the space between

I've been really nostalgic for my childhood lately. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been home in such a long time (well, since Easter, not like it's been forever) I want to go home and just be with my family for awhile. Take the edge of this thing called growing up.
I just feel a passing of familiarity- the world I know is moving on. I continue to go into the unknown, and each step has more trepidation in it. I wish I could leave the fear behind me, like unwanted clothes on a warming day. I think I would be able to like myself better, if I could.

I just played two songs for a group of my friends hanging out in the living room. Two lullabies I remember as a child. The first is "Sweet Baby James" by James Taylor, the second "Cody's Song" by Kenny Loggins. Why I felt the need to share something so personal? (Hell, Lauren, why do you share anything personal? If you could carry your thoughts around in a purse, you would constantly be dumping it out on the table to show people its contents just to do it.) I guess it's because I want someone to care- again, why would I be writing this on an online blog if I didn't want SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE to find it and read it and feel something

I feel so far from my childhood now. At age 21, I am closer to having kids than being one. When did that happen? Where did the days of my youth go? Days of summer school, swinging on the swing set in our backyard, of "meet you at the park!" yelled hastily over the phone at my best friend on my way to see her for our NEXT great adventure. Of boat trips on Lake Kegonsa, with coolers packed with diet pepsi and tostidos (with or without salsa), rides to my mom's school down highway B listening to Tracy Chapman, family vacation in the dells, with my stomach doing rollarcoaster drops as we neared Rivers Edge resort, where I would have the best week of the year with my cousins...

I am going to have to start building these kind of memories myself some day soon. I mean, God willing, I find someone and we have kids... I know I have so so much time. There is no point in freaking out about not having a guy in my life right now. But all the same, at this time in my parents life, my dad was moving from California to be with my mother in Wisconsin. And whether I choose to or not, I use my parents life as a successful, happy model of what life should be. I want to be just like them.

And since we're already dreaming here, as much as I tell myself it's ok if the man I end up with isn't musical, I really hope he is. I think, listening to those old lullabies, how GREAT it would be if we could sing our children asleep together. That he could understand the utter importance of music in my life, not just shrug it off (but let's be honest...I don't think I'd ever end up with someone who didn't understand my passion)
I think about singing to my kids all the time. I remember both my parents singing to me- my mom gets embarrassed by her singing, but I love it. It was perfect when I was a child: low and rich and resonant in my little ears. I want to be a comfort to my children.

Again, I know how far away it is, but I feel the necessity to look forward because I can't always be looking back. (I look back a lot.) Being stuck in this middle ground is...strange. I must try to enjoy it as best I can. But I'm feeling rather homeless.

"and maybe that's all home is. a group of people searching for the same imaginary thing." - garden state