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I have a new goal: No more brash decisions. The two decisions in my capacity seem to be:
1. Brash decisions
2. Indecisive, Procrastinated decisions

No good, guys.

Lately, I've been trying to numb myself. There's just so much that I feel, I feel like I'll have a system overload. I imagine myself pulling thoughts and feelings out of my head like tapeworms.
Yet pretending things aren't there is no good. I never talk to my school guidance counselor, but the other day I did. She told me not to bury this stuff. Let it hurt.

Diana's death is so unreal to me. When will it become real? The funeral? I'd like to think she's with me now, pointing out the Robins and how gorgeous the tulips are this time of year.

I feel pathetic spending more time on my good ol' "you've been dumped" roller coaster than mourning for a family member. But I guess you've got to get through the little stuff before the big stuff?
And I guess I'm not giving my roller coaster credit either- it's more than being dumped. It wasn't a high school relationship. It was 19 months of light years more.

I would love to cut this off and ignore it like I do everything else, but this hurt isn't following the rules. It bugs the crap out of me.
I'm starting more and more to realize just how much I've really lost my best friend. He's changed, and that's ok. (I'm sure wherever God is leading will make him great, as long as it's God that he's following) So now there is someone new, someone I hope I'll respect and like...when I get to know him and his new ideas. But he's keeping his distance too- I haven't talked to him in almost 3 weeks. And through action he's convinced my head that I'm inconsequential to him. Of course, I feel it must be otherwise. So head or heart, guys? Which do I go with on this one? Man, I want him to be here for me. I suppose that's a bad choice.

I should be able to see that it's over, he doesn't care anymore and just move on. I feel like his ability to move forward so quickly has made this harder. But then again, I'm never happy with this. Distance or no distance, talking or not, everything hurts. I want to stop hurting. I just don't know if I should steer down the "over this" path or wait for another option. God knows all of this, and I'm waiting for His answer.
I know that all this stuff needs to be talked over with Caleb (that is his name), and I will. Sometime soon, whenever I'm ready. I'm trying not to make THIS brash, but I don't want to procrastinate this either. I think I'll know when the time is. Although I do see some right in this, some good....there's a lot of wrong. A WHOLE lot of wrong. Will that go away with time?

I think it's ok to say these things here because I'm almost positive he doesn't read this anymore. I think I would have heard from him by now if he did. But it bothers me that I wouldn't put this here if I didn't think that he would. There's a stubborn part of me that doesn't want to let him see me vulnerable anymore.