Sixteen Days

Sixteen days before I will lift up my hypothetical pen from this very large sheet of paper, turn the page and start a new chapter of my life. How often have I heard leaving for college described thus?

But really, it's the best thing I can offer for an explanation right now.

This is so odd and so different from anything I've ever experienced before. Usually, when someone says "let's hangout before summer's over!" I will want to, but there's always a chance to see them a million times during school if I don't. That isn't the case anymore- I have this crazy feeling of "I MUST SEE EVERYONE ONE LAST TIME!" and I know it's impossible to say goodbye to every single person I want to say it to.
August has always had a certain buzz to it- a certain ring. The call of the future, telling you that your lounging is almost up, and it's time to go to work again. Whether it was drama camp, early morning swim practices, eye appointments or 1/2 off on shoes at Famous Footwear, my next year of school would whisper its excitement at my approach.

College is not a whisper: It's a deafening yell.
"DON'T FORGET TO PACK TAMPONS, LAUREN!" "YOU'D BETTER PRE-ORDER ALL OF YOUR BOOKS BEFORE ALL THE USED ONES ARE GONE!!"
"LOOK AT ME, I'M SO CLOSE AND YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER BEFORE I'M HERE!"

I feel like there's a mental preparation that has to come with college that I didn't need any other school year. In sixteen days, I could meet the love of my life, the woman who will be my maid of honor at my wedding or the person that will inspire me to do something I would have never done without talking to them, even just once.

I hear from people that high school is so inconsequential, that I won't feel bad about missing my friends once I'm in college. It feels weird, sucks, even, to be on the brink of discovering if that's true. I am sixteen days from finding out who are my real friends. And I guess a small, small part of me would rather not know. Who am I never going to see again? Who is going to be there for me for the rest of my life?

After the past week of shows, I can honestly say there are a lot of people I don't want to see for awhile. People who don't have the decency to confront me with problems but instead talk behind my back. I hope I will be able to say "that is so high school" a few months from now, but who knows. College will feel a little more real than living at home, but I won't be stupid and big headed like so many other college students I know: It's still a bubble. It's still not the real world.

I've found that after losing the biggest and closest friendship I've had, I don't really trust anyone the way I used to. I'm not sure I want to pour myself into my friendships with my high school friends if I will not receive the same devotion. It is easy to be bitter, but it is also easy to tell the truth: I lost my best friend to someone else when he went to college. It hurt for a long time (every once and awhile, it still does) but I guess I learned something. I don't want to pour myself only into old friendships, because people change. And it's ok, and it's great- change needs to happen for life to go forward. I am not sure what friendships will stay after that change. Hopefully many, but we will see.

I am trying to find a nice balance between excitement and fear. I've been pretty emotional about this lately, between leaving my hometown, my friends and my family. I feel like I've needed to talk about this, without having someone to talk to. All of my friends and my family, are affected by this, so there's no unbiased source there. Typing it out on a computer screen is so much easier.

So here's a hope & prayer that everything will turn out better than alright. That God will bring to me whatever it is He wants me to have, and that I will be grateful for it. That I will learn things, both educationally and generally speaking at UW-Eau Claire that will make me a better person and a better follower of God.

May you find your tower, and breach it, and may you climb to the top.