So why? What causes that intimidation? Why am I scared to stand up to him lately? (it's been like this the last few months, even before we broke up) Is it the desire to avoid conflict and fighting? I hate fighting. I don't like yelling and anger and all that. Is it fear that it'll all end?
I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for, I know what I want and what I need, but I can never find it in me to stand up for myself when I need to.

I think if I actually got enough (enough what? courage? no. something else...) balls up to say what I need to say, it would surprise everyone.

Part of being intimidated is not having enough faith in myself. I need to be ready to take chances (make mistakes and get messy!) I remember when my best friend used to tell me "don't be a doormat. Lauren, you're better than that. Don't second guess how you feel, you know what you need to do."
And I have gained a lot of confidence over the years. I can honestly say I love and respect myself. If I think whoever I'm talking to is better than me, then that's how it'll turn out. I need to stop doing that. This blog is called Project: What I Want to Be. This is about change and growth. I want to stop being a doormat and start standing up for myself. I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore.

I think another part of it is a lack of respect I receive. When one is not respected, it is obvious. When one is not given the time of day, it is clear to both people in the conversation. Yet, I cannot make people respect me. I don't know if there's anything I've done to lose respect lately, but I don't feel I have. If anything, I feel I have become a more respectable person in the last few months of growth. If I'm not taken seriously, I need to make sure I am.

So what can I do to make sure people listen to what I have to say? Be respectful, be assertive, be clear and articulate with what I have to say. Speak from the heart, speak with reason. Listen to the other person, but make sure that they hear you too. And if they don't, walk away. It's not worth it at that moment.
People who don't think for themselves aren't worth my time, I wrote at age 15. And it is still true.

I think emotionally. I go where my heart takes me. I embrace feeling and sometimes thinking. Only sometimes ;)
It's a double edged sword, being compassionate. You love an immense amount, but there's some pain that comes with being hurt so easily. Yet, I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm still young, and I embrace it. I am 18 years old and have (hopefully) many, many more years to gain experience. If I make a mistake, I make a mistake. I'll probably make many. But I'll learn from them.

The only changing I'm going to do is going to come from myself and God. God is the only true judge of my character. Every other view is subjective.

I remember years ago at age 16, when I was someone else, how vulnerable I was to change. I was SO self-conscious and worried about people liking me. I was scared that I was "annoying" or that I "talked too much". I used to post blogs on myspace asking people to tell me if I was annoying.
One person finally told me this: I love you Lauren. Really. Take a breather. And you know, stop worrying so much about how other people think. You're you, and you shouldn't try to change that. You say that you can't, so try listening to yourself a bit. Turns out your advice isnt' too shabby.

Jessy, if you ever read this, know that I partially have you to thank for making me a stronger person. I love you more than you know :)

And over two years I have come to these conclusions:

1. People like me much better as myself, even when I am "annoying" and "talk too much"
2. There is a difference between changing one's behavior and one's character. If someone says, "Hey Lauren, it really bothers me when you only talk about your problems when I call you. I want to talk about other stuff" that's changing behavior. I'm ok with trying to fix that. What I'm not ok with is someone saying, "I don't like this part about you. You should fix it because it bothers me."
One man's trash is another's treasure. If I cut off a part of me for one person, it could change my relationship with another. Do I want to change myself so others will like me? Nope. I am who I am, ladies and gentlemen, and what's at my core is here to stay.
And one day I'll KNOW it's worth it because I'm going to knock the socks of a man who will appreciate and respect me every day of my life. When the time's right.

I stand firmly by my belief that no person has the right to tell another to change who they are.

And you know what the greatest, greatest part is? I'm only 18. If I discovered this in two years, imagine what I'll do in twenty. *grins*

-Lauren

post script - come on folks, I KNOW you've got stuff to say about this one. I'd love some feedback and discussion :)

Clear heads and sore throats

So I did delete last night's invective. I figure I can be a bit more mature than that. I was angry when I wrote it, so the swear words and harsh tone were unnecessary. The message of me needing to stick to my guns, of course, still stands. I should have handled it better- when I let things bottle up, they really bottle.

The best way I can handle my interactions with other people is calmly and rationally. I didn't think I'd need to, but I guess another talk about "the rules" is in order. But those kinds of conversations are better done in person, not over blog ranting.

I went to a really awesome show tonight and I had a really great time. I've got some new bands I'll have to tap into (Phantom Planet and more of the Hush Sound) and I got to see Motion City Soundtrack live, which I've been aching to since I discovered them in 2004.
And yes, they are as awesome live as they are on their albums.

Their music feels soooo good, even though it reminds me of older days and things that aren't around anymore. Songs off their new album (Even if it Kills Me, go buy it!) particularly "Antonia" "It Had to Be You" and "This is For Real" are a little like salt in fresh wounds.

I jumped until my side ached and screamed until my throat is sore. But they played "The Future Freaks Me Out" so it's all good.

(Panic! At the Disco also played, and they were alright. I'm not huge into their first album, but from what I heard of the second, it sounded pretty good. They claim a lot of Beatles influence on that one)

We had to run 15 blocks in the pouring rain (lightening too!) to get back to the car, so we were soaked when we got there. Like, really, no dry spots anywhere.
But I laughed and laughed and was happy to be alive. We listened to Disney songs on the way home (Aladdin, Mulan and the Lion King on Zach's ipod) and sang with what voices we had left.

Despite what I've lost, memory remains. I've got a good life. I guess Justin Pierre words it best- "this is the best thing that I've ever had for real"

I feel like I'm at the academy awards

A few people I'd like to thank, because I'm in that kind of mood.

Most of them are teachers and mentors.

First is of course, Diana. My dearest aunt, you helped shaped the way I look at the world. You showed me the beauty in nature, friendship, and love. You were true to yourself and encouraged me to become a strong, independent woman.

Next, I've got to thank Keeney. Mr. Keeney, for those of you who don't know him, is one of the greatest profound men I know. He's kind of the wise and eminent sage of my high school. He's my AP Literature & Composition teacher. He has encouraged me, from the get go, to turn my "crap detector on" which has transcended to more than just reading literature- it's helped me to see through excuses, masks, false presences and the lot (from both myself and others). He's helped me to become a more authentic person, because I've seen just how ugly inauthentic can be. With his help, I've become a more observant person. I can argue my beliefs better, because as any deconstructionalist would say, all points are valid points.

I'm thinking I've got to thank VanVeghel too. She's my bio teacher, and man is she straightforward with stuff. I enjoy her class because she doesn't treat us like kids. She respects us and talks to us like adults. She don't take no crap from nobody, and although I am still struggling with doing so, I like following her example. She gives good advice. She's helped me to believe I'm better than the crap I put up with.

Then there's Mr. Wiemer, coolest math teacher and advice giver ever. Seriously. I stay after school sometimes just talking to Wiemer about stuff. He's insightful on a lot of things. He's truthful- he doesn't sugarcoat anything, he just says what I need to hear. And that I really, really appreciate. The last few months have been less than great, and he didn't baby anything. He told the truth, even when I didn't want to hear it.

There are a lot of other people who have shaped my life for the better, and you know who you are. I could take a thousand blogs thanking people, but I wanted to take the time to just write out who I wanted to thank most and this moment of time. These people have been especially helpful lately, so don't feel left out, kids :)

I'm thinking I'm in a better place now than I was a month ago, two months ago, even three months ago. I am who I am and I am settled with that. I like it. I'm going to go off to college in the fair city of Eau Claire and it will be swell. I'll change, grow, learn and whatnot and something great will happen.

Just thought I'd share the warm fuzzies.

lol

This is from a webcomic called Octopus Pie

I saw this today and giggled because this totally happened to me not long ago, and it's nice to find connection to other people in small amounts.

I'm too tired for titles

Whenever I'm feeling blue, I look back on better days. I listen to the music my friends put on cds, I read old letters, look at old pictures, or watch silly videos made to cheer me up, and I imagine everyone cheering me on. "You can do it! Up and at 'em, kid!" That stuff.

I try not to think that it's all a giant head trip, that it's really other people being there for me.

Lately, I've been having really wonderful, awful reoccuring dreams. They went away for a little while, but I had another one last night and it's starting to make me feel like I'm not in control of my own thoughts and feelings. I should be- I know I should be. And it's making it much harder to drag myself out of these funks, since waking up in the morning gets harder.

How do you smash these melancholy moods? I should be making the most of my time right now, instead of the emo trip.

My usuals aren't working today. Any lovely suggestions?

I Promised

I know a lot of things happened since then, but awhile ago I promised that I'd put this up. (It was somewhere in this entry)

Good Times
(author unknown at the moment)

So long, So soon, So Short
Goodbye
For you were away
Let's hope not too long

Such a distance we have
So far away
If I could bring us all closer
I would do so today

How we've changed
How we've aged
How we've grown and matured
And words that are no passed
Are now heard

From top to bottom
Things are still the same
Good friends
Good times
Good thoughts
Good days

All we have to hold on to
Are the words
The impressions
The new things we've learned
The good times
A smile or two
And the love between us all
Which we have truthfully earned

So amongst our journeys
And numerous tasks that we do
please look back
And remember this too

Good times
Good friends
Good thoughts
Good days
It's all we have as we part our ways.

I suppose it's comforting to think that I'm not the only one feeling a tish bit nostalgic about this?

-Lauren

post script- where are all the comments going? have I gotten that boring? ;) Wouldn't kill you to say a word or two, y'know...

Bittersweet Symphony

Tonight was my last concert ever with Madison Youth Choir. After nine years, it may be the last time I ever see any of them again.
That's sad and scary and strange and...mergh. Only word to describe it right now.

And yet I didn't cry as much as I expected to. I cried during "Sisters" (the song we sing at the end of every rehearsal) but that was it. After that I did more comforting than anything else. Why? Why wasn't I ridiculously emotional like I was at Madrigals this year? or like I was last year, and the year before? What made tonight different?
It was the same at the Sacred concert. I expected to bawl and I didn't. A few little tears but that was it.

What does that mean about me? Am I "toughening up"? and is that a good thing?

Worth waiting for

I've always grown up with good values and morals in my household. My parents have done a really great job with that.
But there's something great about making them your own.

When I was thirteen years old, a man named Jeff Lovell came into my Family & Consumer Education class to talk about how to have the greatest sex of your life. He talked about how wonderful it was to wait until marriage- how important it was to save yourself for the person that's right for you, because they can save themself for you too.
Jeff Lovell changed my life that day.

I guess I had always expected to "wait until marriage", but that day was the first time I really assessed why and whether or not I really wanted to. And I decided that I did, and I have stuck with that since.

A lot of my friends have lost their virginity. Some to people they love, some to people they didn't. A good friend of mine who was once on the same thought track as me just lost hers- and I'm not mad/dissapointed/blah blah blah, it just makes me think harder about my situation.
Is someone waiting for me?

This diffuses directly into my thoughts of dating. After a year and seven months with someone I really fell in love with, I need to take a good long look at what's going on in my life. I am trying to figure out where I stand.

I do not/never have believe/believed in casual dating. It has never made sense to me why people "only date for the summer" or go on dates with numerous people. I would rather have commitment.
YET I don't...I don't want to get married anytime in the near future. I (we) talked myself (ourselves) sick about it and now I see how dangerous it is to make plans for one other person. That's not the path I want to be on right now. I don't want to go out LOOKING for love. I just want it to happen, like it did for Caleb and I.

So since I'm not looking for marriage but I don't want to casually date/be in a relationship without love, where does that leave me? To not dating/being in relationships at all? I don't want to push myself into anything. I don't want to lead any guy on into thinking I'm ok with dating if I'm not.
But I don't want to limit my options either.

I guess the best thing to resolve myself to is to do nothing about it. There is a time for everything, and there will be a time for dating and courtship and marriage. When something happens, I'll know. Until then, I'll just concentrate on living life, spending time with my friends and family. No need to look for things. They're worth waiting for.

Scream your heart out

I want to live every second of my life.

It's so easy to fall into a sleep of life- I want to be awake every second. Whether I be living it in society or not, I want to be awake. I want it all to be real: the joy, the pain, the triumphs, the tragedy.

I've got one shot at this life thing. I want to make the most of it. I am burning with the desire to achieve.

"If you realize that all things change,
there is nothing you will try to hold on to.
If you aren't afraid of dying,
there is nothing you can't achieve.

Trying to control the future
is like trying to take the master carpenter's place.
When you handle the master carpenter's tools,
chances are that you'll cut your hand."
- Lao Tzu

Remembering

Despite everything crappy, I have a good life. There's a lot of great people, and I really don't to take them for granted. So the next time I get angry, upset, or worse stop appreciating those people in my life, I can look back and remember. And I can slap myself silly.

My momma broke her finger today. Sadness on Mother's Day :( I hope she knows how much we love her.

So, about yesterday. I think I can really say that this is the hardest thing I've been through, ever. The memorial service was really, really difficult to get through. It hurt so bad, but it felt good to see so many people there who loved Diana. It felt good to see how many people's lives she touched- I want to dedicate my life to helping people, to loving people the way she did.
I have never seen a greater loved shared than the love between Diana and Kevin.
I would love to share further thoughts with you on this, but I would rather do it on a one-to-one basis. It's a lot of fond memories and thoughts that I would feel more comfortable saying to one person at a time than as an "announcement" of sorts. Nomesayin? So feel free to shoot me an email about it, or give me a call if I happen to know you. I miss phone calls- I used to get them a lot.

Tonight was my last night of Madison Youth Choir rehearsal. Nine years- that's half my life I've been going to rehearsals on Sunday nights. It's so weird to be "done" with something like that, something that's been a part of me for so long. I love our choir- we're close, and it's something you don't get in school choirs. And next year we'll be scattered to the winds.
We've got school tours and our final "goodbye" concert next weekend (St. Luke's Church, Middleton, WI at 7:00PM and FREE) so we sang through some pieces from last semester. We did a five movement "love song" at the beginning of the year that once spoke volumes and volumes of my life. The music does as well. Go Eric Whitacre. Now it speaks echoes, but remembering is nice.
I thought I'd share them:

I.
A picture is engraved in my heart;
Moving between light and darkness:
A sort of silence envelopes your body,
And your hair falls upon your face just so.

II.
Light bride
She is all mine,
And lightly
She will kiss me!

III.
"Mostly," said the roof to the sky,
"the distance between you and I is endless;
But a while ago two came up here,
And only one centimeter was left between us."

IV.
What snow!
Like little dreams
Falling from the sky.

V.
He was full of tenderness;
She was very hard.
And as much as she tried to stay thus,
Simply, and with no good reason,
He took her into himself,
And set her down
In the softest, softest place.

- Hila Plitmann

Thoughts, anyone?

Recalibration

As stated before, this blog needs to go back to what it's supposed to be.

Lately, it's been all venting, which is healthy, but not really the purpose of this blog. The purpose of this blog was the sharing of thoughts, experiences, dreams and goals. When I figured out people were reading and commenting, I started relying more on "good job", when it was really meant to inspire others. I would love for my passion for life to be contagious.

So no more pity parties. I don't want to be a victim- I want to learn and be stronger. The funny thing about being a victim/ complaining is that the biggest hope in doing it is not pity, but to have a knight in shining armor fix it. I'm all out of ideas of how to solve my own problems, so I've been letting myself become a victim.
No more. If you've ever seen the movie Catch Me If You Can, there's a great line about two mice falling into a bucket of cream. One gives up and drowns, but the other works so hard, he turns the cream into butter and walks out.
I want to be that mouse.

Lately I've been feeling really lazy, and unsettled about it. The more I study Bio, the more worried I become about the environment. Humans are really messing things up, and our society is doing nothing about it. That's unsettling. There's tons of injustice everywhere I turn (starting with the teachers of my town going 200+ days without a contract) and yet I'm doing nothing about it.
Why? My eyes have been opened to things that can't be unseen and sitting around is the wrong thing to do. But what is the right thing? That's the predicament. What's the right thing to do about it.

And here's the next question: Am I really seeing it for myself, or am I letting other people affect me? Is this me speaking, or other people? And if I am indeed just taking ideas from those around me, is that bad? Why does one feel some kind of guilt for copying or using someone else's ideas? I don't want to "not join in" for the sake of being a "nonconformist", but I don't want to mindlessly follow someone else or walk down someone else's path. I need to find my own calling. I know that God is going to ask something great of me, I just have to wait until I know what it is. In the meantime, I feel like I'm missing out or not doing good enough because I'm doing nothing while I'm waiting.

I've discussed, both seriously and not so seriously, taking myself out of society. Being more in-touch with my transcendentalist thoughts and live in the woods like Thoreau. My friends and I talk about starting a commune somewhere in the middle of nowhere because of the ridiculousness of society at times. Yet, I have a strong desire to fix it. I have a passion for government and politics, because I believe it is our right and duty to do better than what's currently going on. Again with the teaching- I want to teach, because I feel that the future begins with kids. They are the future. I want this world to be a better place for people now, and people years and years for now. And if I can help, I will. Going away is selfish- I'd be doing it for my gain, when there are so many other people in the world who I could help. So why not help them?
Again with the waiting. I'm so antzy!

Back to changes in others. I think we all worry about the "holier than thou" factor- that factor of condescension. Whether it's keeping up with the Joneses or our own self-consciousness, we never like that feeling of "falling behind". When someone else makes some big choice that is so drastically different, why do we want to follow? When my friends started drinking, I wanted to follow so badly- I didn't want there to be a wall of difference between us. I didn't want to be looked down upon because of my choice. It's that fear of not feeling special or important to them anymore- of being left behind.
Which has happened before. It's a real, legitimate fear. One moment they say "I don't care if you do or not" then the next, you get pressed to change. Why can't we accept each other for who we are?
I guess I need to keep in mind that the people that really do matter & love, love unconditionally and don't leave you behind.

I've learned somewhere over the years that no one is out of anyone else's league. Relationships (platonic and otherwise) are about two people with common interest in each other- there are things that just shouldn't matter. I hate hearing, "you're too good for this person" or "she's not good enough for him", when really, it's about compatibility. People wrong other people, people hurt other people. Some people don't deserve to be treated the way they are, but no one is above anyone else in deserving of love.
Everyone deserves love, because God loves all.

-Lauren Elizabeth

postscript- Tomorrow is Diana's memorial service. Depending on how it goes, my thoughts may be posted. They may be sad. Or perhaps they'll stay in my book. I want to keep this focused, but I don't want to exclude it from my own soliloquy here. :)

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark

I want to get out of here. I want to get out of here. I want to get out of here.

My family is renting itself apart.

I don't think my dad realizes how much it hurts when he talks about how he doesn't like my mother's family. It hurts me, my mother, my brother. And he doesn't feel bad expressing how bad it is.

I want a barrier, I want to be rescued, I don't want this to hurt anymore.

I feel like I have no one, in this house or anywhere else.

Wearing Someone Else's Shoes

The closer and closer I get to the end of the year, the more foreign I feel...yet the more natural I feel.

There is some kind of "right of passage" in high school. It's beyond words, but I'll try.

Mostly, it's observation and memory that makes me feel this way. Today in the library, I saw a somewhat gross upperclassmen (one of the constantly skipping, non applying kind) giving a hug to a freshman, who seemed to know him only slightly. I felt this way freshman year, with one of my friend's older brothers and his friends. I received that kind of dog-like "good freshman" hugs and I recognized the facial expression of the girl as one I've carried. It was a "it's nice to have the upperclassmen attention, just not this kind of attention" . Man, I've come a long, long way since then. I was never to found of asking "how high?" when they said "jump."

I've taken two of my three AP tests this week. (Calculus and English Literature & Composition, in case you're curious. I'll be lucky to pull off a 3 in Calc and I'm pushing for a 4 in Lit, if you're really curious). Bio's next week. Suprisingly, I got a 5 on the practice test last week...even though I keep failing all my tests in class...hmm.

But tangent aside, it's strange taking these AP tests. I remember taking U.S. History last year, and it seems so...easy. No offense to juniors taking the test tomorrow. I remember being in THOSE shoes. I remember Seniors taking tests and having final projects. I remember helping film a calculus final project. Were they able to taste graduation like I am? Did they have this mixed feelings of wanting to get the hell out but never leave. It is really starting to hit home- after high school comes real life. I may never see some of these people again...ever.

I looked through my yearbook yesterday, pondering these thoughts. I found the novel Caleb wrote me in the back (as only boyfriend and girlfriend can write) and smiled at it, yet ached with it. There were a lot of memories buried in there- Jazz, Madrigals, How to Succeed In Business, POPS. And more than the talk of marriage or the thanks for being an anchor, one line hit me harder then the rest: "Through the 'hard times', I'll stay. I see two lovers, sitting in sunlight, blowing dandelion seeds out of sight. Nothing comes between us now- you're locked in my arms now."
I need to stop arguing and start accepting. It makes me wonder what would have happened if it was I that went of to college and he was left here. I see how much I was/am in control. At the start of it all I said "yes" all over. I chose to open up knowing that I was putting my head in the guillotine. And I think I'm still in charge- whenever people give me advice, I nod and listen to them but I (head and heart, which are two very separate beings right now) need to decide to do it.
And I (head and heart) have decided to stop thinking so much. Dwelling's no good and I can make it. I don't know what's up the road ahead, but for now, I've got to think about now. And the current "now" is a Mini-Project for Government that was due today. Ugh, gag me.

I don't want to reflect negatively on my Senior year when I look back. I hope that I can acknowledge the hardships but think positively with the knowledge that it made me stronger.

Next post will be more focused, I promise. I just wanted to get all that out before it consumed me. This is about growing, after all.

The Giving Tree

By Shel Silverstein

One of my childhood favorites. This is one of those books that shaped who I am, along with I Love you Forever (Robert Munsch), The Polar Express (Chris VanAllsburg) and Goodnight Opus (Berkeley Brethed)
Here we are:

Once there was a tree...and she loved a little boy. And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forest. He would climb her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. And they would play hide-and-go-seek. And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. And the boy loved the tree...very much. And the tree was happy.
But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often left alone.


Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade and be happy."
"I am too big to climb and play," said the boy. "I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?"
"I'm sorry, " said the tree, "but I have no money. Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy." And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away. And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away from a long time...and the tree was sad. And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy. "I want a house to keep me warm," he said. "I want a wife and I want children and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?"
"I have no house," said the tree. "The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy."
And so the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house. And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak. "Come, Boy," she whispered, "come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play," said the boy. "I want a boat that will take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk and make a boat," said the tree. "then you can sail away...and be happy." And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away.

And the tree was happy...but not really.

And after a long time the boy came back again. "I am sorry, Boy," said the tree, "but I have nothing left to give you- My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them-"
"I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone," said the tree, "you cannot climb-"
"I am too tired to climb," said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something...but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump. I am sorry..."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy, "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.

And the tree was happy.

It happened to be Diana's favorite book too. That explains a lot about her. I miss her.

I wish moods like this could last forever

I am in a really awesome, clearheaded mood right now and I really wish I could keep this. For the amount of time I've spent hurting lately (especially today's been rough) this mood is the greatest thing ever.

It's a sense of strength, faith and peace that I have been searching for. I think Diana sent it. I was talking to her today, asking all of those questions I really need answers to, hoping to receive some kind of message from her. She was always such a strong woman - smart, quick witted and observant. She had what my lit teacher so fondly calls "the crap detector" turned on all the time. And tonight, I'm pretty sure she was telling me not to put up with a bunch of crap. I heard three consecutive songs on the radio that all made me think of her and they were all motivational.

I have nothing to lose by moving forward and looking ahead. That's what she wants me to do. That's what she told me to do, the last day I saw her.

So I'm really going to take some time for myself. I'm going to try to concentrate on my school work, my family and my faith. Especially the latter. I've been developing theories (I guess you could call them that) about faith lately. Perhaps I'll post them here.

I really hope I feel this way tomorrow.

490

I have a new goal: No more brash decisions. The two decisions in my capacity seem to be:
1. Brash decisions
2. Indecisive, Procrastinated decisions

No good, guys.

Lately, I've been trying to numb myself. There's just so much that I feel, I feel like I'll have a system overload. I imagine myself pulling thoughts and feelings out of my head like tapeworms.
Yet pretending things aren't there is no good. I never talk to my school guidance counselor, but the other day I did. She told me not to bury this stuff. Let it hurt.

Diana's death is so unreal to me. When will it become real? The funeral? I'd like to think she's with me now, pointing out the Robins and how gorgeous the tulips are this time of year.

I feel pathetic spending more time on my good ol' "you've been dumped" roller coaster than mourning for a family member. But I guess you've got to get through the little stuff before the big stuff?
And I guess I'm not giving my roller coaster credit either- it's more than being dumped. It wasn't a high school relationship. It was 19 months of light years more.

I would love to cut this off and ignore it like I do everything else, but this hurt isn't following the rules. It bugs the crap out of me.
I'm starting more and more to realize just how much I've really lost my best friend. He's changed, and that's ok. (I'm sure wherever God is leading will make him great, as long as it's God that he's following) So now there is someone new, someone I hope I'll respect and like...when I get to know him and his new ideas. But he's keeping his distance too- I haven't talked to him in almost 3 weeks. And through action he's convinced my head that I'm inconsequential to him. Of course, I feel it must be otherwise. So head or heart, guys? Which do I go with on this one? Man, I want him to be here for me. I suppose that's a bad choice.

I should be able to see that it's over, he doesn't care anymore and just move on. I feel like his ability to move forward so quickly has made this harder. But then again, I'm never happy with this. Distance or no distance, talking or not, everything hurts. I want to stop hurting. I just don't know if I should steer down the "over this" path or wait for another option. God knows all of this, and I'm waiting for His answer.
I know that all this stuff needs to be talked over with Caleb (that is his name), and I will. Sometime soon, whenever I'm ready. I'm trying not to make THIS brash, but I don't want to procrastinate this either. I think I'll know when the time is. Although I do see some right in this, some good....there's a lot of wrong. A WHOLE lot of wrong. Will that go away with time?

I think it's ok to say these things here because I'm almost positive he doesn't read this anymore. I think I would have heard from him by now if he did. But it bothers me that I wouldn't put this here if I didn't think that he would. There's a stubborn part of me that doesn't want to let him see me vulnerable anymore.

Roller Coaster

How does it work, this back and forth? Feeling insightful and clear one day and lost and muddied the next?

At the moment, I kind of feel like a Piñata, bashed consecutively in all different directions. It's been thing after thing for the past two months...do I need to just toughen up a little?

I don't just want to feel sorry for myself, the pity thing's no good. I don't want to be a victim of things, I want to learn and grow so so much.

I am so scared of losing my faith. I've lost a lot of important things lately (even that's an understatement) and I will be nothing if I lose my faith. Really, my faith and my family are the only things holding me together right now. Of course Diana's death has made me question things- even when I thought I knew what to believe, they happening of it makes you say "are you sure?"

A lot of my friends have lost their faith- every conversation I have with them in regards to that is a shun against my choice of beliefs. The person I talked most with about religion gave me up during Lent.

So where do I go from here? My parents. The few religious friends I have left. Father Healy. God himself. I want to stand up and defend my religion in discussions- it's hard when I have questions too. And then I feel guilty for not being strong enough- I can't let this slip. This is the most important thing of all, the point of my existence. If I lose this, I lose everything.

I feel heartbroken and lost. I feel like I may have strayed from the path...where is it? Where do I go from here?

Oh, I really want someone to talk to.