I've Decided.

I've made my goals for Lent. And every lent, I start out saying, "This is going to be the best lent ever!" and even though it started with my professor calling me an "Ash head" in a derogatory manner, I won't let it ruin it. And although I keep my relationship with God to myself, I think that there is some interesting information I have received that can be shared with everyone.

Plus, if I'm calling this "Project, What I Want to Be" I might as well keep track of my goals. :)

So, basically my goals of Lent are:
- To follow the three basic guides of lent (Fasting, Prayer and Alms)
- Relentlessly following what I've given up. (Swearing two years in a row. I need to stop swearing in front of my mom...)
- Putting money in the swear jar when I do slip up, and donating it when Lent is over (it's a communal jar. Kayla already put $5 in, hahahaha)
- Concentrating on Jesus and not other people (This especially applies today, when I had to realize that it didn't matter how many people criticized me for the ashes I wore on my forehead. What I am in His eyes is the only thing that counts)

At mass today, Father George gave me a lovely little Lent Companion called "The Little Black Book". It's a Vademecum (or "Travel with me" in Latin) and is a book you carry around for Lent. It's full of scripture, history and ideas to concentrate on for the next few weeks. It's excellent. Part of the little black book is a "Lectio Divina" which is one of my favorite things EVER. It's basically a way to concentrate on scripture. I won't include that on the blog, but if you want to see it/know what it's based on, shoot me a comment and I'll hook you up :)

Here's some information I liked on Ash Wednesday:

The use of ashes as a sign of penitence and remorse is rooted in Jewish tradition and carried over into Christianity. In some early churches, those who had committed serious sin would present themselves to their bishop on Ash Wednesday and he sprinkled Ashes on their hair shirts. They would then wear the shirt for the rest of lent as a public display of penitence. The custom of Ashes on the forehead became custom in the 11th Century. The 12th century brought the practice of burning the Palm Sunday branches of the previous year to make the ash. After the Reformation in the 16th century, many protestant churches discontinued the practice. But in recent decades, some Lutheran, Presbyterian, Methodist and Episcopal churches have reinstated the tradition.

Fasting also comes from Jewish practice. Jewish Law required fasting on Yom Kippur. However, some public fasts were held in the face of disaster (Famine, etc.) Some Jewish people fasted more often in private- some every Tuesday and Thursday.
For Christians, fasting can be seen as a way to ask God for what is needed or to do penitence for sins. But most importantly, it is done as a form of prayer. It helps us experience 1) our hunger for God 2) Our dependence on God (Food, like everything else, comes from Him) 3) Our weakness and frailty and 4) Our willingness to change some patterns in our life.

I think this will help make for a good lent. A better lent than last year. Last year, Suffering had an entirely different meaning, and although I felt close to Jesus in that suffering, I knew I was concentrating more on my own problems than I was on the sacrifice that Jesus made for me.

I'll try to update this a lot. If not every day, every few days. It's such interesting information...

Happy Lent,

Lauren

I am frustrated.

Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18

Jesus said to his disciples:
"Take care not to perform righteous deeds
in order that people may see them;
otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father.
When you give alms,
do not blow a trumpet before you,
as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets
to win the praise of others.
Amen, I say to you,
they have received their reward.
But when you give alms,
do not let your left hand know what your right is doing,
so that your almsgiving may be secret.
And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.

"When you pray,
do not be like the hypocrites,
who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners
so that others may see them.
Amen, I say to you,
they have received their reward.
But when you pray, go to your inner room,
close the door, and pray to your Father in secret.
And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.

"When you fast,
do not look gloomy like the hypocrites.
They neglect their appearance,
so that they may appear to others to be fasting.
Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward.
But when you fast,
anoint your head and wash your face,
so that you may not appear to be fasting,
except to your Father who is hidden.
And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you."

I am frustated today.

I take my religion seriously. And although I have my qualms with the church, today, Ash Wednesday, is a very important day for me. It's a day when I feel especially connected to the Catholic Church and its memebers. The reading above was our gospel reading. It is my favorite reading, and the one that defines some of my key beliefs. My relationship with God is mine alone. It is no one else's business. And yet today, I am called to repent, called to wear the ashes as a sign of humility.
And although this is more a church tradition than a command made by Jesus, it is a way to connect to others in faith. So I wear them as a sign of my humilty, not to brag about my faith or push it on others. And yet my cousin, my own kin sees me and laughs, "oh no, not you too."

I am frustrated by this. I thought liberals were supposed to be openminded. To me, being a liberal is about accpeting ideas other than your own as valid. It's about not being closed to other ways of life. And guess what? That's what being a christian should be about too. Sometimes I really see the difference between the term "Christian" and the term "Follower of Christ" even though they're supposed to be synonomus.

Want to see the birth of liberal politics?

Sometimes...

I get jealous because my friends from home are closer to each other than they are to me. They send each other little valentines and visit and whatnot and it makes me sad that no one wants to see me the way they do each other.

But then I remember I have bigger things to do, and I feel better.

On the Bridge

This evening I felt like I was walking through a painting.

(If I was as clever as Sam, I'd have several pictures to back this up...)

It's pretty warm for winter right now, and the snow is starting to look delicate. There are patches of grass and puddles everywhere.

When I finished work, I walked across the bridge listening to an old song by Jars of Clay that I swore I took off my ipod months ago. Regardless, I listened to it as I walked, feeling the never failing gust of wind sweep my hair every which way. (Ah the ever faithful, ever chilly footbridge)
My thoughts were concentrated on the Chippewa river beneath the bridge, (looking sooo much deeper than it actually is) the deep cracks in the ice, the deep pools of water that seem to get bigger and bigger with every raise of a degree. It was a little past five and the sun was beginning to set, casting a red and pink hue to the clouds that swept past Towers. And I saw God in every movement. And I saw reason in every movement.

And despite being on the freezing cold bridge (although it wasn't completely cold out, the bridge acts as a wind tunnel. It's enough to make you shiver) I stopped and just stared. And I thought about how lucky I was to be there. And how lucky I was to be alive and well and whole again. I'm steadily approaching the one year marker where the perfectly planned fabric of my life unwound from so many angles that it pulled apart completely. It's unnerving to think that I was ever that vulnerable, or rather, that I ever so affected by so many things at once. Even though I feel self-conscious and awkward now, I feel much stronger, tougher. I feel, in retrospect, that I learned a lot from my Senior year of high school (and I can't believe I cried THAT MUCH. Holy crap.)

And even as tonight took a ridiculous turn for the worst, I tried my best to keep a cool head through my anger. The only thing I wished for was for one person to just get me. To just understand what I was feeling, know exactly what and why I was thinking it, and know where I was coming from. My mom is the closest thing I have to that now, and she wasn't around tonight (which sucks). And yet, even in wishing that, dealing with it by myself makes me stronger, I suppose.

This always happens.

And why?

Why, when I need the help most (and I'd like to think of myself as mostly self-sufficient) do people decide they don't have time.

I don't want to think that I ask people to drop whatever they're doing to help me because I'm so self-involved. But I'm really stuck, stressed out, out of time and without help from the person who promised.

AGH!

Fools Like Me

Beware the danger, it lurks for those who get swept away
The dreamers get punished most by the truth they say
It's all in the little ways one reveals their love's gone away
love's gone away

When my hand was in your hand my heart was pure
And now I see a different man
Rewriting memories
The dogs run down the beach
And all I'm left with is sand in my shoes
Sand in my shoes

'Cause fools like me
Oh we love blindly
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me

Now I recall the time at the cafe,
The thunderstorm outside
Words you could never say
they hold the loudest tones
They say you're right
But it's ink on a page
just ink on a page

But fools like me
Oh we love blindly
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me

Tick-tock the time
Distant look grows in your eyes
And fools never ask
Afraid what lurks in your eyes
I always knew, somehow always knew
I always knew the truth.

Cause fools like me
Oh we never see
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me
And it's breaking
It's breaking
It's gotta break for me to see

At least I can say I was not afraid
I loved you all the way
And I'd pick the fool any day.

- Vanessa Carlton



Um, yeah. Truth.

Do I Dare?

I could say yes and settle. I could do as my uncle Steve once said, "just give it a try because you never know until you give it a chance."

But I believe that there is a difference between being happy and being content. Maybe I read too many dramatic love stories about true love, ka (fate) , attraction as strong as gravitational pull and perfect virgin vampires. But it's what I want. (...by that I mean really strong love, not a vampire...)

I said no to a lot of guys before my last relationship. And it was worth it in the end, although I questioned my sanity at the time. Sure when I said "no" before, I wanted to be loved and I wanted love, but some intuitive force inside me knew I wasn't going to find it with any of those guys. And I don't regret waiting.
And now that I've dusted myself off after my first attempt at a serious relationship, I know I can do it again, with some minor changes in how things are going to go from now on. *smiles* And other than those minor things, I don't regret anything there either.
(Although I guess I wonder about timing, and how different I would be if I'd ended up with someone else as my first boyfriend. Still no regrets though.)

(The only thing I really regret where boys are concerned is when I put my own selfish desire to be with a guy over one of my friend's feelings. That is the shittiest thing to do to someone you love.)

But after all that, after all the growth, wonder, joy, love and heartache, I find myself in the same boat as I did when boys I didn't like "that way" were asking for me. I have to trust that God has some plan for me, that I will find the love I dream about. I don't think he'd place such a desire in me to be a mother and a wife if it wasn't supposed to happen.

I can't, I won't force myself to be with someone who I don't feel strongly for.

I'd rather take my chances on finding someone who'll give me the moon.