On My Sleeve

And here's some more soul vomiting.

I've started taking some ownership over this blog, since it's original purpose seems like it's not working so well.

So I guess this is where I get to share some ideas, feelings and inklings and (with hope) get some feedback.

So here's some more thoughts about virginity, sex, love and the whatnot.

A friend of mine told me she lost hers earlier this week. She waited to tell me until now, Friday, because she was worried I would be upset/angry/etc. etc.

That itself wounds more than the actual information she withheld. For being a "best friend" I was completely left out of a huge thing in her life. It's sad to feel like my personality/convictions are getting in the way of our friendship & that she doesn't know me well enough to know that I wouldn't hold her choices against her.

So even though she lost it to someone she told me she isn't in love with, I'm not mad or upset or anything. She's a young woman who can make her own decisions. I don't know how she'll feel down the road, but I'll be there for her when things get rough.

I'm just starting to realize I chose a socially difficult path. Which is ok with me, and very much so worth it.
Yet it makes me feel numb sometimes. And scared.

When I first started dating I assumed a lot of people were waiting and that my decision wasn't out of the ordinary. I had no problem telling my boyfriend "I'm waiting until marriage" because I know he felt that way too.
When the next guy comes along, I don't know what he'll think. He may believe the same, he may not.

No matter what, my decision is on my sleeve. When you are in a relationship with someone (or even just dating someone, these days) sex comes up in conversation eventually. It's going to be on the table- I'm going to have to bring up my choice eventually. And hopefully, whoever I date will be cool with it.
I just don't want them to feel obligated, you know? As in "I can't get in Lauren's pants unless I give her a ring. And I want to have sex, so I guess I'll tell her I want to be with her for a long time."

I know this won't happen with the right guy- the right guy will understand and (I imagine) will feel the same way. I'm just scared to go through all the heartache of the wrong guy(s) that could hold it against me. Saying that they felt "pushed" into marriage, when really all I've been trying to do is hold onto my morals.

My mom told me when I was younger that there are two types of girls: girls you date and girls you marry. Mom says I'm the marrying type. That's just who I am. I'm a Jackie, not a Marilyn. And I'm ok with that, I just don't want guys to push me off as a frigid bitch for not being easier.

It's all worth putting up with for a guy who will understand. Yet, even guys that understand will probably feel pressure, even though I'm not pushing it. It's aggrivating. I want to keep my morals (I will) because I think it's romantic and right to share sexual intercourse with only one person. I plan on it...I'm just worried about the pain my decision might cause.

It's worth it, though.


p.s. "Even if it Kills Me" is an awesome album. I could post lyrics on this blog all day, i swear.