It's Never The Way We Plan It. Understatement of the Year.

Wow. I can't even...yeah.

I knew my job would be hard. I understood that sometimes things happen and I was nervous. I came, I made friends, I went through training. I relaxed. I kind of forgot what I was here for.

I am way too hard on myself, I told them that in my interview. I have always been a perfectionist. But I really feel like I haven't done much right, even though I know I have. Or, I've taken half the steps there, but not all. And I'm mad at myself. And I want to think I was doing the right thing.

The other RAs told me, "you'll screw up. You'll make mistakes on the job." And I knew I probably would. I don't like feeling like I'm still shooting in the dark.

I'm exhausted and scared and want to be the person they expect me to be. I want to live to their expectations as a leader.

I went with a resident to detox and had a resident sexually assaulted in two days time. I cried about the latter today. I couldn't take it anymore, I was just crying for her. It's been a long, long weekend.