I'm watching a "modern day" Hamlet (Shakespearean text though) & I'm thinking Julia Stiles should not be Ophelia. Just saying.
I looked back at my first entry today and have decided to "update" what it is I have been doing to achieve things. I already had a full post on college, so I guess I don't have to go into that one.
But as for the others, here is some progress:
demo recording - I've talked to Casey, who has a full recording studio in his house. He said that he would be completely happy to allow me to record this summer & even hire in some people to play. I'll have to put some money up, but I think its worth it. This IS something important. I've been writing more and more- I'm almost on complete song number 4, and I've started writing accompaniment to a piece I wrote as a sophomore. (I called it Playing Atlas. Lyrics are here. )
I'm also doing a senior recital (July 21st, you all should show up) at which I will be performing some new written music that, in guessing, all of you have never heard. My music is something so dear to me, and it's been growing and growing...I never thought I'd write like this.
becoming more independent - I don't think I ever really "lost" myself. I've always been there (perhaps silently sitting in the control room, occasionally putting in two cents) but I allowed myself large changes. Sure parts of me feel like I've taken a step backwards in who I am (some old feelings or habits come back- I've been writing like I used to) yet I know that it is all forward motion. Over the last few weeks, people having been saying, "you're so strong! You're one of the strongest people I know!" and I didn't understand- I mean, I cry all the time and can be over dramatic. I've always thought myself weak for not being able to hide my pains, for having them on my face instead of keeping them secret and bearing them. But today I began to see the strength - I am beginning to see what other people see & am beginning to realize how and when people rely on me...and how much strength that requires. I am aware that I have faults and I plan on working on them, but I do love myself and accept who I am at this moment. I know I have some really great qualities and that I have some really great, true friends. I don't have to question my belonging with my friends- we all click and understand each other. There is nothing shallow about it. I know some day I will again make someone very happy, but for now, I am content to be Lauren. I am in no hurry to form relationships- I have to figure out how to wear my armor first.
serving God - I have been thinking a lot lately about following Jesus Christ & how I go about doing it. I have been thinking that saying "hey, I'm only human" doesn't always work. I mean, arn't we always trying to be more Christlike? Therefore, we should always be striving higher than what we are? As I perhaps vaguely touched on last night, I believe that teaching is the best way for me to serve Jesus right now- it is the thing I feel he's calling me to do. It's something I feel strongly about and I want to follow that. After all, Jesus himself was a teacher. :)
After all that has been happening in my life, my faith has been strengthened. It is very often that you hear of people losing faith when a family member is touched by illness like Cancer. They ask, with reason, "why is someone I love so much suffering so? no God would do this so He must not exist." I too have asked why Diana has suffered...but I do not believe God does this out of punishment or that suffering is all His will. I believe we all have crosses to bear- and the way we bear them is part of following Jesus. For someone who does not attend an organized church, Diana has carried this as Christ would hope. Instead of losing my faith, I feel I have grown deeper into it- knowing that part of following Christ is suffering, because we want to be like Christ, and suffer as he suffered, in whatever form it takes.
These are just some thoughts I've had about it lately. I have a lot of praying to do and I think I will discover more of it over time.
(There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose, so I'm thinking over the things that you said)<- more great song lyrics
Love + Peace = Information
-Lauren
post-script: I am overjoyed to have not one but TWO commenters! Perhaps my idea of commune is not dead yet! Could you do me a favor though? So I know which of "you" is saying what, could you put a screen name/letter/number/symbol at the bottom so I know who has said what in the past? I'm trying to figure out who said what and who gets pizza ;) I think maybe I should let that joke go...
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