Open Eyes

I said not too long ago that I am now "wide awake". I believe this to be true. Sure, there are nights like last night (post kept up for growth comparison) but they've been far and few between. It has been a long time since I have felt like I felt last night, and my mom said that I would have good days and bad days on the road to recovery. She said even in being over it, there would still be bad days where things sting. I don't expect them to stop stinging for awhile.

I can look with a more open eye than before. I can see what would have upset me before and silently congratulate myself on it no longer being a big deal. I have become unbelievably laissaz-faire lately.
I remember crying to my mother in late May, distressed that I could never stand up for myself when I needed to. I could write it all down, but it could never come out right when I needed to say it. I was never strong enough.
"It's because you're talking with your heart and not your head," she said, "and your head is awfully strong, but your heart takes precedence in this matter. One day, your heart is going to be just as strong, and then he'd better watch out." I didn't believe her, but she was right. I still speak with my heart, but it's agreeing with my head these days. Bravo, heart, bravo.

This feeling of awareness is something so great, so needed and so refreshing. The closest thing I can describe it to is when medication that has been making you drowsy finally wears off. Sometimes, at little moments, I wish I could go back under to a more simple time and look at things the way I used to. But I guess in the end I never will because I know this is better for me.

Tonight I went to a baseball game with a friend of mine, his family and my family. It was a really great time-better than I thought it would be, for sure. My parents were really mad at each other & were fighting before hand. It made me real real glad I'm single, because it's nice to having to argue with anybody and just worry about myself. It was nice to go to a baseball game, hang out with my friend and not have to worry about attraction and relationships and the he said she said stuff in high school. It's refreshing to have a conversation with a guy that is actually back and forth and not just all him talking about himself, or all me talking about myself. I would love to spend the rest of the summer this way: hanging out with people that make me happy, and enjoying the time I have left with them before I leave for school.

Tomorrow I leave for the infamous CFV, where I live with over 30 members of my family for a week. It is my favorite part of summer. Internet access, as always, is questionable, but I think I'll bring my laptop anyway. It'll be nice to see everybody, especially my uncle Kevin, who I haven't seen since the Memorial.

Much love, everyone. It is almost 2 am and I am going to bed.

-Lauren