Suddenly I See (This is Who I Want to Be)

I'm about to go to bed. I was doing the "what can I check online to procrastinate sleeping?" (because I'm tired but not) when I realized I haven't been here in quite some time.

I haven't written in my journal in an even longer time- since I came back from Africa.
I suppose that's a testament to how busy I have been, between 15 page papers, Environmental projects for Earth Algebra, watching all 240 episodes of Friends in a year and general music major stuff.

Today was the last Monday of my Freshman year of college. What an amazing, whirlwind year it's been. I understand so, so much now. There are things one can't fathom until they get here. I remember someone talking about having a hard time being outgoing in college, that they really had to muster up courage to ask a stranger, "do you mind if I sit at this table?" And I thought, "That won't be me. I won't ever need to do that."
And then I was here, and I was the shyest I've ever been (save for summer camp at age 13, perhaps?)in my life. It took me an entire semester to show the music department who I was, and now I have friends, an a capella ensemble, a small act in Cabaret next winter, a spot in both Concert Choir and Chamber Choir and respect.
But those are small things in comparison to the rest.

My trip to Africa was, at this moment, the greatest and most fulfilling experience of my life. I learned so much about God, the world, and myself when I was there. I felt like I was the best person I've ever been when I was there. Like the people I met and the places I saw made me open myself more, made me want to give more. The feeling is settling, I'm becoming comfortable in Wisconsin again, and it's frightening me. I don't want it this way. I need to feel the fire again, that itching at the tip of my fingers.

I can honestly say I know myself better now, and I like who I'm becoming. I add the "ing" because I'm not there yet. I have no idea who He wants me to be, but I keep hoping it works.

I have some really fantastic friends. We sat down the other day and planned our summers. We are meeting up this summer at each other's houses once. Kayla's in June (to visit the Waterpark she works at) Caitlin's for Summerfest for July, My house for camping and Shauna's for "hick-ish debauchery" in August. Along with CFV, those weekends are the highlights of my summer.

I re-wrote the ending to my song "Enough" the other day, and it felt great. I sang it as a "small act" for the Audacious concert (female A-Capella, my own piece of Divine at UWEC) and felt the need to change it. While the ever changing words have reflected the journey I've gone through as a person, they needed to make one final shift. And I think they'll stay as they are.

(Ann, I'm sure you're reading this, so I'll jog you're memory. It's the sad one I sang at the end of my recital last July)
The end, before talked about forgiveness, patience and continuing love.

("This can't be the end, there's so much left to say that I can't ignore. Just show me who you are and you'll always be enough for me, so now, though I don't want to be, I'm always by your side if you need me, love")
And while these are good qualities, they don't reflect what the song means to me anymore. It needed to be about the strength I have developed as a person. It makes me think of DP.

The ending, with no hard feelings meant, now goes like this:

This can be the end, there's nothing left to say that I can't ignore
You can't help what doesn't fit, and I have had enough of you and me
So now I'm where I want to be, I don't need you by my side to feel loved.

Ain't it the truth? :)



(FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Celia, my French roomie-to-be; Caitlin, Shauna, Kayla and Me (with a Djembe that I played!)