I can't even say how excited I am to be here! There are so many opportunities to meet people- my dorm is the biggest (10 floors) and everywhere you go there are new faces.
It's nice to mix old friends and new friends. I'll see people from school (or in Amy's case, choir) and we'll sit down with a few people and just talk. Today Kaley and I met our male twins. For Kaley, a movie loving music ed major from a lower campus dorm, and as for myself, a Stephen King reading music performance baritone from the all boy's dorm. We discovered that we were all in vocal jazz, all sang different voice parts and laughed as we sang Frim Fram Sauce & I'll Be Seeing You.
I find that i can't stay away from music oriented people. It's just in me, to connect to people who share the same love of music I have. It is such a big part of my life, and although this is a time for change, I don't think I will find my love of it changing.
It's also fun to talk about people I know from my hometown (in a kind of homesick, nostalgic way) and have people say, "oh, that sounds like my friend _____!" We're all in the same boat.
I don't know if any of you, invisible readers, have seen the old tv show Fat Albert, but I'll describe something: Fat Albert & his friends play a game against the neighborhood bullies called Buck Buck. It's a game Bill Cosby created, where one team all lines up, grabs each other around hte waist and bends so their back make a long runway of sorts. Then the other team take a running jump on their backs, one by one, piling up. The goal of the first team is to knock a player off their backs, and the goal of the second team is to get the first team to fall over. I watched the RA's teach some of the new freshman how to play for at least half an hour and it was hilarious. Prepare for pictures.
More stories soon :)
Friday, August 29, 2008
WHOO, COLLEGE.
It's almost 8 am here in Eau Claire, WI and I am sooo tired.
But I am really super happy here and it's only the second day. I am starting to think that my mother was right in saying that I was born for this. I have never been so happy being all by myself. I can't wait until classes start.
Just in case you were worried ;)
But I am really super happy here and it's only the second day. I am starting to think that my mother was right in saying that I was born for this. I have never been so happy being all by myself. I can't wait until classes start.
Just in case you were worried ;)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Prufrock
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advice the prince; no doubt, an easy tool
Deferential, glad to be at use,
Politic, cautious and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost at times, the fool.
I grow old...I grow old...
I shall wear the bottom of my trousers rolled.
~~~
I am so out of my mind I don't know anything. Blagh.
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advice the prince; no doubt, an easy tool
Deferential, glad to be at use,
Politic, cautious and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost at times, the fool.
I grow old...I grow old...
I shall wear the bottom of my trousers rolled.
~~~
I am so out of my mind I don't know anything. Blagh.
Friday, August 22, 2008
This is the feminist side of me.
Today I read this article about men & their feelings of plastic surgery.
(this is the article) <-- you should read it.
It made me feel really great in the skin that I'm in. I don't think I'd ever consider that kind of surgery, but hearing encouragement for women to keep their real bodies is nice. It takes the pressure off of having to be perfect- and I think guys don't always realize what kind of pressure there is in being a woman. Having to be a caring, loving girlfriend without giving everything. Making sacrifices without sacrificing everything. Making changes to fit a relationship without changing or compromising ourselves. Being understanding and easy going without being walked on. Being able to fool around and not be frigid without being called a slut. There are so many double standards women deal with and there's no way we can deal with it without guys sneering and calling us "a bunch of crazy, bra burning feminists"
Lately (and for a good part of my life) I have been (can be) irritated with men in general. It is so irritating growing up in a man's world.
Guys get irritated with women saying this, but the reason we say it is because it's true. This is a man's world. I have been in several female ensembles where some seriously difficult music was pulled off beautifully- and the male ensembles are still crowd favorites just because they're men and seeing them sing is cool. How frustrating knowing their music is one fourth the difficulty of what you just performed.
Guys can fool around with as many girls as they like and can be called a pimp. A girl gets a little action and she gets called numerous things with negative connotation. There seems to be some differentiation between the women you marry and the women you date or fool around with. It is more socially acceptable for a man to have lost his virginity than a woman.
Why?
I won't even touch the subject of periods and childbirth.
And why doesn't this social standing change? Why, for centuries, has our culture focused on the strengths and feats of men and not women? For the same reason the U.S. doesn't give up its WMAs: It's nice to be on top.
postscript: I would love to have a real discussion with men about this. Most men cringe from this subject because it's one women get passionate about. If you are a man & reading this, I would love to hear, er...read your feedback. A while ago a friend told me they don't know how to comment. Below this entry it should say "0 comments" (because no one is adding them!) and will allow you to add a comment. You can choose a number of options for commenting, from anonymous to just your name to an account.
This is a discussion topic, just say something
(this is the article) <-- you should read it.
It made me feel really great in the skin that I'm in. I don't think I'd ever consider that kind of surgery, but hearing encouragement for women to keep their real bodies is nice. It takes the pressure off of having to be perfect- and I think guys don't always realize what kind of pressure there is in being a woman. Having to be a caring, loving girlfriend without giving everything. Making sacrifices without sacrificing everything. Making changes to fit a relationship without changing or compromising ourselves. Being understanding and easy going without being walked on. Being able to fool around and not be frigid without being called a slut. There are so many double standards women deal with and there's no way we can deal with it without guys sneering and calling us "a bunch of crazy, bra burning feminists"
Lately (and for a good part of my life) I have been (can be) irritated with men in general. It is so irritating growing up in a man's world.
Guys get irritated with women saying this, but the reason we say it is because it's true. This is a man's world. I have been in several female ensembles where some seriously difficult music was pulled off beautifully- and the male ensembles are still crowd favorites just because they're men and seeing them sing is cool. How frustrating knowing their music is one fourth the difficulty of what you just performed.
Guys can fool around with as many girls as they like and can be called a pimp. A girl gets a little action and she gets called numerous things with negative connotation. There seems to be some differentiation between the women you marry and the women you date or fool around with. It is more socially acceptable for a man to have lost his virginity than a woman.
Why?
I won't even touch the subject of periods and childbirth.
And why doesn't this social standing change? Why, for centuries, has our culture focused on the strengths and feats of men and not women? For the same reason the U.S. doesn't give up its WMAs: It's nice to be on top.
postscript: I would love to have a real discussion with men about this. Most men cringe from this subject because it's one women get passionate about. If you are a man & reading this, I would love to hear, er...read your feedback. A while ago a friend told me they don't know how to comment. Below this entry it should say "0 comments" (because no one is adding them!) and will allow you to add a comment. You can choose a number of options for commenting, from anonymous to just your name to an account.
This is a discussion topic, just say something
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Silence and Solitude
There is so much going on inside of me right now that I have no control over. And I don't think there is a way to get a hold of it. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings that will all culminate in two weeks, for better or for worse.
But in the meantime, I am losing my mind. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't trust anybody enough to know me anymore.
(Disregarding my family, but it is counter productive to say the word "College" in front of my mother )
In the aftermath of what's happened in the last 6 months or so, I have become so stubborn. I bounced from yielding to its opposite, so admitting that apologies may be due is difficult. And as justified as I feel wanting some for myself, I need to say If this is what you went through and I didn't notice when you needed someone to listen, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry that I made it hard for you by only expressing my own sadness and fear in your transition. I am sorry if I concentrated on me instead of being a friend.
I am not sure if I've ever felt this lonely before. But I guess in order to stand on my own, which I need to do from now on, I need to start alone.
And if you leave me alone long enough, I start to write. And in seeing it, reading it and feeling it, I like myself. That's a start.
But in the meantime, I am losing my mind. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't trust anybody enough to know me anymore.
(Disregarding my family, but it is counter productive to say the word "College" in front of my mother )
In the aftermath of what's happened in the last 6 months or so, I have become so stubborn. I bounced from yielding to its opposite, so admitting that apologies may be due is difficult. And as justified as I feel wanting some for myself, I need to say If this is what you went through and I didn't notice when you needed someone to listen, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry that I made it hard for you by only expressing my own sadness and fear in your transition. I am sorry if I concentrated on me instead of being a friend.
I am not sure if I've ever felt this lonely before. But I guess in order to stand on my own, which I need to do from now on, I need to start alone.
And if you leave me alone long enough, I start to write. And in seeing it, reading it and feeling it, I like myself. That's a start.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Sixteen Days
Sixteen days before I will lift up my hypothetical pen from this very large sheet of paper, turn the page and start a new chapter of my life. How often have I heard leaving for college described thus?
But really, it's the best thing I can offer for an explanation right now.
This is so odd and so different from anything I've ever experienced before. Usually, when someone says "let's hangout before summer's over!" I will want to, but there's always a chance to see them a million times during school if I don't. That isn't the case anymore- I have this crazy feeling of "I MUST SEE EVERYONE ONE LAST TIME!" and I know it's impossible to say goodbye to every single person I want to say it to.
August has always had a certain buzz to it- a certain ring. The call of the future, telling you that your lounging is almost up, and it's time to go to work again. Whether it was drama camp, early morning swim practices, eye appointments or 1/2 off on shoes at Famous Footwear, my next year of school would whisper its excitement at my approach.
College is not a whisper: It's a deafening yell.
"DON'T FORGET TO PACK TAMPONS, LAUREN!" "YOU'D BETTER PRE-ORDER ALL OF YOUR BOOKS BEFORE ALL THE USED ONES ARE GONE!!"
"LOOK AT ME, I'M SO CLOSE AND YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER BEFORE I'M HERE!"
I feel like there's a mental preparation that has to come with college that I didn't need any other school year. In sixteen days, I could meet the love of my life, the woman who will be my maid of honor at my wedding or the person that will inspire me to do something I would have never done without talking to them, even just once.
I hear from people that high school is so inconsequential, that I won't feel bad about missing my friends once I'm in college. It feels weird, sucks, even, to be on the brink of discovering if that's true. I am sixteen days from finding out who are my real friends. And I guess a small, small part of me would rather not know. Who am I never going to see again? Who is going to be there for me for the rest of my life?
After the past week of shows, I can honestly say there are a lot of people I don't want to see for awhile. People who don't have the decency to confront me with problems but instead talk behind my back. I hope I will be able to say "that is so high school" a few months from now, but who knows. College will feel a little more real than living at home, but I won't be stupid and big headed like so many other college students I know: It's still a bubble. It's still not the real world.
I've found that after losing the biggest and closest friendship I've had, I don't really trust anyone the way I used to. I'm not sure I want to pour myself into my friendships with my high school friends if I will not receive the same devotion. It is easy to be bitter, but it is also easy to tell the truth: I lost my best friend to someone else when he went to college. It hurt for a long time (every once and awhile, it still does) but I guess I learned something. I don't want to pour myself only into old friendships, because people change. And it's ok, and it's great- change needs to happen for life to go forward. I am not sure what friendships will stay after that change. Hopefully many, but we will see.
I am trying to find a nice balance between excitement and fear. I've been pretty emotional about this lately, between leaving my hometown, my friends and my family. I feel like I've needed to talk about this, without having someone to talk to. All of my friends and my family, are affected by this, so there's no unbiased source there. Typing it out on a computer screen is so much easier.
So here's a hope & prayer that everything will turn out better than alright. That God will bring to me whatever it is He wants me to have, and that I will be grateful for it. That I will learn things, both educationally and generally speaking at UW-Eau Claire that will make me a better person and a better follower of God.
May you find your tower, and breach it, and may you climb to the top.
But really, it's the best thing I can offer for an explanation right now.
This is so odd and so different from anything I've ever experienced before. Usually, when someone says "let's hangout before summer's over!" I will want to, but there's always a chance to see them a million times during school if I don't. That isn't the case anymore- I have this crazy feeling of "I MUST SEE EVERYONE ONE LAST TIME!" and I know it's impossible to say goodbye to every single person I want to say it to.
August has always had a certain buzz to it- a certain ring. The call of the future, telling you that your lounging is almost up, and it's time to go to work again. Whether it was drama camp, early morning swim practices, eye appointments or 1/2 off on shoes at Famous Footwear, my next year of school would whisper its excitement at my approach.
College is not a whisper: It's a deafening yell.
"DON'T FORGET TO PACK TAMPONS, LAUREN!" "YOU'D BETTER PRE-ORDER ALL OF YOUR BOOKS BEFORE ALL THE USED ONES ARE GONE!!"
"LOOK AT ME, I'M SO CLOSE AND YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER BEFORE I'M HERE!"
I feel like there's a mental preparation that has to come with college that I didn't need any other school year. In sixteen days, I could meet the love of my life, the woman who will be my maid of honor at my wedding or the person that will inspire me to do something I would have never done without talking to them, even just once.
I hear from people that high school is so inconsequential, that I won't feel bad about missing my friends once I'm in college. It feels weird, sucks, even, to be on the brink of discovering if that's true. I am sixteen days from finding out who are my real friends. And I guess a small, small part of me would rather not know. Who am I never going to see again? Who is going to be there for me for the rest of my life?
After the past week of shows, I can honestly say there are a lot of people I don't want to see for awhile. People who don't have the decency to confront me with problems but instead talk behind my back. I hope I will be able to say "that is so high school" a few months from now, but who knows. College will feel a little more real than living at home, but I won't be stupid and big headed like so many other college students I know: It's still a bubble. It's still not the real world.
I've found that after losing the biggest and closest friendship I've had, I don't really trust anyone the way I used to. I'm not sure I want to pour myself into my friendships with my high school friends if I will not receive the same devotion. It is easy to be bitter, but it is also easy to tell the truth: I lost my best friend to someone else when he went to college. It hurt for a long time (every once and awhile, it still does) but I guess I learned something. I don't want to pour myself only into old friendships, because people change. And it's ok, and it's great- change needs to happen for life to go forward. I am not sure what friendships will stay after that change. Hopefully many, but we will see.
I am trying to find a nice balance between excitement and fear. I've been pretty emotional about this lately, between leaving my hometown, my friends and my family. I feel like I've needed to talk about this, without having someone to talk to. All of my friends and my family, are affected by this, so there's no unbiased source there. Typing it out on a computer screen is so much easier.
So here's a hope & prayer that everything will turn out better than alright. That God will bring to me whatever it is He wants me to have, and that I will be grateful for it. That I will learn things, both educationally and generally speaking at UW-Eau Claire that will make me a better person and a better follower of God.
May you find your tower, and breach it, and may you climb to the top.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Potential
As individuals, we can be whatever we want to be. The power to change our attitudes, our thoughts and our behavior is up to us.
I know what I want to change, I just don't know how.
This evening I became very very frustrated with myself. It started with something miniscule; one of my fellow actors being overly rude and pushy about a certain scene, but it lead to so much more. I was reminded of how just last week I had sat with this person through tears and discussion as a friend.
I understand good days/bad days, but this is constant. And not just from that one person, from everyone.
I feel like people take me for granted, use me for whatever makes them feel good and then leave. People don't appreciate how much I'd rather concentrate on my own problems than help them solve theirs. I would really, really love to have someone ask me about how I'm feeling about DP. I would really love for someone to ask me how I'm doing instead of me always asking them if I can help them with their problems. I feel like I give and give and give and love and love and love and I don't get much back.
People don't realize that some days, I'm the one that needs a hug, or a friend.
And I guess unless I stick up for myself in some way, this is never going to change. People are going to continue to take advantage of me and my good nature and think it's alright. Sure they appreciate me for awhile, and on occasion it gets paid back, but the scales are not even. I am giving a lot more than I am taking.
But how do I tell not just one friend but quite a few friends that I feel this way? That I want people to stop putting me down just because they're crabby and take some time to listen to what I'm really trying to say.
During the show I wrote "Get me the fuck out of here" on my leg. I just want to leave & go to college, hoping I can start over and get a little respect. If I don't find respect there, I don't know what I'll do.
I know what I want to change, I just don't know how.
This evening I became very very frustrated with myself. It started with something miniscule; one of my fellow actors being overly rude and pushy about a certain scene, but it lead to so much more. I was reminded of how just last week I had sat with this person through tears and discussion as a friend.
I understand good days/bad days, but this is constant. And not just from that one person, from everyone.
I feel like people take me for granted, use me for whatever makes them feel good and then leave. People don't appreciate how much I'd rather concentrate on my own problems than help them solve theirs. I would really, really love to have someone ask me about how I'm feeling about DP. I would really love for someone to ask me how I'm doing instead of me always asking them if I can help them with their problems. I feel like I give and give and give and love and love and love and I don't get much back.
People don't realize that some days, I'm the one that needs a hug, or a friend.
And I guess unless I stick up for myself in some way, this is never going to change. People are going to continue to take advantage of me and my good nature and think it's alright. Sure they appreciate me for awhile, and on occasion it gets paid back, but the scales are not even. I am giving a lot more than I am taking.
But how do I tell not just one friend but quite a few friends that I feel this way? That I want people to stop putting me down just because they're crabby and take some time to listen to what I'm really trying to say.
During the show I wrote "Get me the fuck out of here" on my leg. I just want to leave & go to college, hoping I can start over and get a little respect. If I don't find respect there, I don't know what I'll do.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
A Small (or not so small) Reflection
The other day, just for fun (and because the internet and Canadian cable provided no other entertainment) I looked back on this blog from its beginning all the way until my recent posts. And I have to say, I see an incredible change in my writing, my feelings, my purpose and my thoughts. Of course, as a reader looking back, you may not being able to see things quite as clearly, because you cannot recall what I was thinking/feeling when I wrote the post. I am so, so happy to know that I have changed for the better in the 5 months (or so) that this blog has been around.
I realized while reading that getting my feelings out here, just saying what I needed to say, even if I was saying it to no one specifically, was a great part of the healing process. I am not going to pretend that I have recovered from the death of my aunt, but saying things here was easier than burdening someone. I still can't really bring it up with my friends. Saying, "hey, can I talk to you about my dead aunt?" really doesn't work well. Nor do I want it to work that way. It's impossible to agree with someone about how great a mango tastes if you've never had one. My family knew DP and they miss all the things I do. (thought I would mention, my aunt's name is Diana. Her last name is Paulina, so most often we called her "DP", just in case you are confused at the interchanging of names)
It's been so strange, being in this aftermath of her death. I don't think of her as dead, really. Every part of me says that it is impossible, that she can't be. I am not necessarily denying the fact that she has left us, only not thinking of it in a melancholy way. She has left us, yes, but for much greater things. And I only feel the real pain when I realize just how much I miss her. On family vacation, we spent a little time talking about her. After we were given some of her things by my uncle Kevin, people cried. I felt bad for not crying, for feeling numb about it all. But then my aunt Sara reminded me of the advice she pained to give me on her deathbed and I joined the numbers.
Even from her place in the Beyond, she is making me a stronger woman. She has really helped me clear my head, stand up for myself and see through a lot of bullshit people try to pull. I hope to continue to live like her as I approach college. From her teaching to her work with former cult members to her caretaking to her gardening, she was a woman worth following. I know that every member of my family continues to "summon their inner Diana" daily, and it makes us better people.
This hurt is one that is never really going to subside completely, but poke itself out every once in awhile, I think. She was family and her loss will always be remembered and she will always be a part of me. But it wasn't at all like losing a lover- where a lot of my time once devoted to one person now had to be spent elsewhere, and it was glaringly apparent. That was much harder to get through, but the light at the end was so wonderfully bright and warm, so much like rebirth (it is, in a way, I suppose). It isn't like that at all with Diana. You lose, you mourn and you live, but there is no "getting over it". Only going on with it. But having even known her, even for a short 18 years, it is a fair trade.
Despite all of this, this summer has been so incredibly great. I never imagined that I would have so good a summer. When we canceled Hair, I thought that work was going to be it for the summer. But I have spent a lot of time with my friends. I've gotten to know some of my friends better- friends that I have been hanging with since freshman year, that have said more stuff about how they really feel in 3 months than the entire 3 years before. I've gotten to know people I never really talked to at all until this summer. I've gotten to rediscover myself. Next time I bitch about all my plans changing, remind me how kick ass this summer was when all of my plans changed.
God's doing a lot of great things in my life. I may have had a lot of rain pour down on me second semester of Senior year, but I sure do appreciate the sunshine.
Peace & Love
I realized while reading that getting my feelings out here, just saying what I needed to say, even if I was saying it to no one specifically, was a great part of the healing process. I am not going to pretend that I have recovered from the death of my aunt, but saying things here was easier than burdening someone. I still can't really bring it up with my friends. Saying, "hey, can I talk to you about my dead aunt?" really doesn't work well. Nor do I want it to work that way. It's impossible to agree with someone about how great a mango tastes if you've never had one. My family knew DP and they miss all the things I do. (thought I would mention, my aunt's name is Diana. Her last name is Paulina, so most often we called her "DP", just in case you are confused at the interchanging of names)
It's been so strange, being in this aftermath of her death. I don't think of her as dead, really. Every part of me says that it is impossible, that she can't be. I am not necessarily denying the fact that she has left us, only not thinking of it in a melancholy way. She has left us, yes, but for much greater things. And I only feel the real pain when I realize just how much I miss her. On family vacation, we spent a little time talking about her. After we were given some of her things by my uncle Kevin, people cried. I felt bad for not crying, for feeling numb about it all. But then my aunt Sara reminded me of the advice she pained to give me on her deathbed and I joined the numbers.
Even from her place in the Beyond, she is making me a stronger woman. She has really helped me clear my head, stand up for myself and see through a lot of bullshit people try to pull. I hope to continue to live like her as I approach college. From her teaching to her work with former cult members to her caretaking to her gardening, she was a woman worth following. I know that every member of my family continues to "summon their inner Diana" daily, and it makes us better people.
This hurt is one that is never really going to subside completely, but poke itself out every once in awhile, I think. She was family and her loss will always be remembered and she will always be a part of me. But it wasn't at all like losing a lover- where a lot of my time once devoted to one person now had to be spent elsewhere, and it was glaringly apparent. That was much harder to get through, but the light at the end was so wonderfully bright and warm, so much like rebirth (it is, in a way, I suppose). It isn't like that at all with Diana. You lose, you mourn and you live, but there is no "getting over it". Only going on with it. But having even known her, even for a short 18 years, it is a fair trade.
Despite all of this, this summer has been so incredibly great. I never imagined that I would have so good a summer. When we canceled Hair, I thought that work was going to be it for the summer. But I have spent a lot of time with my friends. I've gotten to know some of my friends better- friends that I have been hanging with since freshman year, that have said more stuff about how they really feel in 3 months than the entire 3 years before. I've gotten to know people I never really talked to at all until this summer. I've gotten to rediscover myself. Next time I bitch about all my plans changing, remind me how kick ass this summer was when all of my plans changed.
God's doing a lot of great things in my life. I may have had a lot of rain pour down on me second semester of Senior year, but I sure do appreciate the sunshine.
Peace & Love
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