Hallelujah, I am Yours forever!

I've been wandering aimlessly since Saturday night.

The story goes a little like this:

I have an agnostic friend, although at this point, it's a little more towards the side of atheism. He's a very scientific person, so having no proof of God's existence led them to the conclusion that He does not exist. So he was telling me about this book he read about Evolution, and how Humans created God so they wouldn't have to fight & kill each other for the "highest position" since they made up a God that filled it.
He also commented on the big bang happening by chance and not reason, since an infinite time stretch can allow anything to happen.

And for some reason, at that moment, his arguments hit me hard. I felt like I plummeted down mount Everest at the speed of sound. No, not even. I felt like my entire world had been ripped away like a backdrop of a play.

And I felt so, so guilty. God has blessed me with so much, and I repay him by doubting His existence? I was disappointed in myself- I have actively believed, followed, prayed and acted as I believed Jesus would want me to for 7 years now, and
I crumble at one comment made by one person. So for two days I've prayed to hear from my suddenly silent Father.

And yet, to ask him to "send me a sign as proof" makes me a terrible believer. The very definition of Faith is believing without seeing proof. I have been through doubting spells before, but how much does it suck to have one a week before the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ?

Jenna told me not to be too hard on myself, that no one gets through their life without questioning the existence of God. I reminded myself that even Peter, the first leader of the Church, THE Rock, denied Jesus three times the night he was captured.

And then, while at work copying numerous CDs, I thought momentarily on the concept of love. How Paul once told us at Catechism that Love is willing the good of another. And I thought more, thought about the purest, greatest of all emotions we know. And I realized that something so strong could not just be a concept of human ideals, or a thing that comes with a pointless existence. I don't believe in Neihilism. I believe in God and on the third day of doubt my heart rose again in hope. I am not ashamed to admit that I began to cry and whispered, "Hallelujah, I am Yours forever!"
I would have yelled, but I think it would have frightened by boss.


Peace, Joy and Love to you all in this wonderful Holiday Season,

- Lauren