Transformation

I'm sure you've heard, "I won't believe it 'till I see it."

In my case, it's been more of "I won't believe it 'till I feel it."

When I first came to college, it was nothing and everything like people said it would be. There were things I counted on (feeling free and independent, having a million and a half opportunities) and things I denied would happen (the distance in my former friendships and the deep rooting of sudden friendships, the loss of "Home")

Lately, as much as I hate to admit it, I've felt in between. Kind of how they describe ghosts as having unfinished business, not quite alive, but not quite dead. Except, less morbid than that. Eau Claire is not quite my home. Yet, Stoughton doesn't fit snugly the way it used to. My family is still there and I love them so, so dearly. But my bed doesn't feel right anymore. It doesn't feel like my bed. It feels like a loaner, while I'm "staying" in Stoughton.

I remember saying goodbye to DeeDee, or rather, one of the million times I said goodbye to DeeDee before actually saying goodbye to DeeDee, and she told me, "there will be a time when you'll come home and actually want to go back to school and see your friends." And I shook my head adamantly and told her that it wouldn't happen, that home would always have precedence. That my friends at home would always mean more to me than the people I met at school. How I could tell her that and believe it, I'm not sure. Maybe I didn't quite believe it.
But I know that whenever I leave for school now, I'm ok with coming back. Because I have family here too. I have friends that care about me, that listen to all my silly rants and make me laugh harder than I have in a long time.
To put it in a term that I haven't used in a long time, I have a ka-tet here. Sorry for those of you who haven't read Stephen King (Mom) but I can't put it any better. There's some kind of connection between Kirsten, Caitlin, Shauna and I (...deeper than Twilight...) that has made this so much easier. I have other great friends as well, ones that are beginning to know me better than people at home know me. How crazy is that?
The transformation is happening.

And at the same time, I feel so guilty to be leaving things "behind". Sounds stupid, but when I hear about people I know not coming back to our hometown, not keeping in touch with their friends, not speaking to their family, I cringe a bit. I think, "how stupid is that? to leave behind something that means so much, people that are supposed to mean so much." I really don't want to do that. I am still very much attached to my awesome friendships. Vegan Thanksgiving Saturday night was absolutely AMAZING. It made me realize that people don't find relationships and just plain AWESOME people like that everyday. I'm lucky to have such unique, bright, colorful people in my life. I'm still attached to my house, my room, even my "loaner" bed. (Maybe it won't feel like such a loaner this summer...) No weekend or break thus far has kept me at home long enough to make me feel like it was my home. Ugh. And of course, no matter where I go, my family will always be family. So...this paragraph was a bunch of soupy logic, but I think the basic point was 1) I don't want to leave things behind just yet, or ever. 2) I love stuff.

I recall the stories from my friends that are years ahead of me in school and can draw some pretty big similarities. And even if I can't call those people up, or possibly explain to them what I'm feeling, I'm at ease knowing that there are people I know that have gone through this before.


And to keep you up on the less important things,

Current Reading List:
1. Ishmael - Daniel Quinn
2. Everything Must Change - Brian McLaren (read those two side by side and you'll have an amazing experience. They unintentionally compliment each other in so many ways)
3. Twilight Saga - Stephenie Meyer (clearly, you should read them)

Current Music List:

1. Sufjan Stevens
2. Down the Line (oy. It never stops.)
3. David Gray (funny, anyone remember when I used to hate David Gray? He's grown on me in exponential amounts since Kaitlyn gave me that song "You're The World to Me")
*also download "Never Think" by Rob Pattinson and tell me what you think. There's something I like about the quality of his voice that I can't quite pinpoint...

Current Wish List:

1. Sleep
2. Captain Crunch
3. Chocolate


Tell me what's up with your life. I'm tired of talking about mine.

Peace & Love,

-me