Roller Coaster

How does it work, this back and forth? Feeling insightful and clear one day and lost and muddied the next?

At the moment, I kind of feel like a Piñata, bashed consecutively in all different directions. It's been thing after thing for the past two months...do I need to just toughen up a little?

I don't just want to feel sorry for myself, the pity thing's no good. I don't want to be a victim of things, I want to learn and grow so so much.

I am so scared of losing my faith. I've lost a lot of important things lately (even that's an understatement) and I will be nothing if I lose my faith. Really, my faith and my family are the only things holding me together right now. Of course Diana's death has made me question things- even when I thought I knew what to believe, they happening of it makes you say "are you sure?"

A lot of my friends have lost their faith- every conversation I have with them in regards to that is a shun against my choice of beliefs. The person I talked most with about religion gave me up during Lent.

So where do I go from here? My parents. The few religious friends I have left. Father Healy. God himself. I want to stand up and defend my religion in discussions- it's hard when I have questions too. And then I feel guilty for not being strong enough- I can't let this slip. This is the most important thing of all, the point of my existence. If I lose this, I lose everything.

I feel heartbroken and lost. I feel like I may have strayed from the path...where is it? Where do I go from here?

Oh, I really want someone to talk to.