is a GREAT song by Amos Lee, if you haven't heard it already. I've been receiving/finding some pretty cool music lately and it makes me want to make a mixtape. If you're interested I'd be happy to make an exchange- sharing music with others is one of my favorite things ever.
Oh I'm quite tangent today.
I used to write about this character years ago: I called her Lola (I believe her real name was Maria...) and she was a gunslinger of sorts. She was some sort of bum kicking, armored, chip-on-your-shoulder with a heck of a lot of steel kind of character. She had an obsession with her hair- the closer it was to her head, the more cut off she got from human emotion. She trusted less and less, shut herself away more and more and her hair went from hanging down, to braids to a ponytail to a bun kept tight against her head.
I forgot, until yesterday, how much of that character came from myself. I had forgotten about my steel, because I started trusting more. I didn't used to trust people as much as I do now- I was more cynical, more calculating. I was so, so much more independent than who I am now.
And I feel parts of Lola slipping back into my life and I'm not sure I like it. Granted, I enjoy feeling independent and self-sufficient...but I don't like cynicism. Not anymore. I have seen beauty and love- I know it exists and I hope I don't go back to hating things like I did before.
I was looking through an old purse the other day and I found a button inside that said "Valentines Day is for Losers" and I had to laugh. I used to wonder if love existed and that one couldn't find it in high school. I can't say I'm in the best place right now, but at least I know that there was truth in there somewhere.
Hamlet pisses me off, I've discovered whilst reading. I mean, I love him & empathize through all of his journeying. I don't understand his treatment of Ophelia and today when Keeney asked, "now why is Hamlet doing this? Why is he sitting next to Ophelia making sexual jokes when he just abused her physically and mentally?", I exclaimed, "because he's a stupid little bitch!" (Keeney found it very amusing).
Because I enjoy quoting songs, I will speak in the words of John Meyer to emphasize my feelings of the moment: I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.
I mean, I'm a silly, silly person. I enjoy having fun and sometimes can be downright weird (something I am most certainly learning to embrace). But...sometimes I feel that high schoolers, in general, have the maturity level of 8 year old girls. "He said she said" is gross, especially when my teachers are doing it even. Adults should be able to confront things without rumors. I don't feel the least bit intimidated by all those 4.0 kids anymore- I take heart in knowing I'm smart enough not to drink on the weekends. I know I'm not in college yet (as much as I want to be) but I feel like I know a lot about life- I'm at the top of the high school totem pole, and I should be able to be proud of my maturity. I have a good, solid foundation in Jesus Christ, morals, I good head on my shoulders (most of the time) and a big, big heart.
I am a good person and I deserve to be happy.
I am bigger than my body, and others, give me credit for.
(Tell me where's the challenge if you never try? So watch me fly: I'm not afraid!)
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2 comments:
You are not in a good place now with love? It is great that you have realized your own maturity, that's one of the most important things at this point in your life.
It has indeed been said that Hamlet was the world's first emo kid.
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