There is so much going on inside of me right now that I have no control over. And I don't think there is a way to get a hold of it. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings that will all culminate in two weeks, for better or for worse.
But in the meantime, I am losing my mind. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't trust anybody enough to know me anymore.
(Disregarding my family, but it is counter productive to say the word "College" in front of my mother )
In the aftermath of what's happened in the last 6 months or so, I have become so stubborn. I bounced from yielding to its opposite, so admitting that apologies may be due is difficult. And as justified as I feel wanting some for myself, I need to say If this is what you went through and I didn't notice when you needed someone to listen, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry that I made it hard for you by only expressing my own sadness and fear in your transition. I am sorry if I concentrated on me instead of being a friend.
I am not sure if I've ever felt this lonely before. But I guess in order to stand on my own, which I need to do from now on, I need to start alone.
And if you leave me alone long enough, I start to write. And in seeing it, reading it and feeling it, I like myself. That's a start.
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