Oh Boy...

"I have never been able to make a real picture of the man I'm going to end up with. I have never been, what, creative enough, to figure out anything about him other than his love for me. Sounds like I have always wanted a doll.

In high school, I listened to artists like Brand New and Taking Back Sunday, and ached over lyrics about boys losing their hearts (and virginity) to girls that didn't really care. I have never been (and probably never will be) the kind of girl that can take a man's feelings lightly, even if he's someone I don't care for. Perhaps its the maternal instinct- to love, to protect.
That every time I hear one of my guy friends pining after a girl they cannot have, the empathy and respect and desire to be close to them grows. I don't quite understand it.
Normally, I would complain about the wrong kind of boys always liking me, and the few good "nice" ones always break my heart- but I'm not going to do that. Because honestly, I'm only 21. And although I'm feeling rushed now to fix everything, to fit in, to be like everyone else and "catch up", I know I wouldn't enjoy it that way."


I found this old draft half-way down the page of my entries.  It's funny how much you can change and stay the same all at once in a few years.

I chucked to myself when I saw "Because honestly, I'm only 21."

I'm now 23 and saying nearly the same thing to keep myself from a quarter-life crisis. (I don't think those really existed before the Millennial Generation, but hey.)

To be really honest, this must have been a very good day for me back in 2010/2011. Because for the most part, my junior year of college was consumed by thoughts about boys, and I would complain about the wrong boys liking me. I did spend a lot of that year trying to "catch up" before I realized that I've always gone at my own pace, and that's going to have to be fine.

I think I've learned a lot in 2 years.

 I've learned that you cannot replace feelings for one person by making yourself like another person (duh).

I've learned that I like being emotionally invested and would rather have it than just physicality 10 times out of 10 (duh). 

I've learned that just because you and someone else should be "perfect for each other" doesn't mean that you are or that you'll end up together (duh).

I've learned that holding on to something that isn't going to work can be the emotional equivalent of road rash. It stings, all over. Your pride, your heart, your head, all of it.

So after liking one boy for almost a full year, at age 22 I told myself to stop. Just stop, Lauren. And amazingly, I did. I was tired of dragging myself along the pavement, so I just stood up and walked away.
That's never happened before.

So this fall, when I could feel the same thing start to happen (different boy this time, I promise), I stopped myself -- Being a person that is so incredibly driven by pleasing others, this astounded me. How was I able to tell myself "this person isn't worth impressing, leave it be" and stick to it?
Perhaps it's the "hand on the burner" reflex-- I remembered how badly I hurt my pride last time, chasing after a lost cause, that I didn't want to do it again.

Whatever the real cause, I am very thankful that my brain has kicked some common sense into gear. I may not go perpetually from relationship to relationship, but I do almost always have an interest in someone. This is one of those rare times where I don't, and I am really enjoying it. I've dubbed 2013 "the Year of Self-Love" and that is exactly what it's going to be. Not a year where I "improve upon myself physically/emotionally/spiritually/etc. to make myself more attractive/desirable/ready for a relationship" but simply "a better me physically/emotionally/spiritually/etc. just for me, so I can really love myself."

And thus far, I'm really digging it.

So, my faceless, mystery guy will just have to hold off for a bit. I need a little "me" time :)