Process of Thought

I wish I could observe my true nature from afar, rather than guess at what I know about myself verses what I'd hope to believe.

Thinking back to DP's failing health last spring, my family was doing a lot of hurting. And rather than turning in for support, I turned out to find someone outside of the situation. My outburst was rejected and my lesson was learned. Family is the greatest source of strength I have- when friends fail. The bonds of love and commitment are much stronger in my family than in any friendships I have, even those I judged to be the strongest.

So again I find myself at a breaking point, at a family problem that we seem to be unable to solve. And I have the insane desire to turn out, to talk to whoever I can about this. But this all feels like a cry for attention, a "oh, pity me and my messed up situation!" And I can't judge if it is or not. I'm not sure if I'm being honest for the sake of honesty, or hoping someone somewhere will read this and be able to fix things. Because I know that the latter won't be happening.

The place I should be turning is up, yet I never find as much time for God as I should. How silly I am that I type all this melancholy up just to realize that at the end of it.

-God Bless-