A Small (or not so small) Reflection

The other day, just for fun (and because the internet and Canadian cable provided no other entertainment) I looked back on this blog from its beginning all the way until my recent posts. And I have to say, I see an incredible change in my writing, my feelings, my purpose and my thoughts. Of course, as a reader looking back, you may not being able to see things quite as clearly, because you cannot recall what I was thinking/feeling when I wrote the post. I am so, so happy to know that I have changed for the better in the 5 months (or so) that this blog has been around.

I realized while reading that getting my feelings out here, just saying what I needed to say, even if I was saying it to no one specifically, was a great part of the healing process. I am not going to pretend that I have recovered from the death of my aunt, but saying things here was easier than burdening someone. I still can't really bring it up with my friends. Saying, "hey, can I talk to you about my dead aunt?" really doesn't work well. Nor do I want it to work that way. It's impossible to agree with someone about how great a mango tastes if you've never had one. My family knew DP and they miss all the things I do. (thought I would mention, my aunt's name is Diana. Her last name is Paulina, so most often we called her "DP", just in case you are confused at the interchanging of names)
It's been so strange, being in this aftermath of her death. I don't think of her as dead, really. Every part of me says that it is impossible, that she can't be. I am not necessarily denying the fact that she has left us, only not thinking of it in a melancholy way. She has left us, yes, but for much greater things. And I only feel the real pain when I realize just how much I miss her. On family vacation, we spent a little time talking about her. After we were given some of her things by my uncle Kevin, people cried. I felt bad for not crying, for feeling numb about it all. But then my aunt Sara reminded me of the advice she pained to give me on her deathbed and I joined the numbers.
Even from her place in the Beyond, she is making me a stronger woman. She has really helped me clear my head, stand up for myself and see through a lot of bullshit people try to pull. I hope to continue to live like her as I approach college. From her teaching to her work with former cult members to her caretaking to her gardening, she was a woman worth following. I know that every member of my family continues to "summon their inner Diana" daily, and it makes us better people.

This hurt is one that is never really going to subside completely, but poke itself out every once in awhile, I think. She was family and her loss will always be remembered and she will always be a part of me. But it wasn't at all like losing a lover- where a lot of my time once devoted to one person now had to be spent elsewhere, and it was glaringly apparent. That was much harder to get through, but the light at the end was so wonderfully bright and warm, so much like rebirth (it is, in a way, I suppose). It isn't like that at all with Diana. You lose, you mourn and you live, but there is no "getting over it". Only going on with it. But having even known her, even for a short 18 years, it is a fair trade.

Despite all of this, this summer has been so incredibly great. I never imagined that I would have so good a summer. When we canceled Hair, I thought that work was going to be it for the summer. But I have spent a lot of time with my friends. I've gotten to know some of my friends better- friends that I have been hanging with since freshman year, that have said more stuff about how they really feel in 3 months than the entire 3 years before. I've gotten to know people I never really talked to at all until this summer. I've gotten to rediscover myself. Next time I bitch about all my plans changing, remind me how kick ass this summer was when all of my plans changed.

God's doing a lot of great things in my life. I may have had a lot of rain pour down on me second semester of Senior year, but I sure do appreciate the sunshine.

Peace & Love