The above is a picture of me and my cousins Robin and Elizabeth. We're choreographing some awesome song, by the way. When I look at this picture, my first thought is what was I wearing? (I am the one in the purple)I find myself feeling that way a lot lately. I had a very difficult and trying senior voice recital on Sunday that took a lot of preparation and practice. Saturday night, I was plagued with a dream of no audience, forgetting gifts, not warming up, coming late, not knowing songs, etc. etc. When I woke up I realized how incredibly stupid it was to think things could go that wrong.
My point and comparison is this: I'm wide awake now, and I see things a whole lot clearer than I used to. And it's causing me to look at things with more scrutiny and ask "what the hell was I thinking?"
Back in 8th grade, we wrote ourselves letters we'd receive as seniors in high school. When I opened mine, I saw that I had written "welcome to yesterday" on it. Why did I feel the need to be so...thoughtful and philosophical? It just comes out looking like ridiculous. Oh yes, I was so thought provoking as a 14 year old girl who was "misunderstood".
And I'll probably look back on my 18 year old self with a sneer and think, "oh that girl was dumb. She didn't know what the hell she was doing."
But will I ever? I don't think we ever know.
At least I am starting to recognize dumb decisions, now that the stars are no longer circling my head. It just alarms me to think I was that dumb once, to say and do the things I did. Even last week, you know?
It's weird, growing up.
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