2008, In review.

Yeah, so these surveys are silly. But I figure it'd be a good way to review. In a couple months, we'll be coming up on the one year marker of this blog. *smiles* I gave up on it being a group effort a long time ago, since no one jumped on the band wagon. That's what Lessons is for. So what is this blog for you ask? I must ruefully admit, it's more for reasons of self importance than anything else. #149 in the list of Stuff White People Like.

So I'll take my moment of egotistical self importance to reflect on the year of 2008 A.D. with a chain facebook survey.



Stayed single almost the whole year?
Almost, save for the first few months.

Kissed someone new?
Yup.

Done something you've regretted?
Certainly.

Lost someone?
Indeed.

Cut class?
Election day :)

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
The 2008 election. Working with the Obama and Smith Campaigns was a totally fulfilling experience.

Got a gift you adore?
Yes.

Dyed your hair?
Don't think so. I've been growing my hair out for donation since late June, so that means no hair dye :(

Came close to losing your life?
Metaphorically, Second semester of senior year was like a Mafia hitman.

Went to a party?
Sure.

Read a GREAT book?
Several, actually!

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
:) Motion City Soundtrack in May

Did you meet any new friends this year?
Thank you college!

Did you dislike anyone?
Mmm. Dislike, but nothing serious.

Did you grow apart from anyone?
Indeed.

2008: Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
Kind of - it was a cookie cake my mom sent home with my cousin Andrew.

Did you have a party?
I guess if that's what you want to call me, Shauna, Caitlin and Andrew watching the 2nd Presidential Debate and bitching about McCain whilst eating birthday cookie.

Did you get any presents?
Yeah! I saw Avenue Q!

2008: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
Tons.

Did you change your style?
I suppose there are some different influences then last year, yeah.

Did you drive?
What kind of question is that? Well, I suppose some younger people are taking this too. So, yes. I did drive.

Did you own a car?
Nope.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
What a question. Of course there are things that I am working to get better at as far as behaviors, reactions, etc. are concerned, but the fact that that's on my mind? No, I wouldn't change me.

2008 WRAP UP:

Was 2008 a good year?
Yes. I went through a ton of shit at the beginning of the year. But I learned a lot about myself and came out so much stronger in faith, mind and body than I was before. And I wouldn't change that. I would go through it all again if I had to.

Do you think 2009 will be better then 2008?
Despite all of the things I just said, dear God, I pray that next year will be easier on me.

I confess that in 2008 I...

(x...I think?) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
(x) had your heart broken
(xxxxx) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x, but not seriously, I think) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x didn't I say that already?) done something you've regretted

OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) walked over a mile/ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
( ) posted a blog on MySpace
(x) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) prank called someone

In 2008 I...
[x] broke a promise
[x] fell out of love
[x] told a little white lie
[x] lied
[x] cried over a broken heart/break-up
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hidden a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[ ] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life
[x] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[ ] pretended to be sick
[ ] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[ ] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
[x] had a high cell phone bill
[x definition: college] spent most of your money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
[x] gotten sick
[x If that's what you call mindless crushes] liked more than 3 people at the same time
[x] became closer with a lot of people


There. I'm sure you're now healthily enlightened on stuff you didn't need to know.

Funny Feelings.

I've always had issues with leaving things behind. And yeah, as much as I've been all "change is good, becoming someone better, blah blah blah" there are still parts of my life I have a hard time leaving behind.

Facebook is a terrible way to spend time. Things come up on mini-feed and you can read anything you want about anyone. So sometimes I browse, check up on people I haven't seen in a long time and I ended up browsing profiles of my best friends from middle school. And I remember who I used to be. I was immature, loud, obnoxious, opinionated and most of my class hated me, but at least I wasn't trying to be anything. I think. If I remember correctly, although nostalgia can be blinding.

And I changed a lot in high school. I started pleasing people more, but people liked me more. And I liked being liked. And it wasn't as if I wasn't being real- those people got to know the silly, crazy, loud, opinionated side of me too. But I changed. I was different. And I was more concerned about what other people thought.

I wonder if my friends from middle school think I'm a sell out. I'm sure they think I'm a fool, getting all wrapped up in high school drama, trying so hard to make other people happy. I feel like maybe I lost a complete part of myself, or buried it at least. And I do care what they think, and I do miss them. I'm sad that I missed out on the things that made them who they are. And I wonder if things are going to be like that with my closest friends now, if we'll drift that way in college. It hasn't happened yet, which I'm thankful for.

Overall, I have a positive outlook on who I am. Yes, I have some qualms with myself, but I think I'm a good person. I like who I am. I think I would want to be friends with me.
But then sometimes I wonder if I should. Like, there's always that asshole in that one movie who thinks he's the coolest, and then he realizes that everybody doesn't really like him and he goes on some exponential change in personality to make it happen and everything is great. (i.e. The Family Man and every other movie with that story line) So I hope I'm not that guy...or girl, rather.

Check Up

Remember when I started this, I had a bunch of goals? I thought I'd review all of them to see where I have and haven't gone:

Start a Youth prayer group at church - so this one has not been touched. It was a little difficult being away at school, and then Paul, our most Catechist left. I don't really know the new woman in charge,so I'll have to start forming some contact if i really want this to happen. I'll need to do it sometime when I'm home- winter or summer break perhaps (probably the latter)
But to be optimistic and postive, at least I have a start. I'm in a bible study at school, so now that I have a feel for what a small group gathering is like, I can have a clearer vision of what I'd like to start.

Record a Demo - ahahaha. No, not yet. I've got options though. I think I need to write a bit more before I do that. But Casey's studio is always on option. We recorded by Senior recital this summer, so I do have those recordings for now. I'd be nice to do a full out demo though. Still thinking about it. I need to make more music.

Finish "White Houses" - THIS has been on my mind more than I like to admit. Now that I'm in college, things are so much clearer than they were in my experienceless imagination. I've been thinking about my characters a lot, thinking about music that speaks to me about their lives & how they feel (I enjoy writing to music) and I've been reconsidering things. Right now, the story is in 3rd person omniscient. Which works well to get a glimpse into every character's mind if needed. Yet at the same time, I think about putting it in 1st person for the main character, or multiple 1st person based on the chapters. I'm not sure. And I'm changing the title, I think. This story has evolved into being about more than just the song by Vanessa Carlton that gave me the inspiration. So I'm not sure "White Houses" fits anymore. I'll find something that works. As you can see, I'm revamping pretty much everying, but I'm really excited about it. Every day I have some new insight about my characters. How fun.

Pick A College - ha! I certainly did. And to be completely honest, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I love it here. This is a perfect fit for me, or at least a nearly perfect fit. If I had my way, we would have a few more men (Schneider calls Eau Claire "the land of women" joy.) And nicely enough, I am beginning to accept pretty much everything about the past year or so. For a long time I was filled with "What ifs" particularly about college.
To share a little secret, I wondered about what it would be like if my exboyfriend had decided to go here instead of the school he's at. Where would I be? Would I still have ended up here? And if that was the case, my experience would be totally different. It would have been his school first, and my outlook on college would have been totally different. Fortunately for me, Eau Claire is MY school. I feel so much pride & joy knowing that I am here, by myself, making myself into something. For the longest time the bitter part of me rued the day I heard, "I'm going to Wheaton" and now I see the blessing behind the disguise. Too bad it took me so long to figure it out.

Become more independent - :) If there's one thing I've been working towards for the last few months, it's this. Whether in regards to relationships or stances on issues or whatever, I have been striving to be ok on my own. I am particularly proud of what I've done since college. I know a lot of people reinvent themselves in college. There have been things I've actively been trying to change, but there are parts of me I will not let go. I know that I can look one of the cutest guys I know (not to mention one I respect) in the face and say, "no thanks, I don't want a beer." Done it several times, in fact. Because I know that deep down (maybe deep, deep down at times) I think I'm cool the way I am. And I know that I am loved for who I am, and changing so that others will like me is just not an option. One of my friends told me that in a conversation with another friend, he was told that I would "totally quit the 'non drinking thing' by sophomore year." I just laughed- I'd like to see anyone try to budge me from this spot. :)

Find truth and be truthful - Yeah, this one I need to work on. Ever since my little "week of honesty" test this summer, I realize what a little liar I am. Not big lies, just little fibs to avoid hurting people. The worst thing I do these days is lie & say I have homework when i don't want to hang out with someone. I do this quite often. I think perhaps I ought to be more truthful and tell them that I just can't spend every waking hour with them. As far as finding truth, I'm working on it. I've tried to open my mind a lot and see sides of things I hadn't before. I've been getting more involved in the political system (don't know if you noticed...har har) as well as trying to take a more active part in my religion. I'm trying to find the balance. It is so easy to go one way or another. To fear for one's salvation and start following every church rule without thought. I'm trying to find the balance in being a left wing Catholic, because there are times when neither side likes you. Again with the independence thing. I'd rather stand here by myself than get that sinking feeling in my stomach for turning away from a problem.

Serving God - I'm working on it, believe me, I am. It's hard to know exactly what He wants me to do. Right now, I feel like I'm going through a bit of a dead zone- no cell phone reception. I'm not getting any clues as to what I should be doing. I don't want to wander alone. And although my faith has been put back in place, things are still a little shaky from last weekend. I've been feeling so odd lately and finals don't help. Reading and listeng to other people's beliefs is quite beneficial. I'm still reading "Everything Must Change" by Brian McLaren, and I will have to admit, putting my angry, bitter self aside, that it is a very good book with lots of good ideas. Mostly, it says a lot of what I've been thinking and feeling for the last few years.
I don't know if there will be a clear voice telling me what I need to be doing with my life. I'm not sure if I'll be as lucky as Paul (well, Saul at the time) or Moses. But I guess I'll keep praying until I do hear something back. I want to head down the right path. Where is it?


Happy Holidays,

-Lauren

Hallelujah, I am Yours forever!

I've been wandering aimlessly since Saturday night.

The story goes a little like this:

I have an agnostic friend, although at this point, it's a little more towards the side of atheism. He's a very scientific person, so having no proof of God's existence led them to the conclusion that He does not exist. So he was telling me about this book he read about Evolution, and how Humans created God so they wouldn't have to fight & kill each other for the "highest position" since they made up a God that filled it.
He also commented on the big bang happening by chance and not reason, since an infinite time stretch can allow anything to happen.

And for some reason, at that moment, his arguments hit me hard. I felt like I plummeted down mount Everest at the speed of sound. No, not even. I felt like my entire world had been ripped away like a backdrop of a play.

And I felt so, so guilty. God has blessed me with so much, and I repay him by doubting His existence? I was disappointed in myself- I have actively believed, followed, prayed and acted as I believed Jesus would want me to for 7 years now, and
I crumble at one comment made by one person. So for two days I've prayed to hear from my suddenly silent Father.

And yet, to ask him to "send me a sign as proof" makes me a terrible believer. The very definition of Faith is believing without seeing proof. I have been through doubting spells before, but how much does it suck to have one a week before the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ?

Jenna told me not to be too hard on myself, that no one gets through their life without questioning the existence of God. I reminded myself that even Peter, the first leader of the Church, THE Rock, denied Jesus three times the night he was captured.

And then, while at work copying numerous CDs, I thought momentarily on the concept of love. How Paul once told us at Catechism that Love is willing the good of another. And I thought more, thought about the purest, greatest of all emotions we know. And I realized that something so strong could not just be a concept of human ideals, or a thing that comes with a pointless existence. I don't believe in Neihilism. I believe in God and on the third day of doubt my heart rose again in hope. I am not ashamed to admit that I began to cry and whispered, "Hallelujah, I am Yours forever!"
I would have yelled, but I think it would have frightened by boss.


Peace, Joy and Love to you all in this wonderful Holiday Season,

- Lauren

The Ends Do Not Justify The Means

Although we have hope in the future for the United States, although we have Barack Obama, we are not in a good place yet.

I am continually infuriated by the Bush Administration. It's 4:09 pm and I'm in World Politics. I am absolutely disgusted with how much I didn't know about our current President, the Military Commissions Act and the CIA's operations at Guantanamo Bay. I am sick to my stomach.

We're using torture techniques used in the Spanish Inquisition.

If this had been done to American soldiers, wouldn't we be raging, foaming at the mouth demanding that people stop tourturing our boys?

So how is this ok?

If we make an excuse to get rid of Common Article 3, there's no way that other countries will listen to us when they want to do the same. We can't set such an awful precedence.

These people responsible need to be prosecuted. If we want to stay the an example and a role model for other countries, that is what needs to happen. We need to throw off this notion of ethnocentrism. We are no better than anyone else. Americans do not deserve life more than anyone else. There is no excuse for this.

I refuse to be "Safe" through the mental and physical torture of another human being.

The ends do not justify the means.

How Do You Capture A Moment?

But may I try?



1 .






2. Viva La Vida


3. Freezing cold wind and a bright, bright sun.

Transformation

I'm sure you've heard, "I won't believe it 'till I see it."

In my case, it's been more of "I won't believe it 'till I feel it."

When I first came to college, it was nothing and everything like people said it would be. There were things I counted on (feeling free and independent, having a million and a half opportunities) and things I denied would happen (the distance in my former friendships and the deep rooting of sudden friendships, the loss of "Home")

Lately, as much as I hate to admit it, I've felt in between. Kind of how they describe ghosts as having unfinished business, not quite alive, but not quite dead. Except, less morbid than that. Eau Claire is not quite my home. Yet, Stoughton doesn't fit snugly the way it used to. My family is still there and I love them so, so dearly. But my bed doesn't feel right anymore. It doesn't feel like my bed. It feels like a loaner, while I'm "staying" in Stoughton.

I remember saying goodbye to DeeDee, or rather, one of the million times I said goodbye to DeeDee before actually saying goodbye to DeeDee, and she told me, "there will be a time when you'll come home and actually want to go back to school and see your friends." And I shook my head adamantly and told her that it wouldn't happen, that home would always have precedence. That my friends at home would always mean more to me than the people I met at school. How I could tell her that and believe it, I'm not sure. Maybe I didn't quite believe it.
But I know that whenever I leave for school now, I'm ok with coming back. Because I have family here too. I have friends that care about me, that listen to all my silly rants and make me laugh harder than I have in a long time.
To put it in a term that I haven't used in a long time, I have a ka-tet here. Sorry for those of you who haven't read Stephen King (Mom) but I can't put it any better. There's some kind of connection between Kirsten, Caitlin, Shauna and I (...deeper than Twilight...) that has made this so much easier. I have other great friends as well, ones that are beginning to know me better than people at home know me. How crazy is that?
The transformation is happening.

And at the same time, I feel so guilty to be leaving things "behind". Sounds stupid, but when I hear about people I know not coming back to our hometown, not keeping in touch with their friends, not speaking to their family, I cringe a bit. I think, "how stupid is that? to leave behind something that means so much, people that are supposed to mean so much." I really don't want to do that. I am still very much attached to my awesome friendships. Vegan Thanksgiving Saturday night was absolutely AMAZING. It made me realize that people don't find relationships and just plain AWESOME people like that everyday. I'm lucky to have such unique, bright, colorful people in my life. I'm still attached to my house, my room, even my "loaner" bed. (Maybe it won't feel like such a loaner this summer...) No weekend or break thus far has kept me at home long enough to make me feel like it was my home. Ugh. And of course, no matter where I go, my family will always be family. So...this paragraph was a bunch of soupy logic, but I think the basic point was 1) I don't want to leave things behind just yet, or ever. 2) I love stuff.

I recall the stories from my friends that are years ahead of me in school and can draw some pretty big similarities. And even if I can't call those people up, or possibly explain to them what I'm feeling, I'm at ease knowing that there are people I know that have gone through this before.


And to keep you up on the less important things,

Current Reading List:
1. Ishmael - Daniel Quinn
2. Everything Must Change - Brian McLaren (read those two side by side and you'll have an amazing experience. They unintentionally compliment each other in so many ways)
3. Twilight Saga - Stephenie Meyer (clearly, you should read them)

Current Music List:

1. Sufjan Stevens
2. Down the Line (oy. It never stops.)
3. David Gray (funny, anyone remember when I used to hate David Gray? He's grown on me in exponential amounts since Kaitlyn gave me that song "You're The World to Me")
*also download "Never Think" by Rob Pattinson and tell me what you think. There's something I like about the quality of his voice that I can't quite pinpoint...

Current Wish List:

1. Sleep
2. Captain Crunch
3. Chocolate


Tell me what's up with your life. I'm tired of talking about mine.

Peace & Love,

-me

We Are

So, I know this has been a dumping grounds lately, so bear with me. I haven't had much time to delve into my thoughts as of late. More over, I've been dropping things here that reflect all the things I'm thinking/feeling at the moment.

I'm sure you noticed the counter for the Twilight Movie coming out on Friday. It's an obsession that we caught on my floor, particularly room 655, faster than a 2nd grader gets lice. We also have a countdown on the wall, if you haven't seen the facebook pictures. They're really quite something. Saturday night I finished the 4th book of the Twilight Saga. All in all, the series took me 2 weeks to read, which is apx. 177 pages a day.

Before that, I was posting a bunch of election stuff. There you have it. When busy, Lauren posts representations of her life rather than telling you about it. Joy.

Having had my first concert of my college career yesterday, I'm on a WOCO high. I just listend to the cd of the concert and it was beautiful. So, in honor of my busy posting, here are the lyrics to one of my favorites we sang yesterday. This is not the first time I've posted lyrics by Y.M. Barnwell. The last time was in this post

Here are the lyrics to our Anthem in WOCO, "We Are"

We Are...
(from lessons by Y.M. Barnwell (c)1993)

For each child that's born
a morning star rises
and sings to the universe
who we are.

We are our grandmothers' prayers.
We are our grandfathers' dreamings.
We are the breath of our ancestors.
We are the spirit of God.

We are
Mothers of courage
Fathers of time
Daughters of dust
Sons of great vision.
We are
Sisters of mercy
Brothers of love
Lovers of life and
the builders of nations.
We are
Seekers of truth
Keepers of faith
Makers of peace and
the wisdom of ages.

We are our grandmothers' prayers.
We are our grandfathers' dreamings.
We are the breath of our ancestors.
We are the spirit of God.

For each child that's born
a morning star rises
and sings to the universe
who we are.

WE ARE ONE.


When I think about my generation, this is how I feel.

Peace & Love,

Lauren

Oh dear...

Take the time, if you haven't already.

This took my breath away several times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jll5baCAaQU

Yes We Can, Yes We Did.

I cannot express my gratitude, my astonishment and my complete and utter joy at the turn out of tonight's election.

I am proud to be a citizen of this country this evening.

I am so proud that we elected a man who ran a clean, positive campaign. That we PROVED to the world and to old Washington that their tactics were unnecessary in winning a campaign. We didn't need to lie or cheat to win: We needed what Obama had to offer.

I am glad that the time has finally come when we've placed the difference of skin color behind us and elected the man that was right for this country. He was elected, as Martin Luther King Jr. hoped, not for the color of his skin, but for the content of his character.

I am proud to be a UWEC college Democrat. I am proud that we ignored the taunts of our opponents and continued to bring hype and energy to our cause. That we had chalkers, "ninjas", temporary tattoos and Koch dressed up in a giant donkey costume literally making an ass of himself. I am proud that the Eau Claire campus had a 81% turn out.

In 2004, I was so dissapointed. I was 15 years old, unable to vote and was ashamed at the turn out of the youth. I vowed that I would do better. If I had to sit through another four years of Bush, I WOULD do better.
And we did. We showed the world that we are not only involved with the mall, our text messaging, our iphones and the Hills. We are young adults with a cause. We are showing the world that we do not need military force to solve problems, and we've elected a calm, level headed ideal thinker who will lead our generation to be something great. I can feel it.

America spoke up- the youth spoke up.

One thought occurred to me as I walked through the campus mall a few short days ago. The lawn was littered with Obama, Smith, Kind and Dexter signs, with the occasional rival republican signs. And I thought, "This is MY country. This is my future, this is my country, and we have not choice but to elect a leader who will help us achieve our goals."

And as the 44th President of the United States said this evening, we proved that our generation is not apathetic.

We are on fire.

Days 3 and 4

Yeah, ok, sorry. I know that since you mind so much, I'm making a joint entry.

Day 3: Talking As If You're Listeners Are Omnipresent

So this one was a real eyeopener. Not that I make a habit of talking badly about people or anything. It wasn't so much that as having raise the question, "Would this person I'm mentioning be comfortable with me talking about them to another person"
Not even bad stuff.

For example, I babysat my cousins on day 3 (which was a Saturday). They were talking about our other cousins' cute little dogs. And I told them a story about how one time, one of the dogs grabbed our cousin's underwear and dragged it around the house. The boys found this very funny, but I had to stop and think, "would our other cousin like them to know that?" In this case, I don't think she would mind, but it allowed the question to sit in the back of my head the rest of the day. What don't people want shared? Obviously, secrets are secrets and they are kept between people, but little stuff. Little embarrassing stories that no one ever says "Don't share that" about, but are still questionable when brought up elsewhere. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can get yourself into an interesting situation by sharing some information that perhaps wasn't expected to be shared. So I guess I'll try harder in the future to see what is appropriate to share about others and what is not.

Day 4: Only Saying Positive Things

I consider myself to be a pretty optimistic person. Generally. But wow was I surprised on day 4. I definitely did not say positive things all day. I sure did say a lot about John McCain and Sarah Palin. And knowing me, they weren't necessarily nice things.

I let myself fall into a trap of bitter ranting and I don't stop easily. Part of it was that I got a ride back to school from a friend I haven't talked with in a while. So we caught up, and she asked "Whatever happened between you and Caleb? Do you still talk?"
And that most definitely held some negatives.

Which is a problem I still wrestle with after how many months? The issue is this: If I speak positively and let go of my anger, I feel I am not justifying myself as an individual. It's saying, "Ok, he's right. He was right about everything. I am immature and it was wrong to be upset if he didn't call when he said he would."

But I don't feel like an immature person. I feel I can act immaturely, but I feel like I am so much wiser than I got credit for. And I don't want to let go of that, because what will be left of me? My decisions are made on my maturity to pass up drinking, drugs and premarital sex. If I give up on that, then what's the point?

I did learn some valuable lessons from that break up. I know that it was wrong for me to take it in as a way of self-loathing, and I know I should have said, "take me as I am instead of trying to change me" instead of, "oh, but I've been getting better at changing that for you!" Which I did say, more or less, on March 10th, 2008.
I know how my storytelling is perceived as narcissism and I've made significant steps to fix that. To improve myself for God and myself, not any one person. Trying to do stuff like I did for 4 days for the last few months. Ask questions, don't talk unless it's important, etc.

So I need to find balance in respecting myself and standing up for what I believe in without being negative about what was said and done. I take solace in Matthew 10:5-14

Jesus sent them out with the following instructions:
"As you go, preach this message: 'The kingdom of heaven is near'.
Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.
Do not take along any gold or silver or copper in your belts;
Take no bag for the journey, or extra tunic, or sandals or a staff; for the worker is worth his or her keep.
Whatever town or village you enter, search for some worthy person there and stay in that house until you leave.
As you enter the home, give it your greeting.
If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you.
If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.

So those are my thoughts on a 4 day journey.

Day Two: Asking Questions

Sorry for not updating yesterday - I got home rather late last night and wanted to spend time with my family (and also spend a decent amount of time sleeping...although that didn't happen)

As mentioned, yesterday was a day to ask only questions. I tried to concentrate on other people's lives more than my own. Rather than giving detail about what was going on in my life, I would give a quick answer and ask them about theirs. I would like to consider myself a generally curious person, so I felt like this wasn't much of a change from usual conversation other than I was more aware of it.
It got difficult when in a real conversation, where mutual sharing needed to happen. It's hard to have a discussion when one person does all the talking. I did slip into some unnecessary comments yesterday, but at least I was aware of them. Again with the talking for the sake of their being noise rather than silence.

Most of what is unnecessary, I find, is stories. It's a way of reminiscing for me, or trying to connect people to an awesome way I've felt, but it doesn't always end up working out how I hope. I guess it can be taken as me wanting to talk about myself. And truly, that isn't my intention. In fact, most of my stories revolve around something funny my friends said, or something awesome my family members do. So it's not about me necessarily, but more about what I appreciate in my life. One of the reasons I talked about Caleb so much when we dated, I imagine, because he was something I appreciated. And I know that all my cute stories about him could drive my mom nuts.

But at least I was conscious of it all, and hopefully, I will continue to be once these four days are over. When the day is done, I'll give you a little update about my current test. :)

Day One: Silence

So here's the report on my first day of the four day test.

Today's challenge was to stay silent unless I felt I had something necessary to say. If what I said in a conversation "makes a difference" then it was worth saying.

I'll admit, I forgot until about 8:30 this morning. I had done a decent amount of useless talking in the first 30 minutes of my honors class, cracking jokes about random things.
I was not silent for the day - I don't think that was the point. In fact, I know that's not the point. The point was to make good, pointed conversations that actually meant something and learning to separate the meaningful stuff from the useless.
And I suppose I could consider most of today a success.

I really noticed how often I trail off into nothingness. I tried to make sure that everything I said today had a point to it- that I wasn't just talking for the sake of it. Part of noticing this is the acknowledgment that I'm a freshman- just as awkward as I was at age 15 stepping into the high school, except I don't have parents I go home to every night. And I've found more here than anywhere else that I feel like I need to say something worth value. I've been so shy in the last 2 months, and I feel like if I don't converse with people, I'll never make friends. So I say something, anything for the sake of saying it.
So now I need to figure out a way to make friends and acquaintances without feeling like that. I know that I can be personable and likeable- so why am I having such a hard time?

This activity has brought on a lot more than I initially expected, but God works that way, I suppose.

Not much more to say than that *smirks*

The Great Tongue Test

This is something my bible study group will do starting tomorrow. I'm excited to try this: this kind of experiments are really eye opening.

Day One: Silence

Here’s the challenge: See how little you can say in 24 hours.

In every situation, ask yourself, “Will what I say make a difference?”

James 1:19-21 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Proverbs 17:28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

James 1:26 If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.

Day Two: Asking Questions

Here’s the challenge: Once your silence test is over and you’re ready to use some words again, Just Ask Questions.

Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Ecclesiastes 3:7b …a time to be silent and a time to speak.

I Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, is not proud.

Mark 10:46-52 and also James 1:19 again

Don’t you love it when other people live out these Scriptures around you? Who impresses you more, the person who frequently shares their resume or the person who asks about yours? At our core, we want to be known and appreciated.

Day Three: Speaking as if Your Subjects are Omnipresent

Here’s the challenge: Only say about people what you would say to their face.

That goes for everyone: your family, roommates, professors, bosses, or anyone else you tend to talk about.

Ecclesiastes 10:20 Do not revile the king even in your thoughts, or curse the rich in your bedroom, because a bird of the air may carry your words, and a bird of the wing may report what you say. (Solomon even extends this principle to how we talk about people we may never meet!)

Psalm 101:5a Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to silence.

Proverbs 10:18 He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.

Proverbs 11:9 With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape.

Proverbs 11:12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.

You’ll likely find that simply holding your tongue is the best response when you’re living with the (realistic) assumption that everything you say will get back to the person about whom you’re talking.

Day Four: Making Only Positive Comments

Here’s the last test: Say only constructive things. The point of this day is to look for opportunities to bring healing through your words. It doesn’t just mean refraining from hurtful comments. It means only saying things that help-deliberately choosing to bless instead of curse.

Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 10:31-32 The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out. The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

Proverbs 29:20 Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

I Peter 3:10 Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue form evil and his lips form deceitful speech.

Proverbs 22:11 He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.

I'll keep you updated on how things go.

Sometimes Pictures Change

I've never been much of an artist in the sense of paint brushes, oils and pastels. But I know that in my limited experience in drawing, you have a plan of what you want it to look like, and sometimes (arguably, a lot) it turns out looking like something else. Sometimes better.

Sometimes Pictures change.

The picture of my life that I've been paining in my life has been drastically changing. It was changing senior year, but now I'm almost to the point of ripping the canvas off the easel and making something else entirely.

I've been thinking a lot about my major. yeah, it's a lot of work. But I love it. I love music more than a lot of things. But it may not be enough on its own anymore. When I'm 99 (and a half) and letting go of life, I need to, NEED TO, be able to let go knowing that I left the world a better place than I found it.
And although reaching out to students in a midwestern high school is important, it may not be ENOUGH. I need to do more.

Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap.

I'm not sure yet. I don't know why this fire would suddenly start if it weren't important and worth paying close attention to. My interest and concern in politics has exploded (to most of the people who know me, you'd think it couldn't get any worse, but it totally has) and a lot of my concerns lie in foreign affiars. I think about using my music as a tool to connect to people around the world. Joining the peace corps, teaching in foreign countries, seeing with my own two eyes if everything I guess is truth.

Even now I feel it's heat upon my skin.A life of passion that pulls me from within, A life that I am making to begin.

And I'm not giving up on my major as a Choral Educator. I'll probably do that someday. I have years and years for that. But for now, while my mind is clear and my heart is in the right place, I need to pursue this idea as well.
I think we know how upset I am with our current foreign policy. I want people to know that I am not repesented by George W. Bush and his doctrine of preemptive war. And this itch will not be scratched until I can do something about it.

I've got time to think about it and figure it out. Time to pray about it and figure out what God wants me to do with my life.
But all of this exciting.

Because my picture's changed.

Public Service Announcement

I am really tired of people assuming I want to know the happenings in my ex-boyfriend's life.

I don't. Like, really, really don't.

It's much easier to remember him the way he was when we had a mutual, interdependent relationship. I don't so much want constant reminders that we are that different.
I don't want to feel this uncomfortable.

But I wonder if I should make a 'public service announcement' or talk to people about it rather than hearing it and being bothered by its contents (I shouldn't be, but since I am, it's better just not to hear it).
Maybe just a "from now on, I'd rather not want to hear about it, thanks..."? It doesn't happen as much as it used to, but really, I'd like to stop it altogether.

Generally, it just makes me feel ill. Eau Claire works as a general remedy, but...

Political Flexing

So, I get sent anti-Obama emails all the time. And usually I ignore then and delete them. I've expressed my views of why I'm voting for Obama on more than one occasion, so I felt no need to reply and tell them I disagree. But this one could not go unreplied:

YOU AIN'T GOING TO LIKE LOSING... PLEASE READ THIS WITH AN OPEN MIND I know everyone has a different opinion on the war and our current President. But, this article makes a lot of sense, take 2 minutes, read it and give it some thought. When electing the next President, 'the only decision you have to make is who you want sitting in that seat in the White House when - not if - WHEN we get hit again and millions of American lives are put at risk!'
This is from: 'You ain't gonna like losing.' Author unknown.

President Bush did make a bad mistake in the war on terrorism. But the mistake was not his decisio n to go to war in Iraq . Bush's mistake came in his belief that this country is the same one his father fought for in WWII. It is not.

Back then, they had just come out of a vicious depression. The country was steeled by the hardship of that depression, but they still believed fervently in this country. They knew that the people had elected their leaders, so it was the people's duty to back those leaders. Therefore, when the war broke out the people came together, rallied behind, and stuck with their leaders, whether they had voted for them or not or whether the war was going badly or not.

And war was just as distasteful and the anguish just as great then as it is today. Often there were more casualties in one day in WWII than we have had in the entire Iraq war. But that did not matter. The people stuck with the President because it was their patriotic duty. Americans put aside their differences in WWII and worked together to win that war.

Everyone from every strata of society, from young to old pitched in. Small children pulled little wagons around to gather scrap metal for the war effort. Grade school students saved their pennies to buy stamps for war bonds to help the effort. Men who were too old or medically 4F lied about their age or condition trying their best to join the military.

Women doubled their work to keep things going at home. Harsh rationing of everything from gasoline to soap, to butter was imposed, yet there was very little complaining. You never heard prominent people on the radio b elittling the President. Interestingly enough in those days there were no fat cat actors and entertainers who ran off to visit and fawn over dictators of hostile countries and complain to them about our President. Instead, they made upbeat films and entertained our troops to help the troops' morale. And a bunch even enlisted.

And imagine this: Teachers in schools actually started the day off with a Pledge of Allegiance, and with prayers for our country and our troops! Back then, no newspaper would have dared point out certain weak spots in our cities where bombs could be set off to cause the maximum dama ge. No newspaper would have dared complain about what we were doing to catch spies. A newspaper would have been laughed out of existence if it had complained that German or Japanese soldiers were being 'tortured' by being forced to wear women's underwear, or subjected to interrogation by a woman, or being scared by a dog or did not have air conditioning.
There were a lot of things different back then. We were not subjected to a constant bombardment of pornography, perversion and promiscuity in movies or on radio. We did not have legions of crack heads, dope pushers and armed gangs roaming our streets. No, President Bush did not make a mistake in hi s hand ling of terrorism. He made the mistake of believing that we still had the courage and fortitude of our fathers. He believed that this was still the country that our fathers fought so dearly to preserve.

It is not the same country. It is now a cross between Sodom and Gomorra and the land of Oz. We did unite for a short while after 9/11, but our attitude changed when we found out that defending our country would require some sacrifices. We are in great danger. The terrorists are fanatic Muslims. They believe that it is okay, even their duty, to kill anyone who will not convert to Islam. It has been estimated that about one third or over three hundred million Muslims are sympathetic to the terrorists cause... Hitler and Tojo combined did not have nearly that many potential recruits. So... We either win it - or lose it - and you ain't gonna like losing.

America is not at war. The military is at war. America is at the mall, o r watc hing the movie stars. ( Remember Obama said in his book 'Audacity of Hope', 'I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction'.....what better place for the Muslins to control our country, than in the office of the President of USA . If you ever forwarded an e-mail, now's the time to do it!)

I couldn't let this one go unanswered. If this kind of mindset was the reason I was getting these emails in the first place- a mindset with false information, I had to say something. So I flexed my understanding of situations, did some research and replied with this:

I would like to say, I read this and found a few misconceptions. I've been learning a lot in my World Politics class, and the theories we've been discussing directly affect what's going on today.

One of the more prominent things we've discussed is the idea of the "Security dilemma" and the "Prisoner's dilemma". The idea basically states that if a country acting as a unit is afraid for its survival, it can make irrational decisions to protect itself. This can be avoided by a shift of mindset. If instead of using Militaristic hard power as we have been using for the last 8 years, we used mutually benefiting diplomacy in foreign policy, we would find much more cooperation in the world. If we worked through the Power of the UN, as we did in the end of WW2, we would find foreign countries more willing to cooperate and discuss America's interests.
The forwarded email made it seem like a country was the cause of 9/11, when in reality the Taliban caused the attack. Iraq has never been attached to Al Qaeda, according to this CNN article: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/13/alqaeda.saddam/
Barack Obama has expressed many times that if the United States receives good information that Osama Bin Laden can be found, we will follow. I believe that this is a cause Americans will unite under.
People, my generation, still fervently believe in this country. If people didn't care, they wouldn't say anything. Instead, people are complaining because they want change. It's not that they're never happy or need to suck it up, it's people expressing their rights and their views in order to make change happen. In hopes that their government will listen to them and make a difference. Barack Obama is trying- he has done much more with a grassroots campaign, visiting places all over the country, reminiscent of William Jennings Bryan's Whistle-stop campaigning.

Even FDR had critics- on broadcast, in the newspaper, etc. He dealt with critics throughout the Great Depression and World War II, from the New Deal to Court Packing to American Internment Camps. But he is looked back on as a compromiser and one of the United States' Best presidents. The fact is, George W. Bush has not been a very good leader. It is nationally acknowledged that President George W. Bush has made poor decisions in the last 8 years. His current average approval rating is around 34 percent. This article goes into detail about Bush's misleading statements involving the war in Iraq: http://projects.publicintegrity.org/WarCard/
And although we want to stand behind our president and our country, this country is made up of its ideals. This is a country of civic nationalism, devoted to the idea of free speech and pursuit of happiness. And if we are going to fight for what our fathers fought for, its the ability to stand against injustice. And if people feel that George W. Bush has been unjust during his term, they have the right to do so. We're a place of religious freedom and acceptance of different ethnicities. People come to this country for the opportunities provided by our rights. That's what we're built on. Not a race or a religion, but freedom. I believe that this is the most important part of fighting for this country. What else are we built on but the ideals of our founding fathers?

Starting in 2003, my school started every morning off with the Pledge of Allegiance. Schools are promoting patriotism.

In reply to the comment about Hitler and Tojo, it must be admitted that the world has grown vastly in size since that time. 300 million has a different value 1939 than it does in 2008, the same as $10 has a difference. In reply to 300 million being sympathetic to terrorism, I am not sure how much I trust that source. "sympathetic" can be mean a lot of different things. Even if it were the case that all 300 million decided to go against the United States, that's not as large as our current population estimated at 305,403,967 people. In addition, we have many allies through NATO, which is in a pact to support us if ever attacked (called into affect for the 1st time on 9/11). In terms of sheer damage, there is no comparison. The United States can hurt others so much more than it can be hurt. We are the world's only superpower.
I believe that it isn't the American lifestyle, opportunity or freedoms that upset people around the world. It isn't our McDonald's restaurants or shopping malls. It's the Foreign policy that people don't like. When interviewed in the 2004 Documentary "I Know I'm Not Alone" by Michael Franti, Iraqi's were unhappy with Bush's preemptive foreign policy, not American lifestyle. I believe that we as humans, no matter where we live, experience a lot of the same things: life, death, family, love. That alone is enough reason not to attack another country: because the loss of a son or a daughter hurts equally in the north as it does in the south, east and west.

Finally, I need to address the alarming misquotation of Barack Obama in his book "Audacity of Hope". The actual quote, found on page 261 is as follows: "Of course, not all my conversations in immigrant communities follow this easy pattern. In the wake of 9/11, my meetings with Arab and Pakistani Americans, for example, have a more urgent quality, for the stories of detentions and FBI questioning and hard stares from neighbors have shaken their sense of security and belonging. They have been reminded that the history of immigration in this country has a dark underbelly; they need specific reassurances that their citizenship really means something, that America has learned the right lessons from the Japanese internments during World War II, and that I will stand with them should the political winds shift in an ugly direction."

The quote was in reference to a repeat of Internment camps, not about siding with Muslim leaders of foreign countries. Even if he was a Muslim, wouldn't it seem more likely that foreign leaders would want to cooperate, rather than with someone of a different belief system?
But Obama is not a Muslim. He has family ties back to Kenya, yes, but he is 100% American, just like anyone else born on American soil. He, his wife and his two girls are Christian. They attended the United Church of Christ, a non-denominational protestant church. Since the campaign trail, they have started looking for a new Christian congregation (preferably in the D.C. area!) Muslim belief in Allah does not mean a hatred of Christianity. On the contrary, following the teachings of their prophet Mohammed, it is believed that the Muslim God is the same God that Jesus Christ believed in. If we can share a God, we can share a world.

In love & peace,

Lauren


And as strange as it seems, I was really proud of what I had done, almost the way I felt after writing my Prufrock Paper for AP Lit. This election has given me a real sense of purpose- I talk to real people, hear about their concerns and try to make a difference by reporting back to the Obama campaign. I do get hung up on quite a bit, but the other night phonebanking I talked to almost every other person I called. Some of them were really great conversations.
I had a talk with a man leaning McCain/Palin but was relatively undecided who talked with me about his concerns & worries about the future of this country and I greatly appreciated the way he respected me. When we hung up he said, "keep fighting the good fight", even though I was not supporting the candidate he was potentially supporting - he told me to keep going.
And I will, down to the very last minute.

Little Things

I've been sitting on my computer for an hour or so, brooding over a problem the size of an anthill turning into a mountain, because it's what I do.

And then Shauna said something that reminded me that once upon a time, a boy who cared immensely for me asked my father if it was alright if we dated.

And I smiled and was thankful for remembering it. And I thought it was nice that such a nice memory didn't have to be ruined.

And if things could feel so nice once, certainly, my anthill sized problems can resolve, and surely, I will find another boy like that someday.

The difference between a cult and a campaign

is that eventually a campaign ends. Does it go a little something like that, Kevin? Don't want to mince the words...

There are those moments in life, where you feel yourself catch fire. I have been wrapped up in this election since the very start, and this won't end until the Fourth of November.

That's 26 days from now if I've done my math correctly. If I haven't, I should take remedial math soon. But until November 4th, I will be working my hardest to get Barack Obama in the white house. I've been working with the College Democrats here at UWEC and I still feel like I'm not doing enough. Tomorrow, we're raiding the dorms to try to get people registered. On November 4th, I will be missing all my classes to stand on campus mall and get people to vote. (Sorry mom, but I've been assigned a job)
I've started to realize just how important it is to vote. I've always thought so, but now more than ever. Our Nation is not built on ethnic nationalism. We do not have a common culture, language or religion. Or at least, in theory. We are built on a civic nationalism, a common idea that every person was created equal, that their values and opinions MATTER. And if we don't act like it, that right might as well be taken away. I mean, people DIED for this belief- died for a seemingly impossible cause. Going against the worlds superpower of the time for the right to vote. Want something to be proud of? It's the right to share your opinion. It's being able to say "I'm a citizen of the U.S. and my opinion matters!" The enlightenment ideals that this country was built on is the only thing keeping me devoted to this country. The idea that a person is a person is a person is a person.
Not only is this our right, ladies and gentleman, it is our RESPONSIBILITY. If we want to live up to our founding fathers' expectations, it is to continue to be involved in politics, to be informed individuals, and to support a candidate that best fits your views. I'm sorry, but not voting in this election is not an option.

I've heard people say "It doesn't matter if I vote. I'm one person." In the 2000 election, the state of Wisconsin went blue by an average of 1 vote per ward. ONE VOTE. In 2004, it was by two votes. Talk about making a difference. I've also heard "I trust the system of checks and balances to stand up to any president, no matter how corrupt they are." But the fact is, the person elected will represent YOU. Do you want that to be someone with 10 houses and a private jet or God forbid, a self proclaimed "Hockey Mom"? The system of checks and balances may be able to undo a veto, but it can't undo a stupid comment made that can insult a foreign leader. It can't undo our terrible economy. Do you want to risk that?

I've heard some people say that religion is what keeps them undecided in this- whether it's voting for their candidate or voting at all. My belief as a Christian voter is in the Our Father- "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven". If you believe in a heavenly kingdom, you'd better work to make those things happen here. Think about the things that Jesus wanted. God gave us free choice, he allowed us to make decisions for ourselves. Shouldn't our government provide the same thing? Shouldn't it allow women to make the choice about their own bodies, allow individuals to make the choice about their domestic partners? Jesus came for peace. Through DIPLOMACY, FRIENDSHIP and RESPECT, not war or hard power. He had no intention of fighting the Romans. As religious people following Jesus Christ, shouldn't we be doing the same? Diplomacy and Love? Ladies and Gentlemen, John McCain and his fellow republican warmongers need to be stopped. He has no intention of using diplomacy. He has no intention of pulling out of Iraq. It is time for people to stop dying. There is no such thing as a winnable war, and there is no such thing as a good or just war. War is NOT a necessary evil. As a Christian, I believe this is the antithesis of what God wants. And by not voting, you are not supporting a candidate who can stop this. You are handing it to a man who will continue condemning thousands of people living on the other side of the world to death, like we have been since 2003. No one can do your job for you. YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF.

But perhaps I'm preaching to the choir...or to no one at all. Point being, I am throwing myself into this, because it is the most important thing in my world right now. And I believe that I am doing the right thing.

And we all know how ridiculously loud mouthed I am about my support for Barack Obama. But as Noam Chomsky once said, if you don't believe in freedom of expression for the people you despise, you don't believe in it at all. If you support John McCain, fine. If you believe he is the right man for the job, alright. I disagree, but use your right to express it. Vote for the person you want to represent you. Every person they meet, every thing they say, is going to reflect on YOU. That's why this is important.

Here's the funniest video I've seen lately to back up my point:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhDRVKDcXQo

This is probably going to be my political dumping grounds for the next few weeks. Share it with your friends.

peace, diplomacy & liberalism,

-Lauren

Counting Blessings

I've got awesome friends:

and an awesome Dad (with photoshop) too:

How awesome is that?

Strange Sensations

Do you ever hear, see or smell something that brings a strong reminiscent, nostalgic feeling of "I've felt this before"?
I'm not sure exactly what it was that brought it, but I've been thinking, (feeling?) Little Women all day. When I say that, I'm referring to the fall musical of my senior year. And I don't know exactly what it is that's making me feel this way, or why I can catagorize it as that, exactly.
To summarize my feelings during that musical, I would use the words: stress, fear, momentum, work, envy, openness, accomplishment and nostalgia. Not always the most pleasant of sensations...yet today I remember it with feelings, and it's a good feeling.
Peculiar isn't it? I spent a lot of time Senior year wishing I was out of it, and a lot of time clinging to it for dear life. Looking back at this blog alone, a lot of crappy stuff happened, but I still look back on things fondly as time passes.

I wonder if people say that college is the best time of their lives for the very same reason.

Granted, I am having fun. Lots of it, in fact. I'm adjusting a lot better than I origionally believed I would. But it is different than people painted it. I don't feel any bigger, smarter or worldlier in my little over a month here. I'm still just Lauren, back in Freshman year...except it's a bigger place now. I can see upperclassmen as I saw them a couple years ago. Knowing that they were once in this spot, and knowing that I will be in their spots in coming years. Knowing that I'll be one of the loud, example setting Seniors in WOCO is an exciting feeling...
(We won the pep-rally cheering competition, Yell Like Hell, last night, much to the Statesmen's dismay. Go WOCO!)

I am glad to be at the point where aquaintences and shallow friendships are becoming deeper friendships built on more than "we have English class together" or "we both like Friends" (which, oh my goodness, Caitlin, Shauna and I can't stop watching to save our lives. It's week 3 and we're in Season 3 of 10. I'm sorry for not beliving how easy it is to start a series & need to finish it) I now have people I really feel like I can talk to about problems.

The one thing I am concerned about is people getting to know all of me. I feel like certain people only see certain sides: and for me to feel completely comfortable, they need to see that I'm deeper than one level. For example, the College Democrats, who I have been actively part of for over 2 weeks, needs to see more than just the loudmouth liberal- there's also morality and relgion making up a large part of my reasoning. And they don't know it yet. Same with bible study- it makes me feel like I'm kind of fake. I don't know how to let them see other facets of my life if we only ever talk about one thing...but that's the point of those groups, you know?

I can't grasp my words today. I need to get more sleep.

Peace & Love

Small Steps

I feel totally awesome.

I am so proud of myself right now, and without going into any large detail, I just want to say that I am happy to have had such great guidance for the first 18 years of my life. Because I know know know that I have a good head on my shoulders.

Sometimes there are those moments that you reach an obstacle and you say, "ok, if I can get through this, I can get through the rest of it" - so you keep your focus in sight and keep pushing forward. And then you know you can do the rest because the worst of it is over.

Tonight, I was reminded that it is more important for me to like myself than for others to like me. And if I like myself and can be confident with my decisions and judgment, other people like me too.

It's nights like this that I hold onto to remember that I am a good person, and I know who I am.

Thanks to all of you that helped along the way.

Peace & Love,

Lauren

Address - this is so bad and internet stalker inviting...

In case any of you were thinking of writing to me (since I know my family reads this now- welcome!) I thought I would post my school address here. Grandma, this is for you :)


My Name :D
658 Towers North
642 University Dr.
Eau Claire, WI 54701

Love you all

I Could Not Let You Go

I love WOCO. There is a consensus between the 80 of us that we are the greatest cult around. By that, I sincerely mean that I love my women's choir (WOCO for short...) and having so many sisters is really, really great. Did I mention that of all the people (particularly of all the music people) I've met on campus, the girls from WOCO are the ones that legitimately remember my name and care about what I have to say? It's nice. Nothing could replace Cantabile or Madison Youth Choir in my heart, but having WOCO is the closest I can get.

We're singing really great literature. In particular, we are singing two pieces by James Quitman Mulholland (who is coming to work with us and record us for his cd later this fall) that pull me. Mulholland has always pulled me. "If Music Be the Food of Love" and "Heart We Will Forget Him!" especially. He is especially good at translating emotions into music- so much that one can feel the pull of their heartstrings in the dissonance between the 2nd Sopranos and Altos. Know what I mean? Great stuff.

The piece I feel most connected to of the two (the one that isn't in a frustrating time signature of 7/8) is called "I Could Not Let You Go". Both the pieces have text from poems by Edna St. Vincent Millay. "I Could Not Let You Go" is from a set of sonnets. I thought I would share the text- it is so beautiful, and when Mulholland works his magic and sets it to music...oh. So, so wonderful.


"Strange thing that I, by nature nothing prone
To fret the summer blossom on its stem,
Who know the hidden nest, but leave alone
The magic eggs, the bird that cuddles them,
Should have no place till your bewildered heart
Hung fluttering at the window of my breast,
Till I had ravished to my bitter smart
Your kiss from the stern moment, could not rest.
"Swift wing, sweet blossom, live again in air!
Depart, poor flower; poor feather you are free!"
Thus do I cry, being teased by shame and care
That beauty should be brought to terms by me;
Yet shamed the more that in my heart I know,
Cry as I may, I could not let you go."

Best Wishes,

- Lauren

A few things

Things I Like:

- mascots giving high fives at the bottom of the hill monday morning
- Womens Concert Chorale
- transfer meals
- watching tv in bed
- meeting new people
- the way the Chippewa river looks from the footbridge
- "The Dress Looks Nice On You" by Sufjan Stevens at the end of a long day
- "Soundtrack to Our Movie" by Mae at anytime of day
- only having to wait one more day until I get to see my family

Things I Do Not Like:

- headaches
- that sudden urge for sleep around 2 pm
- only having 2 bowls and 2 plates
- having to swim, then bike and or run to lower campus in less than 10 minutes. I did not sign up for a triathlon to get to class.
- my job


That's pretty much it for now, folks. Just a piece of my mind this afternoon/evening.

:)

WHOO, COLLEGE. (Pt. 2)

I can't even say how excited I am to be here! There are so many opportunities to meet people- my dorm is the biggest (10 floors) and everywhere you go there are new faces.

It's nice to mix old friends and new friends. I'll see people from school (or in Amy's case, choir) and we'll sit down with a few people and just talk. Today Kaley and I met our male twins. For Kaley, a movie loving music ed major from a lower campus dorm, and as for myself, a Stephen King reading music performance baritone from the all boy's dorm. We discovered that we were all in vocal jazz, all sang different voice parts and laughed as we sang Frim Fram Sauce & I'll Be Seeing You.

I find that i can't stay away from music oriented people. It's just in me, to connect to people who share the same love of music I have. It is such a big part of my life, and although this is a time for change, I don't think I will find my love of it changing.

It's also fun to talk about people I know from my hometown (in a kind of homesick, nostalgic way) and have people say, "oh, that sounds like my friend _____!" We're all in the same boat.

I don't know if any of you, invisible readers, have seen the old tv show Fat Albert, but I'll describe something: Fat Albert & his friends play a game against the neighborhood bullies called Buck Buck. It's a game Bill Cosby created, where one team all lines up, grabs each other around hte waist and bends so their back make a long runway of sorts. Then the other team take a running jump on their backs, one by one, piling up. The goal of the first team is to knock a player off their backs, and the goal of the second team is to get the first team to fall over. I watched the RA's teach some of the new freshman how to play for at least half an hour and it was hilarious. Prepare for pictures.

More stories soon :)

WHOO, COLLEGE.

It's almost 8 am here in Eau Claire, WI and I am sooo tired.

But I am really super happy here and it's only the second day. I am starting to think that my mother was right in saying that I was born for this. I have never been so happy being all by myself. I can't wait until classes start.

Just in case you were worried ;)

Prufrock

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advice the prince; no doubt, an easy tool
Deferential, glad to be at use,
Politic, cautious and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost at times, the fool.

I grow old...I grow old...
I shall wear the bottom of my trousers rolled.

~~~

I am so out of my mind I don't know anything. Blagh.

This is the feminist side of me.

Today I read this article about men & their feelings of plastic surgery.
(this is the article) <-- you should read it.
It made me feel really great in the skin that I'm in. I don't think I'd ever consider that kind of surgery, but hearing encouragement for women to keep their real bodies is nice. It takes the pressure off of having to be perfect- and I think guys don't always realize what kind of pressure there is in being a woman. Having to be a caring, loving girlfriend without giving everything. Making sacrifices without sacrificing everything. Making changes to fit a relationship without changing or compromising ourselves. Being understanding and easy going without being walked on. Being able to fool around and not be frigid without being called a slut. There are so many double standards women deal with and there's no way we can deal with it without guys sneering and calling us "a bunch of crazy, bra burning feminists"


Lately (and for a good part of my life) I have been (can be) irritated with men in general. It is so irritating growing up in a man's world.
Guys get irritated with women saying this, but the reason we say it is because it's true. This is a man's world. I have been in several female ensembles where some seriously difficult music was pulled off beautifully- and the male ensembles are still crowd favorites just because they're men and seeing them sing is cool. How frustrating knowing their music is one fourth the difficulty of what you just performed.

Guys can fool around with as many girls as they like and can be called a pimp. A girl gets a little action and she gets called numerous things with negative connotation. There seems to be some differentiation between the women you marry and the women you date or fool around with. It is more socially acceptable for a man to have lost his virginity than a woman.
Why?

I won't even touch the subject of periods and childbirth.

And why doesn't this social standing change? Why, for centuries, has our culture focused on the strengths and feats of men and not women? For the same reason the U.S. doesn't give up its WMAs: It's nice to be on top.






postscript: I would love to have a real discussion with men about this. Most men cringe from this subject because it's one women get passionate about. If you are a man & reading this, I would love to hear, er...read your feedback. A while ago a friend told me they don't know how to comment. Below this entry it should say "0 comments" (because no one is adding them!) and will allow you to add a comment. You can choose a number of options for commenting, from anonymous to just your name to an account.
This is a discussion topic, just say something

Silence and Solitude

There is so much going on inside of me right now that I have no control over. And I don't think there is a way to get a hold of it. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings that will all culminate in two weeks, for better or for worse.

But in the meantime, I am losing my mind. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't trust anybody enough to know me anymore.
(Disregarding my family, but it is counter productive to say the word "College" in front of my mother )

In the aftermath of what's happened in the last 6 months or so, I have become so stubborn. I bounced from yielding to its opposite, so admitting that apologies may be due is difficult. And as justified as I feel wanting some for myself, I need to say If this is what you went through and I didn't notice when you needed someone to listen, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry that I made it hard for you by only expressing my own sadness and fear in your transition. I am sorry if I concentrated on me instead of being a friend.

I am not sure if I've ever felt this lonely before. But I guess in order to stand on my own, which I need to do from now on, I need to start alone.

And if you leave me alone long enough, I start to write. And in seeing it, reading it and feeling it, I like myself. That's a start.

Sixteen Days

Sixteen days before I will lift up my hypothetical pen from this very large sheet of paper, turn the page and start a new chapter of my life. How often have I heard leaving for college described thus?

But really, it's the best thing I can offer for an explanation right now.

This is so odd and so different from anything I've ever experienced before. Usually, when someone says "let's hangout before summer's over!" I will want to, but there's always a chance to see them a million times during school if I don't. That isn't the case anymore- I have this crazy feeling of "I MUST SEE EVERYONE ONE LAST TIME!" and I know it's impossible to say goodbye to every single person I want to say it to.
August has always had a certain buzz to it- a certain ring. The call of the future, telling you that your lounging is almost up, and it's time to go to work again. Whether it was drama camp, early morning swim practices, eye appointments or 1/2 off on shoes at Famous Footwear, my next year of school would whisper its excitement at my approach.

College is not a whisper: It's a deafening yell.
"DON'T FORGET TO PACK TAMPONS, LAUREN!" "YOU'D BETTER PRE-ORDER ALL OF YOUR BOOKS BEFORE ALL THE USED ONES ARE GONE!!"
"LOOK AT ME, I'M SO CLOSE AND YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER BEFORE I'M HERE!"

I feel like there's a mental preparation that has to come with college that I didn't need any other school year. In sixteen days, I could meet the love of my life, the woman who will be my maid of honor at my wedding or the person that will inspire me to do something I would have never done without talking to them, even just once.

I hear from people that high school is so inconsequential, that I won't feel bad about missing my friends once I'm in college. It feels weird, sucks, even, to be on the brink of discovering if that's true. I am sixteen days from finding out who are my real friends. And I guess a small, small part of me would rather not know. Who am I never going to see again? Who is going to be there for me for the rest of my life?

After the past week of shows, I can honestly say there are a lot of people I don't want to see for awhile. People who don't have the decency to confront me with problems but instead talk behind my back. I hope I will be able to say "that is so high school" a few months from now, but who knows. College will feel a little more real than living at home, but I won't be stupid and big headed like so many other college students I know: It's still a bubble. It's still not the real world.

I've found that after losing the biggest and closest friendship I've had, I don't really trust anyone the way I used to. I'm not sure I want to pour myself into my friendships with my high school friends if I will not receive the same devotion. It is easy to be bitter, but it is also easy to tell the truth: I lost my best friend to someone else when he went to college. It hurt for a long time (every once and awhile, it still does) but I guess I learned something. I don't want to pour myself only into old friendships, because people change. And it's ok, and it's great- change needs to happen for life to go forward. I am not sure what friendships will stay after that change. Hopefully many, but we will see.

I am trying to find a nice balance between excitement and fear. I've been pretty emotional about this lately, between leaving my hometown, my friends and my family. I feel like I've needed to talk about this, without having someone to talk to. All of my friends and my family, are affected by this, so there's no unbiased source there. Typing it out on a computer screen is so much easier.

So here's a hope & prayer that everything will turn out better than alright. That God will bring to me whatever it is He wants me to have, and that I will be grateful for it. That I will learn things, both educationally and generally speaking at UW-Eau Claire that will make me a better person and a better follower of God.

May you find your tower, and breach it, and may you climb to the top.

Potential

As individuals, we can be whatever we want to be. The power to change our attitudes, our thoughts and our behavior is up to us.

I know what I want to change, I just don't know how.

This evening I became very very frustrated with myself. It started with something miniscule; one of my fellow actors being overly rude and pushy about a certain scene, but it lead to so much more. I was reminded of how just last week I had sat with this person through tears and discussion as a friend.
I understand good days/bad days, but this is constant. And not just from that one person, from everyone.

I feel like people take me for granted, use me for whatever makes them feel good and then leave. People don't appreciate how much I'd rather concentrate on my own problems than help them solve theirs. I would really, really love to have someone ask me about how I'm feeling about DP. I would really love for someone to ask me how I'm doing instead of me always asking them if I can help them with their problems. I feel like I give and give and give and love and love and love and I don't get much back.

People don't realize that some days, I'm the one that needs a hug, or a friend.

And I guess unless I stick up for myself in some way, this is never going to change. People are going to continue to take advantage of me and my good nature and think it's alright. Sure they appreciate me for awhile, and on occasion it gets paid back, but the scales are not even. I am giving a lot more than I am taking.

But how do I tell not just one friend but quite a few friends that I feel this way? That I want people to stop putting me down just because they're crabby and take some time to listen to what I'm really trying to say.

During the show I wrote "Get me the fuck out of here" on my leg. I just want to leave & go to college, hoping I can start over and get a little respect. If I don't find respect there, I don't know what I'll do.

A Small (or not so small) Reflection

The other day, just for fun (and because the internet and Canadian cable provided no other entertainment) I looked back on this blog from its beginning all the way until my recent posts. And I have to say, I see an incredible change in my writing, my feelings, my purpose and my thoughts. Of course, as a reader looking back, you may not being able to see things quite as clearly, because you cannot recall what I was thinking/feeling when I wrote the post. I am so, so happy to know that I have changed for the better in the 5 months (or so) that this blog has been around.

I realized while reading that getting my feelings out here, just saying what I needed to say, even if I was saying it to no one specifically, was a great part of the healing process. I am not going to pretend that I have recovered from the death of my aunt, but saying things here was easier than burdening someone. I still can't really bring it up with my friends. Saying, "hey, can I talk to you about my dead aunt?" really doesn't work well. Nor do I want it to work that way. It's impossible to agree with someone about how great a mango tastes if you've never had one. My family knew DP and they miss all the things I do. (thought I would mention, my aunt's name is Diana. Her last name is Paulina, so most often we called her "DP", just in case you are confused at the interchanging of names)
It's been so strange, being in this aftermath of her death. I don't think of her as dead, really. Every part of me says that it is impossible, that she can't be. I am not necessarily denying the fact that she has left us, only not thinking of it in a melancholy way. She has left us, yes, but for much greater things. And I only feel the real pain when I realize just how much I miss her. On family vacation, we spent a little time talking about her. After we were given some of her things by my uncle Kevin, people cried. I felt bad for not crying, for feeling numb about it all. But then my aunt Sara reminded me of the advice she pained to give me on her deathbed and I joined the numbers.
Even from her place in the Beyond, she is making me a stronger woman. She has really helped me clear my head, stand up for myself and see through a lot of bullshit people try to pull. I hope to continue to live like her as I approach college. From her teaching to her work with former cult members to her caretaking to her gardening, she was a woman worth following. I know that every member of my family continues to "summon their inner Diana" daily, and it makes us better people.

This hurt is one that is never really going to subside completely, but poke itself out every once in awhile, I think. She was family and her loss will always be remembered and she will always be a part of me. But it wasn't at all like losing a lover- where a lot of my time once devoted to one person now had to be spent elsewhere, and it was glaringly apparent. That was much harder to get through, but the light at the end was so wonderfully bright and warm, so much like rebirth (it is, in a way, I suppose). It isn't like that at all with Diana. You lose, you mourn and you live, but there is no "getting over it". Only going on with it. But having even known her, even for a short 18 years, it is a fair trade.

Despite all of this, this summer has been so incredibly great. I never imagined that I would have so good a summer. When we canceled Hair, I thought that work was going to be it for the summer. But I have spent a lot of time with my friends. I've gotten to know some of my friends better- friends that I have been hanging with since freshman year, that have said more stuff about how they really feel in 3 months than the entire 3 years before. I've gotten to know people I never really talked to at all until this summer. I've gotten to rediscover myself. Next time I bitch about all my plans changing, remind me how kick ass this summer was when all of my plans changed.

God's doing a lot of great things in my life. I may have had a lot of rain pour down on me second semester of Senior year, but I sure do appreciate the sunshine.

Peace & Love