Nothing I Need to Say But Will Say Anyway

I think there is a reason that you cut off old ties after awhile. It's just not who I am anymore. I sat around tonight playing Apples to Apples with old friends, having a good time with everyone but myself. I continued talking, joke making doing and saying things I would have done a year ago. But that it is not who I am.

Shamelessly mentioning random things about South Africa just so, on some level of my consciousness, I want someone to ask me about it, so I can share it. So I can tell people how much it's changed me. But having no way to do it but randomly mentioning it. And it gives the appearance of not having appreciated the trip on any level but as a tourist. And it was so much more than that. I have to give my experiences, and God, more credit than that. I need to give myself, or who I am becoming, more credit. Because I really like that girl. She's smart, caring, strong, willful, wise(r) and even a little random (haha) And I feel like that girl, that woman, has a much better shot at making things work than the person I was. Because who I was is a stepping stone to who I am becoming.

But it's so easy to slip into who I was! It's like only my toes peek out at the end of the covers, but it's uncomfortable enough to know I need a new bed. A few years back, when auditioning for one of many musicals, I saw myself like Jo March- loud, obnoxious but incredibly determined. Now I'm starting to see more admirable qualities into the role I was put in, the role of Beth - caring, selfless, reasonable. A Quiet Riot (like one of my role models back at school)

However, I do feel like things are starting to come full circle in a very nice fashion. I've grown enough that I can handle things I couldn't before. I've gone through a ridiculous maze of emotions and come out the other side feeling the same ease and comfort I started with. And I really want to keep it that way. Some of the things I used to view as so wrong are turning out the be right (at least, I hope they are. They feel right, now that I'm older). My "clay" method is becoming more and more defined and fulfilling in my life. Today, as I was worrying myself away over a Hamlet audition I was offered at 10:53 pm last night, I turned (as I always do) to my bible to see what the man upstairs has to offer. And I turned to a random page, ended up concentrating on a verse that read, "Yet O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hands" (Isaiah 64:8) and it just solidified my earlier thinking. That things are put in my path by His design for only reason He knows.

And I think Him :)

I've been given so many chances at happiness. I am so, so lucky.


Peace & Love,

Lauren