It's time for a little honesty

I hate high school. I am really, really ready to leave this mindset.

I feel like a kid sleeping in a bed that's too small. I feel so above all of the dumb drama that happens, from stupid flirty boys to fights in sectionals. But I listen to my friends when they deal with these things (from flirty boys to sectional fights) and I hold them when the cry and comfort them best I can...but I don't understand how they get into this stuff. I know that I was there once, and I'm not quite sure when I left. I guess part of me was always above things...and part of me fit right in (I am a theatre person, I suppose.)

Here's something I can't quite understand: Today I was truly insulted by someone trying to play the "my life is worse than yours" game. Games games games, that's all high school is and I seriously could puke. I simply told her that I didn't want to have that argument and that I would appreciate it if she would stop talking about it. She persisted. She pulled the, "C'mon Lauren, you're not dealing with nearly as much as I am" card (after admitting her full knowledge to my aunts death), at which point I stood up and left Government class to fume and cry and hurt in the bathroom. Wiemer walked me around the halls several times and helped me compose myself. I appreciate everything he does. I should thank him somehow.
Funny thing about the whole incident is that I knew this girl was having a bad day and I told her "hey, I know you're having a bad day, but I hope things get better. You don't deserve the stress." She thanked me, and then five minutes later she was accusing me of not having my own problems.

I've come to realize just how many people rely on me and my problem solving skillz (must be spelled with a z, it's mandatory) and I feel like this is the only place (along with my personal thought book) that I'm really taking time for me. Speaking of, here's something for me-

I don't understand the "you're immature" and "you only think about yourself" comment. I really don't.
Perhaps my desire for a shoulder to cry on was too much.

Nearly two months ago I said, "I guess you're right." I accepted it without question in the moment and now I see that that was wrong. I should have had strength enough in myself to stick up for myself and say, "you know, I don't really see that in me," and talk about it...but instead I let my fear conquer everything and I lied. I said I didn't like myself...and that wasn't really the truth. I do like myself and I am not going to stop respecting my values and morals. As I step into the college world in the upcoming months, I'll try my hardest to stay strongly Lauren at heart and soul (but still be flexible!) and continue to love myself...I don't want to "make myself different" to make friends- they'll be lots of people in college. I'm going somewhere where I'm sure to find friends.

I've wanted to say that for a long time, but felt inhibited about what I say on this page because of whose eyes may see it...but really, I can't keep censoring myself. I was worried about looking melodramatic or immature...when really, I can't worry about that. I can't change myself so other people will like me...I just have to accept who I am, accept the path Jesus Christ chooses for me and let that be enough. And if people choose to not take a chance on me or choose to through our relationships away, I'll accept it and know that it's not fault.

I see things a lot clearer now. I know some really wise people who have great advice, and I think asking questions while I get the chance is better than dwelling in self pity. The next thing I'll have to ask is how to help people I love without taking all of their problems.