Either way, I've lost my arm.

These last three months have been like losing an arm. The question is how to get rid of it: Do I cut the whole damn thing off and deal with the blood NOW, or do I ease it off slow and deal with the bleeding in steady streams?

Either way, I've lost my arm and it hurts like hell.

I think the reason I write like this here instead of in my book of thoughts is because I can at least keep some obscure hope that somehow I can do something about it when its published on the internet. So so stupid, but somehow easier to deal with.

Each time I try ripping off my metaphorical arm, I chicken out. Or get talked out of it. And things get better for awhile. But I have this sinking feeling that they will never stay better.
Because there are days like this when I think that keeping my arm on leaves me nothing but disappointment. I am so disappointed in what my arm has become. I guess you could say I am upset at the loss of potential, the loss of feeling and the loss of the possibility of ever having it again.

So what do I do?

The closest I've ever come to ripping it off was a month of no contact. And it sucked. Did it suck because of Diana's death, or was it because I really felt like I needed that arm still? Do I still want it?
It alters with the day.

I need to get out of here. I feel like I'm stuck in the backseat of a car stuck in a traffic jam. My legs are cramped because the front seat is too far back and I need fresh air and to NOT listen to that dumb song that keeps replaying on the radio. I need to get away from these people that I see all the time, I need to forget my stupid arm and I need to go to college. Yet I am scared as hell to go to college because all I know is that it changes people and that I will not have my family there. I'm terrified. Will I find people like me? Will I find people to appreciate me and love me?
Because the person I trusted most bailed. How do you deal after that?

They mean it when they say a part of you dies with your first love.

Jo, if you're around, you should send me an email.