Two Roads Diverged In a Yellow Wood

and sorry I could not travel both...

School is quickly approaching and I cannot decide if I'm happy or not to go back. Mostly, I feel like I'm not. And that bothers me. I was SO happy there. I didn't want to come back to Stoughton. I didn't want to be with these friends here. And here I am, several months later pondering the same things.

I cannot decide whether or not to leave the music department.

I need to just write this all out. I have not yet found a person to spew this at, so why not just put it all over the web, shall we?

First off, I feel like there's a ton of pressure, both time wise and money wise. I have a scholarship from high school that I worked SO hard to get that says I need to stay an education major. So that's that. I am constantly told that it is not a waste of time and money to switch, that all education is valuable. But honestly, for as much as we talk about money and graduating in 4 years and all that, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

I think about having music only as a hobby, something I do outside of work and not every day...every once in awhile. And it's unfathomable.
But I hate my major. I hate it. Every morning I wake up hating it. Hating theory class, hating piano, hating practicing, hating being forced to go to concerts rather than on my own will, hating having NO free time. And I think, "ok, why? Is it because you're not a genius at it? Not the best anymore? That you actually have to work hard now?" Nothing we feel is perfect...but the only music class I enjoyed last semester was WOCO.

When we were in Soweto, we performed at the University of Johannesburg. And right away, from the first song, I cried. Not little tears but the big, gigantic river of tears. I sat there realizing that I couldn't do this anymore. And that should be the end of it.
But I fought it. I've been fighting it.

And I have no idea. I have two very, very different paths in front of me. One is...normal, you know? A job in education. Teaching high school choir. Making music every day with people old enough to understand and appreciate it.

And then there's another one that is a LOT less clear. It involves me going back to Africa, that's for sure. And doing work there- humanitarian work, I think. Something. I don't have a picture yet...only a really blurry, vague one. And I can't tell if I would really enjoy it or if I'm just imagining I would. And I am scared shitless because the world is waiting. So what am I doing? Why can't I decide?

Lord help me. I have been praying for an answer. And I feel like I'm really needing one.