Sharing Thoughts is more fun than Calculus

Tru fax. (I must check with Sara on the spelling of that...)

I've been crabby all day, which is an unpleasant feeling. If you know me at all, you will have noticed at some time that I enjoy being happy. I once had someone tell me that they see the happiness in me even when I'm sad. And that is truth. But today, I've skipped by sadness and gone right to crabby. I haven't wanted to deal with anyone or anything today. I've just wanted to escape things. I'm having a hard time admitting that I'm not happy right now, with a lot of things. And I don't want to be that way, but I feel like some things are out of my hands. We can control our attitudes, but I'm combating some things that are really making me sad.

Tomorrow I am going down to visit DP in Iowa. I'm nervous. I'm afraid I'll start mindlessly crying and it won't help anything. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to say...perhaps nothing. In any case, I don't think this is something my head will be able to sort out. I am bringing her the last three Harry Potter books. Kevin reads to her all through the night. I love them so much. They are the strongest people I know, and I hope that someday I can have a tenth of their steel.

Tonight, I had a 3 hour rehearsal for Madison Youth Choir (plus the 2 hour one we had yesterday). I feel bad for not appreciating this GIANT project our director has set out. I know he really wants it to be a success, so shouldn't I put my heart in it? The difficult thing about it is forcing yourself to care- it's just a lot of work and we aren't appreciated for doing it. I LOVE the ensemble, but this project is a little more than I can take right now. I really need my Saturdays for homework. The directors are usually cranky with us and don't thank us for working so hard (which we are). I have very little time left in this ensemble, so I should be loving these rehearsals...I guess I just have to try a little harder.

Here is my thought of today: The line between tactfulness and mask wearing is very thin. There are just some things, common courtesy, that you shouldn't say in front of people. But the more you watch what you say, the more you start to say things you think they want to hear. At least, I straddle that border- and I don't want to anymore. I want to find the definition of that line, respect it, but don't cross it. I don't want to be fake- I want to be real. I, as of right now, know who I am. I know what and who I love. I'm trying to figure out who I want to be, and the only person I want to be out to please is God. All those other people will just have to accept the whole package: I am who I am.
This morning during mass, Father quoted St. Catherine of Siena (the name I took upon confirmation): If we become who we are called to be, we can set the world ablaze.

Doesn't that make you want to figure things out too?