Wearing Someone Else's Shoes

The closer and closer I get to the end of the year, the more foreign I feel...yet the more natural I feel.

There is some kind of "right of passage" in high school. It's beyond words, but I'll try.

Mostly, it's observation and memory that makes me feel this way. Today in the library, I saw a somewhat gross upperclassmen (one of the constantly skipping, non applying kind) giving a hug to a freshman, who seemed to know him only slightly. I felt this way freshman year, with one of my friend's older brothers and his friends. I received that kind of dog-like "good freshman" hugs and I recognized the facial expression of the girl as one I've carried. It was a "it's nice to have the upperclassmen attention, just not this kind of attention" . Man, I've come a long, long way since then. I was never to found of asking "how high?" when they said "jump."

I've taken two of my three AP tests this week. (Calculus and English Literature & Composition, in case you're curious. I'll be lucky to pull off a 3 in Calc and I'm pushing for a 4 in Lit, if you're really curious). Bio's next week. Suprisingly, I got a 5 on the practice test last week...even though I keep failing all my tests in class...hmm.

But tangent aside, it's strange taking these AP tests. I remember taking U.S. History last year, and it seems so...easy. No offense to juniors taking the test tomorrow. I remember being in THOSE shoes. I remember Seniors taking tests and having final projects. I remember helping film a calculus final project. Were they able to taste graduation like I am? Did they have this mixed feelings of wanting to get the hell out but never leave. It is really starting to hit home- after high school comes real life. I may never see some of these people again...ever.

I looked through my yearbook yesterday, pondering these thoughts. I found the novel Caleb wrote me in the back (as only boyfriend and girlfriend can write) and smiled at it, yet ached with it. There were a lot of memories buried in there- Jazz, Madrigals, How to Succeed In Business, POPS. And more than the talk of marriage or the thanks for being an anchor, one line hit me harder then the rest: "Through the 'hard times', I'll stay. I see two lovers, sitting in sunlight, blowing dandelion seeds out of sight. Nothing comes between us now- you're locked in my arms now."
I need to stop arguing and start accepting. It makes me wonder what would have happened if it was I that went of to college and he was left here. I see how much I was/am in control. At the start of it all I said "yes" all over. I chose to open up knowing that I was putting my head in the guillotine. And I think I'm still in charge- whenever people give me advice, I nod and listen to them but I (head and heart, which are two very separate beings right now) need to decide to do it.
And I (head and heart) have decided to stop thinking so much. Dwelling's no good and I can make it. I don't know what's up the road ahead, but for now, I've got to think about now. And the current "now" is a Mini-Project for Government that was due today. Ugh, gag me.

I don't want to reflect negatively on my Senior year when I look back. I hope that I can acknowledge the hardships but think positively with the knowledge that it made me stronger.

Next post will be more focused, I promise. I just wanted to get all that out before it consumed me. This is about growing, after all.