30 Days of Music

or, Why Shouldn't I? I'm a Music Teacher!

I decided to put this in a new entry...that other one was getting too crowded. So, without further ado-- 


Day 1: A Song That Makes You Happy 
Brown Eyed Girl -- Van Morrison 
I've been familiar with the song for almost as long as I can remember. I can't think of the first time I heard this song...it's just always been a part of my life, which I don't think I can say for many songs. Despite the fact that my eyes are hazel and the text isn't necessarily met for children (or to sing to children), this song will forever be tied to my parents. Even though there's really no specific memory that comes to mind, it's tied to happy times in my childhood. My parents even put it in my graduation video.
I think they know by now that my eyes aren't brown, (and that this song is not about children) but whatever. 

Day 2: A Song That Helps You Clear Your Head 
Two Points for Honesty -- Guster 
I was going to save this one for later on in the challenge...quite seriously, this song is applicable to my life in a lot of ways, so it could honestly be the choice for half the list. But the real reason I chose this song goes like this: 
The first time my life "fell apart" as I knew it, I was 18 (If confused, please see 2008). All of those uncomfortable, first experiences growing pains? Yeah, I had them. And I started driving to a spot in my hometown where I could think. The spot sort of started as wishful thinking of sorts, but over time, as I began dealing with challenge after challenge, it became my not-so-secret place to go and think. The first time I was driving there, Two Points for Honesty came on in the car. So now when I go to "catch up" with my past experiences before I tackle new ones, it's become a tradition of sorts to listen to it on the way. And the song is a HUGE part of that-- there have been a lot of instances when I'm away at school that I'll turn it on in order to think. It describes how I feel about myself sometimes ("can't lift a finger, can't hurt a fly, I find I always move too slowly")  and pushes me to find more ("And all the people who've seen it all before, and all the people who already understand...") and be more ("If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time")  Somehow, the driving pulse of it, as exciting as it is to listen to, helps me slow down and breathe. And best of all, it's something I can always return to.  

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Day 3: A Song That Makes You Laugh 

(Shake Shake Shake) Your Booty -- KC & the Sunshine Band 

Sorry, KC & the Sunshine band, butt (Get it?? BUTT??) this song is a little silly. Actually, I'm going to venture out and say that a lot of lyrics from the 70s were silly. Maybe that's generational. Butt. (BAHAHAHA) 

Day 4: A Song That Reminds You of Something Sad 
Piece By Piece -- Katie Melua 

What a beautiful break up song discussing the necessary evils of letting someone go, bit by bit. And being what it is, it brings back a lot of sad memories and hard, bitter work of years and heartaches past. So I tend not to listen to it unless I need it. Not exactly feelings I want to reminisce about...  

Day 5: A Song That Has a New Meaning Every Time You Hear It

King of the World (from Songs For a New World) -- Jason Robert Brown 

Today's prompt took a little thought for me...it implies a little bit of "time" with a song, yet a lack of memory or specificity attached. That was hard for me. Most songs remind me of a person, place or time in my life. So to find one that has a new meaning every time I hear it? There had to be a puzzle involved. If you are not at all familiar with it, Songs for a New World sits somewhere between a musical and a theatrical song cycle: The only thing that the characters of all of the songs have in common is "the moment." When life falls apart, or surprises you or confuses you, it's about what you do-- how you handle the "New World" you are thrust into.  King of the World is the 12th song of the show, in the second act. And every time I listen to it, I get new insight and ideas into exactly what it means. Who is this imprisoned man? Is he fictional or historical? Is he really king? Is he insane? What is his prison? (Lately, I've been leaning towards "insane" based on the piano part...) It is a simply beautiful piece of music...and it makes me wish I were a tenor. 

Day 6: A Song You Can Always Relate To 

Fragile (Free) -- Maria Mena 

Initially, I was going to pick John Mayer's "My Stupid Mouth," since I feel that I suffer from foot-in-mouth a lot of the time. However, part of this "year of self-love" and subsequently, my old habit I'm shedding is cutting out negative self-talk. So I'm not going there. I know the sheer quantity of my talking is something I am working on. Instead, I chose this song. Plenty of quirky lines I always pick up on ("I think I have a problem, I think I think too much"). I've been listening to this song since I was in 8th grade-- 14 years old. And since then, I've always been able to put a face to the line "I bet you're sweet and hard to get over," because there have been plenty of those. This song is a lot of who I am. Fact is, I am fragile-- I have "too thin a skin" for our charming American society. And I'm beginning to be ok with that, because while I may cry about things people say, I am considerate of how my actions affect other people, and therefore spare THEM pain.  I am hopeless (idealist, that is. I don't think I will ever stop trying to see the best in others).  I am certainly not perfect. I don't see any of those things changing anytime soon, so I think I will probably continue relating to this song. 

(Not my first choice in videos, but I like this recording from 2004 much better than the 2002 version-- her voice matured a lot in two years) 

Day 7: A Song That Is Your Guilty Pleasure 
Starships -- Nicki Minaj 

Normally, I don't like Nicki Minaj that much. I get a little tired of the attention seeking bits at times. (See here or here...) But Starships got under my skin somehow (probably because it alternated with "Payphone" at the beginning of the summer as most played song, only to be usurped by "Call Me Maybe" and "Somebody That I Used to Know" a little later on). It definitely plays to my Brat-dancing college kid persona. 

Day 8: A Song That You Liked When You Were Younger

Can't Take That Away -- Mariah Carey

When I was younger, I had some issues with bullies. Through it, I stubbornly refused to let peer pressure turn me into someone I wasn't (which in retrospect, I'm super happy for. But at the time I remember thinking "I couldn't be like them if I tried, so I'll just be me."). And I think that having this song probably helped more than I credit it most of the time. I'm sure there quite a few afternoons I'd come home from 5th grade and put this on. I more or less forgot about it until recently...goes to show how much you grow, I suppose.

Day 9: A Song That Makes You Want To Dance 
Bring Night-- Sia 

Seriously, every time I hear this song I want to dance. Every time. It is so catchy!!! Two things that make this song very dance-able other than the obviously wonderful melody and fast tempo:
1. Two years ago in our school's "Cabaret" production (no, not the musical...think show choir.) we did the song "Brand New Day" from The Wiz. We spent a lot of time during hell week cleaning the moves to this song because of the similar tempo. In fact, I somehow remember the moves better to this song than to the actual one. But hey. 
2. My dear friends in Beacon James do a killer cover of this. 

Day 10: A Song That Makes You Cry 

Days of Plenty (from Little Women) -- Jason Howland 

There are plenty of songs that are worth a good cry now and again. (Remember "Two Points for Honesty?" yeah. that's a real big one for me. Or "Still Fighting It." Or a good chunk of things by Sufjan Stevens). But if we're talking, this song will make me cry EVERY SINGLE TIME I LISTEN TO IT-- this is the No. 1 Water-Works, 100% guarentee or your money back song. For several reasons. 

If you're not familiar with the plot of Little Women-- where have you been?? But seriously, in the musical this is a song Marmee sings to Jo after Beth passes away. Obviously a huge loss to a close-knit family. Or almost any family, for that matter. We did this show my senior year of high school...in fact, this is the last musical I was in. (Coming up on 6 years ago this fall...wow.) But when I first got my hands on this music and started learning it for auditions, my Aunt Diana was diagnosed with cancer. So to me, Beth's sickness is all about Diana and her bravery. (So now if you put me on stage as Jo and sang this to me, you'd get real tears.) 

The line that gets me every time? "So believe that she matters, and believe that she always will." 

Because she does. Everyday. 

New Challenge: 30 Days of Music

My family is doing this diet.

My mom keeps calling it  a "lifestyle game"

Bull. It's a diet. Here's more about it if you want it: http://www.thegameondiet.com/  

And much as I hate the small portion sizes, lack of pasta and beer (sigh), I will admit three positive things about it:

1. It requires me to work out 20 minutes a day. This has really helped in the "clearing my head and making me feel active" thing.
2. It requires you to give up an old bad habit. While I could have chosen to give up internet time, I chose something a little different.  Remember in the last post I told you that 2013 is the "year of self love?"
I'm giving up negative self talk. So no calling myself an idiot, a loser, a fat ass...you name it. It's a no no. In fact, any time I start on the negative track, I need to look myself in the mirror, take the statement back and say something positive.
It's actually going surprisingly well. I've been catching myself. AND rather than dismissing poor behavior on my part (not getting things done and then just calling myself an asshole) I'm making plans to FIX my behavior: You're not an asshole for not finishing your lesson plans, you're feeling a little frazzled and overwhelmed. That's ok. Take a 20 minute break, and then work for 30 minutes. I'm setting better goals and rewarding myself when I succeed. It's much more efficient.

3. It requires you to take up a new good habit. While journaling is not "new" to me, it is something that I have done VERY infrequently in the last year or so because I have been so busy. Journaling makes me SLOW DOWN, even if it is for 10 minutes at a time. But between this blog, my written journal (I keep thinking, of this scene from Bridesmaids") and my daily Advent reflection, I've found a lot of comfort in writing again.

The "lifestyle game" (blah) only lasts for 4 weeks (we just finished week 2) but I'm going to start a new challenge that will help me journal more.

In November, I chronicled 25 days of things I am thankful for.

In January (erm, mid-January) I will chronicle the "30 day song challenge"

I definitely did this a few years ago, but I've changed since then. It'll be interested to see what I have to say this time around. Plus I think it will keep my motivation up when it comes to writing.

So. Starting tomorrow: http://heckyeahtumblrchallenges.tumblr.com/post/6152604154/30-day-song-challenge  

Oh Boy...

"I have never been able to make a real picture of the man I'm going to end up with. I have never been, what, creative enough, to figure out anything about him other than his love for me. Sounds like I have always wanted a doll.

In high school, I listened to artists like Brand New and Taking Back Sunday, and ached over lyrics about boys losing their hearts (and virginity) to girls that didn't really care. I have never been (and probably never will be) the kind of girl that can take a man's feelings lightly, even if he's someone I don't care for. Perhaps its the maternal instinct- to love, to protect.
That every time I hear one of my guy friends pining after a girl they cannot have, the empathy and respect and desire to be close to them grows. I don't quite understand it.
Normally, I would complain about the wrong kind of boys always liking me, and the few good "nice" ones always break my heart- but I'm not going to do that. Because honestly, I'm only 21. And although I'm feeling rushed now to fix everything, to fit in, to be like everyone else and "catch up", I know I wouldn't enjoy it that way."


I found this old draft half-way down the page of my entries.  It's funny how much you can change and stay the same all at once in a few years.

I chucked to myself when I saw "Because honestly, I'm only 21."

I'm now 23 and saying nearly the same thing to keep myself from a quarter-life crisis. (I don't think those really existed before the Millennial Generation, but hey.)

To be really honest, this must have been a very good day for me back in 2010/2011. Because for the most part, my junior year of college was consumed by thoughts about boys, and I would complain about the wrong boys liking me. I did spend a lot of that year trying to "catch up" before I realized that I've always gone at my own pace, and that's going to have to be fine.

I think I've learned a lot in 2 years.

 I've learned that you cannot replace feelings for one person by making yourself like another person (duh).

I've learned that I like being emotionally invested and would rather have it than just physicality 10 times out of 10 (duh). 

I've learned that just because you and someone else should be "perfect for each other" doesn't mean that you are or that you'll end up together (duh).

I've learned that holding on to something that isn't going to work can be the emotional equivalent of road rash. It stings, all over. Your pride, your heart, your head, all of it.

So after liking one boy for almost a full year, at age 22 I told myself to stop. Just stop, Lauren. And amazingly, I did. I was tired of dragging myself along the pavement, so I just stood up and walked away.
That's never happened before.

So this fall, when I could feel the same thing start to happen (different boy this time, I promise), I stopped myself -- Being a person that is so incredibly driven by pleasing others, this astounded me. How was I able to tell myself "this person isn't worth impressing, leave it be" and stick to it?
Perhaps it's the "hand on the burner" reflex-- I remembered how badly I hurt my pride last time, chasing after a lost cause, that I didn't want to do it again.

Whatever the real cause, I am very thankful that my brain has kicked some common sense into gear. I may not go perpetually from relationship to relationship, but I do almost always have an interest in someone. This is one of those rare times where I don't, and I am really enjoying it. I've dubbed 2013 "the Year of Self-Love" and that is exactly what it's going to be. Not a year where I "improve upon myself physically/emotionally/spiritually/etc. to make myself more attractive/desirable/ready for a relationship" but simply "a better me physically/emotionally/spiritually/etc. just for me, so I can really love myself."

And thus far, I'm really digging it.

So, my faceless, mystery guy will just have to hold off for a bit. I need a little "me" time :)

An Exercise in Giving Thanks

An admitted shortcoming of mine is always wanting more. While this keeps me driven and motivated most of the time, it also means that I sometimes take the wonderful things I have in my life for granted. In an effort to be more appreciative of my life and who I am, I am going to document one thing I am thankful for every day, for 25 days (to start- another shortcoming of mine is not starting with small enough goals!) Turns out there are 25 days until Thanksgiving...it's like a planned this all out! I'll be updating this daily, to the best of my ability :) 

Day 1: 

Today, I am thankful for the memories created with Concert Choir on our tour to Greece last winter. Particularly, this day, when we held hands and sang the Benediction in the tomb of Atreus in Mycenae. The audio clips from this experience warm my heart every time. 

"Because if you were to put it with all the others-- then you would see it for what it is: a single voice lost inside a great chorus of others. And, such was the sound that the chorus made together, that to have been a part of it all was enough for me." (Birth of Venus) 

Day 2: Today, I am especially thankful for my mother's cooking. As much as I bitched and complained about having to come home instead of staying in EC, I am very fortunate to have homecooked meals FAR more often than I did up there. I am especially fond of her winter dishes-- there's something about the cold outside versus the warmth inside.  I love my mother's Chilli. I love it so much that I ate it for 2 out of 3 meals today- sorry I'm not sorry. :)

Speaking of which, I just found a very amusing recipe for 2AM Chili

Day 3: Today, I am thankful for this kid
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As much as we bickered when we were younger, I am happy we are getting along better now. Despite the fact that I am only three years older, it has been really awesome to watch him grow up, especially since he started college. I'm really proud of him, and more thankful than words that he has been such a big part of my life.

Day 4: It's Halloween. Today I'm happy for chocolate. And more specifically, I am thankful that I get to eat a lot of it today without being judged (mostly by myself).

Day 5: Today, I'm thankful for second chances with friends. No dramatic lessons learned today-- sometimes, you just lose touch with people.  I was lucky enough today to see a friend of mine that has been absent in my life for more than a year (to nobody's fault). And despite the tragic of the circumstances under which we met today, I count myself blessed to be there for him & his family.

Day 6: Today, I am thankful for the healing power of music. I don't always work well with words-- sometimes I feel a stranger to my own native language. I can have a hard time being articulate...I need to think about things (A LOT) before I say them so they come out just right.  I do not have this problem with music. With music, I can more easily express my own emotions and experiences when words fall short. This is never more true than in a tragedy-- when my friends and family are struggling with a loss, I often fall short with words.   How can I understand their pain? Ease it, even slightly with what I'm thinking? With music, the song translates it all. It can say "I am sorry for what you have lost" and "I care about you" and "I will be here for you" in the most simple and profound ways. Today, I sang at the funeral of my friend's younger brother. (Perhaps you better understand my last few days of thankfulness...) I had no idea how to help, what to say, what to do... and somehow, the songs picked by the family always say it all. I am so honored to be a part of the celebration and grievance. 

Day 7: Today, I am thankful for time with family. If you know me, you know that I'm crazy about them. What I a special bond I have with my cousins, aunts & uncles. I got to see a great concert with my cousin Liz last night and make dinner with my cousins Alex and Christian and Aunt Ann tonight. Not to say other people don't have great families...but mine is totally awesome :)  

Day 8: Today, I'm thankful for the grace and forgiveness of God. I've been...well, not very nice lately. At least, not as nice and kind and forgiving as I can be. And it's not just about "I haven't gone to church that much lately" and "I question what the church says" -- I know that curiosity and questioning is a healthy part of spiritual life and that physically going to church does not make me actively engaged. Sometimes I struggle to define what I believe, especially given how political organized religion is these days. Or how religiously affiliated organized politics is. I struggle to find common ground and lately, I've been choosing politics over God. I've been putting too much of my faith in our worldly, imperfect political system because it's what I feel I can control. I have allowed myself to become polarized. I have thought, "those Tea Party jerks refuse to work with Democrats at all! They're not for the American people! They only accept one type of person as American! They're the worst!" And as much as I dislike their exclusivity, I haven't been very accepting either. Today I was reminded that the universe, and God's plan for it, is much bigger than I am. I have always said that I want my life to be defined by love...and I haven't been doing a very good job of that. A humbling experience, but one I'm grateful for. 

Day 9: It's been an interesting day, in both good and bad ways. I thought that this was what I was going to be thankful for today:
  

(which by the way, I am TOTALLY still thankful for-- seeing Barack Obama, especially so close, was simply amazing)

However, after I got back to school in the afternoon the day become a lot more stressful...a lot. It went from "best day ever!" (exclaimed at 8 am) to "yucky yucky afternoon." So at the end of the day, 2 credits short in science and my upcoming graduation now pending, I had to stop, look up at the stars, take a deep breath and say, "I am thankful that I have the opportunities I have. I am thankful that I even get to go to school and study whatever I want."  

So today I am thankful for opportunity: both to see my president speak and to study music education...even if it ends up taking me a little longer. 

Day 10: Simply put, and without any political banter- Today I am thankful that Barack Obama will be president for 4 more years.

Update: I felt it necessary to add this-- this is one of the many reasons why I am thankful for him as a leader. --------------->

Day 11:  Today, I am thankful for some awesome coworkers who pull through! I was a little worried I wasn't going to get to stay in Eau Claire for the whole weekend, but some really awesome people I work with picked up my lessons.  Thank you! 

Day 12:  Today, I am thankful for UW-Eau Claire-- I am so so SO thankful to go to a school where I feel like everyone I know and work with wants me to succeed in life. I cannot put into words how great it feels as a student to know that my school and my professors care about me and have my back when I'm in trouble, which I certainly have been in the past few days. I am going to graduate in December. SO thankful. 

Day 13: Today, I am thankful to see my friends perform-- even though I am no longer in choir at UWEC, it is such a great pleasure to sit in the front row and watch. (It was the most natural and unnatural thing at the same time). They all did such a great job and I am so proud to come from a school with such wonderful levels of artistry! 

Day 14: Today, I am thankful for the Eau Claire Newman Center -- what a wonderful community to be a part of. It was a pleasure to go back and sing with them today. It is one of the things I miss most about living in Eau Claire. 

Day 15:  Today, I was thankful for time with my parents. When I moved back home to student teach, I did so with reluctance. I was so concentrated on the fact that I was going to lose my freedom that I didn't pay attention to what I was gaining. I will never again get to live with my parents...and turns out, they are pretty cool people. We have some good times :) 

Day 16: Today I am thankful for afternoon runs-- I don't get the opportunity as much as I'd like with after school activities and work...but today was the perfect day. One of my favorites from today's playlist?

Day 17: Without going into details, today I am thankful for learning from my mistakes. More importantly, I am thankful that I am forgiven for those mistakes. 

Day 18: Today, I am thankful for the professors I've had at UWEC that have prepared me so thoroughly for student teaching. A huge thank you to my music professors and Cohort facilitators! 

Day 19: Today, I'm thankful for good times with friends. Tonight, some friends and I played Apples to Apples for several hours. Apples to Apples is a pretty standard pastime for us since high school. And as much as I hate to admit it, this is probably the first time in several months that we've all hung out without alcohol. (Not that it's an issue, but it's refreshing to just hang out sometimes) 

Day 20: Today, I'm thankful for time spent with my immediate family. My brother came home this weekend to spend time with us-- he made no plans to see his friends. We all saw a movie, we ate dinner together- now that Pat's at school, we don't get these opportunities much anymore. 

Day 21: Today, I am thankful for self-reflection. When I "graduated" from 8th grade, my aunt gave me a book/workbook called "Don't Give It Away!"  Through the years, I find myself coming back to this book again and again. As a 14 year old, this book was extremely influential in my empowerment as a young woman. Heck, as a 23 year old, this book is still influential in my empowerment as  a woman. There are times that it's hard to complete phrases like, "I think my body is _____________________."  "I like my body because ________________"  Sometimes, I really have to find the silver lining. But it is always a treasure to look at the different times I've filled it in (I date it each time I add something to the book) and see when and how I've grown, but more importantly, what a younger, more accepting version of myself can teach me. 

Day 22: Today I am thankful for opportunities I am given!! Today I was asked to sing at my graduation ceremony in December-- WHAT AN HONOR!! 

Day 23: Today, I am thankful for those moments when learning is really palpable in the classroom. I don't want to say, "when students learn from me" because it isn't just that. It isn't just knowledge i can pass on, but what we can learn from one another. The students are working on South African freedom songs in choir these days, so we have been talking in depth this week about Apartheid. It is amazing to see the students absorb the events that occurred during this terrible time of South Africa's history, but also what they think and feel about it. Recognizing the hows and whys. Pointing out similar behaviors and mindsets in our own American society. If I could hear the sound of thinking, it would probably be my favorite sound. :)  

Day 24: Today I'm thankful for lasting friendship. I spent time with some old friends this evening, and each time I see them, I'm so proud to call them my friends. Sometimes, when I talk to my college friends and I ask them if they'll see their old friends over break, I hear, "nah... we're not really friends anymore. I guess we never really had that much in common." When I look at the depth and level of devotion in my friendships, I don't see the college side as more heavily weighted... I have several people I trust deeply that I've known since I was 12 years old. (I wish I had a more concise way of explaining, but I don't. I suppose you'll have to trust me on this one) 

Day 25: It's Thanksgiving Day. I am thankful for many, many things. But for me, Thanksgiving is a holiday of familial love. I am SO THANKFUL to have been born into Clan Crawley. My relatives are so special, and so precious to me. 

What I learned from this experience: Simply put, there is a lot in my life to be thankful for. Some (bad, yucky feeling) days, it was hard to think of things, and some (most) days, life felt overflowing with blessing. The important thing is, there was always something to be thankful for. And as I continue on, I need to remember to CHOOSE to find these things. 

Thankfully yours, 

Lauren

Forward.

I thought I would stop my here today to have a look at the last thing I wrote here. It's been awhile. Truthfully, it's been a while since I've done any writing- songs, journaling, you name it. I suppose I've been too busy actually doing.

 I stumbled across a post from last summer about being nostalgic for home. It's funny how a year later I can still feel the same way (homesick and not at all eager to grow up) and be in a totally different place. By a strange twist of fate I am now student teaching near my hometown and staying with my parents to save money. (boy, is there a stigma about living at home) What I was longing for last year is totally different now...

I don't know how to live here anymore, truthfully. I feel like I clash with my parents a lot, about really stupid things. I have a hard time feeling like an adult. Most of all, i'm lonely. Truly. I feel a little out of touch with old friends and far away from my ec ones. I don't feel welcomed back like a prodigal son (er, daughter) I feel like a burden. My parents have really enjoyed being empty nesters, I think.

I had a nice chat with a friend of mine this weekend who just finished his first year of teaching. And he said some things that really resonated with me that I will have to remember in the future(I don't know if he knows this is what I got out if it, but here's what stuck out to me):
1. Some days, it's about what you can look forward to.
2. Use your resources. Rely on those you can when you need to...because you will need to.
3. No matter what you want, things won't be the same.

I am going to need people who understand not only who I was, but who I've become. And who I want to be. I am scared of making friends in the real world. I don't really know how to make friends with those twice my age who have different life experiences than me. I dont want my job to be the only thing I'm living for, and I don't want to see a future that makes my heart sink. I am really, really scared to find out who my true friends in ec are....because what if there are a lot less than I thought.

 I read a really great quote today on a friends wall...I don't think it was a mistake that I came across it-

"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." - Andre Gide

I am about to embark on a journey, and right now, I'm mourning the shore...but I consented to it. It is my choice to go on this journey, and that makes the transition a little better. I need to take a deep breath and set sail, because te tide is moving and swimming against it would be foolish.

 So, here's to new worlds...

Poetry I found lodged in my desk drawer.

No idea when it was written, but i can venture a guess. I liked it, so here it is:

After The Guillotine

The wind picked up and the blade came down,
Down with the speed that robs your breath
Ripping cleanly through the life, the love
That filled my weary flesh and bones

With the gasp of truth comes pain,
But also, a relief
To know that not all is lost.
That cry of “I was right” echoing weakly in what’s left
Causes me to raise my hands to the heavens.

So the stitching starts, over again.
For what’s not in time multiplies nine,
Piercing through the layers of tough skin, stubborn skin,
Wrongs un-righted and flaws admitted,
I stitch the once deemed irreparable rent.

As I stitch, symphonies rise,
Carrying a hope that claims
That pain makes more color
Once love arrives, when one
Will kiss the imperfect scars.

It’s not about getting on, getting over.
It runs through my veins, holds my head in place.
It is irreversible.
It is a part of me.

the space between

I've been really nostalgic for my childhood lately. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been home in such a long time (well, since Easter, not like it's been forever) I want to go home and just be with my family for awhile. Take the edge of this thing called growing up.
I just feel a passing of familiarity- the world I know is moving on. I continue to go into the unknown, and each step has more trepidation in it. I wish I could leave the fear behind me, like unwanted clothes on a warming day. I think I would be able to like myself better, if I could.

I just played two songs for a group of my friends hanging out in the living room. Two lullabies I remember as a child. The first is "Sweet Baby James" by James Taylor, the second "Cody's Song" by Kenny Loggins. Why I felt the need to share something so personal? (Hell, Lauren, why do you share anything personal? If you could carry your thoughts around in a purse, you would constantly be dumping it out on the table to show people its contents just to do it.) I guess it's because I want someone to care- again, why would I be writing this on an online blog if I didn't want SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE to find it and read it and feel something

I feel so far from my childhood now. At age 21, I am closer to having kids than being one. When did that happen? Where did the days of my youth go? Days of summer school, swinging on the swing set in our backyard, of "meet you at the park!" yelled hastily over the phone at my best friend on my way to see her for our NEXT great adventure. Of boat trips on Lake Kegonsa, with coolers packed with diet pepsi and tostidos (with or without salsa), rides to my mom's school down highway B listening to Tracy Chapman, family vacation in the dells, with my stomach doing rollarcoaster drops as we neared Rivers Edge resort, where I would have the best week of the year with my cousins...

I am going to have to start building these kind of memories myself some day soon. I mean, God willing, I find someone and we have kids... I know I have so so much time. There is no point in freaking out about not having a guy in my life right now. But all the same, at this time in my parents life, my dad was moving from California to be with my mother in Wisconsin. And whether I choose to or not, I use my parents life as a successful, happy model of what life should be. I want to be just like them.

And since we're already dreaming here, as much as I tell myself it's ok if the man I end up with isn't musical, I really hope he is. I think, listening to those old lullabies, how GREAT it would be if we could sing our children asleep together. That he could understand the utter importance of music in my life, not just shrug it off (but let's be honest...I don't think I'd ever end up with someone who didn't understand my passion)
I think about singing to my kids all the time. I remember both my parents singing to me- my mom gets embarrassed by her singing, but I love it. It was perfect when I was a child: low and rich and resonant in my little ears. I want to be a comfort to my children.

Again, I know how far away it is, but I feel the necessity to look forward because I can't always be looking back. (I look back a lot.) Being stuck in this middle ground is...strange. I must try to enjoy it as best I can. But I'm feeling rather homeless.

"and maybe that's all home is. a group of people searching for the same imaginary thing." - garden state

Several Things.

I am happy with who I am, just as I am. No one needs to tell me anything to make me feel any better or worse- the love in my heart for the world & the wonderful people in it are enough for me right now. I am so thankful for moments like this (especially after terribly long days)

Now only to feel this way all the time...

I have a lot to be thankful for. The lonliness can wait. I am content as I am. Sometime, I will find the person that is right for me. I don't know where he is now, but I keep waiting.

Hope he's really great :)

blaaahhhh

Sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and hide for awhile. I am ashamed of myself. But I can never be anything better until I make it better

I am such an idiot.

Really though. Stop pining Lauren.
All the same, this is how I feel.

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way

'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong, be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails

Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
That I could have sworn I'd heard him say it
Ten thousand times, oh, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sara-bareilles-lyrics/between-the-lines-lyrics.html ]
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
Stand in the center of it all

Too late, two choices, to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready when he meant let go

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always be
You and me always between the lines
Between the lines, between the lines

~

On another note, my roommate is incredibly caring, perceptive and awesome. I love Bobo. She knows me, and it is amazing.

One Art

How is it that this place, such a public place, can be so quiet and private? I think it's the idea that I'm not keeping things to myself- what i need to say is sent out into the universe, where maybe, just maybe, it will end up in front of the right pair of eyes. Cryptic things I need to say to a few people:

- You are my rock. Even if I can't tell you everything all the time, you keep me sane. You have given me everything I've ever needed, even if I haven't wanted it.

- Ditto goes for you, but in a more literal and less spiritual sense.

- I'm worried about you. I hope I didn't fail you. I want the world for you.

- I've wanted to apologize to you for a long time now. To tell you that I took the amount you cared for me, and the patience you had, for granted. We haven't talked in such a long time, and everything is ok. But I feel like I owe you an apology.

- I miss you everyday. I should never have gambled what I couldn't stand to lose and I am so sorry it was you I gambled. I love you, but not in the way you think. And I want to believe in you, very badly. This makes me think of you:

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

What I Want To Be

"To be alone with me, you went up on a tree. I've never known a man who loves me."

It occurs to me, I care way too much about what people think. And really, none of it matters, because someday, they will be gone. And only He remains.
What a powerful thought.

So there are a tons of things that I make SO important that really aren't. For example, who cares about my stupid Facebook profile picture? or my clothes? or any of it?
I shouldn't.

Concentrating on what's important, on resting safely in God's hands, is the most important thing. Oh, how I wish my faith would not waiver so much. Will I feel this way tomorrow? I hope so.

I will hold what I can dear to my heart, and let the rest go by as it will. I have no control over anything but my own heart. And I will sing praises until my dying day, alleluia.

In this moment, God is very real to me. I see it in the strength of others, in the love my roommate shows me by praying for me when she should be sleeping before work.

And now, I am not scared of any of the things I have to face these days. A paper is just a paper. In the end, it will be inconsequential. I've forgotten my covenant with God- serve him, he'll take care of the rest.

There is so much love inside of me, and it is all Him.

Today, I needed a reminder.

My friend had this posted on his facebook. I needed to apply it to my life today. As good as I have been doing lately (I "woke up" from my zombie like state in late February) I still need some reminders that I am desirable, I am worth loving and I will find it again.

I think after experiencing a relationship that meant a lot, that budded beautifully for a long time, I expected all of them to be that way. And while the most recent was snuffed out rather quickly, I accepted the fact that while he said "I love you" he wasn't really telling the truth. He thought he was...but he wasn't ready to say it, and I can acknowledge that without it hurting. Until I remember that I've only been loved once, and it didn't work out very well. Then I feel bad. because I can't honestly say, "I'll happen again." It didn't this time. So, here's what I need to be reminded of. Something my friend James titled "Someday, you will be loved":

I once knew a girl,
In the years of my youth.
With eyes like the summer,
All beauty and truth.
And in the moment I fled,
I left a note and it read:
"Someday, you will be loved."

You'll be loved, You'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
And the memories of me,
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday, you will be loved.

I cannot pretend,
That I felt any regret.
'Cause each broken heart,
Will eventually mend.
And as the blood runs red,
down the needle and thread,
Someday, you will be loved.

You'll be loved You'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
And the memories of me,
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday, you will be loved.

Proactivity

I need to concentrate more on giving love than recieving it. I'm not nearly patient enough with "the plan".

And it feels wrong to me that the one thing I want more than anything in my life is the love of a life partner. Why do I NEED someone to be simply amazed by me? Because that's what I want: That look in his eye that says, "I love you, and I cannot lose you. You have changed me, and you amaze me."
We come into the world alone, we die alone. We are alone in our heads and in our hearts- so why do I keep seeking myself in other people?
It's no good.

But how do I stop it? How do I rely more on a higher power I'm mad at half the time? (not really mad at...just frustrated with, not understanding of. I don't want to push God away)

I don't want my life's greatest fear to be not finding someone to love me. That is ridiculous. I need to know on my own.

I've been thinking about DP a lot lately. 2 years doesn't make any difference when it comes to her advice.
"don't let that boy get you down" <-- very solid advice
"love yourself" <-- the best advice

I've decided to be proactive. I will not learn anything from this internal struggle if I don't do something to change the pattern I'm beginning to see. Overall, my anxiety is becoming WAY to much to handle. It's affecting my appetite, my daily activities. And I am making a choice- I want to be healthy, even if it means putting myself on medication. I don't like it, but this is my life, and I WILL live it.

I feel like I'm 18 all over again

For the exact same reasons.

"You're selfish and all you talk about is yourself". I worked so hard to overcome those words and now, 2 years and a lot of growth later, they are thrown back in my face. And I don't know how to feel anymore. About any of it.

What if I never escape this?
What if everyone that gets that close sees it and runs away? Runs away with disgust...not just from a relationship, but from friendship...

I am so sorry for things I don't even know I've done. So so sorry I cannot be what people need. Sorry that I am not enough as me.

(One thing that haunts and hurts, too much, too much to mention. Was I really seeking good, or just seeking attention?)

How Romantic

There is something to be said about Romanticism. For the first time since the Baroque (1600-1750), Europe once again saw a sweeping movement of emotion in music, art and architecture. Gone (yet again...) were the days of logic! The heart ruled supreme!
There is something great about Mozart's simple cadences, ebbing and flowing. They bring excitement, joy, surprise, sadness...but I am starting to truly appreciate romanticism (and gosh and golly gee, we aren't even going to cover it 'till after Spring Break!)

I was just listening to Fanny Mendelssohn's String Quartet in E Flat Major. The woman was a genius. Now it's onto Gabriel Faure's Piano Quartet No. 1 in C Minor. Thank you Pandora.

I never expected to, but I am loving my major more and more each day. There is so much to discover, so much to create! So much to learn about my art form... I'm still scared, but I will no longer let those fears stop me. And I know I can be successful in what I do. Breaking up with Eric has allowed me to find solace in my music- well, at least the opportunity is there. Over the last few days, I've consistently chosen to mope instead of focusing. But even the thought of digging into my music, something greater than me, is such a release. To be lost in something that has healed so many broken hearts...

On that note (no pun intended) this experience has been very different from the last one...and at the same time, not. It allows me to see how much I've grown. I am much more confident in myself this time around. I have a lot of self-understanding I lacked last time. I'm a lot more easy going on my heart. It's doing everything it can...and I've learned to be understanding and patient. That's all part of the "taking care of myself" thing that everyone keeps telling me to do. I cannot help how important he is to me at this point. My heart is not letting go and my brain telling it to stop isn't going to do anything. I can only physically remove myself, which I am trying to do as much as I am able. And over all, I don't have any negative feelings towards Eric- I can't. We knew things weren't working and we stopped things while things were still salvageable. I still have great fears: being replaced, being unimportant to him, having to start over again...so I'm trying not to think about men so much. I'm still in the part where I can't picture myself with anyone else. And that will change, or we will somehow gravitate towards each other again. Either or, I know I will be fine. In the meantime, my music will become my life. It needs to be if I want to be a successful music major.

...And now I've got Beethoven filling my ears and I wonder how logic could ever have been the dominant thought in his head when he composed this. Such excitement!

So, this weeks Project: What I want to be-

I want to be a student, artist and friend. I want to put my studies before play and GET SLEEP. Take care of myself. Let's hope I stick to this.

Purgatorio

I am in between a forbidden past and the terror of moving forward.


" The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals, and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights me not"

"What a rouge and peasant slave am I!"

"To be or not to be? That is the question- whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them"

Am I really back to the predicament of sawing off my arm? Is it that bad of an infection that I have to go through the pain of cutting an exboyfriend out of my life? Or is this free of the poison? I can't tell, I'm in too deep. I keep thinking it shouldn't feel this bad. It shouldn't feel this bad, it's only been 2 months...not 19. Nowhere near the length and strength of the last one. But at the same time, that is so, so untrue.

I'm supposed to be patient. Wait until he's ready to talk. He needs it. I don't know if I can or if I should sit around. The back and forth hurts. Sometimes he feels like himself, like we could just go back to friendship. And sometimes not. I am so, so lost. I hate this. I don't want to live in a world where he doesn't matter anymore. The last one nearly drove me mad, cutting it all away.
I don't want to think I'm unable to be friends.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

A Girl's Pledge

This is my resolution for 2010. I will be strong and whole and me. I am a woman, and a beautiful soul and I have so much to give.


A Girl's Pledge

I am a girl.
I am an expression of beauty, joy and love.
I have the right, the power and the ability, to
create a beautiful, joyful and peaceful world
for myself and others.
I have a body, but I am not my body.
I have a face, but I am not my face.
I am the most important thing in the world to me.
I am love in motion.
I am the light of the world!
I can create!
I can make a mistake!
I can create something beautiful in all that I do.
I deserve the best.
I give my best.
I do my best to always take care of me!
I am a girl!
I am growing into a woman!
I AM IT!
I am the joy the world is waiting for!

- Iyanla Vanzant, Don't Give It Away!

(Proverbial) Pins and (Literal) Needles

So winter break begins. I'm at home, feeling crummy, mentally and physically. This might be one post oozing with pity points, but at least I'm aware of it.

I find myself a larger person trying to fit into the same old shoes. I haven't been in a relationship in about a year and a half, and I've changed a lot since then. What is supposed to be different? What is supposed to feel the same?
It's been about a month that Eric and I have been dating and we're long distance till break is over. I'm ok. I remember what this feels like, and I'm alright living the day to day. What's harder, I remember, is not having the opportunities to express love in whatever way we want. Pretty much left to phone calls, email and skype. I'm trying to be easy going. Concentrate on stuff here. Know that I'm important rather than thinking, "I THINK I'm important...c'mon Lauren, you're important..."
I know I'm being ridiculous, I just don't know WHY or how to stop it. It bothers me.

I feel like I've been run over by a truck today. I got three immunizations yesterday at the doctor- 3rd HPV (FINALLY), Seasonal Flu and H1N1, which is a live virus. I bet you anything I've got a small taste of it and that's what's got me feeling so crummy. I've got the chills and a sore throat and a bit of an aching body. Then again, the aching body might be me bumping into things and having needle poked arms. They're still sore from yesterday.

In addition to boosting my immunity to a bunch of stuff I could potentially get, the doctor heard a mid-systolic click when listening to my heart yesterday. I've never had heart problems. Today I went in for lab work and had to fast 12 hours while they check my cholesterol. My dad kept covering my eyes when they were about to stick in the needle. not helpful. I put on music and let it happen, but apparently I need to stop being scared, according to dad. "It's all in your head," he said. Well duh. That's why it's a phobia. They're irrational fears. I'm already embarassed that I act like a five year old every time the word "shot" comes up.

I might have to go in next week sometime to get another lab test done, this time on my thyroid gland. Most likely, I have a heart disease called mitral valve prolapse, which is when you have excessive tissue in the Mitral valve, which weakens the leaflets preventing backflow. It shouldn't be a big deal...if it's even what I have.
Still I am unsettled to think of myself as "not healthy." I have always been healthy. I take care of my body, minus the not sleeping the last month or so. I don't put harmful substances in my body, I don't make continual poor choices in my diet...I don't understand why this is happening to me, and at the age of 20. I am only two decades old! My body and I have always been a team- the mind, the body, the spirit, all together. A mix of old, young and somewhere in the middle. And now I feel like I'm working against myself. It makes me uncomfortable.

If it's mild, it shouldn't be a big deal. There isn't even treatment. It's just something that is. However, I hate to think that years down the line this is what's going to bring me down at an earlier age.

I want answers now. I don't want to wait two weeks for a cardiogram echo. I just want to figure things out.

Where the road leads.

I have never been happier that things happen for a reason.

All the confusion, heartache, pain, joy, surprise, suspense...it all leads somewhere, and that leads somewhere else, and that leads somewhere else....

And I know that if the things that are happening to me now aren't permanent, I will be alright too. There isn't anything too strong to knock me over for long. I do not go down for the count.