To See the Beauty in the World Through My Own Eyes

Unlike last summer, I find myself short of things to post here. Perhaps it is because I'm lacking an audience? ;)

Last summer I knew of a few readers that I kept updated through this blog that have since disappeared. And without being in the fair, white North (as Mr. Schneider calls UWEC) I doubt I have my relatives & mother checking in all the time. They can just ask me how I'm doing in person. Which is really great. I see at least some part of my extended family every two weeks or so. Tonight we'll be going to the annual Brewer Game with the Gerners, Posers and Dybs. It's fantastic to be this close to my family. (Author's Note: At the game last night Ann informed me that she just read this yesterday. So, I do still have readers. Ha!)

We just got back from camping about an hour or so ago. Although, it was pretty wimpy camping. We stayed in the pop-up (for Pat's convienience) and were less than five minutes away from any "polite society" (in other words, a shopping mall. I got myself my very first pair of running shoes and am so excited to be joining the great number of runners on my mom's side of the family. Hopefully they'll wait for me when I start lagging behind!)

It's been uncharacteristically hot the last few days here. I've felt like my skin is going to melt off my body (and imagine, I want so badly to go back to Africa...) So among the beach searching and kayaking we did, we stopped for a nice ice cream treat at the place we used to vacation every year for CFV. When we left after 2002, I was so, so sad to be finding someplace else. Now we've been at Sandy Bay Shores for 5 years (this year will be the sixth) and we're outgrowing our space. So we did a little checking in on the space we left behind when I was twelve.

It was much smaller than I remembered it to be. The lawn that held us so many years ago could never do so now. I kept saying, between ice cream cone licks, "How did we fit here?!" (with a family of 33, it's hard to imagine. the last time we were there, there were only 30 of us...ha!)
It amazed me how much the Rivers Edge made me think of DP. The second I looked to the far end of the cabins we stayed in, I almost expected to see her there with a book and her camera. Another blow to remember that she's no longer with us. She wasn't much with us in person at Sandy Bay Shores, so I understand why Rivers Edge embodies her more. It was one of the last places I saw her in consistently good health.

Even though she left us over a year ago, I do not feel bad for still missing her this much. This blog is a place of comfort for me, where I can talk about it as freely as I want. (Not that I can't say it to my family, but it would be done so with someone's tears, I am sure. And it's just awkward for my friends that never knew her) I write a lot about her here, and I am glad for it. I believe she would approve of indulging in reflection. :)

I'm starting to be less hard on myself, I think. Sometimes it's difficult to tell when that's appropriate. But I should let myself feel the way I feel without guilt. Feelings are natural. It is when they turn to action that we must be cautious.

So what else is new? I'm spending my time engulfed in the works of Shakespeare and Austen. I've given myself the goal of reading all of Jane Austen's novels this summer and have (almost) conquered 2 with 4 remaining. Guildenstern and I are becoming quite friendly as I find myself adopting the selfish, backstabbing ways of a conartist. We're performing in July. The line, "Denmark is a prison" has never been more true as we are setting it in a modern maximum security prison. And, 3 weeks form opening, I still have no clue why I'm in prison. Did I blow up a building, do some hard drugs, or embezzle money? I can't decide. It's difficult, getting so in touch with a dark side of myself I don't know. There's a beast in all of us. I haven't seen mine in a very long time, and I can't say I'm ready to make my scenes that real. But anything else is cheating.

The mind wanders.


Peace & Love,

Lauren