Yeah, so these surveys are silly. But I figure it'd be a good way to review. In a couple months, we'll be coming up on the one year marker of this blog. *smiles* I gave up on it being a group effort a long time ago, since no one jumped on the band wagon. That's what Lessons is for. So what is this blog for you ask? I must ruefully admit, it's more for reasons of self importance than anything else. #149 in the list of Stuff White People Like.
So I'll take my moment of egotistical self importance to reflect on the year of 2008 A.D. with a chain facebook survey.
Stayed single almost the whole year?
Almost, save for the first few months.
Kissed someone new?
Yup.
Done something you've regretted?
Certainly.
Lost someone?
Indeed.
Cut class?
Election day :)
Were involved in something you'll never forget?
The 2008 election. Working with the Obama and Smith Campaigns was a totally fulfilling experience.
Got a gift you adore?
Yes.
Dyed your hair?
Don't think so. I've been growing my hair out for donation since late June, so that means no hair dye :(
Came close to losing your life?
Metaphorically, Second semester of senior year was like a Mafia hitman.
Went to a party?
Sure.
Read a GREAT book?
Several, actually!
Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
:) Motion City Soundtrack in May
Did you meet any new friends this year?
Thank you college!
Did you dislike anyone?
Mmm. Dislike, but nothing serious.
Did you grow apart from anyone?
Indeed.
2008: Your BIRTHDAY!
Did you have a cake?
Kind of - it was a cookie cake my mom sent home with my cousin Andrew.
Did you have a party?
I guess if that's what you want to call me, Shauna, Caitlin and Andrew watching the 2nd Presidential Debate and bitching about McCain whilst eating birthday cookie.
Did you get any presents?
Yeah! I saw Avenue Q!
2008: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?
Tons.
Did you change your style?
I suppose there are some different influences then last year, yeah.
Did you drive?
What kind of question is that? Well, I suppose some younger people are taking this too. So, yes. I did drive.
Did you own a car?
Nope.
Would you change anything about yourself now?
What a question. Of course there are things that I am working to get better at as far as behaviors, reactions, etc. are concerned, but the fact that that's on my mind? No, I wouldn't change me.
2008 WRAP UP:
Was 2008 a good year?
Yes. I went through a ton of shit at the beginning of the year. But I learned a lot about myself and came out so much stronger in faith, mind and body than I was before. And I wouldn't change that. I would go through it all again if I had to.
Do you think 2009 will be better then 2008?
Despite all of the things I just said, dear God, I pray that next year will be easier on me.
I confess that in 2008 I...
(x...I think?) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
(x) had your heart broken
(xxxxx) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x, but not seriously, I think) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x didn't I say that already?) done something you've regretted
OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) walked over a mile/ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
( ) posted a blog on MySpace
(x) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) prank called someone
In 2008 I...
[x] broke a promise
[x] fell out of love
[x] told a little white lie
[x] lied
[x] cried over a broken heart/break-up
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hidden a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[ ] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life
[x] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[ ] pretended to be sick
[ ] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[ ] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
[x] had a high cell phone bill
[x definition: college] spent most of your money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
[x] gotten sick
[x If that's what you call mindless crushes] liked more than 3 people at the same time
[x] became closer with a lot of people
There. I'm sure you're now healthily enlightened on stuff you didn't need to know.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Funny Feelings.
I've always had issues with leaving things behind. And yeah, as much as I've been all "change is good, becoming someone better, blah blah blah" there are still parts of my life I have a hard time leaving behind.
Facebook is a terrible way to spend time. Things come up on mini-feed and you can read anything you want about anyone. So sometimes I browse, check up on people I haven't seen in a long time and I ended up browsing profiles of my best friends from middle school. And I remember who I used to be. I was immature, loud, obnoxious, opinionated and most of my class hated me, but at least I wasn't trying to be anything. I think. If I remember correctly, although nostalgia can be blinding.
And I changed a lot in high school. I started pleasing people more, but people liked me more. And I liked being liked. And it wasn't as if I wasn't being real- those people got to know the silly, crazy, loud, opinionated side of me too. But I changed. I was different. And I was more concerned about what other people thought.
I wonder if my friends from middle school think I'm a sell out. I'm sure they think I'm a fool, getting all wrapped up in high school drama, trying so hard to make other people happy. I feel like maybe I lost a complete part of myself, or buried it at least. And I do care what they think, and I do miss them. I'm sad that I missed out on the things that made them who they are. And I wonder if things are going to be like that with my closest friends now, if we'll drift that way in college. It hasn't happened yet, which I'm thankful for.
Overall, I have a positive outlook on who I am. Yes, I have some qualms with myself, but I think I'm a good person. I like who I am. I think I would want to be friends with me.
But then sometimes I wonder if I should. Like, there's always that asshole in that one movie who thinks he's the coolest, and then he realizes that everybody doesn't really like him and he goes on some exponential change in personality to make it happen and everything is great. (i.e. The Family Man and every other movie with that story line) So I hope I'm not that guy...or girl, rather.
Facebook is a terrible way to spend time. Things come up on mini-feed and you can read anything you want about anyone. So sometimes I browse, check up on people I haven't seen in a long time and I ended up browsing profiles of my best friends from middle school. And I remember who I used to be. I was immature, loud, obnoxious, opinionated and most of my class hated me, but at least I wasn't trying to be anything. I think. If I remember correctly, although nostalgia can be blinding.
And I changed a lot in high school. I started pleasing people more, but people liked me more. And I liked being liked. And it wasn't as if I wasn't being real- those people got to know the silly, crazy, loud, opinionated side of me too. But I changed. I was different. And I was more concerned about what other people thought.
I wonder if my friends from middle school think I'm a sell out. I'm sure they think I'm a fool, getting all wrapped up in high school drama, trying so hard to make other people happy. I feel like maybe I lost a complete part of myself, or buried it at least. And I do care what they think, and I do miss them. I'm sad that I missed out on the things that made them who they are. And I wonder if things are going to be like that with my closest friends now, if we'll drift that way in college. It hasn't happened yet, which I'm thankful for.
Overall, I have a positive outlook on who I am. Yes, I have some qualms with myself, but I think I'm a good person. I like who I am. I think I would want to be friends with me.
But then sometimes I wonder if I should. Like, there's always that asshole in that one movie who thinks he's the coolest, and then he realizes that everybody doesn't really like him and he goes on some exponential change in personality to make it happen and everything is great. (i.e. The Family Man and every other movie with that story line) So I hope I'm not that guy...or girl, rather.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Check Up
Remember when I started this, I had a bunch of goals? I thought I'd review all of them to see where I have and haven't gone:
Start a Youth prayer group at church - so this one has not been touched. It was a little difficult being away at school, and then Paul, our most Catechist left. I don't really know the new woman in charge,so I'll have to start forming some contact if i really want this to happen. I'll need to do it sometime when I'm home- winter or summer break perhaps (probably the latter)
But to be optimistic and postive, at least I have a start. I'm in a bible study at school, so now that I have a feel for what a small group gathering is like, I can have a clearer vision of what I'd like to start.
Record a Demo - ahahaha. No, not yet. I've got options though. I think I need to write a bit more before I do that. But Casey's studio is always on option. We recorded by Senior recital this summer, so I do have those recordings for now. I'd be nice to do a full out demo though. Still thinking about it. I need to make more music.
Finish "White Houses" - THIS has been on my mind more than I like to admit. Now that I'm in college, things are so much clearer than they were in my experienceless imagination. I've been thinking about my characters a lot, thinking about music that speaks to me about their lives & how they feel (I enjoy writing to music) and I've been reconsidering things. Right now, the story is in 3rd person omniscient. Which works well to get a glimpse into every character's mind if needed. Yet at the same time, I think about putting it in 1st person for the main character, or multiple 1st person based on the chapters. I'm not sure. And I'm changing the title, I think. This story has evolved into being about more than just the song by Vanessa Carlton that gave me the inspiration. So I'm not sure "White Houses" fits anymore. I'll find something that works. As you can see, I'm revamping pretty much everying, but I'm really excited about it. Every day I have some new insight about my characters. How fun.
Pick A College - ha! I certainly did. And to be completely honest, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I love it here. This is a perfect fit for me, or at least a nearly perfect fit. If I had my way, we would have a few more men (Schneider calls Eau Claire "the land of women" joy.) And nicely enough, I am beginning to accept pretty much everything about the past year or so. For a long time I was filled with "What ifs" particularly about college.
To share a little secret, I wondered about what it would be like if my exboyfriend had decided to go here instead of the school he's at. Where would I be? Would I still have ended up here? And if that was the case, my experience would be totally different. It would have been his school first, and my outlook on college would have been totally different. Fortunately for me, Eau Claire is MY school. I feel so much pride & joy knowing that I am here, by myself, making myself into something. For the longest time the bitter part of me rued the day I heard, "I'm going to Wheaton" and now I see the blessing behind the disguise. Too bad it took me so long to figure it out.
Become more independent - :) If there's one thing I've been working towards for the last few months, it's this. Whether in regards to relationships or stances on issues or whatever, I have been striving to be ok on my own. I am particularly proud of what I've done since college. I know a lot of people reinvent themselves in college. There have been things I've actively been trying to change, but there are parts of me I will not let go. I know that I can look one of the cutest guys I know (not to mention one I respect) in the face and say, "no thanks, I don't want a beer." Done it several times, in fact. Because I know that deep down (maybe deep, deep down at times) I think I'm cool the way I am. And I know that I am loved for who I am, and changing so that others will like me is just not an option. One of my friends told me that in a conversation with another friend, he was told that I would "totally quit the 'non drinking thing' by sophomore year." I just laughed- I'd like to see anyone try to budge me from this spot. :)
Find truth and be truthful - Yeah, this one I need to work on. Ever since my little "week of honesty" test this summer, I realize what a little liar I am. Not big lies, just little fibs to avoid hurting people. The worst thing I do these days is lie & say I have homework when i don't want to hang out with someone. I do this quite often. I think perhaps I ought to be more truthful and tell them that I just can't spend every waking hour with them. As far as finding truth, I'm working on it. I've tried to open my mind a lot and see sides of things I hadn't before. I've been getting more involved in the political system (don't know if you noticed...har har) as well as trying to take a more active part in my religion. I'm trying to find the balance. It is so easy to go one way or another. To fear for one's salvation and start following every church rule without thought. I'm trying to find the balance in being a left wing Catholic, because there are times when neither side likes you. Again with the independence thing. I'd rather stand here by myself than get that sinking feeling in my stomach for turning away from a problem.
Serving God - I'm working on it, believe me, I am. It's hard to know exactly what He wants me to do. Right now, I feel like I'm going through a bit of a dead zone- no cell phone reception. I'm not getting any clues as to what I should be doing. I don't want to wander alone. And although my faith has been put back in place, things are still a little shaky from last weekend. I've been feeling so odd lately and finals don't help. Reading and listeng to other people's beliefs is quite beneficial. I'm still reading "Everything Must Change" by Brian McLaren, and I will have to admit, putting my angry, bitter self aside, that it is a very good book with lots of good ideas. Mostly, it says a lot of what I've been thinking and feeling for the last few years.
I don't know if there will be a clear voice telling me what I need to be doing with my life. I'm not sure if I'll be as lucky as Paul (well, Saul at the time) or Moses. But I guess I'll keep praying until I do hear something back. I want to head down the right path. Where is it?
Happy Holidays,
-Lauren
Start a Youth prayer group at church - so this one has not been touched. It was a little difficult being away at school, and then Paul, our most Catechist left. I don't really know the new woman in charge,so I'll have to start forming some contact if i really want this to happen. I'll need to do it sometime when I'm home- winter or summer break perhaps (probably the latter)
But to be optimistic and postive, at least I have a start. I'm in a bible study at school, so now that I have a feel for what a small group gathering is like, I can have a clearer vision of what I'd like to start.
Record a Demo - ahahaha. No, not yet. I've got options though. I think I need to write a bit more before I do that. But Casey's studio is always on option. We recorded by Senior recital this summer, so I do have those recordings for now. I'd be nice to do a full out demo though. Still thinking about it. I need to make more music.
Finish "White Houses" - THIS has been on my mind more than I like to admit. Now that I'm in college, things are so much clearer than they were in my experienceless imagination. I've been thinking about my characters a lot, thinking about music that speaks to me about their lives & how they feel (I enjoy writing to music) and I've been reconsidering things. Right now, the story is in 3rd person omniscient. Which works well to get a glimpse into every character's mind if needed. Yet at the same time, I think about putting it in 1st person for the main character, or multiple 1st person based on the chapters. I'm not sure. And I'm changing the title, I think. This story has evolved into being about more than just the song by Vanessa Carlton that gave me the inspiration. So I'm not sure "White Houses" fits anymore. I'll find something that works. As you can see, I'm revamping pretty much everying, but I'm really excited about it. Every day I have some new insight about my characters. How fun.
Pick A College - ha! I certainly did. And to be completely honest, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I love it here. This is a perfect fit for me, or at least a nearly perfect fit. If I had my way, we would have a few more men (Schneider calls Eau Claire "the land of women" joy.) And nicely enough, I am beginning to accept pretty much everything about the past year or so. For a long time I was filled with "What ifs" particularly about college.
To share a little secret, I wondered about what it would be like if my exboyfriend had decided to go here instead of the school he's at. Where would I be? Would I still have ended up here? And if that was the case, my experience would be totally different. It would have been his school first, and my outlook on college would have been totally different. Fortunately for me, Eau Claire is MY school. I feel so much pride & joy knowing that I am here, by myself, making myself into something. For the longest time the bitter part of me rued the day I heard, "I'm going to Wheaton" and now I see the blessing behind the disguise. Too bad it took me so long to figure it out.
Become more independent - :) If there's one thing I've been working towards for the last few months, it's this. Whether in regards to relationships or stances on issues or whatever, I have been striving to be ok on my own. I am particularly proud of what I've done since college. I know a lot of people reinvent themselves in college. There have been things I've actively been trying to change, but there are parts of me I will not let go. I know that I can look one of the cutest guys I know (not to mention one I respect) in the face and say, "no thanks, I don't want a beer." Done it several times, in fact. Because I know that deep down (maybe deep, deep down at times) I think I'm cool the way I am. And I know that I am loved for who I am, and changing so that others will like me is just not an option. One of my friends told me that in a conversation with another friend, he was told that I would "totally quit the 'non drinking thing' by sophomore year." I just laughed- I'd like to see anyone try to budge me from this spot. :)
Find truth and be truthful - Yeah, this one I need to work on. Ever since my little "week of honesty" test this summer, I realize what a little liar I am. Not big lies, just little fibs to avoid hurting people. The worst thing I do these days is lie & say I have homework when i don't want to hang out with someone. I do this quite often. I think perhaps I ought to be more truthful and tell them that I just can't spend every waking hour with them. As far as finding truth, I'm working on it. I've tried to open my mind a lot and see sides of things I hadn't before. I've been getting more involved in the political system (don't know if you noticed...har har) as well as trying to take a more active part in my religion. I'm trying to find the balance. It is so easy to go one way or another. To fear for one's salvation and start following every church rule without thought. I'm trying to find the balance in being a left wing Catholic, because there are times when neither side likes you. Again with the independence thing. I'd rather stand here by myself than get that sinking feeling in my stomach for turning away from a problem.
Serving God - I'm working on it, believe me, I am. It's hard to know exactly what He wants me to do. Right now, I feel like I'm going through a bit of a dead zone- no cell phone reception. I'm not getting any clues as to what I should be doing. I don't want to wander alone. And although my faith has been put back in place, things are still a little shaky from last weekend. I've been feeling so odd lately and finals don't help. Reading and listeng to other people's beliefs is quite beneficial. I'm still reading "Everything Must Change" by Brian McLaren, and I will have to admit, putting my angry, bitter self aside, that it is a very good book with lots of good ideas. Mostly, it says a lot of what I've been thinking and feeling for the last few years.
I don't know if there will be a clear voice telling me what I need to be doing with my life. I'm not sure if I'll be as lucky as Paul (well, Saul at the time) or Moses. But I guess I'll keep praying until I do hear something back. I want to head down the right path. Where is it?
Happy Holidays,
-Lauren
Monday, December 15, 2008
Hallelujah, I am Yours forever!
I've been wandering aimlessly since Saturday night.
The story goes a little like this:
I have an agnostic friend, although at this point, it's a little more towards the side of atheism. He's a very scientific person, so having no proof of God's existence led them to the conclusion that He does not exist. So he was telling me about this book he read about Evolution, and how Humans created God so they wouldn't have to fight & kill each other for the "highest position" since they made up a God that filled it.
He also commented on the big bang happening by chance and not reason, since an infinite time stretch can allow anything to happen.
And for some reason, at that moment, his arguments hit me hard. I felt like I plummeted down mount Everest at the speed of sound. No, not even. I felt like my entire world had been ripped away like a backdrop of a play.
And I felt so, so guilty. God has blessed me with so much, and I repay him by doubting His existence? I was disappointed in myself- I have actively believed, followed, prayed and acted as I believed Jesus would want me to for 7 years now, and
I crumble at one comment made by one person. So for two days I've prayed to hear from my suddenly silent Father.
And yet, to ask him to "send me a sign as proof" makes me a terrible believer. The very definition of Faith is believing without seeing proof. I have been through doubting spells before, but how much does it suck to have one a week before the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ?
Jenna told me not to be too hard on myself, that no one gets through their life without questioning the existence of God. I reminded myself that even Peter, the first leader of the Church, THE Rock, denied Jesus three times the night he was captured.
And then, while at work copying numerous CDs, I thought momentarily on the concept of love. How Paul once told us at Catechism that Love is willing the good of another. And I thought more, thought about the purest, greatest of all emotions we know. And I realized that something so strong could not just be a concept of human ideals, or a thing that comes with a pointless existence. I don't believe in Neihilism. I believe in God and on the third day of doubt my heart rose again in hope. I am not ashamed to admit that I began to cry and whispered, "Hallelujah, I am Yours forever!"
I would have yelled, but I think it would have frightened by boss.
Peace, Joy and Love to you all in this wonderful Holiday Season,
- Lauren
The story goes a little like this:
I have an agnostic friend, although at this point, it's a little more towards the side of atheism. He's a very scientific person, so having no proof of God's existence led them to the conclusion that He does not exist. So he was telling me about this book he read about Evolution, and how Humans created God so they wouldn't have to fight & kill each other for the "highest position" since they made up a God that filled it.
He also commented on the big bang happening by chance and not reason, since an infinite time stretch can allow anything to happen.
And for some reason, at that moment, his arguments hit me hard. I felt like I plummeted down mount Everest at the speed of sound. No, not even. I felt like my entire world had been ripped away like a backdrop of a play.
And I felt so, so guilty. God has blessed me with so much, and I repay him by doubting His existence? I was disappointed in myself- I have actively believed, followed, prayed and acted as I believed Jesus would want me to for 7 years now, and
I crumble at one comment made by one person. So for two days I've prayed to hear from my suddenly silent Father.
And yet, to ask him to "send me a sign as proof" makes me a terrible believer. The very definition of Faith is believing without seeing proof. I have been through doubting spells before, but how much does it suck to have one a week before the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ?
Jenna told me not to be too hard on myself, that no one gets through their life without questioning the existence of God. I reminded myself that even Peter, the first leader of the Church, THE Rock, denied Jesus three times the night he was captured.
And then, while at work copying numerous CDs, I thought momentarily on the concept of love. How Paul once told us at Catechism that Love is willing the good of another. And I thought more, thought about the purest, greatest of all emotions we know. And I realized that something so strong could not just be a concept of human ideals, or a thing that comes with a pointless existence. I don't believe in Neihilism. I believe in God and on the third day of doubt my heart rose again in hope. I am not ashamed to admit that I began to cry and whispered, "Hallelujah, I am Yours forever!"
I would have yelled, but I think it would have frightened by boss.
Peace, Joy and Love to you all in this wonderful Holiday Season,
- Lauren
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The Ends Do Not Justify The Means
Although we have hope in the future for the United States, although we have Barack Obama, we are not in a good place yet.
I am continually infuriated by the Bush Administration. It's 4:09 pm and I'm in World Politics. I am absolutely disgusted with how much I didn't know about our current President, the Military Commissions Act and the CIA's operations at Guantanamo Bay. I am sick to my stomach.
We're using torture techniques used in the Spanish Inquisition.
If this had been done to American soldiers, wouldn't we be raging, foaming at the mouth demanding that people stop tourturing our boys?
So how is this ok?
If we make an excuse to get rid of Common Article 3, there's no way that other countries will listen to us when they want to do the same. We can't set such an awful precedence.
These people responsible need to be prosecuted. If we want to stay the an example and a role model for other countries, that is what needs to happen. We need to throw off this notion of ethnocentrism. We are no better than anyone else. Americans do not deserve life more than anyone else. There is no excuse for this.
I refuse to be "Safe" through the mental and physical torture of another human being.
The ends do not justify the means.
I am continually infuriated by the Bush Administration. It's 4:09 pm and I'm in World Politics. I am absolutely disgusted with how much I didn't know about our current President, the Military Commissions Act and the CIA's operations at Guantanamo Bay. I am sick to my stomach.
We're using torture techniques used in the Spanish Inquisition.
If this had been done to American soldiers, wouldn't we be raging, foaming at the mouth demanding that people stop tourturing our boys?
So how is this ok?
If we make an excuse to get rid of Common Article 3, there's no way that other countries will listen to us when they want to do the same. We can't set such an awful precedence.
These people responsible need to be prosecuted. If we want to stay the an example and a role model for other countries, that is what needs to happen. We need to throw off this notion of ethnocentrism. We are no better than anyone else. Americans do not deserve life more than anyone else. There is no excuse for this.
I refuse to be "Safe" through the mental and physical torture of another human being.
The ends do not justify the means.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Transformation
I'm sure you've heard, "I won't believe it 'till I see it."
In my case, it's been more of "I won't believe it 'till I feel it."
When I first came to college, it was nothing and everything like people said it would be. There were things I counted on (feeling free and independent, having a million and a half opportunities) and things I denied would happen (the distance in my former friendships and the deep rooting of sudden friendships, the loss of "Home")
Lately, as much as I hate to admit it, I've felt in between. Kind of how they describe ghosts as having unfinished business, not quite alive, but not quite dead. Except, less morbid than that. Eau Claire is not quite my home. Yet, Stoughton doesn't fit snugly the way it used to. My family is still there and I love them so, so dearly. But my bed doesn't feel right anymore. It doesn't feel like my bed. It feels like a loaner, while I'm "staying" in Stoughton.
I remember saying goodbye to DeeDee, or rather, one of the million times I said goodbye to DeeDee before actually saying goodbye to DeeDee, and she told me, "there will be a time when you'll come home and actually want to go back to school and see your friends." And I shook my head adamantly and told her that it wouldn't happen, that home would always have precedence. That my friends at home would always mean more to me than the people I met at school. How I could tell her that and believe it, I'm not sure. Maybe I didn't quite believe it.
But I know that whenever I leave for school now, I'm ok with coming back. Because I have family here too. I have friends that care about me, that listen to all my silly rants and make me laugh harder than I have in a long time.
To put it in a term that I haven't used in a long time, I have a ka-tet here. Sorry for those of you who haven't read Stephen King (Mom) but I can't put it any better. There's some kind of connection between Kirsten, Caitlin, Shauna and I (...deeper than Twilight...) that has made this so much easier. I have other great friends as well, ones that are beginning to know me better than people at home know me. How crazy is that?
The transformation is happening.
And at the same time, I feel so guilty to be leaving things "behind". Sounds stupid, but when I hear about people I know not coming back to our hometown, not keeping in touch with their friends, not speaking to their family, I cringe a bit. I think, "how stupid is that? to leave behind something that means so much, people that are supposed to mean so much." I really don't want to do that. I am still very much attached to my awesome friendships. Vegan Thanksgiving Saturday night was absolutely AMAZING. It made me realize that people don't find relationships and just plain AWESOME people like that everyday. I'm lucky to have such unique, bright, colorful people in my life. I'm still attached to my house, my room, even my "loaner" bed. (Maybe it won't feel like such a loaner this summer...) No weekend or break thus far has kept me at home long enough to make me feel like it was my home. Ugh. And of course, no matter where I go, my family will always be family. So...this paragraph was a bunch of soupy logic, but I think the basic point was 1) I don't want to leave things behind just yet, or ever. 2) I love stuff.
I recall the stories from my friends that are years ahead of me in school and can draw some pretty big similarities. And even if I can't call those people up, or possibly explain to them what I'm feeling, I'm at ease knowing that there are people I know that have gone through this before.
And to keep you up on the less important things,
Current Reading List:
1. Ishmael - Daniel Quinn
2. Everything Must Change - Brian McLaren (read those two side by side and you'll have an amazing experience. They unintentionally compliment each other in so many ways)
3. Twilight Saga - Stephenie Meyer (clearly, you should read them)
Current Music List:
1. Sufjan Stevens
2. Down the Line (oy. It never stops.)
3. David Gray (funny, anyone remember when I used to hate David Gray? He's grown on me in exponential amounts since Kaitlyn gave me that song "You're The World to Me")
*also download "Never Think" by Rob Pattinson and tell me what you think. There's something I like about the quality of his voice that I can't quite pinpoint...
Current Wish List:
1. Sleep
2. Captain Crunch
3. Chocolate
Tell me what's up with your life. I'm tired of talking about mine.
Peace & Love,
-me
In my case, it's been more of "I won't believe it 'till I feel it."
When I first came to college, it was nothing and everything like people said it would be. There were things I counted on (feeling free and independent, having a million and a half opportunities) and things I denied would happen (the distance in my former friendships and the deep rooting of sudden friendships, the loss of "Home")
Lately, as much as I hate to admit it, I've felt in between. Kind of how they describe ghosts as having unfinished business, not quite alive, but not quite dead. Except, less morbid than that. Eau Claire is not quite my home. Yet, Stoughton doesn't fit snugly the way it used to. My family is still there and I love them so, so dearly. But my bed doesn't feel right anymore. It doesn't feel like my bed. It feels like a loaner, while I'm "staying" in Stoughton.
I remember saying goodbye to DeeDee, or rather, one of the million times I said goodbye to DeeDee before actually saying goodbye to DeeDee, and she told me, "there will be a time when you'll come home and actually want to go back to school and see your friends." And I shook my head adamantly and told her that it wouldn't happen, that home would always have precedence. That my friends at home would always mean more to me than the people I met at school. How I could tell her that and believe it, I'm not sure. Maybe I didn't quite believe it.
But I know that whenever I leave for school now, I'm ok with coming back. Because I have family here too. I have friends that care about me, that listen to all my silly rants and make me laugh harder than I have in a long time.
To put it in a term that I haven't used in a long time, I have a ka-tet here. Sorry for those of you who haven't read Stephen King (Mom) but I can't put it any better. There's some kind of connection between Kirsten, Caitlin, Shauna and I (...deeper than Twilight...) that has made this so much easier. I have other great friends as well, ones that are beginning to know me better than people at home know me. How crazy is that?
The transformation is happening.
And at the same time, I feel so guilty to be leaving things "behind". Sounds stupid, but when I hear about people I know not coming back to our hometown, not keeping in touch with their friends, not speaking to their family, I cringe a bit. I think, "how stupid is that? to leave behind something that means so much, people that are supposed to mean so much." I really don't want to do that. I am still very much attached to my awesome friendships. Vegan Thanksgiving Saturday night was absolutely AMAZING. It made me realize that people don't find relationships and just plain AWESOME people like that everyday. I'm lucky to have such unique, bright, colorful people in my life. I'm still attached to my house, my room, even my "loaner" bed. (Maybe it won't feel like such a loaner this summer...) No weekend or break thus far has kept me at home long enough to make me feel like it was my home. Ugh. And of course, no matter where I go, my family will always be family. So...this paragraph was a bunch of soupy logic, but I think the basic point was 1) I don't want to leave things behind just yet, or ever. 2) I love stuff.
I recall the stories from my friends that are years ahead of me in school and can draw some pretty big similarities. And even if I can't call those people up, or possibly explain to them what I'm feeling, I'm at ease knowing that there are people I know that have gone through this before.
And to keep you up on the less important things,
Current Reading List:
1. Ishmael - Daniel Quinn
2. Everything Must Change - Brian McLaren (read those two side by side and you'll have an amazing experience. They unintentionally compliment each other in so many ways)
3. Twilight Saga - Stephenie Meyer (clearly, you should read them)
Current Music List:
1. Sufjan Stevens
2. Down the Line (oy. It never stops.)
3. David Gray (funny, anyone remember when I used to hate David Gray? He's grown on me in exponential amounts since Kaitlyn gave me that song "You're The World to Me")
*also download "Never Think" by Rob Pattinson and tell me what you think. There's something I like about the quality of his voice that I can't quite pinpoint...
Current Wish List:
1. Sleep
2. Captain Crunch
3. Chocolate
Tell me what's up with your life. I'm tired of talking about mine.
Peace & Love,
-me
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