Who Do You Save When Your House Is On Fire?

In search of truth- how does one find oneself? It's hard to be authentic in an inauthentic world. There is so much in modern day, so many influences that can cloud our mind and vision.

How does one find truth?

Is it in our hearts? Minds? Can we really find truth within ourselves, or do we have to seek it outside? Or do we wait?

I want to be authentic. I want to be honest and truthful and not be fake to tell people what they want to hear.

Today, I want to admit that I am hurting, after what I learned late this afternoon: My aunt is dying from Cancer and has little time left to live- few months at most. She has tumors on her spinal chord and she can't move her legs. Surgery would give her less time- radiation is the only way we can try to get rid of them and we don't even know how much that will do.

At least I can say that here, with no one reading. I don't know why I don't write this in a book and hide it, if no one is reading- I guess I want someone to read & at least KNOW what is happening in my life right now. Is that being fake?

What I don't want is the flood of people that feel awkward and don't really care- they just feel like they have to say something. I don't want over amounts of kisses and hugs and pity. I hate pity. This is not here for a sob story - this is here because it is my life and saying it is going to help my family get through it, right?

I mean, there are people I want to tell, but honestly HOW do you tell someone? I can't just call someone up and say "uh, yeah, just wanted to tell you..." That FEELS like wanting pity. And that's not what I want...I don't know in words what I want. Understanding, I guess. I want someone to hold my hand. Is THAT being fake?

I'm afraid of dissapointment. I'm afraid that if I tell people, I won't get a response and I'll end up feeling worse.

I'm lost. I don't know how to help my family through this. I don't know how to help my uncle, who so dutifully loves his dying wife. I don't know how to comfort my other aunts and uncles, my grandparents...and especially my mother.
I remember watching her cousin's cancer consume my good friend Julia. I guess I never thought that could happen in my family.

With all that has been happening, it would be so easy to lose faith. It would be so easy to say "God obviously doesn't exist if he's causing all this pain." But it is not the case- Job lost a lot more than this and he still believed in the Lord. All of this will strengthen my faith, I pray.

I know that feeling is real- there is no right or wrong way in feeling. Feeling is honesty. There is truth in my pain in all of this. And what matters is that what I'm saying now is honesty.