Purgatorio

I am in between a forbidden past and the terror of moving forward.


" The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals, and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights me not"

"What a rouge and peasant slave am I!"

"To be or not to be? That is the question- whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them"

Am I really back to the predicament of sawing off my arm? Is it that bad of an infection that I have to go through the pain of cutting an exboyfriend out of my life? Or is this free of the poison? I can't tell, I'm in too deep. I keep thinking it shouldn't feel this bad. It shouldn't feel this bad, it's only been 2 months...not 19. Nowhere near the length and strength of the last one. But at the same time, that is so, so untrue.

I'm supposed to be patient. Wait until he's ready to talk. He needs it. I don't know if I can or if I should sit around. The back and forth hurts. Sometimes he feels like himself, like we could just go back to friendship. And sometimes not. I am so, so lost. I hate this. I don't want to live in a world where he doesn't matter anymore. The last one nearly drove me mad, cutting it all away.
I don't want to think I'm unable to be friends.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.