Intimidation Factor

What makes a person intimidating? Why should anyone feel lesser to anyone else if we are all the same in God's eyes?
Why the hierarchy of power?

This isn't random, I am coming from somewhere.

Here's the story: Yesterday I was contemplating on some things I was displeased with. To make a long story short, interactions between my ex-boyfriend and I have go back and forth between "awesome" and "awkward" and it's frustrating not knowing why.

I finally resolved myself to "perhaps there needs to be more time before friendship" and dialed the number- only to find that I can never be as assertive as I need to be.

So why? What causes that intimidation? Why am I scared to stand up to him lately? (it's been like this the last few months, even before we broke up) Is it the desire to avoid conflict and fighting? I hate fighting. I don't like yelling and anger and all that. Is it fear that it'll all end?
I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for, I know what I want and what I need, but I can never find it in me to stand up for myself when I need to.

I think if I actually got enough (enough what? courage? no. something else...) balls up to say what I need to say, it would surprise everyone.

Part of being intimidated is not having enough faith in myself. I need to be ready to take chances (make mistakes and get messy!) I remember when my best friend used to tell me "don't be a doormat. Lauren, you're better than that. Don't second guess how you feel, you know what you need to do."
And I have gained a lot of confidence over the years. I can honestly say I love and respect myself. If I think whoever I'm talking to is better than me, then that's how it'll turn out. I need to stop doing that. This blog is called Project: What I Want to Be. This is about change and growth. I want to stop being a doormat and start standing up for myself. I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore.

I think another part of it is a lack of respect I receive. When one is not respected, it is obvious. When one is not given the time of day, it is clear to both people in the conversation. Yet, I cannot make people respect me. I don't know if there's anything I've done to lose respect lately, but I don't feel I have. If anything, I feel I have become a more respectable person in the last few months of growth. If I'm not taken seriously, I need to make sure I am.

So what can I do to make sure people listen to what I have to say? Be respectful, be assertive, be clear and articulate with what I have to say. Speak from the heart, speak with reason. Listen to the other person, but make sure that they hear you too. And if they don't, walk away. It's not worth it at that moment.
People who don't think for themselves aren't worth my time, I wrote at age 15. And it is still true.

I think emotionally. I go where my heart takes me. I embrace feeling and sometimes thinking. Only sometimes ;)
It's a double edged sword, being compassionate. You love an immense amount, but there's some pain that comes with being hurt so easily. Yet, I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm still young, and I embrace it. I am 18 years old and have (hopefully) many, many more years to gain experience. If I make a mistake, I make a mistake. I'll probably make many. But I'll learn from them.

The only changing I'm going to do is going to come from myself and God. God is the only true judge of my character. Every other view is subjective.

I remember years ago at age 16, when I was someone else, how vulnerable I was to change. I was SO self-conscious and worried about people liking me. I was scared that I was "annoying" or that I "talked too much". I used to post blogs on myspace asking people to tell me if I was annoying.
One person finally told me this: I love you Lauren. Really. Take a breather. And you know, stop worrying so much about how other people think. You're you, and you shouldn't try to change that. You say that you can't, so try listening to yourself a bit. Turns out your advice isnt' too shabby.

Jessy, if you ever read this, know that I partially have you to thank for making me a stronger person. I love you more than you know :)

And over two years I have come to these conclusions:

1. People like me much better as myself, even when I am "annoying" and "talk too much"
2. There is a difference between changing one's behavior and one's character. If someone says, "Hey Lauren, it really bothers me when you only talk about your problems when I call you. I want to talk about other stuff" that's changing behavior. I'm ok with trying to fix that. What I'm not ok with is someone saying, "I don't like this part about you. You should fix it because it bothers me."
One man's trash is another's treasure. If I cut off a part of me for one person, it could change my relationship with another. Do I want to change myself so others will like me? Nope. I am who I am, ladies and gentlemen, and what's at my core is here to stay.
And one day I'll KNOW it's worth it because I'm going to knock the socks of a man who will appreciate and respect me every day of my life. When the time's right.

I stand firmly by my belief that no person has the right to tell another to change who they are.

And you know what the greatest, greatest part is? I'm only 18. If I discovered this in two years, imagine what I'll do in twenty. *grins*

-Lauren

post script - come on folks, I KNOW you've got stuff to say about this one. I'd love some feedback and discussion :)