Some Things Don't Change

For Instance, I still don't have much to do at work.

And I still feel a million times better after listening to Michelle Branch (particularly "Breathe" from Hotel Paper)

The smell of Maybelline Coverup still makes me think of being in Annie, and the smell of Old Navy's Citrus Spray brings me back to 8th grade and listening to Good Charlotte.

And as much as I've changed, I'm the same. I've tried to push and pull myself in so many ways in the last few months and some things won't change. I won't be drinking or having sex any time soon. I can't date someone I don't have intense feels for. In fact, I can't date. I am a relationship person. I keep coming back to it.

And as much as I'm the same, I've changed so much. When I went home over break, there were small changes, but a lot was the same. Same setting, same pretences. So I went along with it. I was shoved back into the mold of who I was several months ago. My relationships, for the most part, went back to the way the were when I left. Like my bedroom was, it was all untouched while I was gone. And I feel I've outgrown a lot in odd places. Like an oddly fitting shirt, just things are too short there, or too long there, etc. I don't know how to bring the things I like about Home-Lauren to school, and the School-Lauren home. They are two very different girls at times, and I'd like them to meet the other side of my life sometime.

There are so many things that I want to be all at the same time and I feel like I can't be all of them. I want to be wise and calm and sensible, yet I would love to stay passionate and driven by my heart. I want to be a spitfire. Yet I don't want to be immature. But I don't want to lose the child in me. See what I mean?

I think this is why I write. The women that I write about are strong. They have qualities I appreciate in myself and things I wish I had. And of course, the flaws too... I usually have heroines, although occasionally I write about heroes. (I just feel men have always had their day. Let's appreciate women once in awhile)

I'm not sure if I've ever said anything about my "clay" theory here, but if I have, bear with me (ha! like you're reading this. Well, anyone except Ann and mom. So, Ann and Mom, bear with me if I've told you this before)

I believe that when we began, we are all like balls of clay, ready to be molded by our life experiences. And so, with our interactions with individuals, situations, feelings, dreams and of course, the influence of God (or maybe those things are all under that category) we are molded into what we become, (and hopefully what He plans us to become) As far as our interactions with others are concerned, sometimes we match up with other people, as friends or as lovers. Their experiences match them to ours in someway, and things fit effortlessly (or at least, if they're good relationships, they should) And then, sometimes things change, some person or thing reaches us and we mold again and things no longer fit. And even though things were perfect and genuine at one time, they can't always be. I suppose if we're lucky (or something to the extent) we find someone who grows with us. When we're at a time when we are willing (and sure) to exchange a "my" life for "our". I can't believe I didn't realize just how big that is only a year ago.

So I guess I shouldn't be so hard on people who break promises. although if people know me, they should know I cling to that stuff. So don't promise something you can't keep. ("O, swear not on the moon that monthly changes in her circled orb...do not swear at all," as William Shakespeare put it )

I don't know how I manage to stay so earthbound yet be so high up in the clouds all the time. I suppose I have very long legs.