How Romantic

There is something to be said about Romanticism. For the first time since the Baroque (1600-1750), Europe once again saw a sweeping movement of emotion in music, art and architecture. Gone (yet again...) were the days of logic! The heart ruled supreme!
There is something great about Mozart's simple cadences, ebbing and flowing. They bring excitement, joy, surprise, sadness...but I am starting to truly appreciate romanticism (and gosh and golly gee, we aren't even going to cover it 'till after Spring Break!)

I was just listening to Fanny Mendelssohn's String Quartet in E Flat Major. The woman was a genius. Now it's onto Gabriel Faure's Piano Quartet No. 1 in C Minor. Thank you Pandora.

I never expected to, but I am loving my major more and more each day. There is so much to discover, so much to create! So much to learn about my art form... I'm still scared, but I will no longer let those fears stop me. And I know I can be successful in what I do. Breaking up with Eric has allowed me to find solace in my music- well, at least the opportunity is there. Over the last few days, I've consistently chosen to mope instead of focusing. But even the thought of digging into my music, something greater than me, is such a release. To be lost in something that has healed so many broken hearts...

On that note (no pun intended) this experience has been very different from the last one...and at the same time, not. It allows me to see how much I've grown. I am much more confident in myself this time around. I have a lot of self-understanding I lacked last time. I'm a lot more easy going on my heart. It's doing everything it can...and I've learned to be understanding and patient. That's all part of the "taking care of myself" thing that everyone keeps telling me to do. I cannot help how important he is to me at this point. My heart is not letting go and my brain telling it to stop isn't going to do anything. I can only physically remove myself, which I am trying to do as much as I am able. And over all, I don't have any negative feelings towards Eric- I can't. We knew things weren't working and we stopped things while things were still salvageable. I still have great fears: being replaced, being unimportant to him, having to start over again...so I'm trying not to think about men so much. I'm still in the part where I can't picture myself with anyone else. And that will change, or we will somehow gravitate towards each other again. Either or, I know I will be fine. In the meantime, my music will become my life. It needs to be if I want to be a successful music major.

...And now I've got Beethoven filling my ears and I wonder how logic could ever have been the dominant thought in his head when he composed this. Such excitement!

So, this weeks Project: What I want to be-

I want to be a student, artist and friend. I want to put my studies before play and GET SLEEP. Take care of myself. Let's hope I stick to this.

Purgatorio

I am in between a forbidden past and the terror of moving forward.


" The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals, and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights me not"

"What a rouge and peasant slave am I!"

"To be or not to be? That is the question- whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them"

Am I really back to the predicament of sawing off my arm? Is it that bad of an infection that I have to go through the pain of cutting an exboyfriend out of my life? Or is this free of the poison? I can't tell, I'm in too deep. I keep thinking it shouldn't feel this bad. It shouldn't feel this bad, it's only been 2 months...not 19. Nowhere near the length and strength of the last one. But at the same time, that is so, so untrue.

I'm supposed to be patient. Wait until he's ready to talk. He needs it. I don't know if I can or if I should sit around. The back and forth hurts. Sometimes he feels like himself, like we could just go back to friendship. And sometimes not. I am so, so lost. I hate this. I don't want to live in a world where he doesn't matter anymore. The last one nearly drove me mad, cutting it all away.
I don't want to think I'm unable to be friends.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

A Girl's Pledge

This is my resolution for 2010. I will be strong and whole and me. I am a woman, and a beautiful soul and I have so much to give.


A Girl's Pledge

I am a girl.
I am an expression of beauty, joy and love.
I have the right, the power and the ability, to
create a beautiful, joyful and peaceful world
for myself and others.
I have a body, but I am not my body.
I have a face, but I am not my face.
I am the most important thing in the world to me.
I am love in motion.
I am the light of the world!
I can create!
I can make a mistake!
I can create something beautiful in all that I do.
I deserve the best.
I give my best.
I do my best to always take care of me!
I am a girl!
I am growing into a woman!
I AM IT!
I am the joy the world is waiting for!

- Iyanla Vanzant, Don't Give It Away!

(Proverbial) Pins and (Literal) Needles

So winter break begins. I'm at home, feeling crummy, mentally and physically. This might be one post oozing with pity points, but at least I'm aware of it.

I find myself a larger person trying to fit into the same old shoes. I haven't been in a relationship in about a year and a half, and I've changed a lot since then. What is supposed to be different? What is supposed to feel the same?
It's been about a month that Eric and I have been dating and we're long distance till break is over. I'm ok. I remember what this feels like, and I'm alright living the day to day. What's harder, I remember, is not having the opportunities to express love in whatever way we want. Pretty much left to phone calls, email and skype. I'm trying to be easy going. Concentrate on stuff here. Know that I'm important rather than thinking, "I THINK I'm important...c'mon Lauren, you're important..."
I know I'm being ridiculous, I just don't know WHY or how to stop it. It bothers me.

I feel like I've been run over by a truck today. I got three immunizations yesterday at the doctor- 3rd HPV (FINALLY), Seasonal Flu and H1N1, which is a live virus. I bet you anything I've got a small taste of it and that's what's got me feeling so crummy. I've got the chills and a sore throat and a bit of an aching body. Then again, the aching body might be me bumping into things and having needle poked arms. They're still sore from yesterday.

In addition to boosting my immunity to a bunch of stuff I could potentially get, the doctor heard a mid-systolic click when listening to my heart yesterday. I've never had heart problems. Today I went in for lab work and had to fast 12 hours while they check my cholesterol. My dad kept covering my eyes when they were about to stick in the needle. not helpful. I put on music and let it happen, but apparently I need to stop being scared, according to dad. "It's all in your head," he said. Well duh. That's why it's a phobia. They're irrational fears. I'm already embarassed that I act like a five year old every time the word "shot" comes up.

I might have to go in next week sometime to get another lab test done, this time on my thyroid gland. Most likely, I have a heart disease called mitral valve prolapse, which is when you have excessive tissue in the Mitral valve, which weakens the leaflets preventing backflow. It shouldn't be a big deal...if it's even what I have.
Still I am unsettled to think of myself as "not healthy." I have always been healthy. I take care of my body, minus the not sleeping the last month or so. I don't put harmful substances in my body, I don't make continual poor choices in my diet...I don't understand why this is happening to me, and at the age of 20. I am only two decades old! My body and I have always been a team- the mind, the body, the spirit, all together. A mix of old, young and somewhere in the middle. And now I feel like I'm working against myself. It makes me uncomfortable.

If it's mild, it shouldn't be a big deal. There isn't even treatment. It's just something that is. However, I hate to think that years down the line this is what's going to bring me down at an earlier age.

I want answers now. I don't want to wait two weeks for a cardiogram echo. I just want to figure things out.

Where the road leads.

I have never been happier that things happen for a reason.

All the confusion, heartache, pain, joy, surprise, suspense...it all leads somewhere, and that leads somewhere else, and that leads somewhere else....

And I know that if the things that are happening to me now aren't permanent, I will be alright too. There isn't anything too strong to knock me over for long. I do not go down for the count.

A Little Sufjan to Brighten Your Day

Thought I'd share a piece of concert magic with you. It became a sing along of epic proportions. It was such an intimate show- enjoy
This is not my video. Someone else at the concert uploaded it. But this is at the 400 Bar in Minneapolis, the same night.

It's Never The Way We Plan It. Understatement of the Year.

Wow. I can't even...yeah.

I knew my job would be hard. I understood that sometimes things happen and I was nervous. I came, I made friends, I went through training. I relaxed. I kind of forgot what I was here for.

I am way too hard on myself, I told them that in my interview. I have always been a perfectionist. But I really feel like I haven't done much right, even though I know I have. Or, I've taken half the steps there, but not all. And I'm mad at myself. And I want to think I was doing the right thing.

The other RAs told me, "you'll screw up. You'll make mistakes on the job." And I knew I probably would. I don't like feeling like I'm still shooting in the dark.

I'm exhausted and scared and want to be the person they expect me to be. I want to live to their expectations as a leader.

I went with a resident to detox and had a resident sexually assaulted in two days time. I cried about the latter today. I couldn't take it anymore, I was just crying for her. It's been a long, long weekend.