Recalibration

As stated before, this blog needs to go back to what it's supposed to be.

Lately, it's been all venting, which is healthy, but not really the purpose of this blog. The purpose of this blog was the sharing of thoughts, experiences, dreams and goals. When I figured out people were reading and commenting, I started relying more on "good job", when it was really meant to inspire others. I would love for my passion for life to be contagious.

So no more pity parties. I don't want to be a victim- I want to learn and be stronger. The funny thing about being a victim/ complaining is that the biggest hope in doing it is not pity, but to have a knight in shining armor fix it. I'm all out of ideas of how to solve my own problems, so I've been letting myself become a victim.
No more. If you've ever seen the movie Catch Me If You Can, there's a great line about two mice falling into a bucket of cream. One gives up and drowns, but the other works so hard, he turns the cream into butter and walks out.
I want to be that mouse.

Lately I've been feeling really lazy, and unsettled about it. The more I study Bio, the more worried I become about the environment. Humans are really messing things up, and our society is doing nothing about it. That's unsettling. There's tons of injustice everywhere I turn (starting with the teachers of my town going 200+ days without a contract) and yet I'm doing nothing about it.
Why? My eyes have been opened to things that can't be unseen and sitting around is the wrong thing to do. But what is the right thing? That's the predicament. What's the right thing to do about it.

And here's the next question: Am I really seeing it for myself, or am I letting other people affect me? Is this me speaking, or other people? And if I am indeed just taking ideas from those around me, is that bad? Why does one feel some kind of guilt for copying or using someone else's ideas? I don't want to "not join in" for the sake of being a "nonconformist", but I don't want to mindlessly follow someone else or walk down someone else's path. I need to find my own calling. I know that God is going to ask something great of me, I just have to wait until I know what it is. In the meantime, I feel like I'm missing out or not doing good enough because I'm doing nothing while I'm waiting.

I've discussed, both seriously and not so seriously, taking myself out of society. Being more in-touch with my transcendentalist thoughts and live in the woods like Thoreau. My friends and I talk about starting a commune somewhere in the middle of nowhere because of the ridiculousness of society at times. Yet, I have a strong desire to fix it. I have a passion for government and politics, because I believe it is our right and duty to do better than what's currently going on. Again with the teaching- I want to teach, because I feel that the future begins with kids. They are the future. I want this world to be a better place for people now, and people years and years for now. And if I can help, I will. Going away is selfish- I'd be doing it for my gain, when there are so many other people in the world who I could help. So why not help them?
Again with the waiting. I'm so antzy!

Back to changes in others. I think we all worry about the "holier than thou" factor- that factor of condescension. Whether it's keeping up with the Joneses or our own self-consciousness, we never like that feeling of "falling behind". When someone else makes some big choice that is so drastically different, why do we want to follow? When my friends started drinking, I wanted to follow so badly- I didn't want there to be a wall of difference between us. I didn't want to be looked down upon because of my choice. It's that fear of not feeling special or important to them anymore- of being left behind.
Which has happened before. It's a real, legitimate fear. One moment they say "I don't care if you do or not" then the next, you get pressed to change. Why can't we accept each other for who we are?
I guess I need to keep in mind that the people that really do matter & love, love unconditionally and don't leave you behind.

I've learned somewhere over the years that no one is out of anyone else's league. Relationships (platonic and otherwise) are about two people with common interest in each other- there are things that just shouldn't matter. I hate hearing, "you're too good for this person" or "she's not good enough for him", when really, it's about compatibility. People wrong other people, people hurt other people. Some people don't deserve to be treated the way they are, but no one is above anyone else in deserving of love.
Everyone deserves love, because God loves all.

-Lauren Elizabeth

postscript- Tomorrow is Diana's memorial service. Depending on how it goes, my thoughts may be posted. They may be sad. Or perhaps they'll stay in my book. I want to keep this focused, but I don't want to exclude it from my own soliloquy here. :)