Check Up

Remember when I started this, I had a bunch of goals? I thought I'd review all of them to see where I have and haven't gone:

Start a Youth prayer group at church - so this one has not been touched. It was a little difficult being away at school, and then Paul, our most Catechist left. I don't really know the new woman in charge,so I'll have to start forming some contact if i really want this to happen. I'll need to do it sometime when I'm home- winter or summer break perhaps (probably the latter)
But to be optimistic and postive, at least I have a start. I'm in a bible study at school, so now that I have a feel for what a small group gathering is like, I can have a clearer vision of what I'd like to start.

Record a Demo - ahahaha. No, not yet. I've got options though. I think I need to write a bit more before I do that. But Casey's studio is always on option. We recorded by Senior recital this summer, so I do have those recordings for now. I'd be nice to do a full out demo though. Still thinking about it. I need to make more music.

Finish "White Houses" - THIS has been on my mind more than I like to admit. Now that I'm in college, things are so much clearer than they were in my experienceless imagination. I've been thinking about my characters a lot, thinking about music that speaks to me about their lives & how they feel (I enjoy writing to music) and I've been reconsidering things. Right now, the story is in 3rd person omniscient. Which works well to get a glimpse into every character's mind if needed. Yet at the same time, I think about putting it in 1st person for the main character, or multiple 1st person based on the chapters. I'm not sure. And I'm changing the title, I think. This story has evolved into being about more than just the song by Vanessa Carlton that gave me the inspiration. So I'm not sure "White Houses" fits anymore. I'll find something that works. As you can see, I'm revamping pretty much everying, but I'm really excited about it. Every day I have some new insight about my characters. How fun.

Pick A College - ha! I certainly did. And to be completely honest, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I love it here. This is a perfect fit for me, or at least a nearly perfect fit. If I had my way, we would have a few more men (Schneider calls Eau Claire "the land of women" joy.) And nicely enough, I am beginning to accept pretty much everything about the past year or so. For a long time I was filled with "What ifs" particularly about college.
To share a little secret, I wondered about what it would be like if my exboyfriend had decided to go here instead of the school he's at. Where would I be? Would I still have ended up here? And if that was the case, my experience would be totally different. It would have been his school first, and my outlook on college would have been totally different. Fortunately for me, Eau Claire is MY school. I feel so much pride & joy knowing that I am here, by myself, making myself into something. For the longest time the bitter part of me rued the day I heard, "I'm going to Wheaton" and now I see the blessing behind the disguise. Too bad it took me so long to figure it out.

Become more independent - :) If there's one thing I've been working towards for the last few months, it's this. Whether in regards to relationships or stances on issues or whatever, I have been striving to be ok on my own. I am particularly proud of what I've done since college. I know a lot of people reinvent themselves in college. There have been things I've actively been trying to change, but there are parts of me I will not let go. I know that I can look one of the cutest guys I know (not to mention one I respect) in the face and say, "no thanks, I don't want a beer." Done it several times, in fact. Because I know that deep down (maybe deep, deep down at times) I think I'm cool the way I am. And I know that I am loved for who I am, and changing so that others will like me is just not an option. One of my friends told me that in a conversation with another friend, he was told that I would "totally quit the 'non drinking thing' by sophomore year." I just laughed- I'd like to see anyone try to budge me from this spot. :)

Find truth and be truthful - Yeah, this one I need to work on. Ever since my little "week of honesty" test this summer, I realize what a little liar I am. Not big lies, just little fibs to avoid hurting people. The worst thing I do these days is lie & say I have homework when i don't want to hang out with someone. I do this quite often. I think perhaps I ought to be more truthful and tell them that I just can't spend every waking hour with them. As far as finding truth, I'm working on it. I've tried to open my mind a lot and see sides of things I hadn't before. I've been getting more involved in the political system (don't know if you noticed...har har) as well as trying to take a more active part in my religion. I'm trying to find the balance. It is so easy to go one way or another. To fear for one's salvation and start following every church rule without thought. I'm trying to find the balance in being a left wing Catholic, because there are times when neither side likes you. Again with the independence thing. I'd rather stand here by myself than get that sinking feeling in my stomach for turning away from a problem.

Serving God - I'm working on it, believe me, I am. It's hard to know exactly what He wants me to do. Right now, I feel like I'm going through a bit of a dead zone- no cell phone reception. I'm not getting any clues as to what I should be doing. I don't want to wander alone. And although my faith has been put back in place, things are still a little shaky from last weekend. I've been feeling so odd lately and finals don't help. Reading and listeng to other people's beliefs is quite beneficial. I'm still reading "Everything Must Change" by Brian McLaren, and I will have to admit, putting my angry, bitter self aside, that it is a very good book with lots of good ideas. Mostly, it says a lot of what I've been thinking and feeling for the last few years.
I don't know if there will be a clear voice telling me what I need to be doing with my life. I'm not sure if I'll be as lucky as Paul (well, Saul at the time) or Moses. But I guess I'll keep praying until I do hear something back. I want to head down the right path. Where is it?


Happy Holidays,

-Lauren